


It Doesn't Matter

by Useless_girl



Category: Depeche Mode
Genre: Angst, Dark, F/M, M/M, Male Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-11
Updated: 2013-07-14
Packaged: 2017-12-19 04:17:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 95,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/879370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Useless_girl/pseuds/Useless_girl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Love shouldn't have boundaries, right? But what if the circumstances, family, friends and society thinks otherwise? Dave and Martin are deeply in love with each other, but they have to face some difficulties. Will they be able to overcome the obstacles or fail? This story is about their deep struggle. Enjoy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 

 **Note by Useless-girl:**  After Capri’d asked a break in writing, I had a lot to do at the university too, so we had stopped writing for quite a while and it seemed that this break will be even longer, but luckily when I came home for the second half of December, Capri greeted me on MSN saying that we should write again! A few single ideas were already circulating in our minds and this story just came to us from thin air. And what was the “root cause” of it? Of course another “innocent” gesture from the boys: a handkiss. I love such – quite rare – moments!

  **Note by** **Capri** **:**  I recommend this short story with all of my love! :D The style is a bit different that the one you can know from us, but we like it so far! :D The writing process was cut off with many “AAA!”s, “WAAAA!”s and “OHMYGOD!”s! XD And how did it start? Zsó signed in on MSN and I asked:  _“Hey, did you see the video where Dave kisses Mart’s hand?”_  XD 

 **Era:**  SOTU/Touring the Universe + reminiscences

 **Started on:**  21.12.2009

 **Note2 by Useless-girl:**   I’d like to recommend  _“A question of lust”_  and  _“It doesn’t matter two”_  and their lyrics from DM. The idea for the title came from the latter one. And we have a new favourite too: [ _Placebo – Meds (_ _Angkor_ _Wat Version)_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kHhQSLkJjjs&list=PL0EE6FA9584F4007C)

* * *

 

**It doesn’t matter**

**Chapter 1**

 

The crowd was rumbling, clapping and screaming. He could still feel the heat radiating from the reflectors, he could feel the sweat sliding down on his temples, and Dave’s familiar perfume hit his nose, but he sensed all these things just in the back of his mind. The surprise made him forget everything else.

 _“Why did you do this, you fool? Why?”_  he asked the singer with his eyes. Their gazes met for a moment. There was playfulness in the other man’s eyes and something much deeper and darker behind. He was on top, spinning, he was happy and this made him daring. The audience liked it. Martin was struggling with himself. Lately Dave made a habit of hugging him spontaneously in the heat of the concerts or when a wave of love washed over him, but he never made such a thing like this… that he kissed Mart’s hand in front of all these people. Of course he meant it as a game, and probably the audience saw what Dave wanted them to see with his magic, but this meant something else to Martin. And he knew that Dave was clear with it.

He tried to ease his confused expression with a big laugh. He wasn’t scared that the ecstatic crowd’d start analyzing his face – anyway, the majority of them saw him just from the side – but he knew that Dave saw the first sparkles of disfavor changing the surprised and confused ones in his green irises.

“Fool!” Mart mouthed to him after turning his back to the crowd, but it seemed that the frontman was just laughing at this. Mart rather looked down and plunked on his guitar as he turned back to the fans. He fought off his blushing. _“Fool…”_  he thought after a few minutes and a faint smile formed in the corner of his lips. He looked upwards and closed his eyes, bathing his face in the warm light of the lamps.

Just playing with the crowd mattered to Dave now. He moved along with his erotic hip-rolling to let his voice out straight into the mic, singing the first lines of a new song. The fans screamed and yelled in union. He gestured the lines of the song feverishly. The sweat drops left his sweaty skin from this. He was living just for the moment. But in the break between the two verses he looked at Martin and a broad, playful smile spread on his face. He looked like a child, who knows that he did something he shouldn’t have, cuz there was something bigger behind it.

Martin tried to avoid Dave’s further provocations, sinking into his own little world again, but he couldn’t stop himself and after Dave’s “Miles Away-action” he glimpsed at the singer time after time, thinking or smiling on his moves or grimaces. But Mart frowned again and again. What’d be the next step?, he asked himself. Accidentally Dave gives a kiss not onto his face, but onto his mouth in the heat of the song?

 But Dave held himself back, although he couldn’t stop himself hugging Mart at the end of the concert. He said and waved goodbye to the audience with a wide grin and shining eyes. Of course he was the last one coming down from the stage and he was still smiling as he headed towards his dressing room, where he quickly took off his vest and reached for a towel. Martin walked into the room without knocking, still wearing his glittery vest and trousers. His eye-make up was smeared from the sweat, but he didn’t care. He walked to one of the tables without a word and took a bottle of mineral water and poured some into a glass. Dave turned towards Mart, drying his still wet hair with the towel then he put it onto his shoulders and asked:

“What’s up?”

“Why did you do this?” he asked nearly pouting.

“The fans liked it. I don’t know why you’re upset about this” he shrugged then threw the towel onto a chair.

Martin’s eyes followed the movement automatically then he turned and broke his gaze away from the still glistening upper-body. He took another sip then put the glass down and folded his arms in front of his chest.

“That’s one thing, I mean that they liked it, but maybe you shouldn’t show such obvious signs in public. What’ll we do if they get suspicious?”

“Oh c’mon Martin!” he waved with his hand “How would they know what we do with each other in the background? They don’t take it serious either, they’re just having fun.”

“Alright, it’s one thing what the fans are thinking, or what they’ll write about is, but the idea had never crossed your mind what the other people’d think? I mean those, who are close to us? They can easily notice these little signs…” he frowned and from the movement the glittery powder glinted on his face.

“Do you think that our family members care about these moments? We have known each other for the last 30 years, Mart! Don’t you think that the close friendship we have is enough explanation for these things? And you seriously want to hold me back?”

“Why? Wouldn’t I be able to do it?” he rose one eyebrow ‘surprised’, thinking about those times when he could tame Dave like an obedient puppy. He could do it if he wanted. He knew that Dave depends on him like he does on the singer. This was two-sided. But the singer tries to cover this with his wildness and steadiness, like Martin does it with his reserved coldness.

“Try me” he nodded, smiling cheekily again and turned away to search for something on his table.

Martin shook his head, made a face and observed the man for a few minutes as he did this and that. He liked just watching the singer. Earlier he felt often like a stalker when he tried to observe his friend unnoticeably. And not just because of his sexual affinity. Often he just liked watching him. He found Dave beautiful, he liked his energy, which touched him during the concerts, meetings and in bed too. Now he could watch him “freely”, when they weren’t in public or in front of the family. He sighed. He knew him well to know: he was talking to deaf ears now, Dave won’t hear the concern in his voice, he won’t feel the depth of it, which filled Martin lately. Mart didn’t speak about these things when it wasn’t necessary, but slowly it was time for it. He knew how stubborn Dave can be – sometimes even arrogant. A few times Dave hurt Mart’s feelings with this, but he had to take it, because he loved him too much for a long time now, he knew how the singer “works”.

“We see each other in the hotel…” he said quietly and left his glass there, not looking back at his mate

Dave saw as Mart closed the door behind him then sighed and went to take a shower. He didn’t understand this man or why he can’t forget his problems and not worrying on everything for a while.

 

\---

 

After the shower he got into a car and – for avoiding the flowing mass of people on the streets – the driver took him into the hotel, where he can order something to eat and where he can finally sleep – just to get onto the jet the next day and start the whole thing over again. He was happy that he’ll have enough time to sleep for long hours and they won’t fly right away, like they often did during the tours. He’ll have time to speak to Curly. Yes, Dave was stubborn, but he saw when something bothered Mart and he didn’t like to see him upset. He felt sorry because he didn’t let Mart speak in his dressing room, but Dave often feels the differences in the way they see the world!

When he arrived at the hotel, he didn’t go upstairs into his room, but headed to the bar. He knew Martin’ll be there, although he doesn’t drink alcohol now. The blonde man knew that if he bolted himself into his room, the others’d know that something’s wrong with him and he was very careful not to let anyone know anything about the relationship between him and Dave.

Dave was right, his mate was sitting in the bar, in the far corner of the room. He was with Christian and Peter. Those two were talking about something, laughing out loud, and even the always busy Kessy put a word in time after time, while he was doing something on his HTC again. But the blonde man, sitting in his furred hooded jacket, was visibly “separated” from them, generally just staring in front of him or watching the guests and his surroundings. He folded his arms in front of his chest, leaning back on the cushioned seat. When they weren’t in a warmer country with the tour, or when he wasn’t at home in

Santa Barbara, he usually wore a jacket or warm pullovers, as if he was always cold. He’s got used to the swelter too much. He always liked it. Unlike the chilly and damp weather back in England. And he hated winters. He was afraid that maybe someday the coldness will reach his soul, making him numb. But of course he knew that this wasn’t possible, because the last few years of his life was quite good – especially since he went dry – but it isn’t so easy to get rid off habits. He learned and knew this from first hand.

It seemed that the pure feeling of sorrow had sparkled in Dave’s eyes, but maybe it was just the game of the light as he let the setting sink in. He walked towards the table and when he arrived there, he asked:

“Can I join you?”

“Sure!” Chris’s answer came with a grin, breaking off the conversation with the other two men “Do you want something to drink or eat? I was about to go to the counter."

“No, thanks. Food can wait” he looked into another pair of green eyes.

The corner of Martin’s lips curled up for a moment, but he didn’t say a word, just returned Dave’s look for a few long seconds before reaching for his coke

“And to drink? You’ve lost a lot of liquid, you should refill your system!” Chris mothered over Dave.

“Alright, alright!” he gave up and laughed “Then I’d like some mineral water, please. Cuz I have to refill my system…”

“Okay” Chris laughed too.

“You can bring me another beer, thank you” Peter said before Chris could ask. The drummer cut and ran quickly towards the counter

Kessy turned to Dave, checking something on his cell.

“Dave, don’t forget that tomorrow, after we arrive to

Houston, you’ll have a two-hours-long interview for a magazine.”

“Two hours long? Are you serious? Can’t I take Mart with me?”

“No, you can’t, they want just you. Prepare yourself that they’ll ask about the bad luck of the tour and about your illness.”

“Wasn’t it enough for me to take the rumors that I fell back? Now they want to talk about that maybe I have cancer?” he puffed. Although he knew the results of the biopsy and the doctors reassured him that they’d discovered it in time, deep in his soul he was still afraid of this. In the past he had been destroying his body quite heavily, so there was a chance that things’ll go wrong.

“You know the usual routines, right? Shortly explaining the facts then gently changing the subject. If a smile comes too, it’s even better. Don’t let them make you angry.”

“Sure, you’re right. It’s just that sometimes…” he didn’t finish the sentence “I’ll do that interview and I’ll act nice. After all now the tour is going on without any problems, everybody’s happy, things are good” he stretched and rubbed his eyes then ran his fingers through his hair “I can’t wait for the next gig!” he smiled.

“Everything’ll be fine” John said this on such a determined voice that the others had no doubt about it that he was right “But now I have to go. Have to arrange some calls. Don’t stay up too late!” he stood up.

“Yes, mom…” Martin noted quietly – finally saying something – which made the returning Chris laugh out loud with the others.

Dave took his mineral bottle then sipped a big one. Soon they were deep in conversation and the next time Dave glimpsed at his watch, he saw that it was already past 2 am. “I think it’d be better for me to go to sleep now. John’ll kill me, if I fell asleep on the interview – and there’s a chance for that!” he said and stood up.

“I go too” Mart nodded with a sleepy expression “Have fun!” he said to the others. They were already looking around, searching for someone from the crew to join to.

“Yeah, bye. Have a nice rest!” the both of them nodded.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

 

 

 

Martin started walking without looking back, pulling up the zipper on his jacket. He knew that soon Dave’ll follow him and catch up with him, thanks to his long legs. He knew that he’ll start a conversation, cuz he saw from the corner of his eyes during the night that he looked at him several times, as if he wanted to say something. But Mart didn’t make it easier for the singer. And yes. Dave was soon walking next to him. They were already on the corridors when he heard the velvety voice:

  
“Are you still angry with me?” he asked quietly.

  
Mart looked at him with a tired frown, still walking then he stepped into the elevator, observing the young couple next to them. He had a bad taste in his mouth so he rather looked down at the floor, not turning to the singer on his right side.

  
“A little bit…” he answered quietly as well.

  
Dave didn’t answer until they stepped out of the lift and they were alone again.

  
“I’m sorry” he looked with true regret at Martin.

  
Curly stopped on the corridor, right in front of his door. Dave’s room was at the other end of the hallway. He was quietly playing with the key in his hands then looked up at the guilty-looking singer. Mart could never stay angry with him for too long when he looked at him like this.

  
“Are you coming in?”

  
Dave smiled faintly “If you want…”

  
Mart didn’t say anything else, just a faint little smile was playing in the corner of his mouth, while he opened the door and let him in. His gaze wandered down on the familiar figure unwillingly then he closed and locked the door.

  
“Aren’t you hungry? You’d mentioned it in the bar, but you were chatting too intensely” Mart pulled down the zipper on his jacket then walked to the couch to sit down, leaving Dave in the middle of the room.

  
“Yep, I had no chance to eat since the concert” Dave answered and it was as if he was surprised.

  
“Then order something” Curly shrugged “I don’t like when you doesn’t pay attention to such things” he added quietly and for a moment pure worry appeared in the withdrawn eyes. He took a cigarette from his pocket and lit it.

  
Dave just nodded and reached for the telephone. He waited for his food quietly, which arrived soon. He took it to the bed and sat down to eat.

  
“Do you want some?” he asked after swallowing the first bite.

  
“No, thanks” he watched the singer, quietly puffing out the smoke.

  
“Something bothers you” Dave stated after a longer pause.

  
“I think you know it” he flicked the ash into the tray.

  
“Well, considering that you are staring at me, remaining silent, yes. Usually you do this when I’m the guilty one” he put the remains of his dinner aside.

  
“I just don’t understand you… Sure, I know that you like playing with fire, but you make me insecure with your recklessness” he said quietly looking into the green eyes.

“I make you insecure? What do you mean?”

“I thought that this secret is as important to you as it is for me…” his eyes followed the line of the smoke curving towards the ceiling.

  
“Yes, it’s important” Dave looked at him “But in the same time I have to do this, Mart. I have to… you’re right next to me and when you come closer during the slower songs…” he sighed “I’m sorry, but I simply have to.”

  
“The austere behaviour was never your strength, was it?” he smiled faintly and an indescribable light flickered in his green eyes.

  
“Yes, I had problems with this. But, if you’re scared that these things can betray us then I’ll try to stop” he looked into the beloved green irises.

  
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean the drugs and the booze, but your emotions” he stubbed the cigarette then he stood up and took off his jacket, throwing it into an armchair before walking to Dave “I’m not saying that you can’t touch me on stage…” he stopped in front of the man, looking down at him and running his fingertips on Dave’s cheek “… just don’t be so ambiguous.”

  
“Martin, all touches between us can be misleading. And there’s a very simple fact for this: we belong to the same sex. Which is quite funny, considering that I’m nuts about you” he smiled darkly.

  
“Not every touch can be misleading…” he ran his thumb along Dave’s full lower-lip “There are friendly gestures, like hugging me at the end of ‘Waiting for the night’…” now he followed the outline of his jaw, feeling the stubbles under his fingertips “… or when you bend down to my guitar to hear it better…”

  
Dave’s gaze turned into a darker green color. He swallowed hard before answering “You think?”

  
“Yes” Mart ran his fingers in Dave’s hair, watching his mate closing his eyes with pleasure “We had totally innocent looks too – like back in Pasadena where we were happy and couldn’t believe to our eyes, seeing all those fans there…”

  
“I can’t get enough of you” he whispered with closed eyes.

  
A little smile crossed Martin’s face. He knew what Dave was talking about, but Mart wasn’t sure that the singer could feel the darker side of this as well. Curly could feel it. But despite this he couldn’t deny touching this man, his mate, his lover.

  
“How long have we been together?” he asked musing, running his index-finger along the singer’s typical nose.

  
Dave answered so quietly that it was barely understandable “For around 21 years.”

  
“With shorter and longer breaks, yes…” he lifted Dave’s chin a bit with his finger to look into his eyes again, cuz without noticing it the singer broke the eye-contact during his answer. “And for how long have you loved me?”

  
Dave had a faraway look on his face and when he refocused, his eyes were glistening a bit more than necessary “A bit more than 21 years.”

  
It seemed that Martin’s eyes softened from Dave’s words. His green irises seemed to swirl as he straddled Dave, letting his knees touch the blanket next to Dave’s thighs. He sat onto the singer’s lap. For a moment he closed his eyes, enjoying the warmth of Dave’s body and breath, which reached Curly’s face in the form of a sigh.

  
“And why do you love me?” he ran his hands on his mate’s dark pullover by his upper-arms.

  
“Why?” he took Mart’s face gently between his hands and leant in for a soft kiss “Because you are so different from me and in the same time you are like me. You complete me. And I just simply love you” he whispered onto Mart’s lips.

  
“Sometimes I wonder how this can be possible” he caressed Dave’s side “What made us do this… I remember the moment exactly when you’ve changed in my eyes…”

  
“Really? And when was that?” he looked Martin in the eye. From this closeness he could see himself on the green irises.

  
“We were working on ‘Stories of old’, back in ’84 in

Berlin… I remember Al telling something funny during one of the breaks when we had a beer. We laughed then Al and Andy started talking about something and you looked out of the window, thinking hard on something. I let my gaze wander on your beautiful profile and it hit me how gorgeous you are. Silly thought, huh? Then you’ve turned away from the window and our eyes met for a split of second. It was a totally innocent moment, but something grabbed me in your eyes. I don’t know what, but the magic started working… Or at least on my side…”

Dave was just listening to him quietly, but it seemed that there was shock in his eyes.

  
“By that time I knew that I draw to my own sex too, although basically I preferred women. Still I was surprised and back then I was sure that nothing will happen between us two, cuz you loved Jo, you had plans – having an own family, kids etc… And because of this I tried to keep this thing down. But I couldn’t stop myself… From that moment you were different to me… I ‘stalked’ you, although I tried to fight. I thought, that it’d be just a question of lust, if once we… That after it my curiosity’d be satisfied and it’d end…. We were young… Fools. Life, fame and the world was ours… It’d have been easy for me to find someone, but I had no chance to have you… and this was always in the back of my mind, in the dark, growing constantly… I wanted you…” he grabbed Dave’s pullover by his side, while he closed his eyes and bent his head into Dave’s palm, which was still lingering on his skin. After a few moments he gulped and went on “… more and more… The nights… the lonely nights were the worst, when it was getting harder and harder to put you out of my head… I thought that it’d help sleeping with my girlfriend and later with other women, but… no. Then…”

  
Dave had to moan silently from the things he’d heard “You’ve never… told me this.”

  
Mart didn’t open his eyes just asked with a bitter smile: “Once confession-time comes for everyone, right?”

  
“And then… what’d happened?”

  
“Then… I’ve reached a point which was important to me…” he sighed, loving the warmth and touch of Dave’s hand “My fantasies with other men became reality. I’d found myself in strange and new situations and slowly I’ve learnt enjoying them. I wanted more. I wanted to know everything, because I was still hoping. I was hoping that maybe once you and me… And I wanted to dazzle you, I wanted to give you such pleasures that you could never get from a woman. What a foolish dreamer I’d been back then too!” he pulled away his face from Dave’s hand and looked to the side, down onto the white blanket they were sitting on “But I was hoping that these experiences would stop me. But I was wrong again – although I could have known that my emotions often lead me onto not so rational ways.”

  
Dave bent his forehead to Mart’s, processing the things he just said “And all of this was just for me? I was hoping that the rumours weren’t true… that you don’t expose yourself for something like this.”

  
“For what?” Curly asked a bit confused, coming back from his memories.

  
“I knew that you were after something and I was afraid that hurting yourself wouldn’t stop you either. I was worried about you, I was afraid that they’d do something to you that you’d never get over with. Well, I know you…”

  
“This was… sweet of you…” he smiled, but this gesture didn’t reach his eyes, they remained serious and deep “I was enjoying it, I’m not saying that I wasn’t, but… I knew that it’d be something different with you. There weren’t many of them, but I felt nothing more towards them just lust, they were the ‘tools’ to deduce this lust. Because of you. But of course I’m not accusing you, cuz you knew nothing about this… for a long while” he closed his eyes again so that Dave wasn’t able to see the painful spark in his eyes when it came into his mind that he had to wait for the singer for long moths – even years.

  
“I’m sorry, Mart… I never wanted you to live through all of this because of me.”

  
“Don’t feel sorry, you had no idea. If I want, I can hide my feelings very well, and when I can’t stand them anymore, they come out in my lyrics. What do you think who inspired ‘A question of lust’ or ‘It doesn’t matter two’ on the next album? The first one is about those times when I was still trying to convince myself that it was just about lust, and by the latter one I conceded that I can’t fight against this and the moral expectations and rules – they inculcated in us - weren’t important anymore.”

  
“And? Was it worth it? Was it worth it going through all of this?”

  
“Yes” he looked deep into his eyes “It was worth it waiting for you.”

  
Dave couldn’t say anything to this. Martin had never told this and Dave had no idea what had been going on inside Curly. Back then he thought that Mart wanted to have just some fun with him. At the beginning Dave was ashamed about the things that had happened between them, but then times have changed… He hugged his blonde mate tightly and buried his face into his neck.

  
“And you? What was the situation with you?” he stroked Dave’s nape “It’s strange that we’ve never talked about this before…” he mused.

  
“At first I thought you just wanted to have some fun – I knew you. I had no idea that everything had happened because of me…” Dave’s voice failed him as he was hugging Mart still tightly to him, as if his life depended on him, as if he was afraid to break away from him, because if he does it, he’d lose him. “After the first time I thought that this was just pure sex, we tried out something new and that’s all. Maybe this was how I could survive the fact how much I enjoyed being with you. For a very long time I didn’t dare to admit it even to myself, because…” he let Mart go just to look into his eyes “… because I was afraid of it. I considered such things abnormal and it happened to me anyway and… I liked you… This was frightening to me. But I couldn’t keep myself out of it.”

  
“You’ve been always the curious cat type” Mart nodded “I knew that I had to be carful with you and your emotions. But you had no clue that in truth how much that first night had meant to me…”

  
“How much did it mean?”

  
“Well, a lot, you silly!” he laughed, pulling away a bit to take Dave’s face into his hands and give a soft kiss onto his lips. He looked into his eyes again “That long waiting was over… I didn’t dare to believe it…”

  
Dave didn’t answer just ran his fingers through the blonde tufts and watched his mate’s face.

  
“The first time you kissed me… my soul thrilled too, not just my body. I thought that I’d never be able to breathe again. You kept me alive… your scent, your flavor, your touches…” here he laughed out quietly and shortly “How painfully slushy and gooey I can still be… This is why I like remaining silent.”

  
“This isn’t true. I love it when you open up like this. I know that you do this maybe just for me.”

  
“It’s true that I do this rarely and just for a few people” he shrugged “So? Would you go on?”

  
“The first time you kissed me… it was beyond expression. I’ve never thought that I’d do something like this, ever. But I was happy that I had the chance being with you. The cause of this was that even then I was attracted to you more than a friend, I loved you – although I didn’t dare to confess this to myself. But looking back now I know what I felt back then. Strangely I never though that it was bad what we were doing. It felt natural that two people, who are attracted to each other, express this. And it was fantastic. There’s not a single person who had such an effect on me like you. And this haven’t changed since then. I love you” he gently caressed his face, as he was still sitting on his lap.

  
“Oh god, David…” Martin sighed and knew that his heart wouldn’t be able to pound even faster from these words. He couldn’t speak, because he tried to hold his tears back. He didn’t want Dave to see them, so he rather closed his eyes and kissed the singer with bittersweet – nearly desperate – eagerness.

  
Dave returned it with the same fire then he changed the rhythm and calmed their kisses to gentle ones. Mart let him set the pace and melted into the kisses and his embrace. Curly slid his hands gently onto his shoulders and slowly pushed him backwards. Now he was on top of Dave and went on with the kissing. The other man didn’t protest, he just wanted to feel his mate close to him, he wanted to feel the warmth of his skin, his whole being, because he knew that there was no one like Mart in the whole world. He felt himself extremely lucky that he’d found Martin, his other side, who completes him, who makes him whole.

  
The blonde man – instead of making a move – slowed down their kisses even more then, still lying on top of Dave, he looked him in the eye. After this he rested his head on the warm chest, inhaling the familiar and beloved scent deeply.

  
“I love being with you, Dave…” he whispered a bit hoarsely.

  
“I think this is mutual” he laughed quietly.

  
As an answer Mart gave a kiss through the pullover onto the singer’s chest.

  
“I don’t want to let you go… I want to stay like this forever” he whispered barely audible.

  
“You’ll stay with me” Dave said, running his fingers through Curly’s hair again “I wouldn’t let you leave me anyway.”

  
Martin swallowed hard from hearing this. A shiver ran down his spine from the determined tone in the singer’s voice.

  
“Promise?” he breathed onto Dave’s lips.

  
“Promise” he looked deeply into the green eyes. And to stress his words, he pulled Mart up next to him so that he was able to kiss him gently again. Finally he rested his chin on the top of his head.

  
“I love you too, David” he closed his tired eyes. After a few moments he tightened his embrace and asked “Are you going to stay here tonight?”

  
“Yes” the answer came with a contented sigh.

  
“Alright” Mart sat up on Dave’s lap again and pulled him into a sitting position so he could grab the hem of Dave’s pullover, pulling it over his head.

  
“I love it when you’re undressing me” Dave glimpsed at him with a dirty smile and let Mart continue what he’d begun.

  
“Yes, I know, sweetie…” he returned the smile, nearly blushing as a few pictures came into his mind. Then he blushed after all when he bent his head down and saw his own hands on Dave’s belt, which he quickly loosened. Dave watched the move with his dark irises. He’d seen it several times, but Mart could still turn him on with this, if he wanted. With this and with a lot of other things…

  
After Curly was ready with this he climbed off Dave’s lap and tugged down his jeans too. He stood next to the bed and quickly got rid off his own thick sweater. Dave knelt up and now he was the one who was undressing the other one. First he rolled up Mart’s T-shirt, revealing the sensitive skin of his tummy and he couldn’t stop himself – he had to bend forward and bite it gently, while his long fingers loosened Mart’s belt easily. They pulled down the zipper and unbuttoned its button. Finally with an elegant move he tossed it onto the floor.

  
Mart sighed wobbly and dug into Dave’s slightly messy hair again. He was wondering whether he should let things go wild or not. He knew that a few touches from Dave’d be enough and his body’d be on fire, but today an innocent cuddling’d satisfy him too after such a deep conversation.

  
But Dave didn’t continue it, he let the already red skin go and slid backwards on the mattress to give room for Martin next to him. His lover got his answer from this and with a little smile on his lips he climbed into the bed, next to Dave. After they cuddled to each other he pulled the blanket over them.

  
“Set the alarm” he murmured into Dave’s neck, motioning towards the alarm clock on the nightstand “John’ll be the one who’ll kick us out of the bed if we oversleep.”

  
“That wouldn’t be so great” Dave answered and reached for the clock. After setting it he embraced Mart with both of his hands.

  
It was as if Curly wanted to find a shelter from the world – he nuzzled to Dave like this, bathing his face in Dave’s adored scent. He was tired. Worn out physically and mentally. He wasn’t used to talk about his feelings for this long. And recalling the memories stirred up old happenings in his soul too – and not every one of them was pleasant. Before Dave fell asleep, he gave a kiss onto the top of Mart’s head and whispered a “good night”.

  
Mart was listening to the deep breaths and to the steady rhythm of Dave’s heart. He loved sleeping with Dave, he loved this sound, his closeness, their love. No one could understand it. He loved the duality it caused in him: he was happy and suffered in the same time. His heart was flying because this man, his soulmate loved him too, but it was painful knowing that they’ll be never able to love each other completely and freely, that he had to content himself with this secret affair, love, which has begun unbelievably long ago, hidden from everyone…

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

 

The next day – after their jet landed on the airport – Dave had not much time to sink into his thoughts, because he had to hurry to that interview. But during the trip to the building where the interview took place, he let his thoughts swirl in his head. All the things Martin had told him last night was important to him. He’d have never thought that Martin felt like this for him for such a long time. Dave thought that this love started growing slowly and with time and maybe that he was the one who took the first step. Because – although he’d never mentioned – he had been toying with the idea of the two of them for a long while before their first lovemaking… He didn’t know what evoked this whole thing on his side. Maybe Martin thought that he was able to hide every sign of his emotions, but – although not willingly – he had ambiguous moves and comments. Maybe these things had started Dave’s fantasy. Because first it was just fantasizing, which became some kind of a desire. This was the cause why Dave let their first night happen. He though that that was it, but no, he wanted it again and he wanted more and more. More emotions and it wasn’t about the sex anymore. Now he knew that his question – how it could feel like being with the blonde man – wasn’t just a simple thought. Now that Martin revealed a part of his soul, Dave loved him even more. He’d have never thought that Mart had to live through all those things, that he had to wait for him that long. He had been waiting just for him. This was the trigger for Mart to sleep with other men. And he did this just because he wanted Dave to be happy, to enjoy their encounters. And yes, they were great – he never felt something like this before. Although those times when Dave got to know Sue was hard…

His thoughts were interrupted by a soft jolt when the car he was sitting in stopped and he got out stepping into the building where the interview awaited him.

“Ah, Mr. Gahan, I was waiting for you!” a pretty woman hurried to him in the minute he stepped into the right room “I’m Rowan Petersen and I’ll take the interview” she smiled at him “Please, come in and take a seat!” she waved towards the prepared table after shaking hands.

After greeting the woman he obeyed and waited for the questions with a smile.

“Well, maybe we should start right away. I guess you’re very busy because of the tour so I don’t want to steal too much from your time. Lately there were a lot of bad news around the band. In spring a lot of your fans were worried because of your sickness. How do you feel now?”

“I’m feeling great. But of course I wasn’t happy that we had to cancel all those concerts and that we disappointed our fans, but my mates, my family and last but not least our fans reassured me that my health is the most important. Since then we try to make up for everything. In the last concert leg we tried to put in all the cancelled shows – or at least those which we could rearrange…” Dave began, but he couldn’t pay attention. Yes, Martin had been there for him and told him several times that his health is more important when Dave started worrying how he let down thousands of his fans. Maybe Martin supported him even more than his wife. Jen was scared and cried, she told Dave how happy she was that Dave was alright and how much she and the kids love him, but Martin handled this whole thing differently. That was the time when Dave’d realized that his wife doesn’t know his true self. He was wondering whether Martin’s ex-wife had known Curly’s.

Dave wasn’t surprised when back then Mart announced him shyly that he’d met someone and that it was getting serious. In those times their relationship wasn’t that strong like now. He sees it just now in the light of those things, which Martin had told him last nigh. Curly wanted to get close to him badly, but Dave didn’t let him, he just used him. They had sex when he wanted the pleasures Mart could give him, but he didn’t let him close to him. And Dave made himself believe that this little affair with his mate meant nothing. So it was understandable that Mart searched for other opportunities. “I’m sure he was hungry for love” Dave thought “after I handled him, like a dog.”

At first Dave accepted Sue completely as Martin’s girlfriend, and he was even happy about it. He wanted to feel happy about it. He wanted to feel happy about that Martin was happy and he wanted to believe that it didn’t disturb him that the blonde man would not look at him again the way he did before Sue. But with time truth came out and Dave couldn’t escape his own feelings. He couldn’t stand it. It was awful. He had been already using, but not that badly as at the beginning of the so-called “Devo-era”. He had new “friends” to get drugs more easily. The situation was getting worse. He separated himself from his bandmates and the music. He remarried, but he needed just someone who was like him. He wanted to cause pain for everyone, because he was in pain too. And in the same time he felt the lack of love and everything he couldn’t give to somebody, he gave it to the fans. He searched the get-out from the darkness and pain in them. He wanted someone to love him. And he thought the crowd loved him. He was satisfied… he thought he was. He didn’t want to get out of it…

“Mr. Gahan? Are you okay?” these two sentences interrupted his thoughts and led him back to reality. Probably he sank too deep into his thoughts and didn’t answer a question. To tell the truth he didn’t even know how much time had passed.

“Yes, I’m fine.”

“Then let’s return to the question… So how are things in the band now? Do you enjoy the concerts?”

Dave gave her a wide smile “Yes, of course!”

 

\---

 

The interview was long and Dave felt as if his brain had been screwed out. He felt the way back to the hotel endless. He was tired as he walked towards his room, his thoughts running through his head, mixing the memories of the interview and the past.

“Dave… Dave! Hello!” Martin touched Dave’s upper-arm “What’s with you? Don’t you hear me?” he smiled at him, but his smile faded a bit when he saw the faraway-look “Is there something wrong?”

“What? Oh, no, no… It’s just that the interview was long, a real torture” he started rattling with his key in the door.

“Did they dig into your old mistakes again or was it enough asking about your health now?”

“The truth is that I don’t really remember. I don’t know what I’d answered to the questions.”

“Why?” he looked at him, seriously examining Dave’s face.

“Your marriage came into my mind.”

Martin was genuinely surprised, standing in front of Dave’s door.

“Why?”

“Because of the things you’d told me yesterday. And I was just using you for such a long time… And then Sue came. Did you love her?” he looked at Mart a bit sadly.

“Maybe we shouldn’t talk about this here….” he said quietly when a man in suit walked past them.

“Come in” he said and opened the door.

Martin followed him into the room with a serious expression. He didn’t like talking about his wasted marriage. After he sat down into one of the armchairs he looked at Dave again “Why do you want to know it?”

“I just want to know whether you loved her or not” Dave shrugged.

“Of course I loved her. Why wouldn’t I?” he looked at him confused.

“Well… you’ve spent 10 years of your life with her and at least you could live with her in public.”

“What do you mean by that?” his eyes got more serious.

“You’d chosen her because you loved her or because you had no chance to be with me in the way you wanted?”

“What? You’re talking bullshit!” he said and looked away.

“No. The things you’ve said yesterday and the way I’d handled things… it can’t be a coincidence. Until now I’ve thought that you just met her, fell in love with her and that’s all. But no, Mart, you searched for someone deliberately, whom you could put into my place” Dave said, but there was no anger in his voice.

“No. You’re wrong. I’d fled to Sue. I loved you, with love… But you had no intentions giving me what I wanted. She did and I fell in love with her. If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t let her to give birth to my kids…” His voice was low and sad as he was scratching the armrest with his black nails.

“I haven’t said that you hadn’t loved her. Rather… you desired love so much – to give and to get – that you’d chosen that way” Dave sat down onto the bed.

“What’d have you done in my place? You can’t know what I’d felt back then, how much you’d hurt me willingly or unwillingly” he stood up to walk to the window, stroking along the white curtain.

“I’m not accusing you” Dave shook his head “I’ve just realized things now. Why did you wait until now to tell me all these things? Why now? After 21 years? Didn’t you trust me enough yet?”

“I didn’t want to talk about it” he shrugged.

“You’ve spent twice the time with me than with your ex-wife and you didn’t want to tell me these things?” Dave asked quietly.

“There was no need to stir up the past.”

“This is your answer?” he looked up “This? You answer with this to the fact that you had no trust in me, that you didn’t think that it was important for me to know this?”

“I didn’t want to bother you with this too. I wanted to tell you these things a few times, but something always came up which stopped me from doing it. Then I put up with it that maybe it’s better not talking about it, that maybe it wouldn’t do any good telling you this.”

“Really?! Because in that case a lot of things would have fallen into their places and you wouldn’t have liked the bigger picture?!” Dave jumped up and although he wasn’t shouting, his voice was full with anger.

Martin squeezed his eyes shut and hugged himself, showing his back to Dave, as if he was cold. His fingers dug into his own skin, but he didn’t care.

“What’d have fallen into their places?” he gritted through his teeth.

“Maybe if you had told me this a bit earlier, my worst junky period would have never happened?!” Dave barked at him.

Martin’s heart sank again “What?” he moaned barely audible.

“What do you think what was one of the causes behind it?! You! You and your wife! Because you didn’t want me, because you refilled my place with a woman, whom you could walk with on the streets, whom you could kiss on the pictures, whom you could love feely!”

“No… this can’t be true…”

“Yes, it is” Dave answered. A vein was throbbing on his neck dangerously.

Martin was standing by the window shell-shocked, still showing his back to Dave. He thought he’d drown from the pain, which filled his soul and heart hearing this! HE was the cause why Dave sank that deep?! He was one of the causes why he poisoned his body?! He was the cause of Dave’s death?!?! NO! No, he can’t mean it! He just wants to torture him! He just wants to punish him! No, this can’t be… No… He can’t be at fault for everything! He can’t just blame it on him! No…

He was still grabbing his own upper-arms with sunken shoulders and he wasn’t able to talk or move. He was grasping for air without a sound.

“I can’t believe it… I can’t believe it…” Dave repeated edgily while he was crawling back and forth in the room. But after a few minutes he noticed the silence “Say something!” he looked at Martin, but no answer came. Dave walked to him animatedly and grabbed Curly by his right arm to turn him towards him… then he opened his mouth in shock “Mart?” he asked and his voice was gentle now, full of worry.

The blonde man’s eyes were red and tears were flowing on his face as he was sobbing and shaking without a voice.

Dave drew him into a tight embrace and let his fingers dig into the thick curls “Shh… it’s alright… it’s alright…” he said quietly.

And this was it for Martin, he couldn’t bear it anymore. His painful sobs came louder now as he buried his face into Dave’s shoulder, but his hands were still grabbing himself, as if he was in a shock.

“I’m… I’m… I’m so… sorry!” he hiccupped after a few minutes, still sobbing hard “I… didn’t… didn’t… know! I didn’t…”

“You couldn’t know. It’s not your fault. I was too weak to face myself. I can thank all of this just for me. It’s natural that you wanted to have a normal life after I’ve pushed you away. You wanted to move on. I’m sorry, I had no right to blame it on you.”

“I can’t stand it… I don’t want to think about this… I love you! I love you so much! I don’t want to think about the ‘what ifs’… and because of me… it’s partly my fault… I was a coward… I’m a coward!” he panted onto Dave’s already wet pullover.

“Mart” Dave lifted his face with a finger so he was able to look into his eyes “I’m here. I’m fine. I’m not dead. It was a long time ago. Don’t blame yourself. I’ve told you, it’s my fault.”

Martin’s teary eyes were full of pain as he held the eye-contact and finally he let his own arms go – he knew that next day the marks of his own fingers’ll be there, but he didn’t care. He just hugged, no not hugged, he clung to the singer.

“Not just yours. And I’m very… very sorry” he sniffed.

“Don’t. I’ve learnt my lesson from it. Don’t distress yourself because of this. Please. Since then you’ve helped me a lot, because you were and are here for me” he smiled.

“And you for me… For example when I’d stopped drinking…” After this it wasn’t a coincidence that he didn’t mention his divorce.

Dave pulled away a bit and wiped away Mart’s tears then took his face into his palms to examine the green eyes “How could I be mad at you?” he asked quietly.

Mart slid one of his hands onto Dave’s hand, which was resting on his face, while the other was still firmly holding on to Dave’s sweater. Finally a short smile appeared on his lips then he was serious again, but now he was much calmer.

“I’m sorry that I’ve never told you this either! I think… we’ll have to tell a lot more to each other…

Dave just nodded then his lips found the other mouth for a gentle kiss.

 

\---

 

Martin was sitting in his room, in the middle of the bed. It was early dawn. The first messengers of the rising sun just started painting the bottom of the sky with their colours. Earlier he’d opened the curtains, but didn’t turn on the lights. He was sitting in the dark, his guitar on his lap and he was quietly plunking a long-forgotten melody. A long time ago he wrote this one for Dave too, but he’d never finished it. Its lyrics was somewhere in a drawer in Santa Barbara – unless he threw it away since then.

He was thinking. Dave was right. At the beginning he was more than happy to have Sue and “refill” Dave’s place with her, trying to ease the emptiness and pain he caused. He could remember well those times – it was the first time that he’d hurt Mart badly. The process was long and more and more painful. He didn’t know what’d got into Dave those days. Maybe he’d got bored with him? No – according to his confession from last night. Then maybe Martin was too much for him with his emotions? Did he monopolize the singer too much? But he always tried to pay attention on such things so that Dave wouldn’t feel Mart’s presence or his feelings for him bothersome! Maybe he wasn’t ‘low-key’ enough, maybe love made him crazy… But after all these years he wasn’t able to guess the right cause. He didn’t know whether Dave and Jo’s problematic marriage had counted in this question too or not. Now that Dave objected his heavy drug-addiction to Martin, he wanted to believe that at least he had nothing to do with their divorce. It didn’t matter that later he said he was sorry for saying this and that it wasn’t true, Martin believed in those words, which slid out of Dave’s mouth in his anger. The words Dave’d buried deep into himself a long time ago. And Martin hated himself for this.

He hated that their relationship was full of difficulties! The world outside their bubble have been always lurking around in a frustrating way even during their happiest minutes, threatening them that only one mad move is enough to lose everything… Mart saw several times in his head that someone’ll surprise them in the act, or Dave just gets bored with him and turns away from him. And imagining these things makes him feel the poisoned dagger in his heart. It was worst enough thinking about it, but he had to prepare himself for such things too.

And he was right. Dave’d changed in those times. Something had bothered him, but he avoided talking about it and he drove Mart away and later he literally pushed him and his love away – without any explanation. He couldn’t do anything against it, he locked Mart out and the blond man was so lonely, like never before. And this is why hope awoke in Martin’s heart when Sue came into the picture. First it was just for fun. The both of them enjoyed being with each other and Martin could have felt himself important again. There was somebody, who wanted him, who accepted him – although she never knew his true self, because she wouldn’t have been able to handle it. But he let that relationship develop and he slowly realized that Sue was one of his soul mates too. When this’d got clear to him, he reached for the opportunity of being with her with both of his hands. Because when he was alone with her, the pain Dave‘s behavior and refusal caused had eased. Sue was healing him without knowing about it. But when Martin saw that things were getting more serious and he fell in love with her, another shadow crept over his heart, not allowing him to be absolutely happy and give himself completely to the wonderfully tingling and healing feeling that he loves someone and that someone loves him too… And this shadow was Dave. Again. Always Dave.

He didn’t know how to tell it to Dave. Andy knew how things were between him and Sue and he supported the blonde man to let their relationship deepen, cuz his red-haired friend saw too that her love did good to Martin. But Mart hesitated. He saw that Dave was doing wilder and wilder things – when he met him at all, because the singer was always out, partying in the night, following his own path. He’d told Martin that after the Masses tour he needs some time to put things into their places. And by that he meant the tour and the huge success which gave them full-house stadium shows. Mart was afraid that after all this Dave would not look at him in the way he did earlier, that he won’t touch him in the way he did during their sinful and secret nights. But after a while somehow he grew tired from the situation. His soul was in crossfire. He wanted the future with Sue, but he didn’t want to lose Dave either. But after all the pros for Sue won over Dave, and the fact that she was pregnant influenced his decision too…

This was the last drop to go and face Dave, telling him that he’ll engage Sue and they’ll live together, starting their own family. Martin could be cruel too, if he wanted. Although he never wanted to hurt Dave, but back then he needed to say things out loud to reassure his own decision. He didn’t want to further expose himself to Dave’s more and more frequent and ironic atrocities. He wanted to be strong. He reached the point where he wanted to close this strange relationship with him, because he thought that it was already over. He wanted to see things clearly, so he stepped to Dave and told him the news. He’ll never forget his expression…

He closed his eyes and continued the previous melody on his guitar then he put the instrument onto the pillow when his cell started to ring. He checked his watch. It was only half past five in the morning, but when he saw that his daughter Ava calls him, he picked it up with a smile.

“Hi, sweetie! You’re already up?”

“Yes, you know that I’m an early bird and I’m organizing stuff, anyway!” she laughed “But I hope I didn’t wake you up!”

“No, no. Tell me, why did you call?”

“Well, you know, it’s about mom’s surprise b-day party. You still coming, right? You haven’t changed your mind?”

“No, I’ll catch a flight to

Santa Barbara, as I’ve promised.”

“Great! So listen, there are some things I want to discuss about…” she began and Mart was listening to his daughter’s instructions with a smile. With her organizing skills sometimes she reminded him badly on Sue. Meanwhile the sun was rising between the skyscrapers, bathing the buildings’ windows in a fresh, nearly cold morning light.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

  


 

Dave was a bit late when he stepped into the stadium they were playing that night. He knew that Kessy’ll kill him for this, but he didn’t care. Last night they tore old wounds open with Martin and who knows what kind of pain Dave caused him without knowing about it? It was a mistake to accuse him. Why couldn’t he keep his mouth shut? He didn’t want to cause pain for the blonde man, who already had to bear so much because of him… they had to bear so many things because of each other… because of their emotions… Dave didn’t want to say those words, but he could remember that pain clearly, which had been torturing him more and more with every passing day and at the end it chased him into death. He wanted to see Mart before the concert, he had to see him! And he wanted to talk to him, cuz he knew Curly well… He knew that one sentence was enough from him and the blonde starts to torture himself. Reaching the narrow corridor he quickly passed Andy, Christian and Peter then knocked on the right door, which said that it was Martin’s dressing room.

“Yes?” his muffled voice came from the other side of the door. He was putting on glittery powder. Dave opened the door.

“Hi” he said and walked next to Martin.

“Hi” he reached for his glittering west “What’s up? Don’t tell me that John’d already sent you to collect me…”

“No. I wanted to talk to you before going on stage. I know that last night I’ve hurt you. Please, don’t be mad at me. I really shouldn’t have said that it was your fault, because it wasn’t” he looked at him.

“Oh… I see” he returned the look a bit confused then concentrated onto the buttons of his vest.

“Can I help you?” Dave smiled.

“If you want… But be careful, the glitters on you’ll be telltale.”

“I don’t care” he pulled Mart to him and leaped on the adored lips nearly desperately. He was disturbed by those memories too, although he tried to hide it.

Mart returned the kisses willingly, melting into them for a few moments, forgetting to ask himself what had gotten into Dave. Well, he had some idea of it – he was sure the memories had unsettled him too. He took Dave’s face between his glittering hands and he had to concentrate very hard not to let his hands wander downwards, leaving glitters on too unambiguous places as well.

Dave let out a wobbly sigh and closed his eyes “I want you” he whispered quietly.

“I want you too…” Mart whispered back into Dave’s mouth, nearly getting lost in the dark look “But we don’t have time for this now, the stage waits.”

Dave just moaned hearing this. He didn’t want to go onto stage and sing. He felt not enough power to do it. It was as if during the years he grew more and more tired and this suddenly came out now. He just wanted to stay with Martin and love him – for long hours, softly and he wouldn’t mind the past, the future, anything.

“Hey, sweetie, don’t wild down like this!” Mart caressed his face then gave another deep kiss, trying to give some energy to the singer.

After parting their lips, Dave smiled faintly “I go and change my outfit” and he walked out of the room.

He quickly got into his stage outfit and stepped onto the stage. The crowd went crazy even from seeing them. The concert went down easily, he was playing with the audience keenly, he was spinning, dancing and finally it was hard to leave the fans behind. Not wanting to stand there and sing was a rare thing to him, but when he was there, it was as if life had returned into him. The love of the crowd filled him up for those two hours he was singing for them. He loved them. At the end of the show the crowd didn’t want to let them go, but they had to go. After a quick shower and change they were in the hotel again. Although the others invited Dave too, he refused going into the bar and headed into his room.

 

\---

 

Martin couldn’t bear the chitchat downstairs anymore. He excused himself and quickly headed upstairs. He felt incomplete without Dave. He felt the raging stress in his body, which was just getting bigger and bigger when his cell started ringing. It was a call from home. He quickly arranged it, because he couldn’t take it anymore. He didn’t care how Dave’ll react, or that maybe he’s asleep, he just needed him! The door was unlocked and let him step in quietly, but he turned the key in the lock. He didn’t want to take any risks.

Dave looked up and didn’t say a word. He could read the crystal-clear desire from the green eyes. Mart had no intentions wasting any time for talking so he hurried straight to the bed, as if he was afraid that the singer’d disappear in the next moment. He sat onto his lap in the same way as a few nights before, but this time there was no tenderness in his moves as the raw instincts broke loose inside of him – with one single push he pinned Dave onto the sheets, attacking the full lips greedily.

Dave returned the kiss with the same élan, putting his long arms around Martin immediately, just to feel that he was really there with him. He couldn’t get enough from the warmth of Mart’s skin, his scent, his taste, his touches… Even after all these years there was no change in the heat of desire he felt for the blonde man.

Curly dragged down the dark T-shirt from Dave within seconds. He wanted to feel his naked skin. Dave moaned when he felt Mart’s touch on his bare skin. He felt his trousers painfully tight even from this. His mate couldn’t stop himself, he had to press his own hot groin to his, nearly growling from the wonderful feeling.

“You’ll be mine…” he stated and the lust made his voice unusually low.

“I’ve already given myself to you…” he sighed when he felt Mart’s hardness on his groin.

“But I want you again… your body and soul…” he whispered, while one of his hands stroked along Dave’s length through the trousers.

“Then why are you talking?! Just do it!” he yelled on his rich voice, suffering.

Martin smiled from Dave’s impatience. If he had been in such a mood, it could have been easy to torture him a bit. He knew how impatient Dave could be, but now he had no strength to hold himself back and love him slowly and gently. The urge was much stronger. He sat up on Dave’s thighs and quickly undid the singer’s belt. One of his hands slid under his underwear right away to free the already hardening member. He squeezed it firmly. Dave had to cry out from this, but he pulled himself together and lifted his head. He loved watching Martin when he was torturing him. The desire took control over his lover so he quickly slid downwards to take the singer between his lips. He loved the feeling, when his hardness filled his mouth! Dave moaned again, but he didn’t look away from his lover. He couldn’t stop himself, he had to dug into the blonde curls – as always in such situations.

“You’re so tasty!” Mart pulled away for a moment then closed his eyes and traced a vein on the cock he was holding in his hand.

Dave just bent down and kissed him deeply. After pulling away he looked at Mart with shining eyes then let him bend down to him again. While working on Dave, with one hand he opened his painfully tight trousers and sighed with relief when the pressure eased on his groin. In the next moment he was already dragging down Dave’s trousers and pants.

“How do you want it?” he asked.

“I want to make you mine” Dave whispered “I’ll die, if you don’t let me!”

“Then do it!” he let Dave take charge.

Dave bent down to him and kissed him again. “I love you so much…” he whispered while one hand started moving down on Mart’s body “You’re the best thing in my life… I go crazy for you!” he looked onto Mart with nearly black eyes while his long fingers reached their destination, sneaking around the hard cock and starting pumping it.

A shiver ran through his lover from his words and from the feeling as well, as he felt the wonderful fingers around him.

“Dave!” he moaned faintly towards the ceiling.

But Dave showed no mercy – he bent down to Mart’s groin and took the adored member into his mouth to drive its owner crazy with his gentle work. Martin pulled Dave’s hair painfully as his hand fisted there. He thought he’d explode. He wanted Dave so badly! But Dave went on and on, until Mart was straining painfully. Then Dave straightened up and bit into his neck. In exchange for the pain he soothed it with a sweet kiss on the lips, pushing Mart down and forcing him to turn around. He obeyed and took an oily body lotion from the nightstand and threw it next to Dave’s leg. The desire for feeling him inside his body again was so strong that Mart felt his blood boiling.

Dave opened the bottle, poured some into his hand and smeared it on the right place. He grabbed himself, positioning his cock and slowly started entering his mate. Martin squeezed his eyes shut and cried out from the sweet pain and joy he felt at the same time, while he tried to loosen his muscles as best as he could. Soon Dave found the right rhythm for the both of them – he had practice in it. He propped himself on his hands next to Mart’s side and pressed his body against Martin’s back, moaning into Curly’s ear with every thrust. A shiver ran down Mart’s spine as he felt Dave’s breath between his curls and on his hot skin. He was moaning loudly as he felt the adored man penetrating him even deeper.

“That’s it… More!” he breathed with shaking lips and closed eyes.

Dave obeyed and started moaning from the heightening pleasures, nibbling on Mart’s earlobe. Mart shifted and propped himself on his forearms now, allowing an even better penetration for his love, while he grabbed himself roughly. He moaned into the pillow from the double pleasure he felt. Dave used up the better angle and losing his control he accelerated his pace, loving the man under him nearly in a feral way.

Martin felt his body swimming in sweat, but he didn’t care. He was concentrating only on Dave’s touches, voice and thrusts, and on his own pleasure, which was coming nearer and nearer quickly. After a really deep thrust he had no choice than crying out loud. His whole body was shaking and he felt the hot fluid on his own hand. Dave was still moving inside of him for a few minutes then he fell off that cliff with a loud yell.

After his body relaxed, he gently slid out of his love and collapsed next to him. His sweaty chest was moving up and down quickly as he was grasping for air. Martin tried to get some air into his lungs too, although he still couldn’t find the way back on the path of pleasures. As he was lying on his tummy with closed eyes, he was able only to slide his hand into Dave’s. Dave smiled and softly squeezed the hand in his before embracing and pulling Mart to him.

“I want to stay with you forever” he whispered.

“Me too…” he breathed back hoarsely. His eyes were still closed so Dave couldn’t see the bad feeling in them flickering as Mart thought that this probably won’t last forever either.

Dave turned to his love with a smile and brushed his finger along his cheek, looking at him with pleasure.

“I love you so much…” Mart faltered out finally looking into the singer’s eyes.

“Me too” he caressed Martin’s face again, while he got lost in his irises.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

 

After a few minutes of struggling Martin finally asked – on a bit unsure tone – what he wanted to know.

“Dave… I was thinking a lot in the last couple of days – mainly since I freaked out in front of you… Well… I replayed those times in my head when Sue came into my life…” here he paused for a moment cuz he noticed that Dave’s eyes got a bit darker “… and I remembered that expression you had when I’ve announced that I’ll merry her… and that she was pregnant with Viva…”

“Why do you tell me this now?” he asked quietly. He remembered that day, which pushed him into a very long and painful period of time. And he still hated that day in the same way.

“I just want to know what was going on in you then. I want to know your side of the story. Because we agreed that we will talk honestly about those things we haven’t told each other.”

“I hated you for that. And it hurt hating you. I felt as if you had left me, that you threw out me… I was much younger and bull-headed in those days” he sighed “And, you know, I took it badly. You know the consequences.”

“I was afraid of this… that you hated me… But you’ve pushed me away earlier and I had to be harsher with you to protect myself. At the same time you’re the most destructive and most beautiful thing in my life…”

Dave just smiled softly and caressed Mart’s face next to his “It was unbelievably hard to see you happy on her side, that she could give you want I couldn’t, that you could live with her in peace. You didn’t have to hide your feelings, you could love her freely… I couldn’t bear it and I wanted to ease the pain. But nothing helped. So I used harder and harder stuffs. When I overdosed myself, I thought that it’ll be better… that nothing’ll hurt and finally I can get rid off the pain. But they brought me back.”

“Luckily” Martin noted quietly.

“Did you feel the same way back then? Because you had a family, your life was complete without me” Dave answered and he couldn’t hide that little ill feeling in his voice, which was still inside of him after all these years. The cut was too deep on his soul to forget it.

“My life… wasn’t complete… because you weren’t a part of it…” he looked into the wounded eyes again “I was lying to myself that it’ll be better this way, that it’ll be better for everyone. I couldn’t understand you. I couldn’t understand why you’d pushed me away. I blamed myself that I was too much for you, that I stuck to you too much and I put restraint on your freedom – so to say. Cuz both of us knows that you’re driven by your instincts… I mean, that you’re an emotional person. You want everything quickly and in an instant, but you know that you can’t always have what you want…”

“Just like I couldn’t get you for a long time either. I was confused. I was the great Dave Gahan, who can play with everyone, who can get anything, I couldn’t even had to ask for it. And I was very proud that I owned you. I was awfully vain and egoist. And it had its result – I’d lost you for 10 years. But maybe I needed this hard lesson to step over my own fussiness.”

“Yes… Although you’ve paid the prize sorely” he closed his eyes for a moment as those chaotic and frightening times came into his mind “Would you tell me why? Why did you push me away? Did I do something wrong?”

“No, not at all” Dave smiled bitterly “You know how I was back then. I didn’t dare to face a lot of things and I believed that everything we did was my merit. You were one special piece of my ‘collection’ and I was simply enjoying that I could play the king in my kingdom. You haven’t done anything wrong. I wasn’t willing to face which kind of feelings I had for you, cuz in the depths of my soul I was afraid from this whole thing. And to convince myself that I was still the one who held control, I wanted to prevail over you, doing what ever I wanted to do with you. If you like: to punish you without any reason and to see you suffering. For a long time I proved with my heartlessness that you had no effect on me. But I had to concede that I was wrong – and it happened that day when you stepped in front of me with that tortured expression and announced me that you’ll get married. You did the right thing. I felt so sorry that you had to suffer this much until that point… and all because of me” he closed his eyes, because he lost control over his emotions for a moment.

“And I thought… But I knew that you’re like this. There weren’t too many chances to say no to your will, I could tinge you just a bit… I loved you too much so I tried to bear everything – suppressing my own emotions and needs. I just wanted you to be my island, where I could rest, where I could get some caresses or a kiss. It’s true that Sue gave me this, but making that decision and face you with it was awfully hard. When I was standing there and told you those words and I’ve seen your face, I thought that you’d hit me, that you wanted me to feel the pain physically too… Then and there I was fed up. But… back then… a part of my soul had burned out when I thought that it was over for good.”

“Well yes… it was as if you’d torn out, chewed and spat out a piece from me…”

“I’m sorry, but I had to do it, if I didn’t want to collapse completely.”

“And after that? What’d happened? After Sue became your wife were you able to live happily?” Dave looked into the green eyes. He could confess to himself that he was afraid of the answer.

“I was happy, yes. But as I’ve mentioned, not completely. I’ve missed you. You’d left a hole in me and not even Sue or Viva could heal it.”

“And what did you feel when I’ve got into the hospital after the overdose? When I practically died?”

Mart’s face flinched from the question so he had to close his eyes. He sighed a big one before answering. Back then he was badly sized with compunction, because before that he had a bad relationship with Dave and Martin thought that he’d never be able to see him again, that they’ll “part” with anger.

“When John gave me that call, I thought that I’d die too.”

Dave just smiled from the bitter memory of lying in hospital and when he woke up it was as if thousands of accusing eyes had been watching him, although just his band mates and Kessy were there. But the worst thing was to look into Martin’s eyes… That was that moment when he realized completely the consequences of his actions. He will never forget that strong pain he felt. That was the moment when he’d decided to stop using. It was awfully hard – real physical pain – as if visiting Hell. But his blonde friend was always there in the background for him. For a short while he thought that everything’s gonna be fine, like in the old days… but it didn’t happen that way. Martin wasn’t willing to risk his family because of him and Dave’s anger towards Sue just grew. He’d stopped using, but after Ultra the band got into a crisis again, because he wasn’t willing to really speak to Martin until his divorce…

“You hated Suzanne really much, right?”

“Sorta. Was it this obvious?”

“When she was there it wasn’t” he mused for a moment “But I see a lot more than the others who look at you.”

“What did you see?” he nuzzled closer to the warm body.

“I’ve seen that you hated her without any reason. She wasn’t the one to be blamed. You hated me too, but Sue got most of your hate – you wanted to blame her for the pain my decision had caused. You should have hated me and not her. Just me. And I guess you did.”

“I wasn’t able to hate you enough.”

Mart smiled from this faintly and stroked along Dave’s tattooed arm.

“Luckily. But not speaking to me – just when it was really necessary – was another very painful period of time. I thought that after Ultra Depeche was over. I’ve heard that your relationship with Jen got more serious and that you wanted to start a new life in

New York.”

“Don’t tell me that… you were jealous?!” Dave smiled maliciously.

“Why? You weren’t?”

“Yes I was, but you’re much more cool-headed than me.”

“Maybe, but I know jealousy too” he smiled a bit too.

“How did you live it?” he asked and gave a gentle kiss onto Mart’s mouth.

The other man enjoyed Dave’s taste for a few moments then looked at him again.

“I tried to concentrate on my family and work, putting the feeling into a hidden corner of my mind and not thinking about what you could have been doing with her.”

“And what am I doing now?” he smiled, but there was something else in his smile too as the long fingers – barely touching Mart’s skin – were caressing his lover’s side. A shiver ran down Curly’s spine and goose bumps appeared on his skin.

“Now you’re trying to change the subject…”

“Now I’m enjoying the moment.”

“Yes I see and feel it” he laughed out typically. Then he gave Dave a smile, but his green eyes were still shining. He sighed then went on quietly.

“David… sometimes I feel like a moth, which burns himself if he gets too close to the flame. You’re my flame.”

“So… I have a moth?” he laughed quietly while embracing Mart to pull him as close to him as it was possible.

“Just in case you like silly moths, which are willing to risk their lives to the objects they adore above all” he answered, nuzzling to Dave in the tight embrace.

“Of course I like them… Would I be with you if I didn’t?”

“I guess you wouldn’t… In that case you’d have just burned me, not letting me to live on…”

“I won’t burn you. I need you.”

“It’s good to hear this, sweetie” he kissed him tenderly.

Dave returned it smiling. All those things in the past didn’t matter – they couldn’t change the way he felt for Martin. He was happy to have him – that he could finally be with him. He fell asleep thinking about this.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

 

 

The days were passing by quickly and Dave got more and more excited that they’ll play in

New York soon. He’ll be able to spend some time with his family calmly. He missed the kids the most. He smiled when he was thinking about how happy they’ll be when he steps in through the front door. They’ll ask him to tell them stories and to go to the park and stuff like that. He couldn’t wait to do these things.

Meanwhile Mart tried to be happy for Dave. The singer deserved to be with his beloved ones on familiar grounds. But his lover couldn’t fully suppress that little sadness he felt because of the upcoming two

New York gigs. It seemed that after all Dave was the winner of the last chaotic decade – he still had his family, his marriage was working despite the smaller problems they had. But Martin – nonetheless he still had a good relationship with Suzanne and the kids – was alone, if we don’t count those women he was with since his divorce. But of course he paid attention not to let his front man see anything from this.

The singer was eagerly waiting for their jet to land and he quickly said goodbye to the band to return home. He knew that his family was waiting for him and he smiled when he started rattling at the door with his keys.

“Hi, honey!” Jen hurried to him and took his bag so he could take off his leather-jacket “We had been waiting for you!” she smiled at him and gave a kiss onto his mouth.

“Hello, darling!” Dave hugged his wife tightly then he had to release her quickly so he could hug the kids too. Rosie started speaking immediately and sometimes she was so fast that he could barely understand what she told him. He just laughed at Jen then they went into the living room. He quickly put his things down so he could pay all his attention on his family.

“Was everything OK with the flight? Are you feeling okay?” his wife asked following him into the bedroom.

“Sure. You don’t have to worry for me all the time” he smiled and put his other bag down.

“Alright” she stroked along Dave’s arm “We were about to take a walk with Rosie at the peers. Do you want to join us or you’d rather rest a bit?”

“Sure I go!” he snatched the opportunity, cuz he wasn’t able to see his family since a long time.

 

\---

 

Now that Dave was with his family, the blonde man had time to think. Yes, somewhere he felt jealousy, but he didn’t say a word, he let things flow as they wanted. He felt himself closing up again, thanks to the last few days and he knew that Dave’ll notice this, but Mart couldn’t do anything against it.

Dave was enjoying the time he spent with Jen and the kids, but the time of the concert was closing in quickly and he had to go to be able to prepare himself for the show. He said goodbye and headed for the stadium. He knew the others’ll be there, cuz they had not much to do in the city. He was sure they’ve got into their dressing rooms much earlier. After he’s got in, he stepped into the common room. There was some football match on the flatscreen and his mates were killing time with chatting.

“Hi!” Dave greeted them taking off his jacket and scarf.

“Hey there, Dave! Finally you’ve got here!” Fletch checked his watch, turning halfway back to look at him “Was it good being at home?”

“Sure!” he smiled “And you’ve found shelter here against this big city or what?”

“The hive is too big” Mart shrugged in a bad mood as he was watching the match with his arms folded in front of his chest.

Andy just rolled his eyes “I took a long walk and bought some things for the kids” he rearranged his glasses with a smile.

Dave just nodded as an answer then glimpsed at his blonde mate. He wasn’t surprised: Martin’d changed. Was he angry because of something? He slightly shook his head then collected his things and headed towards his dressing room.

Curly looked up to watch Dave disappering with a serious gaze and an expressionless face then turned back to the screen, just grunting some answers to Fletch’s notes. Then it was time to prepare themselves for the show. Mart got over it quickly and was sitting in his dressing room until the beginning of the concert, playing some accords on one of his guitars. When someone came in to tell him it was time to go, he went into the common room and glimpsed at Fletch, who crunched his fingers, at Christian, who played with his drumsticks, at Peter who was thinking about something with closed eyes, and at Dave who was warming up with jumping from one foot to the other.

Dave was listening to the crowd with pleasure as they were loosing their minds and patience, chanting the band’s name, signing them that it was time to show up on the stage. For a moment he closed his eyes then he walked out to face them. The fans rattled and as he walked into the middle of the stage he bowed towards them. After the others took their places as well, he grabbed the microphone and started singing to Martin’s first guitar melodies.

The Madison Square Garden was always a special concert place in the band’s life. Partly because of its composition, and partly because it was in New York. The audience picked up the rhythm within a few moments, cuz they were hungry to see this double concert. As Martin glimpsed to the side, once he saw Jen in her flowery dress, propping her elbows on the railing, watching her husband lost in her thoughts. But Curly’s eyes moved on quickly onto Dave’s figure, who was shaking his ass on the catwalk. No matter how much he closed himself, this didn’t let him untouched. As the man was moving there, it made him burn for him and he felt his body awakening, but he suppressed the feeling. He knew that Dave was clear with it what these moves of his makes with Martin. He knew that the show was partly for him, but he tried to concentrate on playing his guitar.

Dave enjoyed ruling the crowd, which went crazy for him. Screaming from every move he made, chanting his name, reaching out for him, but it could never touch him and he liked this pervert game. He let this hungry animal closer and closer to him with a smile, just to dance away laughing, then giving it hope again, toying with it to make it try to catch him again. He’d got into a quite strange state of mind from this. The audience couldn’t get bored from his game – it was like drug to them, but this drug was called Dave Gahan. During singing the last song, he looked down at this thousand-handed, raging, suffering and addicted beast he’d created. He possessed the thousands of souls it contained, making him immortal, meeting them every night. As he reached the last lines, he could nearly see the churning saliva in the corner of its mouth as the monster was roaring and barking at him, because of not getting him and he left the catwalk laughing. They’ll meet tomorrow again.

Dave hasn’t listened to the crowd’s begging, he melted into the darkness as he headed for the corridors behind the stage. He stepped into his dressing room with a smile on his face. It was a good night and this made him happy – he could barely wait the next concert. But his smile faded away and disappeared when his blonde mate came into his mind. Somehow he was colder with him again and this made Dave uneasy. He wanted to speak to him on every account.

Curly went back to the hotel with Fletch and Peter, chatting. They’ve got out of the car and after a while Mart said goodbye to them to go up into his room, have a shower and crawl into the bed. He felt himself tired. He wanted to sleep and close out the outside world from his head.

Dave knocked in that moment on the white door. He hoped that Martin’ll let him in. The blonde man, laying in bed, growled and turned to his side, hoping that that someone in front of his door will give up after not getting any response. But that other person didn’t want to give up so he knocked again, but this time louder. Martin cursed quietly – cursing himself as well because of not putting out the ‘Do not disturb’ sign onto the door – and he got out of the bed in his grey T-shirt and boxers, shuffling to the door to check who dared to disturb him at this time.

“Dave… what the hell do you want this time of the night? I was sleeping” he glimpsed at the clock, which showed him that it was around half past two in the morning “Go home, we’ll talk tomorrow” he murmured with a sleepy head and was about to close the door.

But Dave stopped it with his hand “I want to talk to you. Now” he stated on an imperative tone. His eyes showed that his dominant and ruling self took mastery over him. It was rare for Martin to greet this side of him – it happened mainly during making love. He let go of the door unwillingly so the singer could walk into his room.

Dave did it and after Mart had closed the door, he looked at him. For a little while he was just examining him then asked: “What’s your problem with me?”

“Nothing” he shrugged “I’m just tired.”

“Are you lying to me?” Dave asked maybe a bit angrily “I’ve noticed that something’s wrong with you! In the common room you were acting like a pouting 5 years old, who couldn’t get outside to play with the others! Tell me what did I do wrong this time, according to your sick mind?! For what am I responsible this time?!” he raised his voice at the end.

“Dave, just go away” he told him on a calm tone “I’m not in the mood for this now. I want to be alone. I want to sleep. We’ll have a busy day tomorrow.”

“You’re not in the mood…” he repeated on a nearly broken tone. He walked to a nearby table and propped his hands on its surface. This wasn’t the first time to find himself in such a situation like this and after every time he thought it was getting more and more unbearable. He grew tired from this. When he looked up, his eyes reflected his pure and huge sadness and pain. How long can this go on like this? How long can he bear it? Once he nearly died from it and looking at the bigger picture he’d paid a high prize until now for the things he’d got in exchange. “So you’re not in the mood? And how long do I have to wait to find you in such a mood?” he asked on a harder tone.

Mart examined him then his eyes were resting on Dave’s tired face. He didn’t want to torture him, but now he wasn’t able to open up himself for him, to talk about his feelings.

“Dave…” he sighed and a regretful spark flicked in his eyes “I’m sorry, but I’m not able to do this right now” he walked to him. But despite his words and eyes his face remained still closed.

Dave pulled away from him “You don’t have to be able to do it” he hissed and his words were close to turn into hate-filled ones.

Mart’s face and eyes hardened from this even more. The hot-headed Dave is not able to understand him… again. “I thought that you know me enough to know in which kind of mood I am in, or that I’m able to talk about my feelings or not…”

“And you expect me to adapt myself to your mood-swings, and don’t care about the pain you cause me?!” Dave quirked “I’ve nearly died because of you and your feelings, and I should understand them!”

“Dave you want everything instantly again. Why do you want to force my answers from me? You know that I’ll tell you them anyway – if I want it and I’m ready for it” he said, still holding up his expressionless mask.

“Maybe I won’t be able to wait for you to tell me your problem. If you can’t answer my questions right away when I ask them…” he sighed “In such situations like this, I’m not sure that you love me at all. I’m not sure that you aren’t just playing with me. I’m asking you because I want to know what your problem is, but you don’t give a fuck! In the end it’ll turn out that you have a woman in your life again and you want to marry her and I should fuck off?!”

“You’re imagining things again.”

But Dave just shook his head “No. You keep things from me again – as you used to do to me often. I’m scared from the things you don’t want to tell me.”

Martin didn’t answer just turned away a bit, exhaling slowly as he was standing next to the door with his arms folded in front of his chest. Dave sighed resignedly. He saw that he won’t get what he wants from him so he headed for the door. Mart followed him just with his eyes, watching Dave as he hurried past him. He looked up just when the singer closed the door quietly.

When Mart was alone again, he sighed a long one and looked up with his sad eyes. He walked to the window and watched the empty streets. This sight was unusual to

New York, but Mart could draw a dark parallel with this and his current state of mind. How could he tell it to David? The thing which he feared the most? It wasn’t about just jealousy. Although he could have given him this as the cause, it wouldn’t have made any good to lie to his lover. No, he loved him too much to tell him this “gracious” lie. But next to this he wasn’t sure of himself. Was he doing the right thing, closing out David from his thoughts? Now that he’s in such an unstable emotional state? He doesn’t want him to believe that he just uses and plays with him. But he can’t tell him about that dark shadow, reaching for his heart with its ice-cold black fingers, getting closer and closer with every day, filling his soul with fear and horror.

Yes, the day of Dave’s next control was coming nearer and Martin was afraid from the results. He saw on Dave that he tried not to think too much about it, he tried to hide it behind his lively – and a bit lightheaded – nature. But the blonde man saw on him that he was scared too. Martin didn’t want to think about the “what ifs”. He would not be able to lose him… in every meaning. No, they belong together and they will always be like that. It doesn’t matter what may come.

Dave stepped into his dark room and was doing his circles restlessly. Martin can always make him angry – he had a talent in it. Or he just loved him too much. He slowed down his steps and looked at the dark and cloudy sky. It was about to rain. It was as if the heavens wanted reflect what he felt inside now. After a few days time he’ll come back to this city. He was never this afraid to return home.

 

\---

 

Next day the brown man woke up sleepily. His eyes had dark circles under them, because he couldn’t sleep too much. He saw strange dreams during the night and tossed and turned a lot. Once Jen told him that when he has nightmares, he usually moans plaintively. In these cases he always wakes up from his wife’s nice body heat as she nuzzles to him. Her closeness calms his ragged breathing quickly and can go back to sleep calmly. Now he hadn’t got this relief so his nightmares went on. He fumbled his way into the bathroom to look at his reflection in the mirror. The concerts and his illness have started showing on his body. He’s lost a lot of weight and he knew that he looked sick. It was normal during an exhausting tour, but he felt more uneasy than usual. He looked away from his unshaven face and stepped under the shower before going down into the hotel’s restaurant to have a nice breakfast.

His blonde mate had a hard night as well. He could fall asleep just at dawn – until that he was thinking about his fears and the things that had happened recently. And when he couldn’t bear it anymore, he grabbed a pen and a piece of paper and wrote out a part of his frustration in the form of some lyrics. After a few hours’ sleep he took a shower, dressed up and went down to have some breakfast as well – although he wasn’t too hungry. He didn’t want to be alone, cuz he was afraid that he’d go nuts from his own thoughts. Downstairs he’d spotted the singer immediately. He fumbled the food on his plate, so Martin headed towards him.

“Mornin’. Can I sit down?” he asked while he examined the unshaven and tired face.

Dave looked up with empty eyes “Sure” he answered and returned fumbling his food, sometimes bolting a bite.

Mart sat down next to him with a sigh as he noticed that Dave wasn’t eating properly – again.

“You here? Why? I thought you went home to Jen and the kids.”

“I couldn’t. Not after last night” he answered then sighed and put his fork down.

Mart just hemmed and nodded then started examining the menu, but at the end he just asked for a coffee. He wasn’t hungry anymore after looking at the tired singer.

“Won’t they be worried about you?”

“No. Jen knows that lately the concerts wear me out more. She knows that it can occur that I simply don’t have the power to go home.”

“I see…” he sipped from his coffee then he was just watching the dumpy singer for a few minutes.

Dave’s head was full of thoughts. He grew tired easily. If he stays ill and this goes on like this, the time will come when he won’t be able to do it. Then he’ll have to stop it?

Mart’s heart nearly broke, but he pulled himself together and noted carefully: “You should eat, Dave. Not just because of the concert tonight, but because of your meds too…”

Dave’s eyes flashed up at Martin like a blade “I know well what I have to do and what not! Don’t tell me, please! Nowadays suddenly everybody wants to play my mother! Everybody feels pity for me and is worried! I’m not a fucking dying old man yet! I don’t need your regret!” Dave snapped. His voice made some people at the nearby tables start. All the few people who were having breakfast looked at them with their mouth open.

“Dave, we don’t feel pity for you – we are worried about you, because we love you!” he said on a low tone after quickly looking around.

“I know, I know… I’m sorry…” he closed his eyes then looked at Martin’s face to examine it “I want you to come to my doctor with me” he spluttered, breaking the silence then he stared at his plate, as if he just wanted to take his last sentence back. What was he thinking? Of course Martin can’t go with him instead of Jen. He buried his face into his palms “I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’ve said this.”

This honest outbreak took Mart’s breath away then he cleared his throat.

“No problem, David. You know that if I was able, I’d hold your hand all along” he scanned the slightly flushed face. He knew that Dave needs support now. He didn’t want to push him further down into his black mood.

“I wish you could do it” he sighed, pulling away his hands from his face, but his eyes were still closed, as if he didn’t want to face reality. “I’m so scared…” he admitted, but his voice was so low that Mart had to lean closer to hear his words.

Mart wasn’t allowed to move closer to him, because they were in public, but his eyes filled up with more worry and pain. His look got darker as he reached out with his right hand to take Dave’s wrist into it. He paid attention not to let it seem to be too intimate, but like a friendly gesture. He knew that his mate will understand the comforting meaning of it.

“What if they found something and I have just a few years left?” Dave asked again, his voice shaking.

“Dave, no!” Mart didn’t want him to think too much about this.

“What if… it will be more quick than the doctors would think and I’ll waste away… wither… I’m loosing weight – too much weight. More than usual.” he looked into the green eyes and his own ones were filled with his innermost fears, which were hidden in his mind until now “Mart… what if I die?”

“DAVE!” Mart raised his voice a bit, but not loud enough to draw attentions on them again “You will NOT die! You’re strong! You want to live, don’t you? Then fight! You’ve lived through so many things! You’ll live this one through as well! Because you are The Cat, aren’t you?” he asked thinking back at Dave’s junky period, while he felt his heart beating in his chest so painfully, hearing this opportunity he feared the most.

“I don’t know, Mart… this is different. I can’t influence this. The cancerous cells eats up people, the treatment weakens the immune system, ruins the healthy cells too… I don’t want anybody to see me when I reach the point where I can’t stand up from the pain, when I’m noting more than skin and bones, a living skeleton with tight skin on it… I wouldn’t be able to bear the thought the kids, Jen or you seeing me like this… Maybe the cat had lost all his nine lives” he grabbed Mart’s hand on his own wrist “I’m afraid going out on stage. The pictures they take of the shows and me scares me. I don’t want the fans to see me ill, and I don’t want people to know about my incidental death from first hands. I don’t want you to live through this” his eyes softened as he looked at Martin.

Mart was sitting there speechless and he had to stop the tears in his eyes from falling. This whole thing was as painful to him as it was to Dave. He just wanted to get up and run away.

“I wish I could take your pain away…” he whispered hoarsely.

“No. You’ve suffered long enough because of me. I don’t want you to suffer more” Dave stated on such a determined tone as if only his words would be able to secure somewhere that Martin would not get hurt.

Curly, seeing Dave’s firmness, smiled faintly. “Then don’t let bad things happen.”

“I can’t stop bad things from happening. But I’d really do anything to protect you, but I can’t. I’m trying not to cause as much pain as I did until now. This is why I want to apologize for everything I’ve done to you. Until it’s not too late.”

“You should rather concentrate on getting well and EAT! I’m not that important now” he squeezed Dave’s wrist a bit “We’ll have time to tell our apologies to each other, don’t worry!”

Dave just smiled faintly then took his fork into his hand again. He started eating with maybe a little bit more enthusiasm. He felt a bit relieved that he could share his fears with Martin – but only one thing could have really helped to forget his fears: if they said the cancer was gone.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

Illustration by Useless-girl:

(Capri's version:  
<http://fc04.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2010/028/4/d/IDM_7__by_Mocarro.jpg> )

 

Dave was in the common room. He was already in his vest and black trousers, sitting in an armchair. His jacket was on the armrest, he put it there carefully as if it was a fragile living being. He was a blood perfectionist on stage. He was staring in front of him maybe a bit confused as he replayed the conversation from the morning. Although his distress didn’t go away, he knew that Martin was on his side no matter what may come, they’ll face it together. He wanted to live and be creative.

When Martin silently stepped into the room, he stopped at the door for a few moments and watched the singer lost in thoughts with a smile on his face. He seemed much more relaxed next to his usual stage-fright. Mart knew that they’ll give another great concert. He was hoping that the concerts will lift the singer’s mood, cuz he knew that Dave loved his audience and the music. He was living for it.

Mart looked around in the room. There was no one there except them. Christian just passed him with his cell by his ear, so he walked silently behind Dave’s armchair and put his hand onto his shoulder.

“Are you ready?”

Dave looked up at him and smiled.

“Yes.”

“It’ll be a great show” he returned the smile, caressing Dave’s face with the back of his hand then he put both of his hands onto the singer’s shoulders, giving him a nice massage. He felt it how tense he was under the surface.

Dave closed his eyes and enjoyed Martin’s moves then he gently took one of his hands and pulled it around him to give a soft kiss onto the skin of Mart’s forearm.

Curly laughed shortly then pulled his arm away, trying to wipe off the few glitters from Dave’s face.

“Be careful Dave, they’ll try to guess why you’re shining!” he looked deeply into the beautiful eyes, which were toned with some eye-liner.

“In the worst case I put some onto me as well. I like you a lot like this, you silver angel” he laughed.

Mart’s smile widened then he eyed his love “The feeling is mutual, my little beast…” he replied and knew that desire flickered in his eyes too.

It was a dangerous stimulus for Dave. He let his head fall back onto the headrest, reached up and grabbed Martin’s vest to pull the blonde man down to kiss him. Curly leant down to him without protesting, propping himself on the headrest and returned the hungry kiss. Dave moaned silently and the fingers of one of his hands disappeared in the blonde curls, grabbing them as he wanted more.

“Five minutes to stage! I go and search for those two jerks!” Martin suddenly heard Andy’s voice from the corridor, so he reluctantly broke the kiss. A little smile appeared on his face from the thought that they were lucky that nowadays he didn’t wear lipstick. It would have been a bit difficult to explain that. So he just ran his thumb on Dave’s slightly reddened lower lip then quickly straightened himself up, stepping to the nearby table to open a bottle of mineral water.

Dave sighed a wobbly one and before Fletch stepped into the room, he looked at Martin mesmerized.

“Now then! You’re here? Come on, let’s do this” he nodded towards the stage.

“We’re going” Mart said on a calm tone. Andy just nodded again and disappeared. Mart headed out of the room as well, with a little smile in the corner of his lips.

But Dave jumped up, caught up with him with one step and grabbed Mart’s forearm. He pulled Curly to him so that his body was pressed against Dave’s chest. The singer leant to his ear and puffed his hot breath into it “I’ll fuck you tonight without mercy.”

“Or I will!” came the reply immediately in between a moan and a sigh.

Dave just smiled and gently bit Mart’s ear then he let him go to step onto the stage.

His blonde mate still had a dark smile on his face when he took his place and the second evening had already started in the

MadisonSquareGarden. But this time the atmosphere was better than the previous night when he had been standing on this very stage. Dave went crazy. He forgot about every problem and played with the crowd happily, shaking his hips, singing, moving around and dancing. But his little game wasn’t only for the crowd. And Martin was absolutely clear with it and the way Dave was performing stunts didn’t leave him untouched. He realized time after time that he was following every move he made and when he sometimes came closer to him, or moaned into the mic, goose bumps covered his skin and his heart started beating faster. He felt Dave’s energy, which filled him up too. The crowed was screaming and singing in union as best as they could, but Martin barely saw them. When as a little relaxing episode his block came, he walked with his microphone into the middle of the stage and started his first solo, which was welcomed with a loud roar of the fans and “A question of lust” followed it. He gave all of his heart and soul into it, but he wasn’t really singing to the crowd, but to one certain man. He knew that he was watching from backstage, waiting for his turn with a black towel on his shoulder. Maybe he was even singing along the well-known lines.

It was true – Dave was standing in the shelter of the stage, melting into the darkness, like a hiding nocturnal beast. He was listening to Martin in silence – it was as if the blonde man was able to tear out his heart just with his voice. He felt the song so beautiful and true… Pain and indescribable beauty grabbed his soul in the same time as Mart let his wonderful voice out, nearly singing the stars down from the sky. Then and there Dave believed that he would be able to bring the silvery shining heavenly wonders down from the black velvet of the sky, where they were shining like many shattered diamonds – belonging to no one, spreading coldly their forever-like beauty to the world.

Martin barely moved during the song, he rather sang completely lost in it to perform it as perfectly as it was possible. He was standing there with closed eyes and felt like flying, that he was singing from the depths of his soul. Glimpsing down onto the first rows he saw many tear-stained faces and adoring looks, which made him smile a bit then he sank into his own world again. At the end of the song he said a “thank you” and got an enormous ovation from the true fans. This warmed his heart as he headed for the edge of the stage to pick up his guitar. Dave emerged from the darkness – so softly as if he was born from it. He walked towards Martin. He needed him. He stepped to him and using the darkness he tenderly took his face between his hands and leaned down to his lips to breathe a soft kiss onto them.

The whole thing lasted just for a few moments so Martin had no time to be surprised – Dave was already on his way to his micstand. Mart saw that he glimpsed back at him one more time, while he picked up his guitar, still under his spell, to return to his place. Now he simply couldn’t be mad at Dave because of this gesture. In turn the singer could not have been able to do a more clean-cut thing than this. If they were lucky, not much people had seen it. But now he didn’t care. He was in heaven.

Dave conducted the show easily, there was no cause for complaining. But he couldn’t get rid off that moment when Martin was singing out there. He went into his dressing room to have a shower still mesmerized.

 

\---

 

After maybe around two hours Martin couldn’t bear it anymore. He thought he’d waste away if he can’t touch the singer, if he can’t make him his immediately. He wanted him. He knocked on the door. Dave stood up and opened it. When he saw Martin, Curly looked at him as if he was able to touch him only with his gaze. The blonde man standing in the doorway didn’t say a word. With two strides he was inside, banged the door shut and already pressed the singer against the wall, pressing his lips against Dave’s for a bruising kiss.

Dave wouldn’t have been able to protest, this time he wasn’t able to force his brain to fight for the dominance. He was like a yielding, tame dog. He returned the kisses and was begging for more. And Mart gave him what he wanted… He nearly tore off the white T-shirt from Dave just to scratch the warm chest and tummy with his nails. The tortured one moaned and shook as his deep-green eyes met the others, while his hands rolled up the grey T-shirt just to feed his hungry senses more.

But Martin grabbed his wrists firmly and pinned them to the wall, showing him where his place was. To emphasize his will he gave him a dangerously dark look. Dave’s beast – who was able to grow into a dreadful, flesh-tearing monster with razor-sharp claws – surrendered herself to him. A painful light flickered in Dave’s eyes because Martin stinted him of the thing he wanted the most. But Martin didn’t show any mercy. Not yet… He grabbed Dave’s jaw and pushed his head backwards so he could lick along his throat and Adam’s apple painfully slowly, while his fingertips were dancing around on of his nipples. Dave moaned towards the ceiling on his low baritone and squeezed his eyes shut in his “pain”. His mate hungrily licked his own lips, watching the crazily throbbing vein on Dave’s neck. It nearly allured him. It draw him on like a magnet so he quickly leant closer and deeply inhaled the scent of his skin, taking a bit of it into his mouth and he slowly intensified the force of his bite. His fingers started squeezing and pulling the small and hard nipple. Dave moaned out in pain, but he enjoyed it. With his free hand he dug into the blonde curls again. But Mart pulled away his head with a disapproving look. His green eyes glinted coldly and hardly from this disobedience. He took a step backwards so their bodies didn’t touch anymore and he ran his hand on the front of his own trousers, eying his lover darkly. He moaned silently when he grabbed himself through the already painfully tight jeans. Dave was disappointed as he watched the blonde man stepping away from him and he tried to find something which could gain his forgiveness.

Martin’s lips curled upwards watching his mate suffering. After he got fed up with the sight of the disturbed expression, he grabbed Dave’s shoulder with his right hand and forced him down onto his knees in front of him. When their eyes met, he looked down at him expectantly. Dave had to see just this – he immediately obeyed and did what he had to do. He undid the belt and unbuttoned the trousers, pulling it down with the underpants. Then he took the adored and rock-hard member into his hand just to quickly “swallow” it. In his pleasure Martin threw his head backwards – his mouth slightly open – and a suppressed moan escaped his throat. He quickly got rid off his T-shirt then looked down at his lover. He loved watching and feeling as his cock disappears again and again between those full lips. To heighten his pleasures he grabbed Dave’s nape to show him the right rhythm he wanted. Dave obeyed and quickened his pace. He felt Martin touching his throat, but he didn’t care, he was just giving him pleasure as passionately as he could.

Martin above him was moaning more and more and soon he couldn’t take it anymore.

“Enough!” he grunted and pulled out his glistening, rock-hard member from Dave’s mouth, pushing him backwards a bit “On the bed!” he barked.

But Dave didn’t move immediately. He gave something to his own selfish needs too with just looking upwards at his ruler for a little while longer.

Curly saw on him that he was trying his boundaries, but now he wasn’t in the mood to allow it “Now!” he said on a dangerously low tone.

Dave thought it was better to obey so he stood up, walked to the bed then sank down onto the sheet.

“Take off your pants and underwear!” the next order came as Mart was watching his lover standing at the foot of the bed. He even pumped himself a few times from the sight.

Dave did what he was told again. He wanted to ask, but he knew if he did, Mart’d have been able to leave him there just to punish him. Curly smiled from his obedience then leant forward. First he just ran his hand down on the naked chest until he reached Dave’s thighs, but during repeating it he used his nails too. His eyes wandered from Dave’s hardness to his face. Mart felt the muscles rippling under his touch. The singer hissed from his pleasure and begged with his lustful gaze not to torture him.

“On all fours!” Mart straightened up.

Dave propped himself on his shaking hands. He was seriously afraid that they won’t be able to endure his weight. Mart smiled as he grabbed the nice butt then moistened the right place. But he didn’t penetrate him yet. He wanted Dave to suffer and enjoy what he was giving to him at the same time. He teased him with the tip of his cock, while he propped himself on one hand as he leant forward and without any warning he bit hard into the tattooed back. Dave yelled out from the pain, but it ended in a lustful moan. He started panting as his desires started to grow even more.

Mart was moving downwards with his bites until he reached the sensitive waist. He was listening to Dave’s joyful moans with delight and now he had a hard time controlling himself too. When his journey has ended, he licked along Dave’s spine and panted into his ear “Well, do you want it?” he asked, teasing him with his cock again.

“Yes!” Dave moaned “Please! I’ll do anything just… just do it!”

Martin growled contentedly and stroked along the red back as he straightened up. He kneeled behind him and positioned himself. Dave’s whole body was shaking for Martin – he thought that maybe his love was just playing with him and he won’t penetrate him after all. Then he yelled out in surprise when Mart pushed his cock into him and started fucking him hard right away. He wasn’t prepared for this!

The blonde man grabbed Dave’s waist hard to steady him during his hard pushes. He was panting loudly and a few times growled like an animal from the pleasure he felt. Dave was suffering and enjoying it at the same time. The pain he felt from the hard pushes filled him with pleasure. His mate – despite paying attention on Dave – was chasing his own enjoyment. He felt that he was quickly rushing towards sweet oblivion, because he had been waiting for this since the start of the concert. The whole show was the foreplay, he thought. In his mind he saw his lover shaking his ass on stage and he growled from this picture again. He leant forward and while circling his hips he kissed Dave’s shoulder.

Dave moaned again from this sweet duality. Among other things he loved this in Martin as well. It didn’t matter that usually Curly was withdrawn and distant… he had his own beast too, which was able to master Dave’s. Maybe he was the only one who was able to do it.

“Dave… I’m almost…” he panted onto the sweaty skin then without thinking he reached forward. He wanted to feel his lover’s excitement in his hand.

From this Dave totally lost his mind as he cried out loud. He was waiting for this! Waiting for Mart to pay more attention on him. It felt as if there was no room for more blood in his throbbing member.

“I want you to cum! Now!” he growled into Dave’s ear, pushing and pumping him hard.

He didn’t have to say this twice – this was enough for Dave to explode, moaning out loud. Mart cried out from the feeling as his lover’s body was jerking under him and after the next deep thrust he threw his head back and yelled out.

Feeling Martin’s exploding joy Dave had to moan again then he was able only to listen to their heavy breathing and heartbeats, ignoring his shaking arms. Meanwhile he was praying silently that no one had been around the room, because he was sure that their screams and moans were clearly audible even at the end of the corridor.

With his trembling hands Martin climbed off Dave and had just enough strength to collapse onto the soft pillows, next to the man who was lying on his tummy. Curly’s chest was moving up and down in a quick pace as he tried to get some air into his lungs. Dave turned his head towards his torturer. He smiled and slid his hand onto the panting chest. Mart returned the smile faintly and turned his face towards Dave as well, stroking the venous hand on his chest. Even the rest of the smeared eye-liner warmed his heart as he looked at Dave.

“I hope no one was around… I mean outside. It’d be difficult to explain our yells and growls” Dave said hoarsely with a smile.

“To be honest I don’t give a fuck” he caressed the stubbly face with the back of his hand.

Dave forced himself closer to Martin “You did me unmercifully” he smiled.

“Are you complaining?” he stroked along the arm resting on his chest.

“No, not at all!” he protested “It was very good” he leant closer to look into Curly’s eyes, which were glistening from the strong will just a few minutes ago “You dominant dirty old man.”

“You love it when I’m like this, don’t you?” he returned the look with his own contented one.

“I love you in every way” he whispered then laid back, close to his lover.

Mart had a little smile on his face as he ran his thumb along Dave’s lower lip then lifted his head a bit to give a soft kiss onto it. Then he was just watching Dave’s glistening eyes. He loved him the best like this.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

  


 

Dave crossed the hotel’s lobby, walking towards the elevators. He was in a good mood, holding a big yellow envelope in his hand. There was a huge smile on his face and was shining from happiness. The medical records came back with the results. He couldn’t wait for them in

New York. He couldn’t wait to show them to Martin and celebrate. As he stepped out of the lift, he turned to the right on the corridor, quickly heading towards his blonde mate’s room. He imagined what kind of face Mart will make when he tells him and from this thought his smile got even wider as he looked into the papers. But when he looked up, he froze. There was someone standing in front of his room.

“Jen?” Dave asked and his smile faded away and was replaced by the shock. He wasn’t counting on his wife’s visit.

“Hi” she turned to him “Aren’t you happy to see me?”

“I am, it was just a surprise that you came! But I’m happy you’re here!” he smiled, but he lowered his hand with the papers. Somehow they had lost from their importance now.

Jen just smiled and reached out for Dave with one of her hands, pulling him close to a greeting-kiss. Her husband granted her wish, but when she hugged him, he saw over Jen’s shoulder as Mart stepped out of his room. The blonde man was about to ask if Dave was back, but when he spotted the hugging couple, his mood darkened a bit and retreated, although he would have been curious to know Dave’s results. He guessed that they were in that envelope the singer was holding in one hand. But instead of walking there to greet Jen – who hasn’t spotted him yet – he turned around and headed for the stairs.

Dave watched as Mart disappeared with sad eyes then felt Jen pulling away a bit to look him in the eye. He already had a smile on his face when they made eye-contact and stepped into his room chatting.

“The results?” she glimpsed at the big envelope while putting down her bag filled with clothes for a few days.

“Yep, they are. Do you want to see them?” he asked with a sly smile.

“No, thanks, I know its contents… Or…” her eyes grew darker a bit as a dirty smile appeared on her face “… do you want me to check something else?” she slid her finger under her husband’s belt to pull him closer by that.

“What do you want to take care of?” he asked innocently.

“I was thinking of checking myself if everything’s fine down there…” she let her gaze run down on Dave’s body while her hand gently stroked along the front of his trousers.

“Just to be sure that the docs made no mistake?” he dug into her hair.

“No, no, I’m just checking whether they have examined you… properly…” she loosened her husband’s belt and pulled down the zipper just to sink her hand into his jeans.

Dave moaned and was already pushing Jen down onto the floor – just like Martin did with him not so long ago. Jen let him do this and reached for Dave’s lips while she squeezed the awakening hardness.

Meanwhile Martin tried not to think about Dave and what they could do in that moment. He didn’t know how to distract his mind, but the solution came in the form of Andy’s invite for some table football. While he concentrates on the ball, he can suppress his thoughts. Although the unpleasant feeling in his chest won’t go away.

 

\---

 

After a few hours Dave stepped out of his room to search for the guys, cuz he wanted to tell them what the records showed. He hoped that Martin will be there too, although he was afraid looking him in the eye. It didn’t matter that Jen’s visit was unexpected, he still felt himself guilty. He knew that for Mart’s greatest pleasure Andy drags along a table football with him on the tour and he holds the house matches in his room in the afternoons. So he headed for the third member’s room. The laughter and chatting was audible even from the corridor.

“Oh come on, Mart! Give us a little chance!” Andy cried out, adjusting his glasses on his nose, mourning because of the scored goal.

“First you should learn how to play this properly” the blonde man grinned contentedly and the next ball was already on the table.

From this Dave realized that it was useless knocking on the door, so he simply walked into the room “Hey, notice me too!” he laughed.

“Hey, Dave! Come here! Help us out against Mart! He doesn’t let us play!” Andy said, hope flickering his eyes.

“But you know, that we are a too good match with Martin, right?”

“This is why I’ve said to help against him!” he pushed Christian away a bit. Until now they tried to distract Martin’s attention together.

Curly just smiled from Dave’s sentence.

“Okay, although I didn’t come to play.”

“Then why are you here?” Martin asked quietly.

“I’ve got the medical results. I was about to go and tell them when I bumped into Jen. I didn’t know she was coming” he glimpsed up from the table football to look at Martin for a few seconds then he focused on the ball again.

The blonde man didn’t say a word just examined Dave’s face.

“AND??? What do the results say?” Christian asked curiously, although he suspected that it can’t be that bad if Dave has such a good mood.

“They’ve found nothing. But of course I’ll have to go to controls for a long while, but now everything seems to be fine” he smiled.

“This is great!!!” Andy cried out and Chris joined him, patting Dave’s shoulder.

“I’m glad too” Martin looked at the singer, but stayed at his place. Just his piercing eyes gave a hint from his feelings.

“Thanks guys” Dave laughed too “And now I’ll kick your butts…” he announced with a wide grin and leant over the table again.

 

\---

 

A few days have passed and meanwhile they did some gigs too. Jennifer was still with the boys, which limited Martin’s chances. He had to content himself with those few glimpses and touches from Dave and this frustrated him a bit. But he didn’t want to complicate things even more so he tried to busy himself with other things. Now he was trying to tidy up his travelling case, because when he opened it on the actual location of the next concert, everything wanted to fall out of it. He cursed that member of the crew under his nose who put his case into the dressing room in not in a too professional way.

The door opened and a tall, slim figure stepped in.

“Mart?” he asked on his low tone “What’re you doing?”

“Some bastard knocked over my case and now everything’s a big mess in it. I’m trying to tidy it up a bit” he grumbled sitting on the floor.

Dave sighed with a smile and sat down next to him “Wait, I’ll help.”

“Thanks” Mart whispered, putting some make-up stuff out of the way.

Dave’s long fingers picked up Martin’s stuff quickly. This was the closest contact with Blondie since a few days’ time, but he worked quietly. What could he say him? Should he start to explain the situation why Jen was here with them? After all she’s his wife, she can visit him whenever she wants… Yes, he missed Martin, the nights they’ve spent together, the scent of his skin and his touches…

Martin didn’t want to go into chit-chatting with the singer. Usually he hated that anyway. He rather kneeled up to hang his vest into the chest.

“I miss you” Dave said quietly. Maybe he couldn’t believe either that he said it out loud.

Martin froze kneeling there then lowered his hand, still focusing on his clothes, but not seeing them. He swallowed hard. Dave was just looking at him without a word – he wasn’t able to say anything else. Martin slowly sat back onto his heels then looked at Dave, caressing his stubbly face with one hand.

“I miss you too.”

David closed his eyes and enjoyed his mate’s touch, putting his hand onto Mart’s. The blonde man just sank into the longing gaze and ran his thumb on the full lower lip. Dave couldn’t take it anymore – he slid closer to him and kissed him fiercely as if they had just minutes back from their lives and he was waiting for death like this. Martin moaned into the long awaited kiss. He let Dave’s arms sneak around his body, nearly pressing the air out of him with the tight hug. He returned the kisses readily, getting lost in them nearly completely. But it wasn’t enough for Dave. One of his hands was already under Mart’s T-shirt, while the other wandered lower to discover other areas too. It didn’t matter how much he hated to stop him, but Mart grabbed Dave’s wrist and with his other hand he pulled him away a bit to part their lips. He put his forehead to Dave’s.

“No, Dave. We can’t do it now” he whispered.

“Please!” Dave begged. His whole body was shaking from the burning desire.

Mart sighed bitterly and closed his eyes while he pulled away a little.

“We can’t…” his voice failed him.

“You can’t do this to me” he looked into the green eyes. He nearly felt physical pain from Martin not letting him close to him.

“I don’t want it, but I have to. Anyone can come in” he shook his head a bit, resting his hands on his lap, not to encourage Dave accidentally.

“You’re like this because of Jen, right?”

Mart just shrugged and turned away to replace a make-up jar.

“Please, don’t turn away from me” Dave slid closer to him “Tell me what bothers you.”

“How long will she stay with us?” he avoided giving an answer.

“For a few more days. But Mart, she’s my wife. And I know what you feel. You had a wife too.”

“I just… I don’t know. I’m an idiot.”

Dave looked questioningly at Martin.

“Nothing. Let it pass” he waved with his hand and turned back to his case to line-up his shoes.

But Dave reached under Mart’s chin and turned his head back “Please…” he said nearly begging.

But in that moment there was a knock on the door.

“Martin, Martin are you there?” they heard the always discreet John’s voice.

The blonde man pulled away, stood up and grabbed one of his suits to hang it into his case while he said: “Yes, come in!”

“Hi. I’m sorry for interrupting you, but Mart I need you for a little while. There’s something mixed up around your guitars.”

“Great! That puts the lid on it. Isn’t it enough that my case is a mess, now the guitars too…” he grunted “Alright, I’m going.”

Dave was still sitting on the floor, Mart’s stuff surrounding him, and suddenly he felt very lost. His blonde mate turned back and looked down at him, feeling his heart sank from the sight.

“I’m sorry…” he whispered then hurried after John. It didn’t matter where, he just wanted to get out of there.

But Martin couldn’t make good things with just this, he couldn’t heal Dave’s new bruises with it. The singer was just sitting there alone, hugging his knees tightly.

 

\---

 

“Dave! Finally! I was worried about you” Jen looked up from the screenplay she was reading and spotted her husband’s bad mood immediately “What’d happened?”

“Nothing…” he said quietly, but his faraway look said something else.

“Sweetie…” she stood up and hurried to him to make him sit down onto the bed. She did the same next to him “I know you. I can tell that something bothers you…”

But the man pushed away Jen’s helping hand and turned away from her “Please… leave me alone…”

Jen didn’t get sore, she knew when she had to step back. Yet she didn’t know what her husband’s problem was, but knew that sooner or later he’ll tell her anyway. When he’ll be ready for it. Or at least he’ll share the problem with her by and large.

“I’m sorry…” his voice softened “It’s just that… you know, I’ve got across with Martin.”

For a moment Jen froze then sighed quietly.

“I see” she nodded “You know that everything’ll be fine. You’ll make peace as always” she said on a comforting tone “Hey, come here!” she asked him quietly, embracing her husband’s shoulder and pulling his head onto her chest.

Dave was clinging to her as if she was the only person who could save him from eternal loneliness. Maybe it was true. Martin didn’t care when he pushed Dave into the arms of the drugs… Jen was the one who brought him back, but he still depends on Mart. Jen was stroking Dave’s hair and nape reassuringly. She didn’t like to see him like this, but during the years she learned how to handle it. Her bad feeling has returned. For a while she was struggling with some thoughts about her husband, but she tried to accept it and not tamper whit it. She’ll see how quickly Dave’ll pull himself together.

“I love you, honey” she whispered, giving a kiss onto his hair.

“I love you too” he muttered.

 

\---

 

Jen was watching her husband for days, but his state didn’t get better. She was getting angrier at the blonde man with every passing day. Dave turned into himself. Jen was scared that his depression will return so she decided to do something against it. When Dave voted for an afternoon nap, because he felt himself tired and dumpy, she waited until he fell asleep and quietly left their room to head for Martin’s door.

Martin looked up from the sound of knocking and stood up to open the door. He was hoping that it was Dave, who clearly closed himself, but when he opened the door he faced Jen. He hid his surprise then he started worrying that something has happened to Dave.

“Jen! What’d happened? Is something wrong?”

“Yes, you!” she poked his chest with her index-finger and stepped into the room next to him.

Mart didn’t protest against Jen walking arbitrarily into his room, just closed the door with round eyes and looked at the woman.

“What’s your problem with me?”

“What’s my problem?! Did you see David in the last few days? That’s my problem!” she turned to face him and the flames of anger were clearly visible in her eyes as she tried to protect her husband like a tiger.

“Why do you think that I have something to do with your adored husband’s state?” he switched into a cold tone.

“Because he’d told me that you had a fight and he’s this depressed since then!”

“We had a fight? Do you think we had a quarrel?”

“Martin, you always have a quarrel then you make peace and fight again! Don’t think that I’m a fool!”

“I don’t think you are, because obviously you know everything what’s going on here!” he answered nervously and there was a lot of sarcasm in his voice.

“Do you think I’m blind, Martin?! Do you think I don’t see what’s going on between you two?!” she broke out, rising her tone.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about” he said, but inside he was frightened.

“Really?! I saw you two! I saw the gestures! For God’s sake, Mart, I saw that kiss in New York! You’re lovers, aren’t you?” she turned down her voice at the end.

Suddenly Martin couldn’t react. That cold feeling in his stomach broke free and grabbed his heart with its icy fingers.

“If I’m right you are since long years… I should have fronted him or you with this for a long while, but I thought that until this relationship does good to David, I won’t interfere. I saw that your relationship or whatever it is between you two, helps him to survive the hard times, that it helps him to stay clean… This is why I didn’t say a word. I wanted him to be happy.”

“And what do you want to do now?”

“Now the situation is the following: I can’t stand watching him distress himself. So if you love him, you’ll lift your butt and go to him to apologize! I don’t care how just make things right! What kind of friend are you Martin? Cranking up in his instable state of mind because of his illness?”

“I wasn’t the one who cranked up! It was you!” he fought back.

Jennifer stared at him shocked “Me?”

“Yes, you! You have no idea what’s really going on! You just hope and use me for keep Dave on the same level, but you know nothing about what’s between us! I saw the pain and hesitating in his eyes when you appeared – and moreover I see it since then too. He tried to protect you but he needs me too. The longer you stay here, the deeper he’ll sink into his darkness!”

She was able only to gawp for a few seconds then anger flickered in her eyes again.

“So it’s my fault that Dave’s in such a mood?! Martin, I AM his wife, he lives with ME and not with you! Primarily he has to belong to me.”

“He has to? He HAS to?! You can’t prescribe to him where he has to belong!”

“You know how I meant it!” she huffed “I always accepted his independence and his need to be free” here she calmed down a bit with a long sigh and went on with a much softer tone “I just want him to be happy. I’m worried about him. I’m worried that this relationship’ll kill him. And this is why I want you two to end this.”

“To end it? Do you have any idea how long this has been going on? Or what this means to him or to me?”

“No, Martin. I have just suspicions, because you’ve left me out of this completely” she frowned a bit angrily as she folded her arms in front of her chest.

“It wasn’t a coincidence” he grunted “Our relationship has lived through many things. It has started a very long time ago and helped us through very hard times. You have no right to simply tear it apart and you wouldn’t be able to do that anyway.”

For at least two minutes she was just watching the angry man with his cold look, digesting the things she just heard. Then she sighed “Alright Mart, I have no energy for this now…” another sigh “I don’t care how, but pull him out of this state, cuz I can’t bear to see him like this…” she turned her voice down again at the end and simply walked out of the room.

Martin just blinked after the woman, still surprised. She not just haven’t demanded them to break up immediately, but gave him a task? How dare she?! Knowing that she knows about them shocked and angered him. Because she just exploited him to keep Dave stable! He was walking around nervously in the room, shaking from anger. He hated when someone used him, this is why it was hard for him to open up and Jen did this with the most sacred thing to him. But it didn’t matter how angry he was, he couldn’t tell this to Dave. He couldn’t push his mate into doubts – the singer wouldn’t be able to bear it, he’d dissolve in it. Mart doesn’t want to force him to choose. Dave was happy that this marriage of his was working – he wouldn’t have been able to bear another divorce… and Mart wouldn’t be able to see him suffer either. Sometimes he wondered how complicated emotions can turn people’s lives – sometimes generating even more problems. He just wanted to love Dave. Theoretically love should be an uplifting feeling, right? But despite this, for Martin it seemed that after all it counted whom and how you love someone…


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

  


 

He sighed a big one and shook his head. He should focus on one problem at a time and it was Dave now. He wanted to help him. He wanted to make up for the mistakes he made again. He hoped that Jen won’t be around when he talks to Dave. In any case he knocked carefully on the singer’s door. After a few moments the woman opened the door and her face didn’t lit up too much when he spotted Martin.

“What do you want?” she asked on a neutral tone.

“Doing-up for my mistakes. Is he here?"

“In the bedroom. Sleeping. Do you want me to…”

“No, I’d rather do it myself, if you don’t mind."

Jen forced calmness on herself and sighed “Alright then I go now to take a walk or to watch a movie. Ring me when I can come back. Okay?”

“Okay. Thanks.”

She just nodded, picked up her purse and walked out, leaving Mart in the silent suite. He sighed too then quietly headed for the bedroom. When he opened the door he spotted the exhausted singer lying on his side. The blanket was up to his chin as he was sleeping, legs pulled up to his chest. Mart’s heart sank from the sight. He seemed so innocent, but worn out too. He couldn’t stop himself – he kicked off his shoes and carefully lifted the blanket to lie onto his side, facing Dave. He just watched him sleeping and let his senses fill up with his presence. After a few minutes he lifted his hand and caressed Dave’s forehead – smoothing out those few wrinkles which appeared there during his sleep – then he just went on watching him, stroking his forehead and his slightly messy hair.

Dave purred on his dreamy voice then moved closer to the caressing hand. Slowly he opened his heavy eye-lids so his dimly shining green irises could focus on the one who was pampering him. Martin returned the look carefully – slightly worrying about Dave’s reaction – but his fingers didn’t stop, they went on caressing the slowly awakening man next to him.

Slowly Dave’s mind started to work and connected the face to the name “Mart?” he murmured on his fresh-awaken voice, which was much deeper than usual.

“Yes, me” a little smile spread on his face “Who else’d slid into your bed and wake you like this?” he rather asked himself.

“What’re ya doing here? Where’s Jen? I hope she didn’t see you?!” Dave said while he sat up still sleepily. There was worry in his voice, but it was meant mainly for Martin, because he was thinking about what his wife would say if she saw them like this.

“Jen went to watch some movie” he pulled his hand back seeing and misunderstanding Dave’s reaction. It hurt that he pulled away, but he didn’t show it. Only his eyes grew darker a bit.

Dave sat up properly while he looked at Mart with a clearer mind “I see. And… what do you want?” he asked a bit colder than he meant to. He couldn’t forgive Martin for leaving him there on the dressing room’s floor, in the middle of such a big emotional labour. He had felt himself like a lost child. He had been sitting there for a long while, waiting the blonde man to return to him, but as time passed by, he realized that it was useless.

His mate sat up on the bed and leant to the headboard with his back, staring at his own covered legs. He tried to hide that the singer’s tone hurt him. He swallowed then said quietly:

“I wanted to apologize for simply leaving you there a few days ago. I’ve lost control of the situation. Please, don’t be mad at me…”

“But you were able to do this to me… Do you know how much it hurt?” he whispered quietly “I was waiting for you to come back. I was waiting… but you never showed up…”

“I know…” he bent his head down and with his fingers he played with the cover.

“Sometimes I wonder how you are able to do such things to me… How can be there this much passion and cruel coldness in you at the same time?”

“If you want to call me names, just do it” he said on a sad and low tone “But if you want me to go, just tell me” he slid to the edge of the bed, showing his back to Dave, ready to stand up at his request and leave.

“I don’t want you to go” Dave confessed.

“And I don’t want to go” he stared out of the window. For a minute the silence of the room was broken just by the ticking of the clock on the wall. Martin had the feeling that they froze into that moment as he was sitting on the edge of the bed while Dave was watching him on the other side, behind his back.

“Why didn’t you come back?”

“Because I had no idea what to say.”

“There was no need for you to say a word! I just needed you to be with me! I don’t need more. I need you” his voice nearly failed him at the end.

Mart propped himself on one hand and turned back halfway to look Dave in the eye while answering him.

“I need you too, but you know this.”

“Then why are you doing this to me?” the disheveled singer asked.

“Because I don’t know what I should do” he bent down his head again “In one moment I didn’t care about anything just the feelings I have for you, the thing we have, but in the next one… I get unsure, asking myself whether this whole thing does any good for us. Wasn’t it a mistake to let our friendship grow into something more?” he lowered his tone at the end.

“You think that it was a mistake?” Dave asked shocked. He felt as if someone was choking him.

“No. I don’t know. I’m confused! In one moment I say it wasn’t, but in the next one I’d say yes. I can’t decide. I’m scared and I don’t want you to get hurt from this relationship. You shouldn’t fuck up this marriage as well…” he whispered the last sentence barely audible.

“My marriage is my business, you can leave it to me.”

“I know. Sorry.”

“And you came here despite these thoughts to make peace with me?”

“This was the plan, yes…”

“I don’t understand you” Dave shook his head “You’d throw out our 21-years-long relationship only because suddenly you’ve started thinking about the state of my marriage. See? I’ve meant exactly this when I’ve told you that you’re passionate and cruel at the same time.”

“If it helps, I don’t understand myself either” he shrugged with a bitter smile “But I know one thing… that… that I love you” he faltered out “And I don’t want to see you suffer” he looked up with his big green eyes, nearly shyly.

Dave’s heart jumped from this sentence and it unwillingly made him forget all the pain Martin had caused him. He moved towards the blonde man and embraced him to pull him closer.

“I love you too” he whispered into Mart’s ear in the tight hug.

His mate’s whole body shivered as Dave’s familiar scent reached his nose and felt his arms sneaking around him. Slowly he embraced him as well and enjoyed being near to the singer with closed eyes. It was unbelievable that they had to be apart for just a few days to start missing him this badly!

“I don’t want you to be depressed because of me” he said hoarsely, still holding him tightly as he buried his face into Dave’s neck.

“Then don’t hurt me” Dave asked.

“Not even when you ask for it?” he giggled into the fragrant neck. It wasn’t like him.

“That’s something else” Dave laughed too “But don’t push me away… Don’t close yourself in. Because that hurts like hell.”

“I’ll try, okay?” he pulled back a bit so he could look into Dave’s eyes and take his tired face into his hands “And you pull yourself together, sweetie” he asked nearly tenderly “I don’t like it when you let yourself go like this.”

Dave just nodded then sank into the green look – he could never get enough of it. He couldn’t stop himself and moved forward to kiss him tenderly. His blonde mate returned it without hesitation. Mart always loved the first kiss after making peace. It still contained the rest of the conflict’s tension, but it was already nearly totally suppressed by love and forgiveness, sweetening the meeting of the lips.

Dave drank the kisses greedily. He felt relieved that Martin came to him and everything was alright between them again. Of course there were some smaller problems, but every relationship has such things.

“I’ve missed you” Martin breathed between two kisses. He was happy that it seemed Dave forgave him. Again. He would not been able to count how many times he did so.

“I’ve missed you too” Dave smiled from the thought that Martin was there between his arms and those times were over when he caused pain to him. Although he was sure that it wasn’t the last time – no matter how hard he begged for the blonde man not to do so – it was in Martin’s nature. But Dave loved him too much, he depended on him too much to leave him because of this.

 

\---

 

After a few days - when Jen saw that her husband looked much better – she went home to New York. She had a little unpleasant feeling when they’ve parted, but she haven’t mentioned what she knew now – and according to Dave’s behaviour Martin didn’t say a word about her knowing it. Somewhere she was glad for this. She needed time to get used to the thought that what she just suspected was real. She hadn’t asked Mart later to tell them since when this was going on between them. She wasn’t prepared for this. And when that time will come, she wants to hear it from David, not from the blonde man. Nonetheless she didn’t think about herself as a prude woman, for now she didn’t want to think deeply of what they can do with each other during the tour. But at least she was glad that Dave wasn’t after some other women if he was near Mart. She tired to warm herself with this and return to her everyday life. She won’t see them for a while anyway.

 

\---

 

The South-American and the second leg of the European tour went on smoothly. They gave a lot of shows, leaving thousands of satisfied fans behind. Time after time they had a longer break to be with their families and to relax and refill themselves with energy in their homes. Dave was too happy to notice that Jen was thinking about something very hard, and he had to go to controls at the hospital, so he was distracted by those too. Anyway Jen was very skilled in hiding her problems, if she wanted – despite that their relationship was built on honesty. But the singer was happy that they got along with Martin very well during the tour. Of course they had some quarrels – as always – but still it seemed that they’ve started to get over the pains of the past and they’ve began to open up towards each other again.

 

\---

 

Christmas and New Year’s Eve have passed quickly and January came, which meant that the band had to return to the constantly wandering tour. Dave was happy with his family, but he was glad to see his friends again as well, making thousands of people happy. And at last but not least it meant being with Martin too. He’s missed him during the break. Their first concert in January was in

Berlin then they moved along to Budapest, where they’ll have two free days to rest.

After the catastrophic weather and snow storms in Germany they’ve arrived without any problems to the Hungarian capital city which they liked very much. Mart saw on Dave that he was happy and exhausted at the same time after the concert in Berlin. He didn’t really let Dave do anything else than resting, cuz he was still worried about him. He wanted this tour to end so that the singer could rest and regain his strength. They needed a great physical stamina during such tours. Especially when we were talking about someone who always tried to give in 110% into his performance on stage, jumping around during the whole show.

This was the second time for them in Hungary during the actual tour and now they’ll perform in the much smaller László Papp Sports Arena. For Dave these closed, smaller arenas were like ‘clubs’, but maybe this is why the atmosphere will be hotter than last year. He remembered that they had a quite bad weather last summer – the fans got soaking wet from the rain and the crew was worried not to experience again what they’ve lived through in Bratislava where the electronic stuffs got wet from the rain. But there was no problem with the Hungarian fans, they did their best and it didn’t matter that some of the songs ended up quite funny…

Their first destination was the hotel, because of staying there for an extra two days. After escaping the press at the airport they put their bags down in their rooms. They’ll have a few hours to rest, eat and maybe give some interviews at the hotel then they’ll go to the arena to make the rehearsal and change their outfits. The time was flying by, but Dave didn’t mind it – he awaited this concert, he was curious about the Hungarian audience. They have been here lots of times and it was always full-house with an amazing atmosphere.

 

\----

Dave was standing outside on his balcony in the cold wind, wearing a thick garbo and watched the few DM fans down on the street. There weren’t many of them – the majority were probably already at the arena, waiting for the opening of the gates. He smiled faintly as he was watching the medium-sized figures from above.

“What’s so funny?” Mart stepped next to him in two thick pullovers and a jacket.

“I often wonder about how much humans can bear and how crazy they can go. But it feels good.”

“You mean the fans freezing down there?” he bent a bit closer so he could peek out too, but he was careful not to let them notice him. Dave didn’t turn up the light with a reason: this way he remained invisible in the dark when he came out for some fresh air.

“Yes. They even give up the good positions in the arena to be here.”

“They love us, don’t they?” he straightened up then turned his head towards Dave who was deep in his thoughts, still scanning the street. He loved his profile.

“I think so” he went silent for a little while “Full-house again.”

“Here? Always” Mart nodded again and ran his eyes on the slim teenage-like body.

Dave smiled and looked at Martin. He saw the orange light of the lamps glint in the green eyes. For a minute they were just watching each other. Mart loved these moments too and tried to save them into the depths of his mind.

“Come in, you’ll catch a cold” he asked quietly as he reached for the singer’s cold hand and started pulling him into the dark room.

“I can bear the cold better than you. What’d you do in

England?” Dave laughed and followed Martin.

“Probably I’d freeze” he laughed shortly “But don’t say that it’s not cold here!” he glimpsed up at him, but did not stop until he pulled Dave into the warm room, waving with his eyes for him to close the door. Dave obeyed again then leant against the cold glass-door.

“You didn’t answer” the blonde man noted still standing next to the couch in the dark. In front of the city-lights Dave looked just like a dark shadow, its outlines lit and embraced by the orange dawning of the lamps.

“It’s not that cold. In NYC it’s always colder” he shrugged.

“Hmm…” Mart hummed. His true purpose was to keep the conversation going to distract himself from what he really wanted to do. He wanted to touch Dave so he could warm him up, but he was afraid that one touch on the warm skin and he won’t be able to stop himself from wanting more and more.

Dave didn’t move just watched his blonde mate quietly. The darkness hid his little smile.

“Maybe it’d be better for me to…” Mart said a bit hoarsely, but instead of leaving the singer behind or walking to him, he went to the couch and sat down on it. He pulled down the zipper of his jacket and stared in front of him, trying to fight with his desire.

“To what?” Dave slightly bent forward.

“… to leave” he said nearly on a questioning tone, but he wouldn’t have been able to bear it without Dave’s presence. He could feel it even from the other side of the room, not seeing him at all.

“I don’t want you to go” the singer stated.

His lover didn’t answer just exhaled slowly and closed his eyes as he bent his head back onto the headrest.

Dave stepped away from the glass, which got warm from his body and walked behind Martin to run his fingers in his curls. The other man nearly purred from the feeling. Dave slowly bent down to touch the neck’s soft skin with his lips. The pampered one sighed from this and reached up with one of his hands to dig into Dave’s hair. The singer sank his teeth slowly into the skin.

His mate moaned and after a hoarse snuffle he noted: “I like your pointy little teeth…”

“Yes I know, they’re sharp…” he murmured into Martin’s neck.

“They are” he gently grabbed Dave’s hair, pulling it more “Come, sit on my lap!” he said and his sentence seemed more like an order. And Dave obeyed. Soon he was looking straight into the green eyes.

Mart ran his hand contentedly on Dave’s long thighs, resting his eyes on his lover’s groin for a while. He loved feeling Dave’s weight on top of him. But he loved him obeying him even more. He was his little puppy. His look started slowly climbing upwards on the upper body in front of him, which was still covered with the black garbo. He was satisfied to see even in the half-light how fast Dave’s pulse was on his neck. Then his eyes met the singer’s. When Mart saw that Dave was about to move forward, he dug his fingers into his thighs.

“You wait!” he barked.

Dave stopped his move – but he couldn’t stop his eyes getting darker.

“Good boy…” he stroked along Dave’s thighs a few times then he slid his cold hands under the sweater, touching the warm skin and watching the singer’s reactions.

He hissed and jumped a bit from the feeling. He loved when Martin treated him like a dog. It nearly caused real pain as he was commanding him, but he couldn’t resist.

“Now you can kiss me” he told him on a low tone, while he slid his already warm hands down onto the fine ass and couldn’t stop himself: he had to grab it.

Dave leant forward until their lips met. First he kissed Mart tenderly – recalling that unsure feeling he felt when he’d kissed Mart for the first time.

Martin let Dave discover his mouth – during that he didn’t waste his time. He slid his hands forward and ran them on Dave’s already rapidly hardening cock under the fabric of his trousers. He knew how badly he can turn Dave on when he plays his daddy… After a few strokes he undid his belt and trousers, but left it there – he wanted him to suffer more. The tormented one moaned from the sensual pain, but returned to the blonde man’s lips soon. Martin smiled into the kiss a bit then pulled his head back from the red lips. He ran his index and middle finger on them. Dave couldn’t stop himself, he had to taste them! He fulfilled his desire as he made the fingers disappear in his mouth.

Mart gave him a satisfied smile “That’s it…” he whispered hoarsely and for a few moments he let Dave sink into what he was doing with closed eyes. Then he pulled his fingers out and grabbed Dave’s nape with his other hand to kiss him greedily. He led his wet fingers towards a decided destination and they soon disappeared at the back of his lover’s loosened trousers. First he slowly slid just one finger to the right spot.

“Do ya want it?” he whispered onto his lips, while his finger was teasing Dave gently.

“Yes…” Dave moaned hoarsely as he closed his eyes and was waiting for Martin to carry on.

“I couldn’t hear it! Ask for it nicely!” he pulled his hand back a bit.

“Please!” he whined from Mart’s ‘leaving move’.

“Much better, sweetie…” While he pulled his flushed face closer to him by his nape, one of his fingers started to penetrate him.

Dave’s back-muscles strained from the pleasure he felt and he had to moan lustfully. His fingers dug into the couch. After a few moves Mart positioned his other finger too to give more joy for his lover. He knew where to reach and make him lose his mind within moments.

“Move! Help me!” the other quiet order came, but seeing Dave’s pleasure he wasn’t able to use his harsh tone. He loved watching him like this. He was beautiful! Even in the darkness he knew that Dave’s face was flushed.

Mart didn’t have to ask it twice – Dave gladly gave himself to the even greater pleasures as he started to move his hips in the way he does on stage and this made him cry out loudly.

“That’s it, sweetie…” Mart caressed his thigh with his free hand then reached under the pullover to gently scratch along Dave’s chest and tummy “Do you enjoy it?”

Dave couldn’t answer just propped himself over Martin and moaned and moaned unstoppable. A lost sweat-drop slid down on his temple, which had formed on his skin from the mixture of concentration and joy. But only his moans weren’t enough for Curly – as a punishment he pulled out his fingers and looked at the singer with a cold stare again. Dave looked back with animal-like eyes. He swallowed hard. It wasn’t easy but he forced patience on himself and answered on a wobbly tone: “Yes, very much…”

A little smile dawned on Mart’s lips “And? Do you want more?” the barely audible whisper came while he enjoyed the trembling of the body over him.

“Yes I do!”

“See how merciful I am with you…” and he penetrated him with his fingers again, pushing the right spot.

The reply came with a big moan “Yes… yes you are!”

His tormentor bit down on his own lip while he reached into Dave’s trousers from the front too to free the rock-hard cock, which was waiting only for his touches. He grabbed it firmly at once and started to pump it hard, not caring about his own painfully tight pants.

This new and wonderful sensation came from thin air for Dave. He had to cry out loud “Oh God… Martin!”

“Come on, my little beast, tell me what you feel!” he licked his mouth while his hands moved unstoppable.

“The wonder!” he yelled out again.

“No, it just comes now…” he laughed shortly and hoarsely then his hand, which was squeezing the hard cock, switched to such a rhythm from what he knew Dave’d cum within a few seconds. He bent slightly upwards to steal a kiss from Dave.

“Oh God…” Dave exclaimed when he felt that rhythm and he knew that it’ll push him over the edge in no time, which he’ll express with an enormous climax.

“Cum for me, sweetie, cum!” he moaned hoarsely into Dave’s open mouth with an equally cloudy gaze.

Dave gave out a deep moan. His muscles were jumping uncontrollably, shaking Dave’s trembling body as the singer was agonizing over his tormentor. He loosened his numbed hands with putting them on Martin’s shoulders just to put his weight on them again very soon. He was moaning his joy to the blonde man.

Mart was satisfied as he felt the warm liquid running down his hand – nearly burning his skin – and feasted his eyes with the sight of the singer, who was out of his mind. He slowed down the moves of his hands then pulled out his fingers from behind. He pumped Dave's cock a few more times then lazily tasted his sperm.

After the rave Dave’s muscles collapsed – just like his body did on Martin. His tired muscles quivered time after time while he panted for air. He rested his head on Mart’s shoulder when he collapsed like a ragdoll.

His lover embraced his back and waist contentedly, but couldn’t stop a little moan when Dave’s hand accidentally touched the straining bulge in his pants. This moan was an insensible reflex – Mart didn’t plan to get his share of pleasure now. This time only Dave mattered, he wanted to make him happy and it seemed that he’d succeeded. He was still rolling Dave’s taste in his mouth as he was embracing him.

The singer slowly came to his senses. He slightly pulled away from Martin just to be able to look him in the eye.

“This was something… wonderful” he whispered into Curly’s mouth, nearly touching his lips.

“I’m glad I could make you happy” he stroked along his side.

“You could feel more gladness…” he whispered back while he started caressing him through his trousers.

Mart inhaled in a wobbly way, closing his eyes for a moment from the pleasure he felt, but he pulled himself together and grabbed Dave’s hand to pull it away.

“No.”

Dave looked confused.

“After the concert…” Mart stroked along Dave’s arm “Until that I let the tension build…” he looked up. Dave’s pupils were still wide from the pleasure and the half-light. “And… maybe you’ll enjoy my little surprise even more…”

“Your surprise?”

“Oh yes… But you’ll get it only if you make such a show, which’ll give me a hard-on” he whispered dirtily.

“You won’t have just a hard-on… You’ll cum from it” he flashed an evil smile while he ran his fingers in the blonde curls again – but this time there was no tenderness in this move – he grabbed them firmly to pull Martin’s head back to get access to his neck, where he left a wet trail with his tongue.

Mart inhaled sharply then made a purr-like groan.

“Aren’t you too self-confident, sweetie?” he pulled his leg looking up at the ceiling.

“You think I am?” Dave looked up.

“Well, I have no memories from cumming on stage because of you… I’ve just got excited from you” he stroked along Dave’s face.

“When?” he snatched at the chance to know more about this.

“A lot of times” he shrugged “But you act as if you didn’t know this well…” he rolled his eyes with a smile.

“I’m curious… Would it disturb you to cum in front of others?” he mused.

“You mean in front of a stadium full of people? Yeah, it’d probably disturb me.”

“No, not specifically like that, it just came to my mind. I meant it in general.”

“On whom did you think? I mean what kind of situation did you imagine?”

“Strangers. I wasn’t thinking about any situation, this was just a hunch I had to ask.”

“Now it’d probably bother me. If you asked me this twenty-whatever years ago, maybe I’d have given you a different answer. Why? You wouldn’t mind it even now?”

“Yes, I would. Those times have slid away” he laughed bitterly “But I thought that you still have that reckless ‘insanity’.”

“I still have it somewhere, but maybe it has a different form now.”

“What kind of form?” curiosity glimpsed in the green eyes.

“Why should I tell you my dirty secrets when you can experience them as well?” another spark of dominance flickered in his irises.

A smile spread slowly on Dave’s face then he leant closer to kiss his lover again.

“Do you want to rest with me a bit more before the concert? We could go to bed, couldn’t we?” Mart asked after finishing the kiss “You could use some rest, right?”

“That’s all I want now” he murmured.

“Then let’s go, you jewel of a singer!” he smacked his butt to make him stand up.

Dave laughed then obeyed and headed for the bed.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10 – part 1**

  


 

After a few hours Dave was standing behind the stage lost in thoughts, waiting for the crew to finish adjusting the technical stuffs. His band mates were standing next to him. He dematerialized for the show holding his head between his hands, listening to the crowd – he called it his house pet – as it called them to go on stage. He smiled when the audience roared: he knew that this was probably caused from the appearance of the DM logo. And they were getting more and more impatient – yelling, clapping and chanting the band’s name, while trying to scream half Hungarian, half English sentences towards the stage. He saw a silvery glint from the corner of his eye – Martin pulled closer to the stage, maybe peeking out on the audience. Andy – as always – was waiting calmly and quietly to go. Dave never knew what was going on in his red-haired friend’s mind before going up there. Peter and Christian exchanged a few meaningless sentences. They tried to ease the light tension with chatting.

Martin’s fingers were already warmed up as he was listening to the intensifying clapping. He’s heard earlier that

Douglas’s performance with Nitzer Ebb was successful too. The blonde man let the little well-known tension and excitement before the concerts wash over him. He knew that it was worthy to give more to this audience. And the “Intro” has begun… Peter, Christian and Andy walked up on the stage, which caused an enormous roar in the arena. Mart had a little smile on his face when he appeared on the stage too and the screams grew even louder.

Dave walked out into the light too and the discord reached its top. He walked to his microphone, bowed then waved to Martin, who started playing on his guitar. For a little while he just listened to it then he joined the song and the crowd followed him. It wasn’t a wonderful experience just for them, but for the audience too as they were singing the well-known lines. Martin couldn’t stop himself: he had to glimpse at Dave with a little smile.

The lines flew quickly by. During “Wrong” the fans nearly razed the arena to the ground as they were moving together to the dynamic song, then “Hole to feed” came. Martin let himself go and was playing the familiar song so easily that even if someone woke him up, he would have known the melody by heart. For a while he was playing with closed eyes, but when he looked up, he caught a white flash for a moment. He squinted towards Dave in disbelief, checking if he had seen it too.

Dave was on his way towards Martin when he saw that white flash. He just had a moment to read it then saw as the security guys pulled it out of the owners’ hands and exiled it back into the bag. But no problem – he will do what he was asked for. Martin shot him a warning look, but nothing else could be seen on him. He was hoping that the makers of the sheet just had a lucky guess…

But Dave just smiled. It didn’t really mattered anymore – he gave a kiss on Mart’s cheek after “Hole to feed”, which was followed by a loud roar – probably from the females. (It was likely that the makers of that sheet were girls too.) But he didn’t want to be that obvious like in

New York. He won’t let himself go that much again, but small touches were still okay. He kept them for later. He loved the crowd and already felt that this concert will be much friendlier than the one last year. The first few rows were totally out of their minds, it was good to look at them, but if he looked past them, he could see that the ones with the ‘sitting tickets’ were already standing and the beholders of the ‘simple standing tickets’ were eagerly reaching for them too. And the fans in the first rows nearly fell over the cordon.

Slowly Martin started to ease up too and even Dave’s touches haven’t bothered him anymore. He had a little smile on his face as he listened to the roar in the arena when “Walking in my shoes” came. Dave didn’t waste his time, he took action: he was dancing, moving around, encouraging the audience… and torturing Martin. Once when he propped his back to Mart’s during his guitar solo and moved away at its end, he pushed his butt to Curly’s. He knew that the fans had noticed him pointing out his tongue, cuz they made a noise again, but it didn’t bother him, he was just shaking his ass. As he got in the swing of the show, he started getting rid of his clothes.

And Martin had to swallow hard from the sight. He knew, he felt that Dave was performing stunts mainly for him – obeying to his request and disguising it as the part of the show. He had to smile from this and when the singer came to him during a break between the songs, Mart whispered into his ear on a low tone:

“Just go on with your little show… You’re very exciting…” and the flashed a smile at him too.

Dave answered just with a dark grin and gave a sexual look for the first row. Of course he’d got loud screams for that. He laughed and paraded away to start the next song and go out on the catwalk. Of course the screams from there were clearly audible too as the people around the catwalk and in the sectors saw him coming closer. Martin just quietly watched the singer playing with the crowd, dancing back and forth on the catwalk. And every time Dave moaned into the mic, he gave him a hard time holding himself back. The delicate tension of lust has been resonating in him since the afternoon. He’d chosen not to let Dave satisfy him before the concert, so he was getting more and more excited. But of course he tried to gain control over this – nonetheless he wasn’t that withdrawn like at the beginning of the show. Now he wanted Dave to touch him as often as it was possible.

Dave did his best – the crowd was cheering and moving, singing and shouting his name. But now he’d disappeared behind the stage to give Martin some space.

After putting down his guitar the blonde man walked slowly into the middle of the stage and began “Insight”. He remembered well those times when he wrote the songs for Ultra. Well, that album was written mainly for Dave and told how Martin saw and processed Dave’s most self-destructing period. The fans often say that they like the duality in that album: next to the dark melancholy hope is there in the songs too – especially in this wonderful song. He couldn’t sing it without getting totally lost in it. He knew that Dave knew he was singing for him. Mart suspected that there are a lot of tear-stained faces in the crowd, listening to the song without breathing or singing along. And now he started the familiar “You’ve got to give love” line, making the fans sing it.

The next track was “Home”, which was flowing with similar meaning and magic and toward its end he reached the height of it where he let his voice out to fill the whole arena, mesmerizing the moved audience. He got an enormous applause of course. He liked his own block, cuz during it he could breathe together with the whole arena and the music didn’t suppress the singing and the clapping of the fans that much. At the end of the song he couldn’t leave the enthusiastic fans behind so he signaled them to sing more. Then he thanked their participation with a smile and let the returning Dave making them sing a bit more. He barely covered the glimpses he sent towards Dave, cuz these two songs moved him as well as it has recalled a lot of memories.

Dave gave the rhythm to the audience and let them sing, taking command from Mart. At the end he made the crowd lionize Martin. Of course they’ve followed what the wanted them to do keenly. Finally he took command of the show and it went on.

The crowd got into the swing of the show again and Martin has enjoyed the way as they were partying out of their heads or slowed down and sang along the slower songs reverently. During such moments he could nearly touch the love and energy they were radiating. He knew that these two things were running and prodding Dave to give them even more from himself. As he was watching the singer giving 200% into the show, the feeling of love he felt for him washed over Mart again, beating down the massive lust which was burning him from the inside. He knew that during the concert he shot a lot of hot looks at Dave. Sometimes he nearly undressed the slim panther with his eyes and if he had the chance, he had whispered a few dirty things into Dave’s ear.

Dave had enjoyed the night very much and he was satisfied by the sight of the raging crowd as they gave themselves to them, reaching towards them. He knew that he gave in and communicated more than last time they were here. Since then a lot of positive things had happened in his life – especially the turn of events in his illness. It was good to see the audience enjoying the concert and he gladly gave more to them. He was out on the catwalk a lot of times – he barely could come back from there. During the first encore the audience went nearly crazy – they wanted them back. Martin went back to them with “One Caress” He was singing so beautifully… When Dave went back onto the stage he knew that it was clear on his face how deeply this song had touched him and during that night he introduced the blonde man for the third time, to show his respect and admiration for Mart’s amazingly beautiful voice. It was unbelievable how many ways this man could get him on his knees.

His blonde mate accepted the umpteenth introduction gratefully. He saw on Dave that he too could barely hold himself back – but now Mart felt love radiating from the singer, which he accepted with a huge smile. He knew that they gave a grate show and the audience could be satisfied as well, although they wanted the band back when after “Personal Jesus” and the group-hug they’d left the stage. Dave was the last of course who came down. Mart saw on him that he was exhausted at the end.

“Everything’s okay?” he put his hand onto Dave’s sweaty back, which was already covered with a black towel.

The man was sucking a bottle of water dry. After finishing it off and sighing deeply he said: “Yes. I grew tired a bit at the end, but it was wicked! They are crazy!”

“Yeah!” Martin laughed. He was in a good mood and he calmed down a bit. “Do you hear it?” he eavesdropped, stopping on the half-lit corridor for a moment to calmly listen to the still lumbering arena.

“I think tomorrow we can count on some fans at the hotel.”

“I agree” he stroked along Dave’s back “Go, pull yourself together, rest a bit and then…” he whispered into his ear. He simply couldn’t hold himself back. The concert just turned him on even more.

“And then?” Dave asked, forcing Mart to retreat to the corridor’s wall.

“Then you can see your little friends again…” he held out a carrot with him.

As an answer Dave leant dangerously close, but before he could kiss him, he just smiled and stepped away from Martin to pull himself together.

 

\---

 

Mart let the singer go with a dirty smile and after half an hour he was waiting silently in the car, which was about to take them to the hotel. He had already planned the rest of the evening in his head. After the rest of the band got in and they’ve got to their quarters Dave went into his room. He filled his empty stomach with some food then just watched the city through the balcony’s glass-door.

Martin knew that he was waiting for him to come, so he took his time. He ate dinner on an easy pace, watched the end of a football match then stood up and put Dave’s “surprise” into his back-pocket. He stepped into the room quietly, without knocking. It was lit just by a little lamp on the nightstand. He immediately spotted the slim figure standing in front of the window. He didn’t hesitate, just locked the door and walked behind the man – not touching him yet.

“What did you bring for me?” Dave asked. He heard and now felt Martin behind him.

“You’ll see, sweetie…” he breathed into his neck and watched the goose bumps appear with a smile “You know that you’ll whine for mercy, don’t you?” he asked whispering.

“Tell me when I didn’t do it for you…”

“Well at the beginning of our relationship you were fighting for dominance quite a lot…” he ran his fingertip on Dave’s shoulder.

“Those were hard fights” Dave smiled and looked at Martin.

“But you liked them, don’t you?” he ran his index-finger on the singer’s spine this time.

“Don’t you?” he asked back while a shiver ran down his spine from the nice touch.

“Sure I did… But you didn’t answer my question…” he noted on a slightly dangerous tone as he pulled on Dave’s T-shirt a bit.

“Yes, I liked them” he gave him what he wanted, but there was a little rebellion in his voice against Martin’s dominant behaviour.

His lover didn’t answer – he changed tactics and let the man go to walk to the bar. He took two glasses off the shelf and poured some vodka for both of them – doing this without a word. Then he sat up onto one of the bar stools, put his hand onto his glass and just waited.

Dave sneaked to him with curiosity “I thought you’ve stopped drinking, haven’t you?” he asked with a little smile.

“You’ve stopped drinking too – haven’t you?” he slid the other glass to him, letting his own go for a moment “Well, I don’t know who’s the one who sends down a few strong drinks time after time…” he looked at him.

“I had problems with drugs” he took the glass from Mart and drank the vodka with one shot, slightly panting and sighing from it.

Mart just snorted hearing the obvious denial. He remembered those wild times… But he let it go and lifted his glass to drink his share too.

Dave put the glass down and looked at Martin “And… what kind of surprise do you have for me?”

Martin didn’t answer right away just reached into his jeans’ pocket to pull out a pair of slim but strong Japanese ropes. He took them between his hands and straightened them, playing a bit.

“I think you remember your little friends…” he noted on his dominant self’s lower tone.

Dave’s muscles tensed, like an animal sensing the sweet scent of his prey, but knowing that he can’t move yet “Oh, yessss…”

“And do you want to… hmmm… to take a closer look of them?” he playfully straightened the ropes with a sudden pull.

“Would it make any sense saying ‘no’?” his green eyes glinted.

“I don’t think so, sweetie…” he smiled darkly while a dangerous light flickered in his eyes.

“If I did, what would you do? Tie me up with force?”

“Come here!” he slyly avoided the answer.

Dave obeyed to his blonde mate without a word. Mart’s expression changed into a satisfied one as he put the ropes next to him on the counter and slightly bent back to prop his elbows on its edge.

“Closer!”

The addressed man propped his hands on the counter on both sides of Martin, so now he was entrapped as Dave leant closer to him. Curly let his eyes wander on his lover’s fine body, still sitting on his stool. He inhaled deeply, feeling Dave’s scent and the heat of his body surrounding him.

“Hmm… it’s good to look at you…” he whispered and his eyes were glistening with such a pervert light which he knew would turn Dave on within a few minutes.

“Why is it good looking at me?” Dave asked back with a dark smile.

Mart reached out with one of his hands and slowly caressed Dave’s chest through his pullover and T-shirt.

“You’re beautiful, sweetie…”

Dave closed his eyes and enjoyed the touch, like a tamed big cat. That little lopsided smile was still in the corner of Martin’s mouth as he watched his lover. In that moment he really remembered him on a tame panther. He slowly rolled up the black garbo and T-shirt, reaching under it to stroke along Dave’s ab-muscles.

But the tame panther wasn’t that tame as he showed. His wildness was still deep inside of him and it surfaced, but just warningly. Dave slowly leant closer to the other man’s neck – first just to inhale his scent deeply, as if he tasted the smell of blood, sizing up where he should give that precise bite which could silence his prey for good – if he wanted. He slowly flashed his sharp teeth to touch the neck with them, sinking deeper and deeper into the skin without breaking it, but causing growing pain, and finally letting the red fluid out.

Martin let him do what he wanted – later on he won’t have too many opportunities anyway. And not to mention that he was enjoying it… For a while he remained silent then cried out loud when another wave of pain shot through his body. He grabbed Dave’s hair and pulled his head away from his skin just to look into his eyes for a moment. The green eyes met its nearly black pair as Dave’s animal-like nature came closer to the surface. The blonde man straightened up as he was sitting on the stool, but he was still a few centimeters shorter than the singer. Playfully he took Dave’s lower lip between his teeth to torture him a bit. But Dave wanted more – he broke away wildly, causing a wound on his mouth, but he didn’t care. He pressed it against Mart’s nearly violently, vindicating Mart’s kisses to himself. For a moment the blonde man smiled into the bruising kiss, but after their teeth knocked together from Dave’s desire, he began returning them too. His hands were already tearing off Dave’s pullover and T-shirt. His lover didn’t care about his clothes, he wanted just one thing: getting what he desired.

After the rest of the T-shirt had landed on the floor, Martin – still kissing his mate – had lost control for a moment and had to deeply scratch along Dave’s back. The singer broke away from him for a moment to hiss, but then he wanted his share again. His hands started wandering on Mart’s body – discovering the lower areas hastily.

But Mart grabbed his wrists firmly to stop them.

“Not yet!” he panted after the wild kisses, although he couldn’t deny that his groin was on fire from the rising desire he felt since the afternoon.

But this time Dave didn’t feel like obeying – he tried to reach lower with force. Martin’s eyes flashed coldly seeing this disobedience and he pushed Dave’s chest a bit to have enough space sliding down from the bar stool. With a sudden side-move he danced out of his reach to get behind his back. He grabbed the half-naked man’s wrist and pressed it against his back, while he firmly forced him to step forward. This way Dave had to put his free hand onto the counter if he didn’t want to lose his balance. Of course he didn’t like this and tried to use his strength as a sign of resistance, trying to free his wrist. But Mart grabbed him very firmly – for a moment it ran through his mind that it was likely that his marks will be visible the next day, but he didn’t really care. There was more strength in him than people would think after the first sight… He pushed the singer again, who had to nearly lay onto the counter now. Mart quickly reached for one of the ropes, leaning over Dave’s back – nuzzling to him with his whole body. When during another twitch Dave touched his groin, he couldn’t stop a growl.

“Easy, boy…” he whispered into Dave’s ear.

But Dave wasn’t willing to calm down: he didn’t give up and let out a low, growl-like sound. However, Mart knew his weaknesses and the ways he could tame him. Without any warning he reached between Dave’s legs and grabbed him a bit firmer. It was as if someone had pushed the magical button on Dave – he immediately pulled his claws back, hid his sharp teeth and his muscles relaxed. He became like a unicorn with the golden halter in his neck, following his capturer no matter where he was going.

Mart watched his mate contentedly while he didn’t waste the time with his hand either. He was pampering Dave through his trousers a bit. He moaned again, but this time from the rising pleasure he felt – he didn’t care anymore what Curly was doing to him, he just wanted him to do it as fast as possible. His torturer felt that he surrendered to him – from this licked his mouth expectantly then pulled his hand back, using a harsher tone he knew Dave loved:

“Give me your other hand!”

Dave offered it to him, trying to turn his head and look back at Martin with his shining eyes. He wanted to see his face. For a moment Curly’s eyes met with the lurking ones – this made him fall out of his concentration and couldn’t stop a lop-sided smile while he reached for the other rope.

“Turn back towards the wall, sweetie…” he said on a slightly strafing tone.

“I’m just wondering what you’ll do to me now” he said while he turned back.

“Oh, don’t be so curious… I’ve planned it already…” he laughed shortly. He started tying up Dave’s hands with the slim silk ropes. He pulled on them to check how tight they were. He feasted his eyes on the sight as the ropes cut into the fine skin for a long moment. Dave growled from the momentary sharp pain then moved his fingers and waited. After checking his circulation as well, he grabbed Dave’s shoulder and straightened him up to adore his work.

“Turn around!”

He turned towards Martin and moved his shoulders a few times, trying his ropes, but they were tight. Martin made him harmless.

“You’ll stay there until I call you” Curly commanded in such a tone as if he was talking just about the weather. Meanwhile he was preparing his next torture: he pulled the zipper down on his sweat-suit and just let it fall onto the floor. His thin pullover soon followed its example, but he took off his T-shirt much slower, watching Dave’s reaction.

 

**Chapter 10 – part 2**

He watched hungrily as his prey got mastery over him and played with him. Mart stretched contentedly then - watching Dave - he lazily ran his fingers down his own chest until they reached down to his belt.

“Do you want it?” he stroked his belt. He felt how tight his pants already were, cuz of course this little game turned him on as well.

“Do it or else…” Dave said on his low tone, straining his arms.

“Or else what, my panther?”

“Once I’ll be free from this ropes…” he promised.

“Oh yes, I know” he grinned “And I won’t put up a fight, but now you’re not the one who has the power…” he walked to him, sliding his fingers under the front of Dave’s trousers to pull him after him by that “Come, sweetie, I have something for you. It’s high time to take it into your hand…” he said hoarsely from lust and started retreating towards the back of the sofa. Dave let Mart pull him to the back of the couch then waited for the next instructions. The green eyes started glistening darker and darker as another wave of lust washed over Mart and his next command came hoarsely: “On your knees!”

Dave smiled then slowly kneeled down, sitting back onto his heels and looking up into the blonde man’s eyes. With a dirty little smile Mart ran his fingertip on the line of Dave’s jaw then started undoing his belt. After a minute he could finally feel the pressure in his trousers lessening. He watched Dave swallow hard with pleasure. The singer wouldn’t have been able to tear his eyes away from the sight as Martin was getting rid off his clothes - layer after layer.

He wasn’t in a hurry but finally he was standing there naked in front of the kneeling Dave, still holding his gaze. Just when he nodded and put his fingers around his own cock did he say hoarsely: “Come!”

The other man moaned from the calling then kneeling up he nearly swallowed the offered body part in his greediness, moaning contentedly and dully when he could finally have it completely in his mouth. Mart slowly let his head fall back and moaned with slightly opened mouth from the long awaited pleasure. The fingers of his free hand dug gently into the dark tufts. Dave tasted Martin tenderly, as if he was sucking on his most beloved tidbit. As a matter of fact this wasn’t far from the truth. He glimpsed up at his mate who was enjoying his slow licks immensely, filling out Dave’s mouth completely.

“That’s it, sweetie…” he sighed towards the ceiling thanks to the slow moves “I love it when you’re doing this…” he looked down at him with cloudy eyes. He went insane from the sight as Dave Gahan was kneeling in front of him, hands tied up behind his back, running his tongue on the base of his hard cock. Dave let him go deeply into his throat then slid halfway off him just to swallow him completely again. He started accelerating his speed slowly, torturing the blonde man just a slightly more with every move. He wanted to take his time with this.

“Oh God… Dave!” he moaned and his hands fisted in Dave’s hair from the pleasure he felt.

But the addressed one had shown no mercy – he went on with his actions, feeling Martin getting even bigger and harder in his mouth. If he did this for the first time, it would have been likely that he chocked from it. But this wasn’t the first time…

“Wa…wait!” Mart moaned with the skin of his teeth after a fine trick of the tongue on him and he slowly pulled out his glistening cock from the singer’s mouth – holding his lover by his hair not to snatch at him. Martin wasn’t sure if he could pull himself back in case he let Dave swallow him that deep again. He looked panting on his captive.

Dave looked back at him questioningly with his glistening lips. Martin didn’t think: suddenly he found himself on his knees in front of Dave and took the flushed face between his hands to kiss him hotly. His mate was barely able to keep up his pace and return the kisses he gave to him. Curly reached between Dave’s legs without breaking the kiss and stroked along the notable bulge in the front of the now tight trousers.

This time Dave was the one who had to moan a wobbly one. The things Mart was doing to him until now didn’t let him untouched and his body showed this. Mart’s lips, tongue and teeth slid onto the singer’s neck, starting pampering it, while he undid Dave’s belt and button. He slowly slid the zipper down, enjoying the erotic sound it made. Dave panted over Martin’s shoulder and nearly went mad from the feeling as his daddy’s fingers moved slowly deeper and deeper into the hotness, which awaited him inside his trousers. Mart licked along the side of Dave’s neck, pushing the trousers lower on his hips. He groaned contentedly when he realized that there was no underwear this time either. In the same moment he bit into Dave’s neck and took him in his hand. This produced an unarticulated yell from Dave, which was triggered by the double pleasure and ended up in a lustful moan. To heighten their delight even more, Mart slid closer to his lover and took both of them into his hand, starting to pump them slowly, biting into Dave’s collarbone then panted as he propped his forehead to the singer’s shoulder.

“Mart!” Dave whined when he felt the other rock-hard member touching his. He had to look down and he wasn’t disappointed: he saw few dirtier things than this sight. He couldn’t turn his gaze away from the picture as Mart was pampering both of them masterfully.

“Do you want it?” he growled into his hear, pulling himself together a bit.

“How can you ask this?!” Dave whined again. His feelings and knowing what Martin was capable of and what he was doing to him was nearly torturing him.

“Wrong answer…” he bit down on his earlobe, tickling Dave’s ear with his hot breath, but in the next moment he had already pulled away and let Dave go. He crawled backwards a bit and stood up.

Dave was already flying high, but then… he fell back like a stone, smashing to the ground and shattering into thousand pieces.

“Mart!” he cried out “Why did you do this?!”

He didn’t answer just curved his lips into a dirty smile as he started getting around the man at his mercy to head towards the bedroom. Of course this was a huge effort to make, pulling all of his self-control together, but he tried not to show this. Just the shining of his cloudy dark-green eyes was telltale.

“Martin! Where the hell are you going now?!” Dave asked him fiercely, trying to get free from his restrains, cursing. It can’t be that his blonde lover’ll just leave him here like this, dragging him back from the gates of pleasure in this mean, sleazy way just to torture him! Mart gave him so much dirty pleasure, he thought he’d go nuts from them…

“You stay here!!” Mart shouted at him and his eyes flashed firmly for a moment as if Dave was a dog he had to show his place with the gesture of his hand as well.

Dave’s eyes just followed Mart disappearing. He told him this one order in such a tone that he dared not to disobey, although every cell of his body protested against it. He wasn’t sure at all that the blonde man’d return to him or not.

Mart tried not to hurry too much, but the desire had already clouded his mind. He knew what he was looking for. As he walked into Dave’s bedroom he pulled out a black sport bag from under the bed… Meanwhile Dave was shaking like a leaf. His cock was straining so hard it nearly hurt and his owner’d have done anything to get some release. Martin – because he was barefooted and the thick carpet swallowed the sounds of his steps – was able to slowly walk back into the living room without a noise. He enjoyed the sight of the kneeling man. His tied up hands were already shaking a bit from the ropes and the lust. His trousers were pushed down over his knees and his naked butt tensed time after time as well. Martin stopped behind the unsuspecting – and probably cursing – singer and willingly let the object make a telltale noise as the end of it slid onto the floor. Dave lifted his head and tried to peek over his shoulder with a curious gaze. He knew what he’d heard.

“You know that you were a bad and greedy puppy, don’t you?” Mart asked on a low tone while he grabbed and slightly squeezed his lover’s neck “You don’t want to obey to your daddy? Too bad…”

“And now you’ll punish me?” Dave tried to turn around as he tried to look into the green eyes.

“I’ll punish you…” he said on a darkly cold, but excitingly pervert tone “Turn forward!” he pushed him a bit more by his neck.

The dark-haired man heard the command and did what he was told. Martin rounded his lips contentedly as he stroked along Dave’s straining shoulder, letting him go and opening the leather-collar to put it around his neck. He licked his mouth satisfied, still standing behind the submissively kneeling man. He bent down for the silvery chain and walking around Dave he faced him, holding the still free end of the chain in his hand.

“Look up!”

The green eyes met their match “Aren’t you afraid that your dog’ll bite back one day?” he asked quietly on a shaky voice.

“Hmmm…” he smiled slowly “Maybe the Master won’t mind it that much…” He hooked the end of the chain into one of the loops. This way it became a leash. As he started retreating – letting the chain sliding out of his hand – his fingers had found their way back to his own hardness. Dave watched the move with dark and lustful eyes.

“Come, my little pet, come to daddy…” he whispered on a dirty tone, still backing, but now he gripped and pulled the chain a bit, signaling Dave to move.

Dave slightly pulled the chain back, showing that his personality wanted to rebel against this, but his desire was stronger and crawled closer on his knees – although he was more careful than usual.

“Alright, good boy…” Martin whispered contentedly and closed his eyes halfway from the desire. He felt himself getting even harder from the sight. For a moment he looked behind his shoulder to size up the distance between him and the couch and he was satisfied to see that he was nearly there at the furniture. But the chain was still long in the air between them. After a few steps he sat down onto the couch and prepared himself for the enjoyable sight. With his free hand he started playing with himself lazily, while the other one pulled the chain time after time, barking “faster” or “slower” to Dave.

Dave was enjoying the game. He just wanted to jump at Martin and tear him into pieces, but he liked that he couldn’t do it, that he kept him on a tight hold. He knew that his time’ll come too and that it’ll be brutal. But now he lived just for Mart, obeyed just for him, suppressing his own instincts painfully, doing what the familiar but still so different voice asked him. This voice was able to clang and sing so beautifully as well, if its owner wanted that. He’d do anything for Mart, he was under his spell. But this wasn’t new for him.

Mart moaned lustfully when he pumped his cock a bit harder. By that time Dave was quite close to him. Curly opened his legs a bit more then pulled the chain one last time so that his puppy had to prop his chin on his thigh, very close to his ready hardness.

“And now go on with what you’ve started earlier!”

The dark-haired man went for the rock-hard cock happily, but now he wasn’t gently. He licked, swallowed, bit it and gladly and greedily did anything he could do without his hands. Mart threw his head back and moaned loudly – and this moan was followed by new ones. He didn’t care about anything else. He was just grabbing Dave’s chain. Dave belonged to him. He chained the singer to him. Now he was just his. Now and forever…

Dave felt the pull, which was intensifying with the blonde man’s pleasure and at the end Martin was the one who pulled Dave over him.

“Oh that’s it! More! … Don’t stop!!” he moaned rattling and was scratching and pulling Dave’s head and hair in his pleasure.

His lover tried to obey nearly in a feral way as he was puffing, trying to get some air into his lungs, which wasn’t so easy with his full mouth and throat.

“Sweetie… Dave…. Sweetie, I’m almost… Arghhh!” he squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, but he didn’t want to miss the sight. He wanted to watch Dave while he was cumming after the long waiting. As his gaze fell onto the face of his lover, who was totally absorbed into his work, he couldn’t take it anymore: he gave out an enormous cry and shot his release into the singer’s mouth, who greedily swallowed everything he had to give. He did it so hungrily as if his life depended on it, as if there was nothing better in this world… as if he could drink in something from the fragments of the passing seconds. Finally he pulled away from the now limp member and looked at the blonde man heavily panting. Wetness was glistening around his mouth.

Martin moaned from the sight again and letting the chain go, he took Dave’s face between his hands to pull him up to him gently but urgently, licking off his own juices. Dave – because he had no free hands to prop himself – leant against Martin’s chest, letting the other man pull him up and kiss him.

“I love you so much…” Mart whispered faintly between two kisses, leaving his dominant self completely behind. Now he was just a man who was hungry for love, who was in love, who was able to trust and open up for Dave again after a long-long time.

“I love you too” Dave whispered back and from this position he had a nice close view on the green eyes.

Martin smiled and caressed Dave’s flushed face.

“Tell me what you want” he asked. It was unlike him giving the control to Dave.

“Let my hands go! My arms are already in pain” Dave asked and Mart could spot the faint begging in his voice, which meant that his pain was already quite strong.

“Alright, turn around” came the soft and a little bit worried answer as he sat up.

Dave turned around carefully, cuz just a little move of his arms caused serious pain now. They went totally numb and he felt as if they were about to come off.

“I’m sorry…” Mart muttered as he leant down and started giving a careful massage to the throbbing arms.

“I’m not complaining” he flashed a dark smile then gave himself completely to the pleasures of Martin’s touches. Thanks to them the life had returned into his arms – although the process was a bit slow and painful. The blonde man was doing his work profoundly as if he wanted to make up for the pain he caused with this.

“Do you want me to take off the collar as well?”

“No” Dave smiled.

“Do you still want me to keep you in chains?” Martin laughed quietly too as he stroked along Dave’s Celtic tattoo.

“I’ll always be in your chains” Dave puffed while he put his head down onto Martin’s chest. He smiled when he heard his lover’s heartbeat.

“What?” he ran his fingers through the messy hair then started stroking the singer’s hair.

“I’m just listening to you. I am you and you are me…” he whispered.

Mart just nodded silently and stroked a wet mop of hair out of Dave’s face.

“Come, climb onto the sofa and nuzzle to me” he asked tenderly while he slid lower on the couch so Dave could find a more comfortable position for his head when he put it back onto his chest. Although the floor was a bit cold for Curly’s bare feet, he didn’t care now. He just wanted to have Dave close to him.

The dark-haired man climbed next to him and found his place, resting his head on the previous spot and embracing Curly’s waist with his hands. His mate was lazily caressing the singer’s hair, tattooed back or side. He loved these intimate moments, which seemed so rare to him! Although in the last few months – since he let the grateful singer close to him again – they shared such minutes more often. These weren’t just the echoes of their satisfied needs, but balm for their wounded souls. They’ve got the deepest cuts in the past from each other and for a while now they have been working on fixing the mistakes – as much as it was possible. Dave was puffing quietly and contentedly. He enjoyed this peacefulness and he knew for a long time that this was much more than just tight friendship. He loved Martin – more than anyone else, maybe more than Jen. He gently dug his fingers into the blonde man’s skin by his waist just to feel that he was really there with him.

“I love you” he whispered quietly “More than anything.”

Mart smiled with closed eyes then he bent his head to the side, watching his naked love on his lap. These two sentences warmed his heart beyond words – especially after all those things they’ve got through during the years.

“I feel the same, my little beast…”

Dave glimpsed up into the green eyes. Now he couldn’t hide his feelings. He felt himself so unbelievably happy and lucky!

Martin put the now warm chain aside and as he heard its sound, his gaze fell onto the black collar, just to reach the open and honest look, filled with love. Now he found David more than fragile, vulnerable… and beautiful. He didn’t know how they’ve got here, how did they succeed to develop such an insoluble relationship.

“I’m condemned to you…” he whispered, stroking along the stubbly face.

Dave just looked into the other man’s eyes and felt the warmness filling his heart. Yes, they’ve belonged together for good. If he had to leave Martin, he wouldn’t know what he’d do… Surely he’d suffer from it beyond words and maybe he wouldn’t be able to act like a whole, healthy man ever again.


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

  


 

A few days had passed since the successful

Budapest gig and as planned, Jen visited Dave again after she’d succeeded to break away from NYC for a while. She liked Paris where the guys had a double concert now. She has been here lots of times and the romantic nights in the city mesmerized her too. She watched the lights of the city and the walking couples from the cab. To tell the truth she missed these simple things as well. Like walking hand in hand with her husband by the Hudson. After she’d found the right hotel with John’s help she greeted her husband, whose hair was still wet from the shower he just took a few minutes ago. Sadly because her plane was late, she arrived just after the show. But she didn’t mind – they’ll have another concert the following day in that same arena.

Dave was happy to see his wife and he greeted her with a tight embrace and a kiss.

“How are things? Tell me about your days!” she sat down next to him onto the couch and after kicking off her shoes, she put her tired legs onto Dave’s lap.

“We are in grate form and enjoy the shows very much” Dave smiled “And what’s at home?” he asked back.

“Rosie’d told her opinion about one of her classmates in Greek when he pissed her off” she laughed “She’s getting more and more like you in her nature as well!” she caressed his forearm - resting on her legs- through his thin pullover.

“I don’t know whether it’s good or bad!” he laughed.

“I think it’s good in many ways…” she stroked his chest as she bent forward a bit “Of course sometimes it makes it difficult to handle her, but… I’m quite good in handling you too, don’t you think?” she smiled, biting her lower lip a bit.

“We can say…” he smiled then took Jen’s chin into his hand to pull her closer for a kiss. After the last couple of days he needed the tenderness Jen could give him, he wanted to be the dominant one in a relationship.

“So… just like this? ‘We can say’…?” she asked between two small kisses while she straddled Dave – of course from this her skirt slid up, letting Dave see more of her stockings on her long legs.

And her husband rolled her skirt up even more “Well, you know, a while ago I’m not under your control” he joshed.

“And? Are you a bad boy, honey?” she slid closer to Dave’s groin and hand while she put her arms around his neck. She really wanted him to finally touch her.

“Do you want me to be one?” he pointed out the tip of his tongue as his look became dirty.

“Oh yes, I’d love it…” she moved her hips a few times to rub herself against her husband’s groin “Don’t you want it?”

“I didn’t say that!” Dave growled as desire filled his body “Do you want me to make you mine right here?” he whispered dirtily while the animal-like hunger became visible in his eyes.

“You’d jump on me and prevail over me?” she took Dave’s hand and led it onto her already wet panties to touch her where she wanted him the most.

“Don’t you want it?” Dave asked while his fingers quickly disappeared under the thin material, finding their way easily into the hot wetness.

Jen gave out an unarticulated and loud moan as she threw her head back, grabbing her own tit with one hand. She loved it when Dave’s long fingers disappeared in her body.

“So you don’t want it?” he asked again, still waiting for the answer and pulled his fingers back a bit.

“I want it! Yes, I want it!” she sputtered and quickly focused on Dave with her cloudy eyes “Please! Fuck me!” she panted. She was totally hungry for her man.

“Ohhh, I will – you can be sure about that” came another dark smile then he intensified the work of his fingers.

After a longing moan Jen hastily by-passed Dave’s hand to undo his trousers. She greedily reached into it, finding her way under his pants. The hard cock she was searching for slid into her hand, waiting for some pampering. Dave moaned on a low tone, but didn’t stop exciting his wife even more.

“I’ve missed you so much…” she whispered onto his mouth – her hand never stopping its moves.

“Now I’ll make up for the lost time” he said and slid his fingers out until he pulled her panties down, giving more space for his hand’s maneuvers.

Jen felt that she was nearly burning after Dave between her things and couldn’t wait to feel him fill her out again. But before that she grabbed the edge of his pullover and T-shirt and with one swift move she pulled it over his head. She smiled from his messy hair then stroked his shoulders and leant closer for a longing kiss. And Dave answered her call with giving her a lustful kiss. He freed his fingers to be able taking off the disturbing pieces of clothes. She willingly let him take off her halter, but she couldn’t wait for him to get rid off her bra – during a greedy kiss she took Dave’s wrist and led it back between her thighs, right onto her clit. Dave smiled from this stubbornness and dash. His fingers started to work again, letting out a moan from Jen right away, followed by others. She loved making love to her husband. He always knew what she needed – but of course sometimes he willingly tortured her, but she didn’t really mind it. She felt that she was quickly getting close, but she didn’t want to cum yet so she rather took Dave’s wrist again and started pulling it away.

“Give me your hand, baby!” she whispered hoarsely from lust.

Her husband didn’t say a word just he let Jen take over command. She lifted Dave’s hand to her lips with a little smile and ran the tip of her tongue on his fingers, which were glistening from her own lovejuices. She took them into her mouth and started sucking on them sensually – looking right into Dave’s eyes. He hissed quietly from the sight and he couldn’t take off his nearly black irises from Jen. He felt more blood running down into his groin – stretching him nearly painfully.

Getting enough of the foreplay his wife was about to sit on Dave’s hardness, when her eyes got stuck on his wrist. She froze for a moment then slid his bracelets out of the way and looked at the bruises shocked.

“What are these?” This was when the light marks of scratching, biting and grabbing came into her focus on Dave’s upper body.

“Nothing” Dave pulled his hand away. His eyes reflected confusion for a moment.

“And these?” she stroked along some nearly completely healed scratches questioningly. The shock and incomprehension was already in her voice – just like the premonitory signs of anger.

“These… these are just…” Dave didn’t know what he could say – not even a single explanation came into his mind.

“With whom did you cheat on me again?” Jen straightened up as she was still sitting on him and her whole expression hardened “With a woman or…?”

“Or what?” Dave asked back.

Jen’s eyes grew darker as she pressed her lips together. For a minute she just examined Dave’s eyes then she quickly and angrily crawled off Dave’s lap to reach for her thong, pulling it back on and dashing off on a shaky voice: “Oh for fuck’s sake, David!” when she’d already stroked down her skirt she straightened up she added: “It was Martin, right?”

Dave’s eyes popped out and it was difficult to decide whether he was taken aback because of the nonsense of the statement or because it was true.

“Yes, I know that you’re lovers!” she puffed, putting on her halter as well.

Dave wanted to say something, but he was so shocked that no words came out from his mouth, so it ended up in a silent gawping.

“You really thought that I’m this stupid?!” she bursted out and pain appeared in her eyes and voice.

“For how long did you know about this?” Dave found his voice again, but it seemed to be broken.

“I was suspicious for a few years now, but I know it just since a couple of months… when I confronted Mart” she folded her arms as if she was cold.

“You went to see Martin?” he stood up too. His shock was growing more and more. “How did you know?”

Jen turned slightly away from her half-naked husband and answered on a low, hurt tone: “There were signs, David.”

“How much do you know?” he asked, slightly scared.

“Not much. I didn’t want to go into the details. I was very mad at Mart. We had a fight. Then I shooed him away to drag you out of your depression! I didn’t want to think deeper of it how he’d managed to do that” she closed her eyes.

It seemed that he sighed a bit relieved. He reached for his T-shirt and put it on “And what do you want to do now?”

Jen slowly opened her eyes and looked at him half-accusingly, half-painfully and faltered out “I don’t know” she said and these three words echoed coldly in the silent room. Then she passed Dave, picked up her shoes and bag and nearly ran out of the room, slamming the door shut behind her.

The singer was just standing there. He couldn’t process this shocking information, he barely could take it in what kind of consequences this conversation can have or what will happen now. He had to discuss this with Martin.

Meanwhile his wife was hurrying on the streets, never looking up. She didn’t even know where she was, she just wanted to get far away from Dave for a while. Why did she come here? She should have known, she should have prepared herself that while the tour was on and they can be together this much, it was likely that they slept together! Basically such relationships didn’t disturb her, but it was something else hearing about such things than experiencing it. She was confused. She had to think about what to do or say to David. She needed time.

 

\---

 

Meanwhile Dave knocked on the door.

“Yes?” the blonde man opened it – his cell by his ear – and seeing Dave’s confused look he waved him inside “Yes, that’s the deadline… Yes, okay, I’ll transfer the money… Yes, thank you. I have to go now. Bye!” he ended the call quickly, his eyes following the troubled singer crawling in the room “What’d happened? There’s something wrong, I can tell…”

“Why did you tell her?” Dave asked quietly, coming to the point right away. He didn’t look into the green eyes, he didn’t want to see them now.

“What and to whom?” surprise appeared on his face.

“To Jen, for fuck’s sake, to my wife!”

This enlightened Martin as the pieces fell into their places. His face went dark right away. “So finally she brought it up…” he said on a grave tone. In the last months he felt this constant fear, because he didn’t know how Jen was with this whole thing. He was afraid that she’ll confront Dave with this… and this was happening now!

“What did you tell her? What, Martin?!”

“Nothing” he sat down into an armchair.

Dave sat onto the bed. He bent his head down and ran his right hand’s fingers through his hair “I shouldn’t have let it…”

“What?” Mart came back from his thoughts and frowned suspiciously.

“To let her see the signs” he showed his wrists “I should have dodged it. It’s my fault.”

Martin moaned faintly “So this is why she freaked out?” he ran his hands on his careworn face.

“Maybe this was the last drop for her. She told me that she had suspected it. But I don’t get it. Why didn’t she tell it earlier? Because our relationship – for many people – is disgusting.”

“Because I’ve kept you on the right level…” Mart bent down his head “Or at least she thinks so.”

“This is partly true. But she…” Dave started but then went silent. He stared into nowhere and started to see the bigger picture here “… she profited from this” he finished the sentence in a whisper. Now he got it why his wife abided this relationship. If she hadn’t, who’d know where Dave was now? “She profited from your actions and from what I mean to you and you for me. She benefited from this…” he repeated while a mixture of shock and anger filled his chest and stressed his ribs.

Martin remained silent and dug into his hair with both of his hands as he bent forward and propped his elbows on his knees, still holding his head this way.

“I’m scared, Mart” he whispered his confession into the silence of the room.

“Me too…” he muttered and looked at his love with pain in his eyes. He had more time to think through the possible consequences hundreds of times and tried to prepare himself for the worst. However, his heart was beating painfully in his chest because of the frightening insecurity of the situation. Jen could kill everything inside of him with just one sentence.

“I never wanted this” Dave looked into the green eyes “I believed that we were experienced enough to hide this. You were right… I went too far. I’m sorry.”

“The damage is done” Mart sighed and leant back in the armchair, lifting his gaze onto him absently.

“What’s on your mind?” Dave asked. He knew that it was in vain hoping that his mate’d come up with something. They can’t do anything – they have to wait.

“That everything depends on Jen now. We have to explain this to her. She cannot decide without knowing our story!” he sighed while a frightening pain started to crawl into his heart What if…?

“If this can save us…”

“It’s worth trying it…” he whispered and closed his eyes for a moment. Then he was just drinking in the sight of Dave. He wanted to go there and hide in his embrace and tell him finally that he had been dreading himself with this since months and he was thinking so hard to come up with a solution, but nothing came into his mind. And that he was afraid and he is still.

Cold emptiness filled Dave’s heart. He would have never thought that once he could depend on Jennifer this much. He felt as if he was waiting for his death sentence. Can he walk away free or not? He didn’t want her to leave him and he didn’t know how Jen could live with this knowledge – especially after telling her their story with Martin. He was scared. This was clear to see for Martin too and he hated to notice this fear on Dave, because it was the reflection of his own. He couldn’t bear it anymore! He stood up, hurried to the sitting Dave, fell onto his knees in front of him and bent his head down onto Dave’s thighs, hugging his waist tightly.

“Don’t be mad at me! I wanted to tell, but… I never did. I thought it’ll be better this way…”

Dave slowly dug his fingers into the blonde curls then bent down to place a kiss between them. Who knows how many times will he be able to do this?

“It’s okay…” he said quietly. He just wanted to enjoy the moment.

As an answer Martin hugged him even more then he changed his mind and pushed him back onto the sheets. This way his mouth was at Dave’s ear as he was still desperately hugging him. He had such emotional outbursts rarely, but this time he felt that something bad was coming and he didn’t want it to end with the thing he feared the most.

“If I lose you… I die…” he whispered hoarsely into Dave’s ear and his voice was barely audible.

Hearing this made Dave grab Martin’s T-shirt firmer as he hugged him tighter. It was as if he could prevent their separation this way.

“I’ve promised you that I’ll never leave you” he said huskily.

Martin’s heart sank and he had to concentrate awfully hard to hold his tears back.

“Yes, I remember.

“I’ll keep my word. I’ll stick up for you. Because I love you. You are a part of me.”

Mart’s heart was overflowing with emotions – he thought they’ll drown him, but he managed to pull himself together a bit and lifted his head, taking Dave’s face into his hands, looking into the open eyes.

“Whatever may come, I love you too. You’re a part of me as well, because I am you and you are me…”

Dave had to close his eyes in case he didn’t want his tears to run down on his face. He was so scared of losing Martin! And he had never told him how much he really loved him, how much he needed him!

Martin’s whole body was shaking and he was just caressing Dave’s face like there was no tomorrow. And maybe there wasn’t. They were waiting for the judgment like culprits, who still had a little hope left… But they couldn’t be sure.

“I love you…” Curly bent down to his lips and gave a quick kiss on it “No matter what’ll come, I love you so much…” he kissed him again, trying to show every emotions he had in this kiss.

Dave couldn’t say a word just returned the kisses the same way.

 

**\- Part 2 -**   
  


After a few hours Jen returned to the hotel room a bit calmer, she pulled herself together a bit. She hoped that by that time Dave was back too. She suspected that after her storming-out he hurried to Martin right away. She wasn’t stupid. She stepped into the room quietly and sized up from one glance that Dave wasn’t there yet. But she saw that the light was on in the bathroom. She put down her bag next to one of the armchairs and waited.

He washed his face with cold water. He had to think, he can’t let his emotions drive him – not this time. He staid like this for a few minutes then straightened up and reached for the towel, wiping off the last water-drops as well before walking out of the bathroom. He noticed the female figure in the armchair right away. He stopped for a moment then walked to Jen and sat down next to her.

“Why?”

“This isn’t this simple.”

“Then explain it!” she frowned.

Dave sighed then closed his eyes and leant back in his armchair “I badly want you to understand this!” he moaned plaintively “This has started so long ago… a long time before you came into my life… He and I… we lived through everything together – good and bad things as well – and we did the worst ones to each other. But this relationship never died, it lasted and made it to become even more special. We had to pay a lot to realize what we mean to each other… Martin was always by my side, he helped when I was in trouble. He’s very important to me” he looked at his wife.

“And I?” she had to swallow hard “How important am I for you? Just because now I feel like I’m getting less important… as if I was less than Martin!” she squeezed her own hands, which were resting on her lap.

“This isn’t true!” Dave protested “You’re my wife, the mother of my daughter and I love you! I always loved you since I know you. But Martin is different. You can’t compare the two relationships. You’re very important to me and I don’t want to lose you. This is why I was scared to tell you this. I was scared that you won’t be able to bear it. I wanted to protect you from this.”

“And this is why you rather lied to me through all these years, although we agreed that we’ll be honest to each other?” she had to hold herself back with all of her will and her voice was shaky from the suppressed anger. But with some difficulties she was able to calm herself more or less “What else haven’t you told me yet, David?”

“You know about everything else. But if I told you, would you have had the strength to handle it? And I couldn’t risk Martin’s family either with telling you this.”

“I don’t know, David. I have no idea” she squeezed her eyes shut for a few moments then hearing his last sentence, her hurt feelings had shown in her eyes “So you’ve thought that I’d run to Sue to gossip?!”

“No, not at all” he tried to calm his wife “But it was you who said that you wouldn’t have been able to handle this information. Maybe because of the shock you would have made wrong decisions and somehow Suz’d have got it too.”

“You don’t know me this much? Not knowing whether I was able to process this isn’t the same with obeying to an irresistible feeling and running to someone to talk things out! I’m not stupid, I keep such serious things to myself!”

“I’m sorry. You don’t know how stressful it is to keep this to yourself. If it came out… It’d mean the end of everything – Depeche Mode, our lives… I didn’t want you to live with this pressure as well.”

It seemed that from this Jen calmed down a bit, but the rigidness in her body and the pain in her eyes – the result of Dave’s distrust - stayed. After a few minutes of silent suffering she faltered out: “Do you love him?”

Dave looked deep into her eyes. He had to collect all of his courage to say it out loud: “Yes.”

“With love?” she tried to swallow, but her throat was too tight.

“Yes…” he said faintly and here he couldn’t bear looking into Jen’s eyes anymore.

She needed a few minutes – staring in front of her – to try processing the information and not starting to cry. Then she asked on a shaky tone: “Do you… do you love him more than me?”

“Why do you ask these things when you don’t want to know the answers?” he looked at her with a careworn expression.

“You don’t answer because you do… I see…” she looked away as the first teardrop ran down on her pale face.

“No, Jen. Just in another way. You can’t compare the two. I wouldn’t have married you, if I didn’t love you.”

A painful – nearly skeptic – smile ran through her face for a moment.

“So my rival is a man…” she stated.

“He’s not your rival” Dave shook his head “You see it in the wrong way.”

“Then how should I see it?” she looked up suddenly “Try to watch things from my point of view, David!” she raised her voice a bit “What the hell should I think? Why shouldn’t I think that I’m a failure as a wife?! Cuz you search for the thing I couldn’t give you elsewhere! Fuck!” she turned away again, wiping off her tears angrily and sniffed “Don’t you think I won’t feel less from this?! David, I always wanted the best for you and the kids. This is why I never wanted to intervene into this in vain… because I hoped that Martin will do good for your mental balance. But of course I couldn’t be sure, but I suspected that there’s something more between you two” here she risked another glimpse at her husband “But when I see that you’re depressed because of him, it’s a quite strong hint for me.”

“So this is why you took advantage of him and this relationship” Dave noted quietly “Jen, this have started 21 years ago. It’s not about you not being able to give me something, because it hasn’t started recently.”

Jen just nodded a little.

“But you have to know that even if I used Martin, I did it just to see you happy.”

“I’m happy, Jen. And I’m so scared what you’ll do with this.”

“What I’ll do with this?” she asked quietly, but it seemed that the question was rather for herself.

Her husband just nodded.

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t assume that this wasn’t a shock for you, that it isn’t frightening you or that you’re not grossing out. I want to know what you want to do… what will be with our future? Do you want to leave me?”

Jen was just sitting there with her teary eyes looking out of the window, thinking about what to do or say. Her mind disagreed with her heart in many things. She had to clarify these on her own after calming down a bit. Until that she won’t be able to say anything to her husband anyway…

“I don’t know it yet. This whole thing is still too blurred for me. Yes, it scared me and I’m confused. I need time. I have to clarify things. I love you, David, but I need time now…” she muttered the last sentence.

“I understand” he stood up “You’ll find me, no matter how you decide” he answered then walked to the door and closed it behind him.

Jen’s heart sank hearing the dead-calm answer of her husband, though she was the one who wanted to be alone and have some time for her thoughts. She couldn’t take it anymore and started sobbing.

 

\---

 

Dave didn’t know at all where he was going, just walked along the corridor then stopped too before he started crawling from wall to wall. He pressed his hands onto his forehead. The situation got very complicated and he didn’t want this… he never wanted this! Why is his life this complicated? Why have to be it this way? Why him? Why was it that the one he loved from the bottom of his heart wasn’t his wife? And why was he threatened of losing the most precious treasure he had? Cuz how many people can say that he’d found his mate? Even if it’s from his own sex? Despite having these feelings for Martin he didn’t feel that he was gay. Moreover, maybe he would have been happy if he was. In that case it would be easy for him to choose and find the solution for this situation! But no. No other man could touch him the way Mart did. And he’s attracted to women as well, he wants his wife too, but he wants Mart as well…

“Why is this so fucking complicated?” he asked out loud while making his circles from wall to wall.

After 20 minutes, coming back from the fitness room, Mart spotted him still crawling on the corridor. Curly had to do some exercises to get rid off some of the tension, or else he would have gone insane. His forehead was still glistening from sweat as he walked closer in his tracksuit, his towel over one of his shoulders.

“Dave…” he addressed him carefully “How did it go?”

“Awfully” he propped his hands on the wall “She doesn’t know yet what she’ll do. I’m scared that she won’t be able to handle this, Mart…” he looked up at him “And I don’t want to choose between you two.”

“Come!” he took him by the hand after looking around the hallway and pulled him towards his room. He didn’t say a word inside just led him into the bathroom and opened the tap to prepare a nice bath. “I guess she’ll want to be left alone for a while now, am I right?” he stepped to Dave and started undressing him with a soft expression.

A deep long sigh escaped Dave. This wasn’t the sigh of relief or lust. Rather the mixture of those feelings which broke loose inside of him: love, trust, that he has someone to rely on, who’s always on his side. This was a sigh of a 21 years long relationship.

Martin smiled at him reassuringly after pulling the sweater and the T-shirt over Dave’s head, starting to work on his belt. “Don’t worry. Give her time. The most important thing now is not to haste her. Let her process this on her own pace” he explained on a calmer tone. The exercises he’d done earlier did good for him. “And if she asks, answer straight” here he looked up into Dave’s eyes “You have to handle her very carefully now.”

“I’m so unsure” he looked into the adored green eyes. His voice was broken and weak. He just wanted to hide away from the world in Martin’s embrace.

“I know, I can see it” he stroked along his arm comfortingly “But let’s hope that we can get out the best from the situation” he took off the rest of Dave’s clothes as well then after a soft kiss he pulled down the zipper on his own sweatshirt and started undressing. Dave just watched his blonde mate getting rid off his clothes. After he was standing naked in front of him, he turned around and walked to the bath, checking the temperature of the water and put some bubble bath in it too. He felt Dave’s eyes on him during the whole process, but it didn’t bother him at all. After closing the tap he straightened up and turned towards his love, reaching out one hand “Are you coming, my sweet?”

Dave couldn’t resist and slid his fingers into Mart’s hand, letting him lead him to the tub. After they climbed into the nice warm and fragrant water, Mart pulled Dave to him and kissed him tenderly. He started washing him gently with the sponge to relax him a bit. Now that their relationship was in danger, he tried to show his tenderness and love in every form. He wanted him to feel, he wanted to say and show to Dave how much this love meant to him. Dave’s muscles slowly started to relax wherever Mart’s hands and soft touches wandered. He closed his eyes and enjoyed these small moves.

When he finished, he dove into the water to wet his hair then pulled Dave to him tighter, caressing his face and waiting until he opened his eyes.

“Everything’ll be fine.”

“I hope so” he smiled faintly and leant closer to steal a soft kiss.


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

  


 

Dave slowly opened his eyes. The early morning’s light got through the break of the huge balcony’s draperies and drew a thin golden line on the expensive wooden floor. He didn’t move – he wouldn’t have been able anyway: an arm was around his naked stomach, its owner breathing quietly into his neck as he nuzzled to his back, keeping him warm. The brunette smiled sweetly: he loved such nights. When they weren’t fighting for dominance and didn’t fulfill their dirty ideas just nuzzled to each other to talk into late night or just lay in the dark, enjoying each other’s company until they fell asleep. He didn’t want to give these things up. He belonged here, his mate knew his true self, all of his secrets, desires and thoughts. He loved him for himself and he couldn’t be grateful enough for this.

Martin murmured something in his dream about Dave and tightened his embrace unwillingly, tickling Dave’s nape with his messy curls as he moved his head too. Dave slightly lifted his head and tried to peek over his shoulder, but he didn’t want to wake up the blonde man, so he put his head back onto the pillow with a smile. He didn’t want to think about what he’ll do in case he has to leave him. And he was always afraid thinking about this and he tried not to, he just tried to save as many moments, feelings and touches as it was possible. Before this relationship he could never experience how pure love can be. He was just a kid – egoist, gassy and vain. Martin was the one who pulled him back to the ground, showing him that he had more inside and that he sees this. Maybe he was the only one who really could see him. He didn’t know why his wife loved him. He loved Jen, he needed her, he needed his family, a place he can call home and is full of life. But his love bound him, tied him with sweet chains and he was completely lost. Just when he got it did he realize that he always wanted this and the peace and happiness which came along with it.

After a few moments Martin moved again and this time he loosened his embrace and turned onto his back. He moaned quietly then started whining as – probably – he entered a nightmare. His body and face strained from the pictures and started shaking, muttering such things like “no you can’t take him away” or “no… don’t do it”

Dave turned towards Mart and gently touched his arm. He pulled himself up to his ear and whispered: “Mart, I’m here… I’m here with you… relax…” he breathed tenderly while he let go of his arm and softly ran his fingers through his curls.

The sleeping man’s careworn face turned towards the caressing hand immediately, but the creases on his forehead stayed. Although he was quieter now, he still whined.

“I’m here…” Dave repeated and carefully nuzzled to Mart so he could feel his body-heat and scent as well…

Mart jerked and came round. He didn’t know yet where he was, but his cloudy eyes started to search for Dave immediately. There was no need to search for too long, because his love bent halfway over him. Mart gave out a relieved sigh and closed his eyes for a moment. He put his arms around the naked upper-body without a word and buried himself into the tight embrace.

“Bad dream?” Dave asked.

“Yes…” he murmured somewhere by the singer’s neck.

“Will you tell me?”

“I’ve lost you” the painful whisper came.

“You know I wouldn’t let that happen” he answered with a faint smile.

Mart didn’t answer just nodded and inhaled Dave’s familiar scent deeply. He put his head back onto the pillow and looked up into the love-filled shining eyes “What is it? What are you looking at?”

But Dave said no words. His eyes drank in Martin’s sight.

“Wondering how much you mean to me….” his quiet reply came.

“And?” he smiled up at Dave, caressing his nape.

“Awfully lot” he closed his eyes “I can’t word it.”

“Then don’t think just kiss me…” he asked with a whisper, his eyes glistening.

Dave smiled and fulfilled his wish: driven by his emotions he leant down to kiss him.

 

\---

 

Jen was sitting in their flat in New York and was thinking hard. She took the kids to spend the night by their friends. She didn’t want them to see that a serious problem came up between their parents. The longer she was thinking about this, the more she was shocked and couldn’t figure out what to do with this knowledge. For 21 years… Dave was in love with a man for the last 21 years! This was shocking news for her. Knowing that the so much adored and “perfect” idol was doing this… For a very long time she considered herself very lucky when Dave proposed her. She knew that it won’t be easy with the singer, but she was prepared for the worst – women, the return of drugs and booze. She accepted that she won’t see her husband for a long while then all of a sudden it’ll be more than enough of him; that millions of envious women will look at her like dirt; that she’ll have to stomach a lot next to him. But it was worth it, because she loved him. Until now she thought that their marriage was working well despite the small hardships! And now suddenly the shocking truth came upon her: the way she saw things was far from truth. She didn’t even know whether she knew her husband or not! Does that Dave Gahan exist at all, whom she wed? Or the whole thing was just a lie? She was handy when he wanted to start his own family and create a calm, stabile background for himself?

She was totally confused. She didn’t know what to do or say to her husband. She became unsure about his feelings too. Were they true or he just got used to the comfortable and safe life next to her and he didn’t want to lose it? Were they the safe point in his life where he could run when he had a debate with Martin? Jen shivered. Because how could her husband love two person equally in the same time? Of course she knew that he had a huge heart and needs lots of love and he returns it gratefully, but…

She squeezed her eyes shut and buried her face into her hands. She wasn’t able to cry anymore. In the last few days she let the last few drops fall. But in the same time she was scared too. What’ll be with Dave if she separates them? Or that’d be the right step to take? Dave needs a normal life – he already got more than enough from abnormality. But what if she doesn’t know her husband… what if just Martin does and Dave shows just a picture to everyone else? Will he be able to love her? But he chased his desires long enough, didn’t he? She knew that her husband will never grow up, but she wanted him to take at least their family a bit more serious! It came into her mind what it’d be if this got out to the press… What’d they say to the kids? She was sure that even if this wasn’t the end of Depeche Mode, they’d attack them a lot. And a lot of fans would turn away from them because of their prejudices. Jen was trying hard not to be one of this judging category. She tried to accept the fact that her husband was bisexual. And this brought up the next question: which side did he prefer better? Women or men? Her or Martin? And if the latter then he lives with them because this is more accepted by society? No, she knew that Dave wasn’t such a man who bows for society’s expectations. He doesn’t protest against them the way Martin does, but he does things the way it suits him. So her man wanted this family from some reason. But why? Why does he need them if he has Mart, whom he loves – according to his confession? He’s in love with him.

No matter how hard Jen tried, she couldn’t imagine from Dave nuzzling to the blonde man, whispering sweet nothings into his ear, kissing him, embracing him just to be with him… no, her mind protested against this. Dave was her husband! And he said that he was happy this way. Happy… how? He “keeps” her and the kids to satisfy the needs he has towards them then he turns back to Martin? But she had to confess that when they weren’t in the studio or on tour, they didn’t meet too often and Dave’s happiness with his family looked genuine.

Her head started to ache from this much thinking so she stood up and opened the balcony’s door, sipping from her orange juice and letting in some fresh air to clear her head. Sooner or later she has to make her decision and have to face Dave. They have to talk this through. But not yet. There was still a lot to think about.

 

\---

 

Dave was standing silently in front of the window and was watching the Swedish cityscape – but he didn’t really see it. His wife hasn’t called since she’d left him there and this filled him with worry. His fears have been growing with every passing day. He retreated into his own little world where he was hoping for some protection, where he believed that he can put off making his decision. Thinking of this made his stomach flip over. Fear had eaten itself into his mind. He avoided the blonde man – he avoided everyone – anytime he could. When they asked him he answered, when he had to smile he smiled, but inside he was empty – dreadfully empty and cold.

It was useless for Martin trying to get closer to him – Dave shifted him off with every lame excuse he could think of. The situation reminded Martin badly to those times when the singer was just using him, playing with him. But now he didn’t want it either. He just closed himself up, keeping the distance. Though this was Martin’s way! But this time the blonde man didn’t behave like his nature would have dictated. He just wanted to hold on Dave, but he didn’t dare to show this too much. He was afraid that he’ll lose him; he was afraid that Jennifer will slowly pour poison into their relationship with keeping her husband and him in the dark. In the last few days the fear Martin felt has slowly turned into desperation and he felt that he won’t be able to take this for long. But of course during the years he’d learned how to put on his perfect mask. However, when he looked at Dave – who barely wanted to talk to him – his eyes revealed his feelings.

Mart was slowly freaking out. He couldn’t understand Dave’s behaviour – or rather he didn’t want to understand it. Surely he knew that in case Jen wants him to choose, they won’t have a mushy happy end, where he gets the neat prince and they walk away together into the sunset. No, reality was much more rational and cruel than this. Dave will choose Jen and his family and he’ll be alone. Again. He couldn’t bear this thought and tried to suppress it with all of his might. But this was why he couldn’t understand Dave either! Why was he wasting his time with closing up right now? Haven’t he lost enough years from their lives already? Years they could have shared? Why was he wasting his time? Why? Now when they could be still together! Though Martin didn’t know for how long. He didn’t know when will Jen decide to make a move, but at least until that he wanted to use up the time they had to the full. Hours? Days? Weeks? Months? He didn’t know. Everything was depending on her.

He couldn’t take it anymore. After the show was over – he looked quite closed and absent during it – he went up into his room to take a shower and after a few cigarettes and some crawling he took the leap. In a few minutes he was already knocking on Dave’s door.

Dave walked to the door mechanically and opened it. When he saw Martin, his eyes didn’t show anything – just the way his irises darkened a bit had shown that he wasn’t expecting a visit from him.

“We have to talk!” he put his right hand onto the door, making himself ready in case Dave wanted to slam the door shut.

“I’m busy” Dave said on an unusual cold tone. He’d noticed that Martin couldn’t handle the situation better either, but he just couldn’t bear being near to him. It hurt so badly!

“Leave your fucking excuses, Dave” he pushed the door in with the first sparkles of anger in his eyes, and pushing the singer backwards a bit he let himself into the room “This can’t go on like this anymore!” he turned towards him after a few steps.

Dave closed the door with dead-cold calmness and slowly turned around to look Mart in the eye “Let me hear your little monologue, let’s get over with this.”

“Let’s get over with this? LET’S GET OVER WITH THIS?!” he rose his voice at the end, while his heart painfully sank from the pain “How can you tell me this?” his voice failed him as he was standing there in disbelief.

Dave looked onto the floor as if he was ashamed. He remained silent for a long while then said: “This way it will hurt less when it ends” he whispered very-very quietly.

“Ends?” he repeated hoarsely and watched the singer prostrated “You think this gonna end sometime? Because I don’t think so. Our lives are way too mingled… we love each other too much…. or at least I do…” he became unsure at the end when it came up in his mind that maybe Dave didn’t love him that deep as he did.

“Or at least you do?” Dave repeated “You think that I don’t feel anything for you? Anything? For me this situation is like someone is cutting deeper and deeper into my flesh, tearing it out! I’m fucking scared, I’m worried about you and fuck I don’t want to live without you!” Dave broke out with fierce emotions at the end.

“But then… what good is it in pushing me away again?! Now, when I finally opened up for you?!” he lead himself on, rising the volume “Now when I’m this fucking vulnerable?! When I bared my soul and heart to you?! I know you’re scared! I’m scared too! But you’re hurting me again, Dave, and IT FUCKING HURTS!!” he shouted then as if it was cut, he stopped.

“And you?! You did the same to me for years!” Dave quirked “You have been doing it for FUCKING 10 YEARS, MART! What do you think how did it feel?! So fucking great?! Or those things during Devotional – those were just coincidences, huh?!” he pointed his index-finger on him as if he was able to transmit his anger like this “YOU have pushed me into these things and you didn’t give a shit what was with me!”

“It was unintended, you jerk! We’ve discussed this earlier! I didn’t know about your true reasons! After you came back from death and we’ve finished Ultra, I wasn’t willing to risk my life and family, which I was barely able to resettle, just for you! You were an arrogant ass and I didn’t know whether you were able to change!” here he took a deep breath “Yes, you’ve changed… And I fell in love with you again!” his irises were swirling from anger and the loose emotions: desperation, love, desire and pain.

“Sure, cuz Dave Gahan was always just an emotionless, arrogant ass and will always stay one, right?! Just you can suffer, you sensitive, weak, abnormal and sick soul – yes you are one, you just never had the courage to admit it even to yourself!” Dave shouted, but after the words left his mouth, his anger disappeared and was replaced by fear “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…”

The blonde man’s upper-body moved slightly forward as pain hit the middle of his chest, thanks to Dave’s words. His eyes filled up with such clear disappointment and hurt feelings, which Dave wasn’t able to watch for more than a few seconds. He’d hurt him deeply… again. Mart felt as if Dave marched into his soul not just alone, but with a whole army. He was just standing there without a word, frozen to the spot where the words hit him and looked at Dave with his lips pressed together. His heart was bleeding.

“Mart…” Dave said faintly, cuz he saw the pain in the green eyes. He stepped towards him and reached out one hand to touch him.

“Do you really see me like this?” he asked on a painfully quiet and broken tone.

“No! Don’t be mad at me, I was angry… I didn’t mean it like that…” he looked at him begging.

“Then how did you mean it, David?” he shook off his hand.

“I, I just… It always looked for me that you didn’t take the things I went through seriously… cuz you were never able to understand and forgive my mistakes.”

“Dave…” he closed his eyes and shook his head in disbelief before looking at him again “How many times should I tell the opposite of this? If I haven’t forgiven you, I wouldn’t be here with you now, I wouldn’t love you this much. If I didn’t take these things serious, then I wouldn’t felt that I was dying when I’ve seen you lying there broken in the hospital… You do this on purpose?”

“But still you bring these things up and rub them under my nose how great the pain was I caused to you! Why?”

“For the same reason you hurt me!” he was staring at Dave’s chest.

“Why do we do this to each other?” he asked.

“Because of self-defense, I guess… When one of us is freaking out, we want to cause the same amount of pain to the other. Or do I see things in the wrong way?”

“No. I defend myself so you can’t cause me more pain. Because you are the one who can really do that. I don’t want more pain” he closed his eyes “I just want you.”

“Then don’t push me away again… please!” Mart’s throat felt so tight again as he looked up into Dave’s eyes with a lustful and vulnerable expression. He was standing there with his bare soul and it was up to Dave to decide whether he’ll lift it, or stomp on it, shattering him completely.

“What do you want me to do? I’m so scared! I can’t take this anymore… the question ‘why?’ is always on my mind! Why had this happen this way? Sometimes it comes to my mind, that maybe it’d be easier if I wasn’t married…”

“No, Dave, you’ve put a lot of work into that relationship, you can’t throw your family away!” he stepped to him and took Dave’s face between his hands, so he had to pay attention on him “Look at me! If there’s someone here who has to step aside, then I’ll be the one” he said quietly but deliberately.

Dave’s face turned into a painful grimace hearing this and the glistening of his eyes showed that he was fighting with his tears “Noooo” he whined “Don’t do this to me! You’re my everything! What… am I without you? Please, don’t kill me!”

“No, Dave, listen to what I’m trying to say: if you have to choose, you have to choose them!” he said and didn’t let Dave free himself from his grip. Mart tried to keep up the façade of firmness to give some strength to his unsure love. “I’ll be okay” he lied quietly.

Dave grabbed Mart’s T-shirt firmly “I need you, don’t you see?!” he said in time with the first teardrops which slowly ran down his face.

“If it turns out that way, I’ll be here. I won’t disappear from your life…” he swallowed hard “… because we’ll work together.”

The brunette couldn’t say anything to this just closed his eyes and sobbed silently.

“Hey… hey…” he called him softly after he was able to swallow his tears back “Maybe things aren’t lost yet, Dave! It’s possible that everything’ll be fine and Jen gives us an answer which’ll be good for all of us!” he tried to comfort the man in front of him, not letting him to turn away.

“And what do you think, how high chances do we have for that?” he asked hoarsely.

“I don’t know, but hope’s the last one to die, huh?” he caressed his face, wiping away his tears with it. It hurt seeing his love this broken.

“I wouldn’t be able to leave you…” he whispered.

Mart just sighed, but remained silent. He couldn’t say anything. He knew, he felt that this conversation wasn’t leading them to anywhere. They were helpless and made no progress. They had to wait. And this waiting drove him crazy, made him tense and edgy… and desperate…. He didn’t want to lose Dave. He wouldn’t have been able to work with him without being able to touch and love him! That’d be cruel. He didn’t know what to do now, but he felt that there was no chance that he’ll leave this room now. And he didn’t want it either. He wouldn’t be able to leave the singer here on his own.

“I love you…” he whispered as he desperately tried to keep up the mask of steadiness. He wiped away Dave’s fresh tears and slowly bent to him to give a soft kiss onto the trembling lips. For a few moments he stayed motionless then pulled back a bit just to give him another bittersweet kiss. He was kissing the broken singer like this for long minutes. Dave was hanging to him as if his life was depending on it. He didn’t want to let him go, he wanted to stay like this forever! He returned the kisses hastily to suck as much from Mart’s presence into him as it was possible.


	13. Chapter 13

 

  


 

 **Recommended song:** London After Midnight – _Heaven Now_

 

**Chapter 13**

 

After a few minutes the blonde man broke their long kiss and pulled back a bit from Dave to moan into his mouth: “I want you! I want you… now…” he grabbed his love’s T-shirt by his side nearly painfully firmly.

Instead of words Dave answered with a passionate and long kiss, enjoying the feel of Mart’s skin lingering on his fingers. His mate shivered and let himself get lost in it. Every cell of his body screamed for Dave, his body crawled all over. Dave - with the help of his palms – drank in the heat of the other man’s body as he pulled him closer, pressing himself against Curly. He wanted to feel him more than anything!

Martin wanted more! A little voice in his head was yelling “MORE! MORE! MORE!”. He nearly set upon the body in front of him and he didn’t care, he just wanted to feel his lips and touches on his own. Dave became hungrier, his touches and kisses turned more urgent and moved toward Mart’s neck, tasting his skin with his tongue. In his pleasure Mart moaned on the ceiling and his hands unwillingly sneaked under Dave’s T-shirt by his waist to deeply scratch along the warm skin. From this the sharp teeth bit into his skin. Another throaty moan escaped Mart’s mouth, trying to push Dave away a bit so he could pull the T-shirt over his head. Dave – even if it was difficult by now – obeyed and in turn he attacked Mart’s pullover too, dragging it off of him. Finally he bent back to the pampered surface and started tasting the blonde man going lower and lower.

“You’re so incredibly tasty…” he whispered glimpsing up for a moment “I’d die, if I wasn’t able to savor you again” he said then went on.

Martin’s heart jumped from this sentence and without thinking he let his fingers dug into Dave’s hair, giving him a sad smile.

“And I’d die, if I wasn’t able to feel your lips on my skin anymore…” he sighed.

“I fade away without you” he whispered onto Mart’s stomach then his fingers slid onto the belt.

He had to close his eyes from this to hold the tears back from falling. He felt the same, but he was afraid that he’d collapse in the moment he opens his mouth, so he remained silent. He rather let Dave undo his belt and pull his trousers down then he stepped out of it.

“Come here” Dave said with a lopsided smile as he pulled down his underwear too and spotted his favorite body part.

Mart couldn’t stop a smile as he stepped closer to Dave.

“Tell me… what plans do you have with him?” he asked quietly.

“What do you think?” came the reply then he gave a peck on Mart’s lower-tummy before slowly sliding his mouth onto the semi-hard cock.

Its owner sighed and bent his head back then he slowly looked down to let every moment burn into his mind. He was caressing the soft hair while watching his rapidly hardening member becoming the singer’s plaything. Dave used the well-known moves – his fingers formed a ring around him and he attacked Mart from below as well, meanwhile looking straight into the green eyes. Martin went crazy from the sight! He went nuts from this man with all of his beauty and caducity. He didn’t know what he would do without him…

“Dave…” he half-moaned, half-whispered. A shiver ran down his spine from this glimpse. He wanted to taste him too, so he grabbed his hair a bit firmer, signaling to let him go. “Come into bed…” he murmured hoarsely.

He let him go, but couldn’t stop himself, he had to lick along the bottom of Mart’s member then he stood up and pulled his lover to the bed. His mate gently undressed Dave then made him lay down onto the sheets before he joined him. Mart was lying on his side now, continuing their intimate kiss. The brunette was just drinking in the emotions and his hands were restlessly wandering on Martin’s body. He could have cried from the sweet feelings.

The blonde man was listening to Dave’s ragged breaths as the desire awoke in him. As he was lying on his side, halfway bent over Dave, he let his hand slowly slide along the warm chest, palpating the madly beating heart. His fingertips barely touched the skin - which was covered in goose bumps - lower on the taut stomach.

Dave’s muscles tensed from the touches. He nearly went insane, he could barely wait for Martin to grab him. His lover looked deeply in his eyes: he wanted to see his love’s look when his fingers find him. He loved the feel, the hardness of it. He loved knowing that it waits just for him, that this beautiful man was turned on just because of him… He grabbed him gently and slowly started pumping it. He was already wet from his pre-cum. Dave’s eyes turned into black then threw his head back, moaning into the air, his muscles softly tensing onto his bones.

His lover enjoyed the sight then gave a tender kiss onto his lips, just to move along his jaw-line and neck, licking his collarbones then slowly reaching one of the small nipples. He lecherously licked around it then started softly biting and sucking on it. He knew that his mate’ll go crazy from this. But of course meanwhile his hands were busy too: in time with one if his bites one hand slid lower to reach behind his balls and find the well-known platinum ring and when he bit harder onto the nipple between his teeth, he slid the ring onto his finger and gently pulled on it.

Dave gave out a feral yell. The sensual pain, the love and the lust pounced on him in the same time and he couldn’t take it anymore. The muscles on his neck became more visible and his veins drew a design on them as he cried out on the top of his voice. It was music for Martin’s ears and he had to let out a longing and satisfied groan as his rock-hard erection touched Dave’s thigh. He couldn’t stop himself, he had to start gently rubbing himself to the singer. This way he could get more pleasure for himself as well.

As if he got some order, Dave’s hand started searching for the hard cock immediately. Martin panted onto Dave’s hot chest and had to close his eyes when he could finally feel the long fingers on him again. He looked up with his cloudy eyes to make eye-contact with him. He watched him panting and as another wave of his emotions washed over him, three words left his mouth quietly: “Hurt me, Dave!”

“Are you serious?” the dark eyes glinted.

He nodded and felt that his eyes were still deeply open “Yes, my sweet… I want you to mark me” he swallowed hard “To have your signs on my body… to know that I belong to you.”

“Why? Didn’t you know it until now?” the reply came with a dangerous smile as Dave was eying Mart’s body, as if he wanted to decide which part would taste the best.

He didn’t answer. He wanted to call forth Dave’s beast to tear him up. He wanted the singer not to hold back, to release everything he had hidden inside. He wanted to feel that dark, wild, inhuman energy radiating from him, washing over Mart’s body, burying him, leaving him without future, hope or light.

The singer found the surface he fancied this time and pounced like a snake, biting between the ribs forcefully, feeling the bones between his teeth. He even tousled them a bit, intensifying the pressure until his leopard-like teeth broke the skin and he felt the sweet metallic taste. He had to growl hungrily from this. Martin howled from the mixture of sharp pain and pleasure and unwillingly grabbed Dave’s hair with one hand, trying to pull his head back a bit. But Dave growled and with a forceful movement he pinned the hand to the mattress as he tore it away from his hair. He liked listening to his cries as he was suffering from the pain, as he ruled him, as he tore him into pieces… and now he won’t show any mercy, now he won’t hold back.

Martin panted from anticipation. It was quite a while ago since he had seen Dave like this. He could spot his other self as it glided behind the dark gaze as a black shadow again and again, getting closer to the surface with every moment, as if the beast winded. And yes… when Mart looked at the full lips, he saw that they were smeary from his blood. He knew what he had to do to get more: he tried to put up a fight against his mate’s steel grip, playing the trapped prey’s role willingly. Dave pulled away from the sweet wound, licked the blood off of his lips and put nearly his whole weight onto his hand, which pinned Martin down, pressing him into the mattress.

“Stay still!” he ordered on his deep, growling tone.

“No!” he faltered out, still squirming under him, trying to break free.

But his mate didn’t let it. He sat onto Curly’s hips and the fingers of his free hand found his neck, grabbing and pressing it slightly. He bent down to Mart’s lips and whispered his order onto them again.

He gasped for air, but wasn’t taken aback. Not yet! Because he knew how hot this demonic figure over him could get from this, and he wanted Dave – maybe for the last time – to get free from his restraints completely, and live just for the moment. He was his prey willingly.

“No!” the next protest came and he squeezed Dave’s wrists firmly

Dave’s beast squealed, but just the singer heard it. Just his eyes filled up with more fire as he let Martin’s neck go and grabbed both of his wrists with one hand. He gave him a devilish smile and licked his own upper-lip. He was about to gorge himself.

His heart jumped up into his throat, his pulse was awfully quick. He thought his blood will boil in any minute from this look. Another wave of blood ran down to his groin from anticipation and from that little fear he always felt when he was with Dave this way, when he let his beast get this close to him. But now there was no turning back. Dave leant to Mart’s skin and first tasted it with his tongue, sometimes sucking it between his teeth. The blonde man sighed from the luscious feeling, but knew that he had to prepare himself for the next outburst, and his rock-hard cock twitched painfully from this thought. Dave moved towards the soft stomach slowly. He couldn’t wait to sink his teeth into that just to hear the painful yells again. He let go Martin’s wrists, which turned white from his grip, so now he could slide lower, reaching his temporary goal. He inhaled deeply, the tip of his tongue touched the surface for a moment then he couldn’t take it anymore – the sharp teeth snapped and disappeared in the warm softness.

The silence of the half-lit room was broken by Martin’s painful yell again. Dave didn’t care, he was biting the skin greedily, sucking the blood out of it till the last drop. When the free way of his food was blocked, he tore another wound on him just to leap on it eagerly like a wolf, which digs the bloody meat with his nose in his ecstasy, just gulping the mouthfuls. He knew that Mart’s voice got out of the room, cuz after all he had quite a range of voice and now he used it out in 100%. But Dave didn’t rush – he was greedy but didn’t fluster. He bit every possible surface of the skin over the insides, leaving bloody wounds behind him.

Martin – from the ecstasy of pain and pleasure – was in kinda trance and he didn’t care anymore what this wild beast was doing to him, he was just howling as loud as he could. Strangely he felt himself this good a long time ago. He’d missed the feeling as Dave completely reigns over all of his senses and body. The singer’s painful path came to an end when he reached the lowest point of Martin’s tummy. He pulled his sharp teeth back. As a sharp contrast with the previous pain, he took Mart into an unbelievably wet hotness.

His senses were on high and from this sudden change his whole body jerked and goose bumps covered his skin. He didn’t care about his throbbing and bleeding wounds, he focused only on the flames of pleasure. From their heat he felt as if his flesh peeled off of his bones, burning into flagrant ashes in the wreathing storm of passion, which was straining and straining his body towards Dave.

Dave glimpsed up on Curly’s face, while steadily doing his job, sucking on the cock, which filled his mouth, with pleasure. His tortured lover was already totally out of his mind and was moaning without any break, grabbing the sheet – he knew that it was dangerous to touch Dave now, cuz he could react erratically. He wasn’t able to pull himself together enough to look down at him, though he wanted to do it badly. With eyes squeezed shut tightly, not paying too much attention, he dug his finger into one of the burning wounds so the pleasure could mix with sweet pain again.

Dave placed his hands on Mart’s thighs, digging his fingers into them as he put his weight on them, giving more space with this to his head. He used the opportunity and played with the member in his mouth more intensely. Now his teeth touched it too, scratching the upper layer of the skin.

The blonde man rattled inarticulately and his whole body strained. With much difficulty he collected the rest of his sanity and lifted his head, focusing on the singer with his glistening, cloudy and swirling eyes. The tone he used was nowhere close to his original one:

“Please, Dave…. Pleeease…” he tore out the words from his dry throat.

Dave broke away from Mart.

“What do you want? Say it!” he ordered. He wanted him to say his topmost wish aloud.

“I… I… want you… to finally fuck me!” he panted in agony.

“Maybe I can fulfill that… if you ask me” his green – nearly black – eyes flashed.

“Please!!” the reply came without hesitation.

Dave mused then “No” he answered coldly.

“No! Dave! Please!” he looked at him desperately and grabbed one of his arms.

“No. Until you won’t ask me more nicely.”

“Pretty please!” he whimpered.

“What’d you do for it?” Dave smiled darkly.

“What do you want? Ask anything!” he panted and couldn’t stop his hips from moving.

Dave crawled to Mart’s ear and whispered into it: “Stay with me…”

The blonde man gasped for air and his whole body froze. He didn’t see Dave’s quiet demand coming. The sharp swift dragged him down from the heights of dirty pleasures. Dave’s sentence shot right into the middle of his painfully throbbing heart. He didn’t dare to look at him. He barely dared to move at all.

“Promise me this… please” he looked him into the eye.

“You know that I’ve already promised this… don’t you remember?” he swallowed hard, but nothing wet his dry throat.

“But I want to hear it again. Make me believe it… even if it’s not true.”

His love looked deeply into his eyes and examined the endless depth of it for a few minutes.

“I promise… again.” But Martin knew that both of them were clear with it that it wasn’t sure that they’d be able to keep their word.

Now Dave didn’t want to think about such things, he just believed the words. He started a passionate kiss, leaning onto his forearms next to Mart’s shoulders. He wanted him so badly!

“Love me, Dave! Please…” he put his arms around the singer’s back and because of a sudden wave of desperation he hugged him so tightly that his nails dug into the warm skin “I beg you!”

Hearing his demand Dave quickly wet Martin and started penetrating him. He needed no help, he was still rock-hard.

“Straddle, you bitch!” Dave moaned while he slid into him slowly.

Martin obeyed without a word and pulled his lover even closer – nearly panting into his face. He knew that he was getting closer and closer and couldn’t stop his hand, which grabbed his own cock. This made him cry out again. Dave’s back-muscles tensed as he picked up the rhythm and bent down until he could moan into Martin’s ear.

The owner of the sweaty body was out of his mind again within a few moments. He moved his hand on his rock-hard cock wildly, while he was clinging to Dave painfully tightly. He needed him so badly! By this time his moans got plaintive as the tears started to silently flow from his eyes.

Dave looked down at him and spotted them. He bent down to console him with his kisses, while his hips moved sensually and time after time he had to break away from Martin to groan.

The blonde man – without any warning – cried out loud as his whole body tensed and welcomed the long-awaited orgasm, shooting his load onto the moving singer’s stomach. He wouldn’t have been able to hold himself back any longer. From this Dave had to throw his head back and groaned loudly, cuz Martin’s sphincter squeezed him painfully, stopping him from every move, but the grab eased up soon and he got a green light again. He couldn’t take it anymore – he wanted relief right away! He accelerated his speed, which turned into a kind of animalistic rape. Martin didn’t protest, but if he did, Dave wouldn’t have given a damn – if he has to do it, he’d rape him. Now he concentrated fully on himself as he growled and was moving wildly, faster and faster until he fell off the cliff and his body arched and he was cumming without a word.

Mart’s hand slid on the sweaty back and let it rest on the singer’s waist. He just watched as his love came for him. The sight was beyond expression as Dave leaned over him, as the veins stuck out nearly painfully on his skin, as the light glinted on his sweat drops… He saved every moment into his mind again. No matter what’ll come, he’ll always remember the color of his flushed skin, the tattooed arms shaking from the feeling he just experienced, the closed eyes and the face, which was distorted from the pleasure he felt. He found his lover so beautiful that his tears found their way into the pillow again.

After the moments of ecstasy were over, Dave collapsed onto Martin panting. His wet hair stuck to his forehead, he was gasping for air, his throat was dry, his arms were shaking, but he could say just one thing:

“I love you…” he whispered faintly then buried his head into the soft neck.

His mate couldn’t take it anymore: he nuzzled to the singer even more as his sobbing burst out of him. Dave couldn’t do anything else just held him tight. He couldn’t console him, because he felt the same.

Mart thought that it’d be useless to say anything to his sweaty lover. Everything they could express with words had been told. But he couldn’t hold back his tears, they were flowing freely. The whole act had a “smell of goodbye” and he hated this! He couldn’t take it! His whole body was shaking as he hung to his only one support. The brunette man let his fingers sink in the blonde curls then – as tightly as it was possible – embraced him, and he never wanted to let him go.

Martin moaned silently as the salty sweat started burning his open wounds, but this pain was nothing compared to the one tearing him apart from the inside. He panted his pain into Dave’s shoulder for long-long minutes. He had to suppress it for so long, but now he let it flow out, hoping that it’ll bring some relief.

His lover pulled back a bit and bent onto Curly’s lips with all of his love. Mart’s face was tear-stained as he returned the kiss greedily, sniffing, his whole body shaking. He let all of his guards fall. Just he was lying under Dave naked, lost in the whirlwind of his emotions and he wanted to stay there forever.


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

  


 

Jen was sitting on the sofa quietly and a bit troubled, looking from one man to the other. They were in the two ends of the room. Her husband was by the window, playing with the curtain like someone who felt guilty and Martin stood by the opposite wall, leaning against it, his arms folded in front of his chest, looking at the singer with worry in his eyes. In this nerve-breaking, heavy silence she was waiting for someone to finally talk.

“So… you two were the ones who wanted to have this common conversation…” she noted and tried to sound neutral.

“We’d like you to understand, before… before you decide parting us…” Dave said to the curtain. He was so nervous that there was no chance for him to keep the eye-contact.

“I’m listening…” she looked from him to Mart and back.

The blonde man had a dark expression and remained silent for now, watching where the situation was going. He was prepared for helping Dave if he needed, but he still felt that first of all Jen and Dave had to get through with this.

Dave sighed “What do you think about this whole situation?”

“To be frank this freaks me out” she frowned.

The brunette just glimpsed at Martin, whose pulse jumped hearing her reply. It filled him with worry.

“You wanted to keep this as a secret forever, right?” Jen faltered out, looking at her husband.

“I had no choice.”

“Really?!” she narrowed her eyes, which flashed with a painful light “I thought that we are honest to each other… You knew about it when I slept with someone else… But you have been hiding such an important and deep relationship from me.”

“But after all this is something else!” Dave exclaimed, but forced himself to calm down. He can’t let the nervousness and fear getting under his skin. “Tell me, how would you react if I told you at the beginning of our marriage that ‘Hey, Martin is my lover and what is more I’m in love with him’? And next to this I couldn’t act with a high hand regarding this, cuz after all it was about the two of us. He understands me in a way you can’t. He knows what’s in me and accepts it. He knows my deepest fears and secrets. He’s a part of me.”

“So you say that I was never worthy enough for you to share these things with me, right?!” her heart sank and her deep pain reflected in her brown eyes.

“Why? What would you have done with it?” her husband asked quietly “I know how you’d have reacted.”

“Now I’m not talking about your relationship, but about your fears and other secrets! Because I guess you have more! You think that I would not have been able to understand you?!” she exclaimed desperately. So her husband distrusted and misread her this much? “Me?! I, who helped you when I could?! Who accepted your fucking craps and understood them during all these years?!”

“I don’t say that you didn’t help a lot and endure a lot of my crazy stuff! But what’d have you done with my shadows? Huh?”

“Your shadows…? What are you talking about, David?” she looked at him confused.

“Show her!” Dave asked, while looking straight onto his wife.

“Dave… I don’t think…” Martin started protesting, but the singer interrupted him…

“Do it!” he looked at him firmly. He wanted Jen to see it, to face it.

Martin didn’t think that this was a brilliant idea, but finally he did what he was told. It would have been useless to put up a fight – at the end Dave would have come to him to drag off his T-shirt, which’s edge he grabbed with his pullover and with a bitter taste in his mouth he pulled them up a bit, revealing the healing wounds on his stomach and chest.

Jen gasped for air. The blonde man looked as if something had attacked him. His whole upper body was full of dark and large purple bruises. Where the edges of the injuries reached together there was a bloodshot, in the size of Jen’s palm. And between two ribs it looked like there was a smaller hole – as if someone forcefully tore the skin open until he reached the raw flesh.

She couldn’t take the sight for long, she had to turn away “You… you did this to him?” she moaned raggedly.

“Yes. And? Would you have been able to handle this? You want my whole personality? This goes along with it!”

“David…” she moaned in disbelief. It wasn’t a new thing to her that Dave liked rough sex – a few times he finished her off enough that she had to use make-up on some of her body parts for days. But she wouldn’t have thought that he was into it this much… The thing he did to Martin… it blocked her. One shock came after the other and she felt that it was getting too much for her. “Who are you?” she whispered towards Dave, but it seemed that she rather asked herself.

“This is why I didn’t tell” he turned and walked to Martin, who meanwhile covered his bruises. Dave had to feel his presence.

The blonde man watched Jen with worry in his eyes. She was clearly shocked and tried to press the next sentence through her teeth and anger.

"Maybe it’d have been better to sit down and talk about it…” Martin noted carefully.

“The time is here” Jen answered looking at Curly “What’s Dave to you? What do you feel for him?”

For a moment Mart collected his thoughts then began talking “It’s difficult to explain, Jen. We caused a lot of pain to each other during the years, but we always found our ways back to the other, we couldn’t break away. For a long while there was nothing between us, because… because I’ve got fed up and didn’t let Dave close to me. But as you know by now since then… I could say that Dave is my life – just like Depeche – but of course from a different perspective, but… I’m not sure you wouldn’t find it a cliché. Though it’s true. What do you think how many Depeche songs are about our relationship?” he asked quietly at the end. Jen looked at her husband.

“David, what do we mean to you? We… your family?” she asked quietly “Because it seems to me that lately we were talking just about what Martin means to you…”

“You are a part of my life. Martin too. I love you very much – you and the kids – and would do anything for you.”

“Anything?” Jen raised one brow in disbelief.

Dave didn’t answer. He wasn’t entirely sure about this question… because he didn’t want to sacrifice Martin for anything and he hated himself for this.

“Well?” she asked, suggesting her husband with her eyes to give her an answer.

Martin felt danger and was about to chime in when Dave – not noticing this – finally talked.

He closed his eyes and answered on a low tone: “Anything…”

Martin had to swallow hard from this, frightened from Jen’s reaction. She was sitting there in silence for a minute, but it was clearly visible on her face that she was thinking hard, putting the information to their places. Slowly she looked up at them. Dave hated the way she did this, he saw the thoughts forming in her mind about them touching and loving each other… Finally Jen looked away and said on a broken tone:

“And you had this even when we met? When you said you loved me? You proposed me while you were in love with Martin?!” she looked up at her husband with the tears of anger, pain and disappointment in her eyes.

“At that time… we didn’t speak… for a while” he looked down at the floor, scratching the armchair’s drape with his nail as he was standing behind it.

“At that time? At that time?! You mean that you’ve got back to him during our marriage?!”

Dave cleared his throat and risked a glimpse at his angry wife, but looked away immediately. On the whole he acted like a little boy, who did something wrong and now it was confession time.

“Yes… we got back together during the… previous… tour” he scratched his nape.

“What is that I couldn’t give you, David? What else would have you needed to stay with me?” she asked nearly desperately.

“Jen, please!” he looked her in the eye and was about to go there and sit down next to her, but seeing her eyes he got just a few steps far “Don’t blame yourself! These… these two things are completely different. I get something else from you and something else from him” he looked at her begging.

“Don’t blame myself?!” she exclaimed despondently “Touch him!” she looked at Martin.

“Why should I touch him?” Mart frowned confused, not moving.

“I want to see it! Do it, please!”

The musician felt uncomfortable as he turned away from Jen to Dave and walked to him. From her burning gaze he felt as if reaching his love took long hours. He watched the singer’s slightly confused, tense and nervous face. He didn’t want to see him like this. He wanted to wipe away the fear and negative feelings so he could see him carefree again. Now he wanted to touch him unwillingly to let him feel that he was there with him, that Dave can count on him, no matter what may turn out of this. He stopped two or three steps away from him and slid his hand onto Dave’s, which was still grabbing the headrest of the armchair.

Dave looked into the green eyes. He was filled with fear and insecurity, but as he looked into the calmly glistening irises, for a few moments he forgot every problem he had. His muscles relaxed, his poise changed and for a moment his eyes showed everything he felt for Mart: that pure and true love, acceptance, understanding, calmness and safety he always felt when he was with him. And this was all Jen needed to see. She half-moaned and turned away, burying her face into her palms and forcing herself not to start sobbing. She couldn’t bear the sight, but not because she was disgusted. Dave never looked at her like this. Never! She’d be the happiest woman in the world, if she got a fragment of this look, but it didn’t matter how hard she tried to live up to Dave’s expectations, she could never hope for such emotions.

Martin – like someone caught – let go of Dave’s hand when he heard Jen’s moan, but he couldn’t stop himself: he had to stroke along his hand once more. Then he turned towards the woman, signaling to Dave that maybe he should go and console her. He felt that his presence was unwelcome and useless now – it’d indicate just more tension.

Dave looked back at him helplessly, but didn’t say a word, just let Martin turn around and quietly and unnoticed leave the room. The singer felt terribly alone. His ‘backup’ had disappeared and he didn’t know what to say to his wife. Finally he walked to her, crouched and quietly said: “Jen… baby…”

She was able to pull herself together just after a few minutes. She lowered her hands from her face and looked into Dave’s eyes careworn. The painful and deep bitterness was throbbing in her brown eyes.

“Don’t be mad at me. I can’t do anything against it…” he touched her gently.

But his wife pulled away from his hand and as she closed her eyes, she turned her head away too, still trying to process the previous deep glimpse between the two men – with not much success. Somehow she felt as if she had lost against Martin… that he had such an advantage over her by Dave which she will never be able to make up for…

“Please, leave me alone for a few hours” she asked hoarsely, still fighting with her tears “I have to think.”

Dave just nodded and stood up. From the door he looked back at the broken woman once more, shivered and left the room. He headed for his own. As he stepped in, he saw his blonde mate standing in the middle, his gaze wandering nervously on the walls. But when he heard Dave’s arrival, he turned towards the door. The brunette just lost it and with two long steps he was already in front of Martin. He took him into his arms without a word and buried his face as deep into Martin’s neck as possible.

Curly hugged his taller love with the same élan. Both of them felt that this conversation didn’t go well. Martin thought that Dave came too early after him so he suspected that he wasn’t able to talk too much with Jen. He was curious what’d happened after he had left the room, but didn’t say a word, just held Dave close to him. He knew that he’ll tell it after a while, when he pulls himself together. But Dave remained silent – he didn’t want to think about the last minutes or the future, he just drank in the feel of Martin’s touch, scent and presence. He wished time would stand still!

After a few minutes Martin moved to pull back a bit. He took Dave’s face into one of his hands and gave him a soft kiss on the lips, while his other hand’s fingers interwove with Dave’s.

The singer returned the kiss then whispered into his ear: “You have to know that I love you more than anything. You’re a miracle in my life.”

Mart smiled softly “But you don’t believe in miracles, don’t you remember?” he hinted onto one of Dave’s songs

“You disproved me” he smiled.

“Wow, then I’m good…” he caressed his face then pulled Dave towards the couch to sit down.

But the dark-haired man wanted more – he wanted to get even closer to Martin. As close as it was possible, so he slowly climbed into his lap. This way more of his body could feel the warmth of Martin. Curly was more than keen to welcome this closeness. His hands were caressing Dave’s back reassuringly as he pulled him even closer, letting the singer put his head on his shoulder, while he felt the warmth and throbbing of Dave’s neck on his temple.

Dave couldn’t say a word, he was just breathing in and out quietly, one of his arms tightly embracing Martin’s waist, the other hand’s fingers caressing the blonde curls. Martin enjoyed the tender touches with closed eyes. He began to return them. He just let himself get lost in the moment, enjoying these minutes, not knowing how much time has left for them.

It was ticking and Dave didn’t move until he heard a faint knock on the door. He looked at Martin then climbed off of his lap, his refuge, and opened the door.


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15**

   


 

Mart was just sitting there motionless, still feeling the heat of Dave’s body on him, and saving this memory into his mind as he slowly turned his head towards the door. He knew who’ll stand there. Jen looked awful – he could tell it even from this distance. Her eyes were red – probably from crying – and she was dead pale as she carefully looked around in the room, not knowing what kind of sight will greet her. By now she was unsure about everything concerning these two men. She walked into the room without saying a word, but stopped near the door, squeezing her own hand time after time. Mart’s eyes grew darker.

“Jen?” her husband asked unsure. The state his wife was in shocked him.

She looked up at him with a broken gaze.

“I guess… you want to know what my decision is…” she said quietly and hoarsely.

“Yes… it’d be good to know…” Dave answered. His voice was shaking a bit.

“You have to understand that I… I’d been thinking a lot in the last few weeks… and especially in the last few hours. Now I understand a lot of things and you hurt me badly” she searched for her husband’s eyes.

Martin’s body strained as he was still sitting on the couch and watched the couple without breathing.

“Please, understand that this isn’t easy for me. What do you think how does it feel to know that you love Martin better than me? Still I was thinking of looking over it, mainly because of you. I see how deep your feelings are for him and I want the best for you – after our children. The question is whether I’d be able to bear this pain, knowing that you don’t love me half the way you love him.”

Dave waited without breathing… is it possible that Jen will “allow” them this relationship, seeing how important it was for him? Another rush of adrenaline got into his bloodstream, his heart jumped, he started breathing faster and he felt the heat around him growing. Martin lifted one eyebrow in disbelief. Is there still hope then? He followed every move Jen made, but he didn’t dare to talk.

Jen took a deep breath and went on “However, I have to think of our daughter, Dave! And Jimmy! What’ll we do when this gets out? How will they process it? And Martin’s kids? And Sue? Considering all these…” she said, but her voice failed her. She looked up at her husband with teary eyes. She knew that she can made him hate her for a lifetime because of her decision “I’m sorry, David…” she whispered wobbly “I can’t. I would not bear it. And the kids! Families, David, families! And your life! You have to think on that too! You can ruin everything!”

The bubble of happiness burst out in his chest from the brutal poke of reality’s needle and he fell back to the ground. No, he was sure he just misheard it… Jen can’t ask this from him, cuz she knows… she knows… But as he looked at her face, he knew that he didn’t misunderstand it.

“Please… don’t do this to me…” he said with the last remains of hope in his soul. Maybe his wife’ll ease up…

“No, David. I’d like you to end this and never start it again!”

Martin opened his eyes wide and he couldn’t stop one single plaintive, painful and desperate word: “Don’t!”

Dave looked at the woman as if she had hit him. No, this can’t be true, this isn’t happening…

“Jennifer, don’t do this, please! I beg you! Don’t take him away from me!” he exclaimed desperately “I do anything you want, except this!”

“I’m sorry, Dave…” she shook her head a bit as her eyes welled up with the suppressed tears, which ran down her pale face as she was watching her husband, who went on his knees in front of her, grabbing her trousers. Her heart nearly broke from the sight, but she couldn’t give in. She has to end this right now, if she wants to protect her family. “You’ve said… you’ve said earlier that you’d do anything for us…” she swallowed hard and quickly wiped away her tears “… this is the prize you have to pay for staying with us…” she whispered at the end.

“No, you can’t ask this… you can’t ask this from me…” Dave repeated. But the decision was irreversible, he knew it well, and this slowly reached his mind, setting everything on frantic pain inside of him. “You can’t destroy it, you can’t take it away from me!!!” Dave burst out loudly as he stood up confused and backed to the wall “You don’t have the right to kill me! Martin!” he yelled his lover’s name, whom he couldn’t even see from the tears which filled his eyes. He thought he’d go insane from this! A life without Martin? No! Never!

Jen just watched as her husband writhed in pain and slowly sliding to the floor, sobbing like a child. She did this with only one sentence… just with one sentence. She saw the anguish on his face as he was searching for Martin blindly, whose loss he didn’t want to accept. She started sobbing from the sight. Yes, it hurt her seeing Dave like this. It hurt badly, but she couldn’t do anything else!

The blonde man was still sitting on the couch and hadn’t noticed when he grabbed his pullover over his heart. There was no word for the feeling which broke loose inside of him hearing the verdict. His blood was pounding in his ears, his vision got blurry and he could barely hear Dave, because he was so shocked and asked himself how a man can feel this much pain like he had now in his chest… He looked up slowly and broken and with unutterable pain onto the crying woman, whom once he considered as his friend.

Jen’s eyes met Martin’s and she was taken aback from what she saw in them. Next to pain – which was at least as enormous as Dave’s – she saw accusation. She knew that something just broke between them and they’d never talk or stay in one room ever again. She couldn’t take this anymore, she nearly fled from the room to get on the first plane and leave everything behind. Now she didn’t want to be any near of them for a long while.

Dave was still kneeling, his forehead pressed against the cold floor and he was sobbing and squirming there, calling out Martin’s name again and again. After a few minutes of numbness the blonde man eased up enough to stand up with some difficulties then he collapsed onto the floor next to Dave. He started stroking the singer’s back automatically, which resonated from the loud sobbing. Mart was still under the shock and he just couldn’t comprehend Jen’s decision. He couldn’t understand how she could cause this much pain for her husband! How she could bring him into such a nonsense situation, where he had to choose. Especially now when lately everything piled up in a negative way for him! It was cruel from her to ask this from Dave!

The man – like someone drowning – grabbed Martin, pulled himself up to him and buried himself in Mart’s chest, trying to hide from the pain. But knowing that he can do this for the last time just fanned his painful emotions

His mate was afraid that he hugged him too tightly to himself, causing hurting Dave, but he wasn’t able to loosen his embrace as he started to grasp the situation and his tears find their ways from his sad eyes as well.

Dave’s tears didn’t want to stop, but he pulled himself together a bit and said “Mart… I can’t… do this. I can’t… leave you” he said in a staccato voice, while he was still clinging to him

Martin couldn’t say a word. He was afraid if he did, everything would burst out of him and he wouldn’t be able to stop roaring. His soul was howling like a wounded animal and his mind echoed the painful sound.

“I’ve never told you” Dave went on “but if I had to choose… between you… I’d… I’d choose you. I want to choose you!” he moaned into the wet and warm chest.

Mart let out an unarticulated throaty sound as groaned from hearing this, still holding Dave tightly. He squeezed his eyes shut to take a few deep hissing breaths before answering.

“Dave… you know… you know well, that you can’t…” his voice failed him from the crying.

“But I love you…” he whispered faintly “I can’t leave you. Because I am you and you are me!”

“I know…” he sobbed. Yet he wasn’t able to argue with him, the wound was too fresh, cut too deep…

“Please, stay with me… please…” Dave begged on a whimpering tone, while his hands were grabbing Martin’s T-shirt painfully tightly.

Something in Martin broke irrevocably and for good. The anguish was still tearing on every cell he had, dancing on his nerve-endings, making him blind and deaf, while the mirror of his soul cracked, threatening with braking into million shivers. He had to say it out loud, no matter how hard it was… He had to force himself to swallow his pain back until he could get some air into his lungs and he collected the last rational thought he had left, whispering it into Dave’s hair: “I can’t…”

Dave straightened his back and looked at Martin with such immense pain that he nearly died.

“You’ve promised… you’ve promised me that you won’t leave me” he said hoarsely while his tears were running down his cheeks silently.

“Dave… don’t do this to me… I beg you!” Martin groaned and fresh and quick tears ran down his careworn face.

“I can’t take this!” Dave exclaimed and in his torment he grabbed his own hair, tearing it.

Martin grabbed his wrists and pulled them away from the singer’s head, leading them onto his own body. “Tear me instead! Promise me that… that you won’t do anything stupid!” he squeezed the wrists firmer “I would not be able to live with the knowledge that you’ll do it again!

“I wouldn’t hurt you - in any way” he answered and caressed his face with one hand. He couldn’t stop himself – he leant closer and kissed him so passionately and painfully like never before.

Martin, like a drowning man, snapped at him and returned the kisses desperately. No! He can’t let him go! He can’t do it!

Dave never wanted to break their kisses, he didn’t want Martin to walk out that door, he didn’t want tomorrow to come. Because it’d mean that it was over.

He was savoring Dave’s lips as if there was no tomorrow – and there wasn’t any for them. He was just kissing and kissing him, drinking in Dave’s adored scent, the heat of his body and his hands stroked along every muscle of his as if he just wanted to burn their feel and form into his mind. But he knew that he has to force himself now to let his mate go, he has to stand up and leave the room now, or else he won’t be able to do it. Then he wouldn’t care about Jen or Dave’s family, he’d do just what he wanted to do with every pore of his, what his soul was screaming for… He took Dave’s teary face between his hands to pull him back a bit and look at him. For the last time he compressed everything he couldn’t express with words into his eyes. For a minute he let him read all these from his painfully swirling irises and whispered one single word:

“Forever” then for the last time he pressed his lips against his for a few moments before he gently pushed off Dave’s hands and stood up. He wasn’t able to look back at the broken singer huddled up on the floor. He left the room with the taste of Dave’s kiss lingering on his lips, but his previously talking eyes got empty. And as he closed the door behind him, just the sound of the mirror in his soul could be heard as it shattered into pieces…

The door clicked shut quietly and Dave was left alone. He couldn’t even move – the pain benumbed not just his soul. Then suddenly he threw his head back and howled an enormous one as the pain exploded in his chest. His beast felt it and it joined him. Even she could feel it deep down inside of Dave’s soul. His voice filled the room, stretched its walls and exploded onto the corridor. It was a long and bitter yowl and seemed that it didn’t want to end either.

Martin stopped on the hallway. Even from its end he could clearly hear the wounded cry and his whole body shook into it. He forced himself not to turn around and run back to him to take him into his arms, consoling him, whispering that he will never leave him, that he’ll be always with him, that he loves him so much… As he closed his red eyes, suddenly he hit the wall with his fist, but barely felt the pain and the bruises. It was nothing compared to the thing which was swirling inside of him, choking him so hard that he barely could breathe. He concentrated on walking again, putting one leg before the other until he can finally get to his room, lock his door behind him and collapse. It was just a question of moments when will he collapse like a house of cards.

Dave’s yowl turned into coughing. Slowly he stood up and propped himself on a nearby table. He though that he won’t be able to love anyone ever again, that only this burning pain will remain! He chopped at the table. “No! They can’t take him away from me! NO!” a voice yelled in his head painfully. His anger broke free and he turned it against the furniture of the room. It didn’t mater what or whom, but he had to destroy, he wanted to make the pain disappear, no matter how high the cost’d be. He just wanted to be numb so he won’t feel anything!

The smaller objects hit the wall and shattered into pieces, but Dave didn’t spare the bigger ones either: he destroyed the table, the chairs, he banged the telephone to the marble-table, and broke the glass of the coffee table. He raved with fury, cursing Jen, Mart and himself in turns. The bed couldn’t survive either: he tore the sheets apart, but he was unequal to the bed-frame. From the tiredness he collapsed onto the floor, laid onto his side and his whole body was just shaking from the hard sobbing. He moved no more.


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16**

   


 

 **Dedicated to:** A newer known friend. Thank you!

(Useless-girl)

 

Martin didn’t rage spectacularly, he was just sitting in his room in an armchair and stared in front of him, not seeing a thing. He still couldn’t comprehend it. He was numb – except that massively throbbing and growing bundle of pain, which was called his heart once. It was as if it was still parceled up: it was throbbing bluntly but massively, waiting for the explosion so it could flood the man.

The shadows were crawling slowly on the walls as the night dragged the world deeper and deeper into darkness. But onto the soul of the sitting man such a darkness crept over and settled down, which couldn’t be chased away or stopped with any artificial light. No, this darkness could have been chased away by only one flame… But he couldn’t get close to that flame. Never again.

 

\---

 

In the hall, close to the elevators, a black man was about to dial a number on his cell phone when he spotted the two men walking into the hotel. The shorter blonde one was explaining something with a smile to the taller red-haired one, who adjusted his glasses and solidly laughed.

“Excuse me, Mr. Fletcher, Mr. Eigner” he nodded then offered his hand “I’m Thomas Kirkland, one of the hotel’s managers. I’m sorry to interrupt you, but we have a little problem.”

“What kind of problem?” Andy frowned after shaking hands with the man.

“Sadly I couldn’t contact Mr. Kessler to inform him. But please, first follow me into the elevator…” he waved towards one of the empty lifts.

“What’s the matter?” Chris looked at him and now he seemed worried too.

“One of our guests called us a few minutes ago that he heard worrisome noises and yells from Mr. Gahan’s room. As if he was destroying the furniture. Would you come with me, please, to check what could it be?”

“Sure!” the blonde drummer said immediately while Andy just nodded with worry in his eyes.

“Thank you” the black man put his cell away then they stepped out on the right floor and reached Dave’s silent room.

After they’ve got no response for the knocking and yells, Andy called Dave’s number. The phone rang in the room, so they suspected that the singer was there too. The manager – after they shortly persuaded him – pulled out a card from his pocked, which opened everything in the hotel and the door of the dark room opened soon.

After switching on the light Christian wished he never saw the sight which came into view. All three of them were standing there shocked, frozen to the spot and looking around the destroyed room. Their eyes soon jumped onto the figure of the singer. Dave huddled himself up as much as it was possible as he was lying on the floor, his shoulders still shaking from silent sobs. He didn’t react on the fact that someone had entered the room.

“Oh my god, Dave! What’d happened?” Chris hurried to him, dropping onto his knees between the fragments of furniture and carefully touched the man’s shoulder.

But he didn’t respond just cried and cried unstoppable, the pain – raging inside of him – distorted his face. He wished he could get rid off it!

Chris looked up at Andy with a dark expression “Hurry, call his doc!”

Andy dialed the number speechlessly then nervously rattled out what had happened. When he finished, he kneeled down next to Chris “What could have happened to him?” he looked down at the sobbing man then eyed the destroyed room again “It was a very long time ago since he did something like this… look at him!” he said and put his hand onto one of the tattooed arms, but he didn’t get any reaction.

“I have no idea, but I’m sure it was something rough!” Chris examined him carefully, but didn’t want to move the body too much until the doc arrived “He doesn’t react to anything” he looked down at Dave with worry.

“Dave… what have you done again?” Andy shook his head.

The doc had arrived within a few minutes and without looking around in the room he hurried to Dave. The boys stepped back to give him more space and just watched the doctor palpating Dave then he moved the singer’s arm, which he let without any objection. He took a syringe and stuck it into his vein to give him some medicine. First his condition remained the same but finally his mind got foggy, he calmed down and just his steady breathing was audible. The doctor carefully turned him onto his back and checked his skin. He wanted to close out the possibility that he hurt himself. Then Dave’s hands came. He grabbed a clip and from the wounds he pulled out the splinters and the glass pieces from a mirror. He cleared the wounds and bound them. He checked Dave’s pulse once more then stood up and turned towards the boys.

“He is in shock, I gave him some tranquilizer. His hands were injured from the wood and glass splinters, but thank god these are just smaller injuries. I don’t think his mental state will be rosy… Something really bad had happened to him, which caused this kind of shock. I think we can count on a massive depression after this. He has to rest – cancel a few shows. Be with him a lot, he will need company.”

Chris was stunned and could just nod while Andy was already pushing the buttons on his cell to finally reach Kessler. When he got through at last, he said on a careworn tone: “John, we have a problem…”

 

\---

 

In the dark an invisible clock’s finger was closing on to midnight. Just the monotone sound could be heard as it was counting the passing seconds unstoppable, without mercy. Time didn’t know how to stop or how to show mercy, it was just flowing callously in its own way, there was no chance to avert it. It didn’t care what kind of effect it had on others, how many long-awaited events it fulfilled, or how many broken hearts had left behind. Time never looked back at its work, it was just ticking, passing, sometimes running or crawling since the very beginning. No one knew where it came from or where it was going and what it took away.

Martin felt its weight, its passing, as it took away the promise of a better future, which Time tore out from his and Dave’s life and soul, without mercy. They say everything has its purpose, there aren’t coincidences. But now Martin wasn’t able to see what good was in this amount of enormous pain, what was its utility of breaking both of them this way – treading their strong love into the dirt? He didn’t understand why they had to trample with heavy boots on it, killing it, obliterating the emotions and the hope. So this world – humans – had to disappoint him again… It wasn’t the first time, oh no…

Dave wasn’t the only one who had fire. He had his own too, which he always tried to hide so it couldn’t hurt him and this shallow world full of nothing couldn’t exploit it. He didn’t want to show his weak points and hid behind his cold armor. But Dave… he understood him, he felt what was hiding inside of him. He was his soul-mate, the only one, who could really know him and accepted him with every caducity he had. He always felt alive when he was with the singer. The wild fire, the fire of life was flaming inside of him, burning Mart again and again, but he didn’t mind it – he wanted it. He wanted Dave. For a long-long time. And when the singer wanted it too, Dave was his. For longer or shorter times, but he could say that Dave was his. But of course Martin never stressed his “ownership”, he was smarter than that. He let Dave have his freedom, but unawares he tied the singer’s heart and soul to his with subtle and invisible chains. And after it seemed that the broken chains could be soldered he started to look out for this relationship more. But he knew as well that these chains were two-sided, so he became Dave’s, he tied himself to the singer too. He did it willingly, from pure love. The road was long and rough going until they’ve got this far and both of them had to sacrifice and learn a lot on the way. The singer became his body and voice – on the stage, standing behind his microphone he conveyed everything Mart couldn’t give out and reveal in front of the public. But Dave was perfect for this, he could not have found a better “tool” for this, because this man was the other side of his soul, his self, he completed Mart. He found himself in Dave in so many ways… Maybe they have been chasing each others for thousands of years – searching for each other to meet at the end, always in another way. Sometimes just as friends, sometimes as parents and children, and sometimes as lovers… He didn’t know what this life had for them. Maybe this was another test, another step in their spiritual development. Maybe this isn’t the life where they’ll be together for good, maybe this time they could have only this much before moving on.

He couldn’t be sure about anything, but he knew one thing: Dave was the one who gave him faith, courage and hope for this life. He was the one, who made it bearable, enjoyable during these long years – not counting the pain and adversities which they lived through together. No matter what’d happened, he could always go back to Dave, he could always hold on to him. He was his backup. He adored him, no matter what he’d done. In the past Mart just smiled on his gassy cockiness, which was a part of Dave’s defense. The singer too made the world believe that he was strong – both of them knew that if they didn’t do this, the machinery, the hungry hyenas would have broken and tore them into pieces. They had to grow up too early. Things had happened too quickly and the singer remained that confused child – craving for love – who he has always been. Full of desire to prove himself and he had often nearly lost. He had been embossing himself during all these years to make up for the expectations and to gain Martin’s regard, which he didn’t give to Dave in the right way for a very long time. But then Mart supported him, because he loved, adored and admired Dave. Dave became his life, his love and muse, who breathed the kiss of inspiration onto his forehead several times.

And now they took him away.

 

\---

 

Andy knocked quietly on Martin’s door. No sound came from inside and from this he judged that the blonde man was sleeping. He won’t be happy that he’ll wake him up, not to mention the news he brought… But nothing moved in the room.

“Martin?” Andy asked when he opened the door with that card he got from the hotel’s manager “Martin? Are you here?” he peered into the room.

The addressed one didn’t look up, he was still deeply closed up inside, sitting in his armchair.

“Mart…” he went closer to the figure in the dark. He crouched in front of him, because Mart wasn’t willing to look up “Oh no… you too?” he sighed with worry when he spotted the expression Mart had on his face “What’d happened?”

His friend moved his head just enough to let his painful gaze met Andy’s, but he didn’t say a word.

Fletch sighed again “I came because of Dave.”

At least this made Mart react. He narrowed his eyes and his hands grabbed the armrests firmly. “What’s with him?” he pulled out the words with great difficulty.

“I don’t know… he totally freaked out. He destroyed his room and doesn’t react to anything. When we found him he was lying on the floor, sobbing. We had to sedate him. It came into my mind that he always listened to you, so maybe if you could talk to him… he doesn’t even see us” Fletch bent his head down “The doc said that he’s in shock, as if he lived through a trauma” he looked up “What the fuck had happened, Martin? No matter what it is, we have to know, the docs have to know so they can help on him! Please!”

“No… I can’t talk to him” he closed his eyes painfully.

“You can’t leave him in such a state!” the red-haired man exclaimed.

“I can’t help him, Andy…” his voice broke.

“No… You always pulled him out of the shit. Always! What had happened between you two? Tell me!”

But the blonde man just slowly shook his head. He didn’t want to look at his friend. He couldn’t say a word.

Andy stood up. He saw that he won’t pull out anything from Martin now. Before he left the room he just said: “I don’t know what’ll be with him” then he left Curly alone.

After a few minutes – his eyes still squeezed shut – Mart bent forward, his hands pressed to his chest, and moaned. That bundle of pain inside decided to rive now. With a dry rattle his suffocating sobs broke out of him.

 

\---

 

Dave was in his new room, but he didn’t notice too much of it. He was lying in the bed, curled up into the protection of the fetal ball. The blanket was on him, but these things didn’t reach his mind. He couldn’t see the outside world, he was just listening to the voices of the past as they slowly tore apart his soul. He couldn’t stop it, he had no strength to do so, so the memories – like some kind of a sick film – were repeating in his head, highlighting the details painfully, bringing back the feelings, the touches, torturing him more and more. Inside he was howling, but his soul was no more in connection with his physical self – it was as if someone had cut the lines. His personality had disappeared to suffer in his own personal hell. His mates came to look on him time after time, but he couldn’t see them. They could touch him, talk to him or beg for long hours, he was just staring at the same point on the wall, while the long movie inside his head was spinning. Its end was far away. If it had one at all.

 

\---

 

A red-haired man stepped into the quiet room. He took over from Chris, who tried to lead Dave back to reality – without any success. The blonde drummer stood up and looked at Andy, shaking his head. His mate stepped next to him.

“Nothing?”

“Nothing. Not even his pupil reacted. I don’t know what’d happened to him, but it totally finished him off. Don’t you think maybe he took something?”

“No. Dave has been clean for years now. Believe me, he didn’t take drugs.”

“But then, what the fuck…?”

“I don’t know, Chris… but Martin looks awful too. And I’ve called Jen and asked what’d happened to Dave, but she doesn’t want to come here. I couldn’t get out a word from them, but no matter what it is, I don’t give a shit, if we can help Dave with that, we have to know!”

Christian sighed and ran his fingers through his blonde hair then patted Andy’s shoulder “Relax, pal. Everything’ll be fine. Dave lived through so many things…”

Andy just nodded, though he knew that these were just empty words to cheer him up a bit. Nothing was alright and no one could be sure that Dave will get over this, ever.

Those whom he could always rely on had disappeared from his side. Now Andy had to replace Jen and Martin. He didn’t know if he was good enough for this task, because Dave was close to these two the most. Somehow he never had a tight, near relationship with Andy… because they were so very different! But still – now he could feel the singer close to him, cuz he himself had a few crackups too. He had to help on Dave! Now that his wife and Mart gave up on him... He sighed and started to talk, though he knew that he won’t get any respond. But maybe his voice will break through the thick wall the singer had built around him to close out the outside world, giving comfort to him.

 

\---

 

Of course change didn’t come in his band mate’s state – he remained the same when he left him there – quiet, staring into nothing and scary. His eyes were red and puffy from crying, his face pale. Before Andy left he called the doc to inform him that there was no change in his condition. The guy showed up soon and gave an infusion to him, because the singer didn’t drink anything. Andy stepped out of the room – giving his place to Peter – then headed for Martin’s room. Though he didn’t know why – maybe he secretly hoped that the blonde man will figure out something which can save Dave? Or that he’ll be ready to talk to him? Or that he’ll finally tell him what had happened?

He didn’t knock when he reached there – he knew that Mart didn’t go anywhere, but at least he spoke in a few words when he wanted. Fletch thought that he informs him about Dave’s condition – maybe that’ll help him find his tongue.

“I’m coming from Dave” he cut into the middle, pulling a chair next to him. He could say anything to Martin, he never paid attention – except when it was about Dave. As a sign of listening the blonde man turned his head to the side a bit and the sparkles of worry and fear flickered in his empty eyes. “Nothing has changed” he remained silent for a few moments then went on “Martin… I’m very scared that we’ll lose Dave; that he’ll get lost inside there for good. It’s much worse than when he was using – back then we knew the cause and how to solve the problem. But now I don’t know what’d happened and this way I can’t help for him. Please, tell me. You can’t leave Dave like this, suffering this much.”

“No… I don’t want that…” he swallowed hard, but turned his painful gaze away.

“Then tell me something, for god’s sake!” his friend exclaimed “What did you do to him? You did something to Jen?”

“What?” he looked at Fletch confused.

“Did you sleep with her? Or something else made Dave freak out?!” he jumped up from his chair, loosing control for a moment, showing how nervous he really was “You know how nuts he’s about her…”

Martin just blinked shocked for a few moments then laughed out loud, but the happiness was missing from his voice – it turned out rather dry.

But Andy didn’t find the situation that funny. He stepped to Martin’s armchair, leant down and propped his hands on the armrests “No? Then what the fuck did you do again?!” he raised his voice.

“Why do you think that it’s my fault, Andy?” he asked now without any smile and a sullen look.

“You have a hand in this! I know! I know that Dave trusted you the most in the band! And he was here with you so it’s hard to think anything else. What did you do?” he asked again, slowly spelling every word. The bitter anger was clearly audible in his voice.

“I… I did nothing…” his voice failed him “… I just… loved him too much…” he closed his eyes.

It was clear that the red-haired man didn’t expect something like this – he rather thought that they had a bad fight and somehow Jen got into that too and maybe something turned out which caught Dave off guard.

“What… did you say?” he asked back. Looking into the sad eyes he realized that it was more than just a debate… much more. He pulled his chair closer to Martin and sat back on it, putting his hand on his friend’s “Mart… what’d happened?” he asked on a gentle tone – as if he was talking to his little brother “I’m worried not just because of Dave… but because of you too! I see that something’s terribly wrong here, that it eats you up alive. It’ll finish off Dave soon, but sooner or later you’ll follow him and I don’t want to let that happen.”

Martin agonized – looking from Andy to the floor and back. He was pondering.

“I love him…” he whispered barely audible.

“We all love him, Mart. This is why I’m asking you.”

A bitter smile appeared in the corner of his lips then his expression changed back into a dark one. “No… you don’t get it, Andy… _I love him_ ” he looked deep into the red-haired man’s eyes.

For a few moments Fletch didn’t answer just examined the green irises “Really?”

Martin just ran his fingers through his curls then nodded.

“And Jen… found out?”

Another painful nod.

“Jesus, Mart… I thought that you’re smarter! I never thought that it’ll get this serious. I thought that this was just fun for you… Still… for how long?”

“Since a…” here he had to sigh “…very long time.”

“So then the thing with Dave… is because of this? Cuz you left him or Jen wants to hand in the divorcing papers?”

“The first option” he fished out his cigarette from his pocket, a little bit feeling at a loss.

“And what’s with Jen?” the next question came.

His friend exhaled the smoke slowly before answering “She couldn’t take it…”

“Oh god, Martin… why do you have to get into such situations all the time?” for a moment he buried his head into his hands then looked up again “What did you expect? That it won’t turn out?” he asked, but his voice wasn’t offending, rather… sad “What should I do now with Dave?”

“Do you think we wanted it this way? We couldn’t do against it!” he spluttered edgily.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t want to accuse you or anything” Andy lifted his head to look into the green eyes “The most important question is now how can we help on Dave? You have to talk to him, Martin! You can’t leave him alone – no matter what had happened. Cuz what’ll come after this? You won’t go on stage, won’t talk to each other? He won’t come into the studio when you’re there? You can’t always hide from each other.”

“Andy… I… I can’t…” he bent his head down, broken.

“And? Then we should break up the band? You think that’d be a solution instead of facing him? You know that in case you run away, this will always haunt you.”

“I didn’t say that! I… I just… Understand me, for god’s sake! It’s too early!” he exclaimed, looking up at him and fresh tears were glistening in his eyes “I die… Andy… It so fuckin’… hurts!” he moaned the end desperately, as if someone was pulling his tooth.

Andy couldn’t do against it – when he saw the tears and the painful expression – he had to move forward without thinking to hug Martin. First the blonde man didn’t want to move, but then he clung to his friend fitfully as he gave out a dry throaty sound, which was a try to suppress his sobs. By that time his tears were running down his cheeks silently – though he thought that there was left none.

“I… love him… very much!” he moaned the words on his haggard voice “I love him… very much…”

“Calm down…” Fletch whispered to his friend, who was clinging to him as if his life depended on it “I’m so sorry that it turned out like this, Mart. Even from outside it was clear that you got along more than you ‘should’, but I was glad. Because both of you went through so many things… I’m so sorry” he went silent and waited for Mart to pull himself together a bit “But he needs you Martin. Maybe more than ever. Only you can bring him back. I know that he’ll react to you.”

Mart gave out some negative sound then pulled away and wiped off his tears.

“Yet… I can’t… I can’t bear to see him… without crashing completely” he shook his head.

“You don’t have to do it now” Andy answered understanding “But please, don’t put it off for too long because you’re afraid. He doesn’t eat or drink or do anything. He’s on infusion. I don’t know how will we make him eat, but if we don’t succeed, the docs will have to put him on the tubes.”

Unwillingly Martin gave out a lamenting moan and squeezed his eyes shut from this outlook. He nearly put his hands to his ears like a little boy, who doesn’t want to hear the scary stories the older boys telling him. But he fought off the need to do so and swallowed hard before nodding uneasily.

“Alright. And please, don’t get to that level like him. Please, take care of yourself. I don’t know what I would do if you dissolved in this too…”

The man just nodded unsure and sank back into his thoughts and pain, not even noticing when his careworn friend said goodbye to him.

Fletch walked down the corridor lost in his thoughts. Sure – he always suspected that there was much more between Dave and Martin than friendship. It was hard not to notice the signs. But – as he said – it didn’t disturb him. Though he would have never thought that their relationship will end this way – that it will cost this much for both of them… They should have been more careful… Sure he knew that it was difficult to control Dave, nearly impossible, but he can get hurt so easily! And Martin isn’t that tough warrior either who faces every problem. And all these things just hurtled down on them. Suddenly Fletch had to save Depeche again. He had to “fix” Dave with kicking Mart’s ass to go and see him. If he has to do so, he’ll do it! But he couldn’t drag his blonde friend there yet – not after this trauma he had to take. Though until that Fletch had to figure out how to keep Dave’s body working. They can’t leave this place for a few days. He won’t let Dave go to one of those institutes… where they’d lock him up and stuff him with meds. No, Dave’d fully disappear in such a place and he had to take care of him. He’ll come up with some story about why they can’t go on with the tour and why they had to cancel more shows, but he’ll manage to solve this. The difficult part was to bring back the singer…


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17**

  


 

Dave was quietly lying on his back. His state remained the same – his infusion was mixed now: vitamins and mineral substances made up his cocktail to keep his system working. He can go on like this for a few days, but after that they won’t be able to avoid taking him into the hospital. Andy agreed to this just because he wanted to give some time for Martin and because he wanted to protect Dave from publicity. But time was running out and the blonde man never showed up to face Dave, who was still staring at the ceiling in the same resigned way like before. Sometimes he blinked or slept, but still didn’t communicate. Andy did everything he could. He talked to Dave – recalling the happier old times, he told him about how his kids are doing, but didn’t get any respond. He didn’t tell that he knows about Dave and Martin – if the singer could hear him, he didn’t want to hurt him more. Fletch couldn’t do anything, he just waited until he could bare it or just sat next to Dave or tried to disarm the press.

On the corridor slightly unsure quiet steps closed to a certain goal. After a time the sound stopped in front of the featureless door. He was hesitating. He have been hesitating for days now how and what to do – then that morning it down at him. He’ll let himself go along with the happenings and won’t plan anything. He didn’t knock. It was unnecessary.

He quietly opened the door and stepped into the room, which was half-lit by the first rays of the sun. His red-haired friend was sleeping on the couch, covered with a blanket, his glasses on the nearby table. He quietly walked to him and put his hand on his shoulder to gently wake him up. When the red-haired man jumped a bit and looked up at him, he just looked him deep in the eye and nodded.

Andy slowly got up from the couch, put his glasses on and quietly walked to the door. But before he left the room, he looked back over his shoulder. Dave didn’t move, his blonde mate was showing his back to him. It took days for Mart to enter this room at all. This scenery emitted grey sadness, which made Fletch sigh – then he couldn’t take it anymore and left.

Until now Martin didn’t dare to look at Dave. For a long minute he was just standing there, staring into nothing then sighed quietly and turned around slowly, his gaze resting on the motionless figure, who was lying on his side, showing his back to him. Yes, he knew that this will happen… As his brain processed the sight, the still fresh wounds cut even deeper into his painfully bleeding soul. A desperate and worrying expression showed up on his face then after a few more minutes he forced himself to slowly walk around the bed – though he didn’t know how he’d be able to take this whole thing. Even just seeing Dave from the back was awful suffering to him… He quietly stopped next the bed and looked down at the empty face and the dead eyes staring into nothing. His heart sank painfully as he carefully sat down onto the edge of the bed.

Dave’s body was still in ‘off mode’, but inside his self stirred in the inevitable dream his consciousness pushed him into to protect him from the pain. Though he still didn’t come around.

Suddenly Mart wasn’t sure about what he should do. On the one hand he wanted to help in any case, but on the other hand he felt as if his hands were tied – he couldn’t touch the singer because of Jen. Moreover he couldn’t have been allowed to be here if it wasn’t vital. He was mad at her, because she had left Dave alone in this difficult situation; he was mad at her because she parted them, though… deep inside he could even understand her…

After a few minutes of hesitating he stroked along Dave’s arm, which the singer had pulled up to his chest. Mart slid his palm slowly onto his love’s hand to gently grab it and pull it onto his own thigh, where he took his hand between his and started stroking the long fingers comfortingly.

It was as if this touch had caused a sparkle – it ran along Dave’s nervous path to his brain, breaking through the thick fog, which closed out his consciousness from the outside world, and hit right into the middle of his frozen emotions, setting them on fire within a second, sending out the calling voice of waking up. The world’s noises flooded the singer, who was closed up in silence until now. He blinked then very slowly turned his head to the side.

“Martin…” he began, but his husky voice failed him.

His blonde mate didn’t look up, he was quietly examining the venous hand between his, head bent down, painful expression on his face. Dave closed his eyes and gently squeezed the caressing hand. He barely could believe that he can see his blonde love again. That he’s here with him!

He didn’t want to give false hopes for Dave, so he didn’t dare to look at his face at all, he was just stroking his hand imperturbably. His moves transmitted the worry and silent suffering he felt inside, but the passion was lacking. Dave noticed this. The happiness faded away as quickly as it cam

“You came just because of this, didn’t you?” the singer’s eyes darkened “To wake me up.”

Mart was afraid that in case he opens his mouth, unarticulated sounds would leave his throat and his voice’d fail him so he just nodded, still staring at the singer’s hand.

Dave’s eyes filled with pain. He pulled his hand back and turning his head away he just said: “You did your job.”

Martin thought that he’d suffocate from the pain which reached up from his heart to his throat, which was caused by Dave’s cold tone. His whole body cried out from the urge to snatch at the forbidden fruit, to slide under the cover and nuzzle to Dave, kissing and consoling him. But he couldn’t do that and knowing this made him crazy. He knew that if he surrendered for his desire, there’d be no turning back, later he wouldn’t be able to refuse him! He was just sitting on the edge of the bed, staring in front of him and fighting with his tears and desires. He couldn’t move. He wanted to flee from the room and stay around Dave in the same time. Previously when he was stroking his hand Mart felt himself calmer – as usually when he was with Dave. But after the singer pulled away this feeling disappeared, faded away.

Dave still didn’t look at his blonde mate. Pain attacked him, mauling his broken soul again. “Why are you torturing me?” he whispered his question.

His lover was biting his lip hard from the inside to stop the desperate yell which started growing in his throat. He turned his head carefully towards Dave, letting their eyes meet for a long moment. In Mart’s swirling irises the deep resentment and helplessness were clearly visible. He tried to show that immense pain he felt this way. Then with an unusual swiftness he jumped up and hurried out of the room, choking on his emotions, never saying a word.

Dave jumped painfully from the thud of the door. He couldn’t do it in another way. To protect Mart from getting hurt even more, he had to hurt him now. Him… and himself too. He slowly sat up and pulled out the needle of the infusion from his hand. He slid to the edge of the bed and had to moan as he closed his eyes. The room was spinning in front of him and the pain bit into his living flesh as he cried out and his tears broke through.

Martin rushed along the corridor – not knowing where he was or where he was headed. He felt like suffocating, that this place, his room, the situation, Dave wants to choke him! He didn’t know whether he knew the people he passed by. Suddenly he found himself at the top of the stairway, in front of a door. As he opened it he found himself on the roof. He nearly ran out there and let the fresh, sharp wind embrace him so he could fill his lungs with air. Though the chains didn’t fall off, but at least he could breathe better now. As he touched his face he realized that his tears have been falling from his aching eyes. He knew that this’ll happen! He knew that if he goes into Dave’s room it’ll cause more suffering. But… at least he could help him… He brought Dave out of his numbness.

 

\---

 

Days were passing by and first the band members were happy from the news that Dave came round. They thought that now everything’ll be fine… but as days went on they had to admit that they were wrong. Dave still didn’t show up often, he didn’t eat and it was visible that he was losing weight. In turn they should have go on with the tour, but just looking at Dave was enough to know that he wouldn’t be able to bear the constant pressure. He was broken and his mates saw this.

Martin walked among them with a constant gloomy and closed-up expression. He came just when it was absolutely necessary for him to show up. This way he tried to get less torture with Dave’s presence. And he suspected that the singer felt the same way. Mart went crazy that he couldn’t touch him; that all of his own pain’d pour out of him in case he addressed Dave. With the last remains of his strength he tried to bottle up and lock away this pain into the depths of his soul and heart. Even when they had to be in one room with Dave, he tried not to look at him. He didn’t want to see the possible suffering and accusation. He knew Dave quite well. He was sure that in his helplessness – sooner or later – the singer would blame him for these things. He’d ask why Mart didn’t deny their relationship in front of Jen; he’d say that Mart was the one who let this whole thing get out of hands… Asking why he couldn’t go on with denying it in front of Jennifer.

On his lonely nights – which’s number Andy or the others tried to minimalise with inviting and calling Mart to hear and there – when he couldn’t take it anymore, he secretly reached for the bottle again and drank until he was senseless so it couldn’t hurt what Dave was, what Dave meant for him and whose loss he was mourning from the darkest corner of his heart. He tried to suppress everything, but he didn’t know how much more he will be able to endure; how much pain he can take before going totally crazy.

 

\---

 

Dave carefully sat up in his creased bed. He moaned as his blood-pressure slowly got in balance. He was just sitting on the edge of the bed for a few minutes. There was no pain, though he still felt its place bluntly throbbing in his temples. Another migraine, more days dropped out. He can’t ask for an injection into his spine every time. Because these occasions got more frequent. He slowly got up and stumbled into the bathroom to take a shower. When he looked into the mirror, he wasn’t too surprised from the sight: there were dark circles under his eyes, his face sunken, careworn.

After finishing the shower he dried himself and dressed up. Even his clothes had shown the signs of weight-loss. He could easily do that in stressed situations. How will he go back on stage this way? He has to go back… he wants to go back. He hoped for help from his fans – he saw the loophole in them. He hoped that they’ll make him forget his sorrow. He barely saw Martin, but he was counting on this. The thing which filled him with worry was what Mart’s face told him unwillingly next to the silent inside-suffering. He hoped that he was wrong, but if not… He sighed and tightened his belt so this way his black trousers didn’t fell off of him. Then he headed for Curly’s room.

His head was aching again like hell. He cursed himself and quickly swallowed another painkiller for his headache. He swore again that he won’t drink anymore, because the hangovers killed him. He sighed and stopped on the deserted corridor, just standing there for a few minutes without any aim. He let his head fall back and closed his eyes until the pill started to work. Then he scratched his nape and opened his room’s door just to recoil when he turned around.

“Dave?! What’re you doing here?” he asked and couldn’t hide the surprise in his voice. He didn’t count on his ex-lover walking into the lion’s cave willingly.

From the door Martin saw Dave standing in the room sideways to him, lost in thoughts. Behind his back he lined up a nice collection of bottles on the bed. He looked at Mart without a word, not moving towards him.

“Oh…” Mart’s look darkened as he understood the aim of Dave’s visit. “How did you know?” he walked to the small fridge and took out a bottle of mineral water.

“I know you. Your face is telltale. Why do you do this to yourself? You’ll ruin yourself!”

“You’re talking?” he asked on a neutral tone and eyed the broken singer, who started to look worryingly thin “Anyway… it doesn’t matter too much now.”

“It matters to me” he answered.

“Why? Why should I please you or anyone else, if you can’t be mine?” he whispered staring in front of him.

“Oh god, you’re so vain!” Dave exclaimed “It’s about your health, fuck it! And it fucking matters to me!”

Mart didn’t say a word just pressed his lips together, avoiding Dave’s eyes. He thought that this was unnecessary. He didn’t see any sense in it.

“Promise me. I don’t want to watch as you destroy yourself…” Dave’s voice softened.

Mart looked up and examined Dave’s face for a long time. It was sunken, pale and stubbly. His wrinkles deepened and dark circles were under his eyes. Just like under his. Their wounded eyes met for a long moment. Martin felt like a trapped animal, squirming. He was dying slowly and without Dave the flame of life was fading away inside of him. He felt less than half of a human since they had to part.

“Alright” he sighed, but looked away immediately.

Dave sighed then after a few moments he said: “I want to go back on stage…” he looked at the blonde man.

Mart looked up a bit surprised. “Okay. As you wish” he swallowed hard at the end. At least he wanted to fulfill Dave’s wish this way - now that he couldn’t do it in any other way. It didn’t matter for him where he suffers – on the stage or in his hotel room.

“I’m asking this cuz I want to know that you’ll be okay with it. Will you be able to bear it?” his green eyes glinted with worry.

“Uh-uh, yeah” he nodded a few times, his head already turned towards the window as he got lost in his thoughts. Of course he didn’t tell Dave that this will evoke ambivalent feelings in him – the more he is with him on stage, the more it’ll hurt him, but at least he can be with him like this while he’s playing with the audience or with him. He knew that it’ll be hard and that he won’t play square if he’ll have the opportunity.

Dave didn’t answer just walked to Martin and gently – as a shadow – touched his arm.

“Please…” he whispered once more, thinking on the drinking then headed for the door and left the room.

Martin felt as if the spot, where Dave’s fingers touched him, was burning. He didn’t move for a long while then shook his head and rubbed his arm nervously, stepping to the window to open it. Within a minute he lit a cigarette and started crawling confused in the room, glimpsing again and again on the lined up bottles. When he couldn’t take it anymore, he put out the rest of his cigarette and took a bag. He threw the bottles into that, called a hotel boy and asked him to get rid off it while he slid a nice tip into his hand. He waited until he brought back the bag then locked his door and tried to sleep a bit during their afternoon break. At least his head didn’t ache that much.

 

\---

 

Dave let the band know his wish. The relief was palpable so they pulled themselves together and hit the road again. Since that day Dave didn’t speak to Martin, but then he took more painkillers. His head ached more and more frequently. He knew that this was mainly because of the lack of normal eating, but he just couldn’t look at food. And since that night he didn’t want to think of Jennifer either. He didn’t want to see her. He couldn’t decide how much he hated his wife now. But the fans were happy that they moved along with the tour, they thought that the danger was over. Well, he’ll be curious of that moment when he’ll step onto the stage… with Martin.

 

\---

 

Before the concert the usual uproar lumbered around the arena. But somehow this time it couldn’t touch Martin. He knew that he’ll do his job. But he knew too that except of doing his task precisely, he’ll be moody. With the passing of days the pain was biting hard his chest and whole being. He had no idea how he will bear this whole thing. He knew that this will not change until the end of the tour. No, not until he was near – and so far – to Dave. It was time for him to go so he walked into the sweltering lights of the reflectors.

Dave followed his mates calmly – he didn’t show any sign of nervousness. The audience roared as they spotted him. He bowed and the show was on. Everything went smoothly, though Dave didn’t turn to Marin, he didn’t joke with him. He was in top form, played with the crowd but it was just and only for the audience. He felt a little negative change just once: when he took off his vest and they could see how tired and thin he was. He saw the worrying faces, but he could still amply say that just the concerts drained out his strength.

Martin tried to avoid Dave’s figure with his eyes too. He did what he usually did before they got this close: he let himself sink into the music and his own thoughts, looking upwards. This time the usual foolery, touches and kisses were nowhere and lacking these made Mart’s skin and soul burn even more. When he couldn’t take it anymore, he looked at the nearby spinning and singing man and he was appalled at the sight of him. He was the only one who could really see in how bad shape Dave really was. Mart was worried beyond expression. He could have screamed!

Dave saw on the crowd that they felt that something has changed. That something was lost for good. And they felt sorry for this. Though a simple viewer wouldn’t have spotted this – but he saw the confused, waiting faces. They hoped that until the end of the concert he’ll make some funny, ambiguous moves, but the last song came too and he didn’t do so.

Martin didn’t move too much from his place either – nearly just when he walked into the middle during his solos when the stage was his. There was no problem with his voice – moreover he put all his frustration and pain into his songs, giving some of them out at least this way. And he knew and saw that with this he moved the audience even more than usual. After that emptiness filled him from the inside as if with his pain he sang out his emotions too. During the bow at the end of the show he remained on the brink of them – the farthest from his love.

The audience whistled and yelled, they didn’t want to let them go this time either… But Dave felt that they could just barely live through the show. He just wanted to go to bed and get lost in his unknowing dreams.

 

\---

 

“How could you take it?” Andy squeezed Martin’s shoulder, marooned from the others a bit.

The blonde man looked tiredly in his eyes and shrugged “I survived.”

Andy looked at their singer, who was bringing up the rear. He insisted on a separate dressing room, which’s door he soon closed behind him. The red-haired man sighed and looked at Mart again.

“It won’t get any better, Andy…” he noted quietly, his head bent down.

“Never?”

“I don’t know” he shook his head. He didn’t dare to say yes. He was afraid that with doing so he’d make it final.

“I’d feel sorry if yes. Are you sure you can’t talk this over again?”

“Andy…” he looked at him with painfully glistening eyes “this whole thing wasn’t up to me. Jen… Jen declared my death sentence.”

“I meant her. I guess she sees that this isn’t good for Dave…”

“I just can’t understand that… woman!” he kept his voice low not to start yelling in his frustration “Since then she never dared to show up! She has no idea what she’d left behind her! She just told us that she doesn’t want us to be together, cuz she can’t take it and she fled! She left her broken, deadly wounded husband behind! After this how dare she think that Dave’ll love her?! Ever?! She doesn’t even deserve him!!!” he exclaimed at the end and his whole body was shaking from desperate anger.

“Relax” Andy said on a soft tone “Alright, let’s drop the Jen topic. But if this kills you this much, wouldn’t it be better to put your desire is front?”

“What do you mean?” he asked surprised, this put him off from his boiling anger.

“I mean that maybe you should go on with this… without Jen knowing about it.”

For a moment he got lost in his thoughts as false hope glinted in front of him, but then he shook his head. “No, Andy. I don’t want to expose Dave to cross-fire again. I rather sacrifice myself than let him leave Jen and the kids.”

“Jen, who asked this from him?” he shook his head “I can’t understand you, Mart.”

“Don’t you think it’d be selfish from me acting in another way?”

“You’ll rather suffer for the rest of your life?”

“I can’t do anything else, Andy… I can’t smash the chance for him to keep his family. With time… with time maybe the bonds will loosen… With time…” his voice failed him. He wanted to believe that there was a way out of this situation, even if it was the hard way.

“You really think so?”

“I want to believe that with time he’ll forget me” he whispered huskily. His throat felt so tight that he could barely press out these words as he imagined Dave being happy after a few years, not even remembering him, the lonely, still broken long-ago love of his. If Mart was still alive then.

“I don’t think that this could occur and I think you’re clear with this too. You know how strong your relationship is.”

Mart wanted to end this conversation. He wouldn’t be able to explain his point of view for Andy. He shrugged.

“Now it doesn’t matter anyway” he said and walked to their dressing room on the quieter corridor, where just a few members of the crew were running around.

Andy just watched Mart’s back. His friend was totally broken and the one who could help on him can’t do that… He would not have thought even in his dream that he’ll see this. See as their friendship – and even more – falls apart this way. He continued his walk towards the dressing room too.


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18**

  


 

  
_"It’s easier to run_   
_Replacing this pain with something numb_   
_It’s so much easier to go_   
_Than face all this pain here all alone_

  
_Something has been taken_   
_From deep inside of me_   
_A secret I’ve kept locked away_   
_No one can ever see_   
_Wounds so deep they never show_   
_They never go away_   
_Like moving pictures in my head_   
_For years and years they’ve played…”_

(Linkin Park: Easier to Run)

 

Another flight, another concert. He was so very tired of this, but there was nothing to do, the tread wheel was spinning and he found himself in the middle of it, running for his life or maybe for his sanity. Lately when he wasn’t hiding in his room, he got into the habit of going onto the after parties. First he was a bit confused when one of their fans offered herself on a plate – recently he gave no thoughts for such things – but as he eyed the pretty woman, sipping from his tonic, he asked himself why not? And he hoped that maybe this way he can distract his thoughts which were still spinning around the singer, whom he gave a miss. He was bold, but he didn’t care if he brought tension into the band, he NEEDED this to survive. After the first few occasions he didn’t feel remorse anymore.

They were just after one of the concerts, sitting in the bar and he was mustering the “bidding”. He saw some potential candidates, but he wasn’t in a hurry. He was careful enough not to let anyone – especially Dave – see him with stronger drinks than beer. Anyway, just from a few strong drinks he could soon throw his already low-lived morals to the dogs.

Dave – of course – noticed that Martin was avoiding him and that he was with another woman every night. Somewhere deep it hurt him, because he felt that his blonde mate, acting like this, just pushes their 21-years-long relationship into the dirt – though he could understand that Mart wanted to forget. But Dave didn’t act the same way. And this difference was what really disturbed him. Yet Mart can still respect (maybe love?) him somewhere, because he never saw him with strong drinks and he still didn’t drink too much. Maybe it is better that he was avoiding him… maybe they’ll be able to become estranged from each other, they’ll become machines to each other, working together, but not friends, not humans, not living beings. This thought hurt him terrifically, but didn’t do anything against it.  
He spotted them. It wasn’t hard – they were giggling loud, sending glimpses towards him. He excused himself from his dudes and headed for the bar to order another beer before walking to the three ladies, engaging himself in the conversation after getting the invitation to join them. The gestures flitted and like a real gentleman he ordered the most expensive, strong drinks for them… anything they wanted, he just needed them to help in forgetting things.

The little group didn’t need much time and thanks for the drinks they were already in the middle of hot flirting. Mart soon sized up the situation and he liked the possible outcome of the evening. He let himself go and after a long period of time this was the first night when he drank a lot in public. Of course he did that alone in his room or with a woman – sometimes even on the side of a boy. Now he let the actual ladies bantering him. A hand was already placed on his thigh, but he didn’t resist. He sent down the short drinks quickly. His system could never bear them so he felt their effect soon.

Dave felt himself a bit stronger than lately and decided to show up on the after party – it was time to do so. He wanted to fit into society again from where he ripped himself out earlier. He could force even a smile onto his face as he stepped into the bar.

“Dave! What a nice surprise!” Christian exclaimed with a happy smile on his face “Come, come, sit down to us!” he invited him immediately.

Dave took the offered seat then got into some kind of conversation with the others. But after ten minutes a question slipped out of his mouth: “Martin?”

“Ehm…” Fletch adjusted his glasses confused “Well, he found better company than us” he cleared his throat.

“A better one?” Dave laughed “Who can be better than us?” It seemed that a faint sparkle of his good mood had returned.

Andy remained awkwardly quiet and rather sipped from his drink, and was very careful not to look at the happy little bunch of people a few tables far.

“I’d rather say that they are prettier than us” Chris noted, giggling, a bit already drunk and with his finger he mercilessly pointed towards that table. Andy sent him a homicidal look, which skipped the singer’s attention.

Christian looked back at Andy confused and shrugged, while Dave turned towards that table. He saw three pretty women with Martin, who was grinning idiotically, a sea of glasses in front of them. One of the girls laughed annoyingly and Dave’s eyes turned black.

“He drank?” he asked the evident question.

Andy turned around and glimpsed at Mart, sizing up the situation “It seems…” he made a face “When he left us he had just a few beers” he added, following as the blonde man sent down another short drink.

“It seems that he’s switched” Dave turned away from the sight. So Mart’s promise was worth this much?

Andy nearly swallowed in the wrong way from this sentence. He heard its ambiguity but this time he didn’t want to go into it. “Leave him be. I’ll talk with him tomorrow” he sighed when he was able to talk again without coughing.

“It’s unnecessary, Andy. You know what I do. It’s totally unnecessary…” he said and stood up from the table. He felt that they had succeeded with killing another part in him… but this time the killer wasn’t his wife, but Martin.

“What was this all about?” Chris asked, his eyes following the disappearing figure “What do you know both?” he turned to Andy with curiosity.

“It isn’t important” he waved with his hand “And it’s a long story anyway” he frowned.

\---

Upstairs in his room Dave was making his circles again and he hated himself because his tears were flowing again. He hated the fact that Marin was this important to him, he hated the decision he made 21 years ago and which pushed him into this, he hated himself, Depeche, Jen, everything and everyone! So this much did it worth to him? This much?! He’s not acting like this, but Mart does… Maybe he should get a fix too?! “Get this out of your head IMMEDIATELY!” a strong voice exclaimed in his head. It was right. That wouldn’t be a solution. There won’t be a solution for this situation.

\---

Meanwhile Martin got into a nice state of mind and accepted the ‘you don’t dare to do it’ challenge of the ladies. Accordingly, he soon found himself in his room with all three of them, getting rid off some tension. Martin was grateful for them and not just for the pleasures, but because during he concentrated on pleasing them, nothing else could get into his head.

\---

After a few hours he was lying satisfied and naked on his bed, staring at the ceiling, a bottle of brandy in one hand, sipping from it time after time. The three graces had left a few minutes ago, giggling and laughing. For them this night was a nice trip, but for him it was a “handrail” in surviving. And it was good. Until they’d left the room. In the moment the door had closed behind them, Dave got into his cloudy and slightly incoherent thoughts. He saw his face, the line of his naked body, so sharp that he had to rub his eyes then he drank a long sip from the cognac. No, no, no, he didn’t want to see this!! He wanted peace! Sleep! Rest! But this way he won’t be able!

“So… what the fuck… should I do?!?!” he exclaimed shortly, speaking with difficulty from the drinks, hitting the mattress with his free hand.

“Maybe you should not lie” a cold tone hissed from the dark.

Mart jumped a bit on the bed and lifted his head, trying to bring the singer in focus as he was standing in the dark. He hadn’t heard him coming in. For a moment he thought that he started hearing things too – Dave’s voice to be exact – but no, the man was really standing there.

“Dave?” he propped himself up on his elbow, not even noticing that he was still naked. He had to concentrate to put an apt sentence together: “What… are you… doing here?”

But he didn’t answer just lifted his hurt gaze on him then in the next moment he moved forward like a panther and he was already on Martin. He was thin, but he still had a part of his strength. He kneeled onto the blonde man’s arms, in the motion the cognac spilled onto the mattress. Dave fisted his hands and hit Mart’s face again and again.

“You last… untrue… heartless… reptile!” he shouted, stressing every word with another hit.

Martin coughed as blood flooded his throat from one hit on the nose, so the red fluid splashed onto Dave’s hand and forearm, but it didn’t seem that it moved him too much. He tried to get over the shock and resist, but he couldn’t free his arms, and thanks to the alcohol his senses were too numb. He couldn’t kick Dave’s back hard enough with his pulled-up knee to throw him off balance.

“Da…Da…ve!” he rattled with another portion of blood.

But Dave didn’t stop, he was just hitting him again and again without any break. Finally his arms went numb and he pushed himself off of Martin sobbing.

In the moment he was free again, Martin turned to his side to spit another big amount of blood onto the floor. His face, shoulders and every spot Dave showered with his hits hurt and throbbed badly. He suspected that one of his eyebrows had opened too, because he had to blink rapidly from a warm fluid, which always wanted to run into his eye. The whole room was spinning with him and he realized that he was crying just when something started burning his fresh wounds. He wanted to turn around and hit Dave from childish revenge, but he suspected that he won’t be able to do it thanks to the booze and his aching face. So he was just lying on his side, pulled his legs up and quietly cried and whined into the pillow like a beaten up, lost puppy.

Dave wouldn’t have been able to tell how much time had passed as he was lying vulnerable on his stomach, making wet the mattress with his tears. His sobbing eased and his husky voice broke out of him: “You lied to me in the eye…”

“I… I didn’t want to” he whimpered, moving his head on the bloody pillow just enough to free his mouth for the talk.

“You didn’t want to? You didn’t want to?! And the women?! You’ve got over me fucking quickly as I see!” Dave rose up “How can you fling out a 21-years-long love?!” he shouted.

“You misunderstand it” he muttered barely audible as the knife, which Dave was turning in him, went deeper.

“I misunderstand it?!” he shouted back and he had to force himself not to hit Martin again.

Mart already prepared himself for the next punches, curling up even more. He was afraid to turn around and look at Dave, because if he did so, he wouldn’t be able to hold his tears and emotions back, so he started to speak rather to the nightstand, which was in line with his vision. Now he was a bit more sober.

“Yes… How could I forget you, David?! You… you are in every breath I take…” he whispered, squeezing his hurt eyes shut “Can’t you see that I tried to survive this way?! If I was just sitting in my room, I’d have gone totally insane from the pain…” he sniffed, his whole body shaking “But… but when I was with them… then I finally had some peace… they helped me to forget the torturing pain, which bites me in every minute when I’m not with them… Harder than your blows….”

Dave’s fist was already in the air but he relaxed it and touched Martin’s back softly – his body following it as he nuzzled to the back of the man lying in front of him. He embraced Mart and buried his face between the shoulder-blades.

For a moment Martin froze from the unexpected touch then without a word he let Dave to nuzzle to his naked body. As the familiar scent hit his senses, his whole soul throbbed and he had to close his eyes, trying to swallow a sobbing-like sound. In the next moment he was already grabbing the embracing thin arm painfully firmly.

“I’m sorry!” he moaned out with some difficulty and the tears were already leaking, though he still tried to fight them.

“I’d never push you away. I love you so much!” he gave a bittersweet kiss on the soft skin between the shoulder-blades.

And this was it. He couldn’t take it anymore! As fast as he could he turned around and hid his injured face in Dave’s warm chest, not caring that he smudges his T-shirt. He wanted to be close to him as much as it was possible! He wanted to feel the warmth of his body, his scent, every part of him.

“I CAN’T TAKE THIS!!!” he cried out painfully into the singer’s chest, clinging to him desperately and started sobbing in a heartbreaking way.

Dave was just hugging him tightly and ran his fingers in the blonde curls, like he used to. Martin’s whole body was shaking and he dared barely to believe that he was really in Dave’s arms – even if just for a short amount of time. Now nothing else mattered to him and he let peace slowly come to him, filling his wounded and bleeding soul. He arrived home!

Dave slid lower so he could press his lips onto Mart’s forehead then he said: “We should clean your wounds.”

Mart was ashamed and turned his face away. He didn’t want Dave to see him like this, though he was the one who caused his wounds.

“My love…” Dave whispered quietly “You know that you don’t have to turn away from me.”

“But I feel ashamed” he whispered still crying “I deserved what I’ve got.”

“None of us deserved this.”

Martin didn’t agree with him completely – he thought Dave didn’t deserve this after all of those years of suffering, but he didn’t say a word, just let him take him by the hand and help him up, guiding him out to the bathroom. His head was still spinning from the drinks and the hits and he felt nauseous. He wanted to send Dave out, not to see him in an even more humiliating situation, but it was too late. He had time just to drop on his knees in front of the toilet and he was already heaving. His whole naked body shook in the convulsive contractions and his tears started running on his face from the strain… and maybe from the shame too.


	19. Chapter 19

**Chapter 19**

  


 

But Dave didn’t care in which condition Mart was, he was on his side – as he had been in the last few years, trying to support him. He took out two clean towels from a drawer and wet them before kneeling behind his mate. He put his hand gently on Mart’s back, waiting for the convulsive strain to ease up in him. When Mart gave out everything he had in his stomach, Dave carefully wiped off the blood from his face and lips then put the other clean towel onto his forehead, because he felt how warm it was from the alcohol and the strain. Finally he nuzzled up to him, embracing him from the back, as if he never wanted letting him go.

After flushing the toilet and his face felt a bit refreshed too from the now so soft touches, he let out a long sigh and rested his head on his forearm, sitting back on his heels as he was still kneeling in front of the ‘porcelain throne’, Dave nuzzled to his back. He tried to calm down his breathing and cleared his throat a few times because of the memory of the bitter taste. He felt himself dirty, broken and worn-out. He just wanted to clean his teeth, take a painkiller after a nice shower and slide under the cover with Dave so he could hide from the world and himself.

He lifted his head and stroked along the warm forearm, which was embracing him. With this he signaled Dave to let him go. His first aim was the toothbrush and the toothpaste to try and ease the disgust he felt towards himself. His head – despite the throbbing – got clearer now that he emptied the contents of his stomach. He carefully stood up, pushing the silent singer’s hand gently away – slightly squeezing it before letting it go – and he shuffled to the washbasin. When he was in front of it full in the nude, he didn’t look up at his face just reached for the toothbrush and paste and started washing his teeth with nearly maniac moves to get rid off the bitter taste in his mouth – which maybe wasn’t mostly the aftertaste of the vomiting but of the hopeless situation.

Dave remained sitting on the cold tiles. His mind knew that he should go now, but he wasn’t able to move, he was just drinking in Martin’s sight as if this was the first time he saw him since a long time ago.

He forced himself to stop washing his teeth. As he wiped his mouth with a towel, the wound on it opened again. As a red blood drop landed on the white porcelain he thought it was time to face himself… He slowly lifted his head and couldn’t stop a hiss from the sight. He’ll need a lot of make up to cover this…

“I’m sorry” the singer said “I was simply insanely mad at you.”

Mart just sighed and shook his head, showing him that he understands then he reached for some disinfectant just to flinch from the burning it caused in his wounds. But that pain was nothing compared the one he felt lately.

“Hm… at least you didn’t break my nose” his mouth curled up in a bitter smile, but he was careful not to let his wound open on it again. A bad black-eye was already visible under one of his eyes – the skin already swelling up – and he fixed his brow with two small plasters. A few purple bruises showed up on his cheekbones, swollen nose and chin, just like on his neck and shoulders, where Dave’s ring hurt his skin.

The singer stood up and joined Mart’s reflection in the mirror as he stepped behind him. He couldn’t stop himself, he had to stroke the naked butt. He terribly missed the warmth of his skin, their soft lovemakings, the feral sex, or just lying next to Mart, felling asleep together and waking up next to him.

The owner of the messy blonde hair closed his eyes for a moment as his whole body shivered from the delicate touch. He lifted his sad green eyes on Dave through the mirror. He nearly died too from being stuck in this situation and from the fact that they can’t move on.

“I… miss you… so much…” Dave faltered out with a whisper and from the inside pain he had to squeeze his eyes shut.

Mart swallowed hard, but the lump in his throat stayed.

“If… if I could make a deal… with anyone to stay with you… I wouldn’t hesitate for a moment… you know it, don’t you?” Mart whispered, watching him through the mirror as Dave leant closer to him.

This sentence hit him hard and he had to pull Curly close to him, burying his face into his neck. He wasn’t far from getting weak again, letting the tears fall again. But he didn’t want to cry. It would be a useless thing to do. Martin slowly took his face between his hands and looked into the nearly begging eyes. He had no heart to deny himself from Dave… and he wouldn’t be able to do so anyway. He carefully leant to the slightly open mouth, panting onto Dave’s lips before giving him a wobbly short kiss. Dave needed just this to get lost. He started kissing the man in front of him with mad passion, suppressed lust and pain, as if he was afraid of dying in the moment when they separate them again.

Martin’s whole naked body shook from the kiss and his skin broke out in goose bumps. He wanted this for so long! He could feel it such a long time ago! He greedily drank in Dave and everything his being could give him. Nothing else mattered for him now, just the man standing in front of him and his hungry lips and tongue. He felt that the hole in his heart finally got something to eat and from this his chained other self was purring coaxingly in the back of his mind. But now he didn’t care. He just concentrated on Dave and the long, longing and hungry kiss.

It was as if Dave woke up from a long and tiring dream, that he was alive and whole again, capable for everything. His hands wandered on Mart greedily – they wanted to discover every part of him again – because they could finally touch the admired body again. The singer wasn’t able to feel anything else than his burning love, which exploded inside of him after the long suppression. He could pull away from his lips just after long minutes to look into the piercing green eyes, wishing desperately not to leave him again.

The light-green eyes’ owner shook from this look. He just wanted to give himself to Dave, letting him do whatever he wanted to do to him. He knew that he wasn’t allowed, but still… He just couldn’t throw him out of his room now. But both of them knew that if they gave in to their desires and burning love, that won’t last forever. He cleared his throat.

“This night? Just ours?” he panted unsure and from his words it became clear that he meant that they had just this night left. Their last night together.

The asked man nearly died from knowing this, but nodded. It was already much more than he dared to expect. Before Dave could lean forward again to kiss him, Mart put his hand on his chest to stop him.

“Wait… first I want to wash them down… so I can be just yours… completely…” he whispered quietly.

Dave just nodded then turned away and walked out of the bathroom to melt into the darkness one more time, where he not long ago was stalking Martin to draw his blood in his anger. It was strange, but he felt a bit nervous. So many things had happened… they lived through so much pain… he was scared that they’ll get hurt again and that this will hurt even more than the first time.

Martin stepped under the shower without saying anything. For a few minutes he just let the water wash his stinging body and gave out a long sigh as he tried to get rid off the lump in his throat, which barely let him breathe. The pressure in his chest eased up just a little bit, but his stomach flipped as it came into his mind that maybe they were preparing for their last encounter. From this thought he hastily started scrubbing himself so he could be with Dave sooner – he didn’t want to waste any valuable minutes. After a little time he headed for the door nearly fully dried and refreshed. Now he didn’t bother putting on any clothes – it would have been useless anyway.

Dave was staring out of the window, watching the night-time city. The faint light which got into the room was enough to softly give out the outlines of the thin body. The brunette man was clearly lost in thoughts, he was just looking through the glass, but didn’t even see the streets and the rarely passing cars or the few loafing souls who were still out there.

Martin stopped quietly in the door and just watched the man with folded arms for a few minutes. The well-known warmth filled his heart. He always felt it when he looked at him – and if he let this feeling prevail over him. He stepped inaudibly to the room, letting the bathroom’s door open. The light seeped into the bedroom from behind his back, making a soft half-light in the room. He knew that Dave heard him approaching, but he didn’t mind. He glimpsed at the bed – the sheets had been changed. It was waiting for them. As he stepped next to Dave, he turned him towards him and caressed his face with a faint smile. He loved him so much! He started unbuttoning the bloody, simple dark shirt without a word. He felt himself as if they were preparing a devout ritual. Their last sacrifice on the altar of love?

Dave’s muscles tensed as he let Mart do so. Though his mind wanted more and more, he pulled himself back, didn’t let his desires go yet, which had been tied up for a long time and now they were tugging on their shackles madly. He slid his slightly shaking hand onto Martin’s face just to feel the warmth of his skin.

His love closed his eyes for a moment from the soft touch and he didn’t care that it hurt from the bruises. Nothing else mattered to him just being with Dave, just feeling him… He finished unbuttoning the shirt and he stroked it down immediately from its owner. Now he didn’t see how thin he became, he saw just the beauty of the revealed chest. He ran his fingertips gently around the dark tattoos, as if he wanted to burn them even more into his brain. Then he ran his fingers down on Dave’s side, the line of his pelvis, until they reached the buckle of his belt and they undid it. During all this he didn’t let the singer’s gaze go.

Dave got lost in the green eyes completely. His hands slid down onto the delicate neck then further down onto his chest to feel the heart beating under his palm.

“It’s beating just for you…” Mart whispered barely audible, getting rid off all of his inhibitions, doubts and chains, in the same way he stroked down the last piece of cloth from Dave. They were standing there naked. Both physically and spiritually. The air was smoldering between and around them from the warmth of the love they felt for each other, which they released for a last time.

“It’s match too. You took it away, but I gave it to you willingly” he answered with star-like shining in his eyes “But…” he went silent for a moment “I die without my heart” his gaze became begging, lost, like someone’s who was left alone in the dark.

“Oh god… David!” he exclaimed, swallowing his tears back and without thinking he hugged him tightly, burying his face into the fragrant neck. He couldn’t take it! He just couldn’t take it!

Dave embraced Mart’s back and pressed his body to his, as if he never wanted to let him go. And he never wanted to do so. Ever. Mart didn’t want to make things harder for Dave, so he didn’t tell him the lengthy confession about how much he loved him and no matter what’ll happen, this won’t change. Maybe once he’ll write a song about it and will send it to him. But now he could just falter out – moved by his emotions – that “I’ll love you until my last breath…” and before his love could say anything, he pressed his lips against Dave’s.

Dave returned the soft kisses again, his long fingers wandered on his blonde mate’s body as slowly – next to love – the lust started awakening inside of him too. Mart reached for Dave more greedily as his hunger grew. He nuzzled under Dave’s touches with his shaking body and he didn’t break their kiss while one of his hands slid down from Dave’s stomach to his groin, starting caressing him tenderly. Dave growled from the touch as the stimulus shot through his body. His fingers dug into the blonde curls as he started to want more. Martin moaned into the kiss faintly then he pulled away from Dave’s mouth and slowly kissed and bit along his neck and chest, until he was kneeling in front of him. He wanted to taste him immediately! And he did it – so wholeheartedly as if he was doing it for the first time.

Dave moaned onto the ceiling then not moving his head he said: “You haunted me in my dreams…”

“Tell me about it…” he asked quietly after sliding him out of his mouth for a moment then he sensually licked along one of his balls and started sucking on it, getting lost in his job.

“I often re-dreamed our encounters or that we are still happy…” another moan escaped him “Waking up was the worst! I was looking for you, but you weren’t there.”

“As you weren’t there for me either…” he whispered and straightened up with sad eyes, knowing that after this night he won’t be there ever again. He stroked Dave’s shoulder then looked into his eyes, whispering onto his lips: “I want to give myself to you.”

Dave claimed another kiss for himself while they started stepping towards the bed then he simply pushed Martin down on it, pulling away from him, and kneeled down in front of the sitting man, taking his already rock-hard member greedily between his lips. It was a divine feeling, he missed this taste on his tongue!

He propped himself on his elbows and moaned upwards then looked down at the man between his tights again, who was sucking on him. He could have never thought that things would turn out this way. He thought that Dave will fulfill his demand right away, but he wasn’t complaining. His heart sped up and he groaned and groaned again and again.

Dave busied himself with the throbbing hardness in his mouth, but he wanted to feel his nearly ex-lover around him, so he propped himself on Mart’s thighs and straightened up to steal a few more kisses from him. He put his hands onto his shoulders and pushed him down onto the sheets. In the very minute the blonde man laid flat, Dave crawled over him and pampered his chest and neck, going upwards to his ear and whispered into it: “I want you… Turn around!”

He obeyed without a word and got on all fours. He couldn’t believe how different the situation was than an hour before when Dave wanted to beat him to death… Now he rather wanted to fuck him to death…

First Dave kissed his shoulder and neck, went on along his spine where he bit the sensitive skin then he returned to his neck and carefully started penetrating into the tight and missed hotness. Martin whined from the sweet pain and the wild pleasure he felt.

“Oh god… how I missed you from inside of me!!”

The man didn’t answer – the feeling that he can be finally free blew his mind off – finally he can satisfy his hungry body and soul, finally he can shake his chains off, even if just for one night. He took a deep breath then started his sweet attack.

Martin gave out a throaty groan with every push, sinking deeper and deeper into the sea of pleasures. The burning fire flooded his body and salty sweat drops started to form on his warm skin. He loved the feeling beyond words as Dave filled him completely, as he was holding his waist and moaned behind him. His nails dug into the mattress from the pleasure he felt and he bent a bit forward to give better access to his love. He had to take a glimpse over his shoulder to see his reaction.

Dave grabbed the opportunity like a hungry predator would go for its prey. He sped up and moaned loudly as his fingers dug into the skin of Mart’s waist. His lover watched him, his face flushed, and to intensify Dave’s pleasure, he started playing on him with his inner muscles, forgetting his own desires. In exchange suddenly Dave reached forward and grabbed Mart’s cock, which was still wet from his previous sucking. He squeezed him firmly and started pumping it.

The man under him cried out loud. He went nuts for this man! He would have given up his soul for him! And now he was grateful for the attention Dave paid on him. After a few moves he couldn’t hold it back: he exploded onto his love’s hand and the sheet, knowing well that the contracting of his muscles forced Dave to stop.

“I’m… I’m sorry!” he faltered out panting.

But Dave just laughed and went on until his constant moaning ended up in a big one and his body tensed as he let his pain go, nearly forgetting completely forgetting it. Mart gave out a long growl-like moan from the feeling of the hot fluids inside his body. He was still panting as he let Dave slide out and collapse on him. He loved the weight of his body on himself. Dave’s lips found the soft neck and shoulders again as he showered them with his kisses. He loved Mart so much! His mate was breathing confidently under him, looking at the pillow next to him, but he didn’t really see it, he was just drinking in the warmth of Dave’s sweaty body, his touches and his presence. He could have died in that moment.

After a little while Dave rolled next to Mart and nestled himself between the toned arms. Mart hugged him tightly. Now everything seemed so good and simple. As if everything was alright and nothing bad would threat them, as if they could be together forever. Martin wanted to give himself completely to this feeling, forgetting the worry and the pain he felt. He wanted to believe this fake safety.

“You won’t kick me out until morning, will you?” Dave asked with a smile, but it was clear from his eyes that he was afraid that maybe Mart will push him away, knowing that they aren’t one anymore.

“Not for all the money in the world” he looked deep into the singer’s eyes, caressing his face with his fingertips.

Dave put his head back onto the warm chest “I don’t want to go away from here - ever.”

“I don’t want to let you go – ever.”

Dave smiled then felt his eyelids getting heavier. He used up a lot of his energies during this night – especially emotionally. He still tried to fight with the sandman, but finally gave up.

“I won’t let you rest for too long…” he whispered onto Dave’s forehead and kissed it then he leant his chin against the top of the singer’s head, pulling him even closer, and letting two silvery tear drops run into the dark hair.

\---

He hasn’t slept at all. He wasn’t able. Since Jen had parted them he had trouble with sleeping anyway. It seemed that it came just when he knocked himself out with the booze or his actual one-night-stands wore him out to death. He wasn’t sleepy now, just a nice tiredness and calmness fell onto his exhausted body. Although Dave was sleeping on his chest like a little boy, finally he could breathe freely. And he wanted to take and store as many deep breaths as possible, because he knew – he felt it – that he’ll have to keep body and soul together with these in his oncoming dark years, when he’ll sit alone in a room, writing dozens of songs for his long lost and robbed love, who’ll be far away from him by that time.

But now he didn’t want to let these dark thoughts flood his mind. Now he wanted to enjoy the night and being with Dave until he can. Maybe a little bit more than an hour had passed since the exhausted man fell asleep on him. Mart suspected that since a long time this was the first time when he could sleep calmly, letting his heartbeats leading Dave on the path of his dreams. He knew that Dave wasn’t a good sleeper – he couldn’t sleep for more than two or three hours, just in case he was very tired. But even then he woke with a start, chased by his nightmares. This was like this since long-long years. His monsters were sometimes still chasing him in his dreams. But he said that when he was with Martin, these troubled dreams came rarely. Mart really wanted to let him rest, but he couldn’t wait anymore. The longer he watched the sleeping beauty on his chest, the more the sight enchanted him and felt the growing desire inside. He couldn’t get enough of him. And he won’t ever.

He started gently caressing Dave’s sensitive spine with his fingertips then ran them on every single muscle, drawing the complicated swirling lines of his back-tattoo from his mind. With his other hand he dug into the dark – somewhere already grey – hair, just to start to tickle the sensitive skin behind his ear with feather-light touches. Dave growled, moved a bit, but he didn’t wake up from his sweet dream. Now Mart began to use his nails on his lover’s back, which was warm from the sleep, digging them deeper and deeper into the soft skin with every move. If he was able to do it, he would have scratched the nice-shaped hard butt too, but in this position he could reach down just to the sensible waist.

Dave slowly opened his eyes and yawned before turning to Mart with a smile “What a wake up…” he murmured.

“You don’t like it?” he smiled down at him.

“I didn’t say that!” he laughed “I love it when you’re pampering me.”

“It’s mutual…” he noted on his unusually deep tone and went on with the tender scratches on Dave’s waist. In the bathroom’s light Mart’s eyes turned suddenly darker. “I hope you don’t mind that I woke you up, thanks to my desire…” he added and his sentence sounded like a question and a statement in the same time. He felt as his groin started getting hot even just from looking into the lazily shining eyes.

“No, not at all. What do you plan with me?” a pervert and dark smile appeared on Dave’s face.

“Maybe it won’t be a surprise if I say that I’ll make you mine… In the way you like it too… Passionately… without borders… completely giving myself to my pleasures… Hm… what do you say? Do you want me to fuck you like this?” he switched to dirty talk at the end.

“Yes!” the green eyes sparkled.

“Then turn onto your stomach next to me, my sweet!” came the playful, but dirtily dark demand.

Dave did what he was told and laid flat on his tummy there. Martin let his eyes wander on the naked and tattooed body with pleasure. He kneeled next to Dave and ran his index-finger very slowly along the perfect skin, barely touching it. He already knew that he’ll drive his lover crazy and will give such pleasures to him, which he’ll never forget, which he can take with himself wherever he’ll go in the future. In the next moment he was already over Dave, and he comfortable sat down onto the singer’s thighs to start his refined torture. He let his hands go up on Dave’s back with a satisfied smile and began giving a little massage to the slightly tense shoulders.

Dave growled contentedly. This little pampering felt so good to him, because lately no one attended to him. As a turn Mart dug his nails into the flushed skin and scratched along the singer’s back. Mart knew how much the singer liked pain during sex. Dave arched his back to feel the pain more intensely. Suddenly his torturer leant forward and bit his shoulder hard, just to repeat it a bit lower right away. Dave couldn’t suppress his yell, but he didn’t mind – he wanted more, he wanted everything from Mart.

The blonde man finished off his back methodically, just to lick into the bite marks or kiss the line of his spine. Without any warning he let his rapidly hardening cock glide between Dave’s buttocks, but hearing the longing moan he pulled away and moving down he bit into the taut ass hard. He knew that this’ll leave a mark and this contented him.

Dave’s yell ended up in a laugh. In his impatience he started to move. Mart grinned, but to stop Dave’s laugh he opened the singer’s legs slightly apart and stroked along his testicles, just to find his piercing right away – pulling on it warningly. The man under him tamed down immediately, but under the surface his emotions were still swirling.

His torturer licked the edge of his mouth contentedly, just to lean down and start licking the previously stroked area. To season the pampering, a few times he suddenly bit into the sensitive inner thighs then dug his tongue back into the ring, turning on his love even more. Dave couldn’t stop his deep growl-like moans as he grabbed the sheet and his back tensed. This blonde man drove him crazy!

Mart got lost more and more in pampering him and slowly he started losing his connection with the outside world too. With a soft smack he let one of Dave’s balls go, which he was sucking on then straightened up, stroking along his thighs, commanding him on a husky tone: “Kneel up… Now!”

Dave propped himself on his shaking hands and slowly got on all fours. He let his head dangle deep and waited Mart to go on with closed eyes. But his lover didn’t move. Martin sat back onto his heels, feasting his eyes with Dave’s exposed body in front of him, moving his hand on his own cock. He just wanted to jump on him right now, but he wanted to torture the singer a bit more, who peeked at him over his shoulder. He could see the slight confusion on his face.

“Turn back and wait!” he barked, moving just with his hand as he smacked Dave’s butt, hitting him willingly on his bite mark.

The brunette hissed, but returned to his former position. He was waiting as he was told.


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter 20**

  


 

The pervert smile had returned onto Mart’s face as he squeezed his own cock harder, moaning out loud to torture his victim more. He saw on him how badly he was shaking after him, but he still waited a little more. He wanted the next stimulus to be unexpected.

Dave tried to fulfill the order without looking back at Martin and waited with his shaking body. He felt Mart getting into position behind him, teasing him with the tip of his rock-hard cock as he made circles around his entrance and piercing. First he could manage to remain silent – he believed that it was just a short foreplay – but Martin didn’t make his next move.

“Please! Pull me onto your cock!” he moaned nearly painfully.

“No” the short and harsh answer came. He panted silently and pulled away until he didn’t touch the impatient singer at all. The tension was nearly palpable now, getting unbearable for both of them. But Martin wanted Dave to whine and beg for him. He wanted to hear this side of him once again. From this thought he couldn’t stop a throaty growl and as the red fog fell onto his mind, he leant over Dave’s waist and sank his teeth mercilessly into the thin and sensitive skin before moving down with his bites onto the singer’s butt. He couldn’t bear it! He was biting and licking him panting then he wet him properly with his tongue.

“Please, Martin! I can’t take it anymore! I’m begging you!” the singer exclaimed.

“Hmmm… still not enough… Act like a famished whore!” he ordered and another smacking sound could be heard in the room as Mart hit Dave’s ass.

Dave turned around and lay down onto his stomach to take Mart’s cock into his mouth again. He couldn’t take it anymore! It looked that this was unexpected for the blonde man. He had to throw his head back from the feeling, but he let himself into Dave’s mouth just a few times – just letting him wet his cock – then he grabbed Dave’s hair by his nape and pulled him roughly away, using a cold tone: “Impatient little whore! You know well that I didn’t mean this!” he looked down coldly into the wide-opened eyes “Back into your former position and do what I said!”

But this time Dave had enough from being submissive – he wanted Martin and he wanted him now. His green eyes flickered and he didn’t mind his hair as he broke free from Mart’s grip with a sudden move then he nearly jumped onto his lover, who fell back onto the bed from the élan. Dave pinned him down with his weight then he crawled up a bit so their hard cocks could touch. He had to moan from the feeling.

Martin let himself enjoy it just for a moment – with his next move he already put up a fight and didn’t stop until he rolled the disobedient man off of him and made him lay flat on his stomach. He used his strength and pressed him into the mattress hard, pushing down Dave by his neck with one hand. He let him only to turn his head to the side so he could breathe. He pressed his whole body against his and leant to his ear to pant hoarsely into it: “You greedy whore! You know that for this I’ll have to punish you, don’t you?” he dug his fingers harder into his nape as a warning, while his other hand squeezed his own rock-hard cock firmly. “Don’t expect any mercy!” he added on a deep tone and without any warning he rammed into Dave roughly.

Dave cried out loud from the contrasting feeling of pleasure and pain. Finally! After a long while he could feel the blonde man inside of him again. He didn’t care if he took him roughly or tenderly… or that he raped him. It didn’t matter. He just wanted to feel the maddening hardness moving inside of him.

Mar really didn’t show any mercy – his every move followed each other roughly, dictating a quick tempo as he was still holding his mate down. He gave out another throaty growl from the tight hotness which surrounded his aching cock. He nearly went insane from it! He was already rattling as he gasped for air again and again, but this still wasn’t enough for him!

“Come on, whore! I wanna hear dirty things!” he yelled at him, giving him an especially hard thrust, pushing himself all the way up into the shaking body.

Dave moaned again. “What do you want to hear? That I’m yours eternally? That I love it when you’re like this? That I love the feeling of your hard dick moving roughly in me?”

“Dirtier!” he barked at him, completely losing his mind and suddenly he stopped to make circles with his hips, driving Dave totally crazy. But his mate could only whine now.

“I want more of you! I can’t get enough of you… FUCK ME HARDER!” he cried out loud at the end.

Mart panted and moaned contentedly and quickly lifted up Dave’s hips a bit more, but with his other hand he was still pressing the singer’s head into the pillow.

“That’s it! Let it out!” he yelled at him, thinking on the piled up tension inside of Dave “Scream for me, whore! Scream my name!!” he rammed his cock back into Dave.

And David screamed his ruler’s name - long and loud – he did his best. He tried to push back against Mart, but his shaking hands weren’t strong enough. The first sweat drops appeared on his waist and his heart nearly jumped out from his chest. The pleasure blew off Mart’s mind totally as he could hear his name like this from Dave’s mouth. More, more, more – he wanted even more! Never and nothing was enough for him! He didn’t care that it was likely that the singer’s deafening yells could be heard even two floors lower. He felt that he just had left just a few moments before exploding, so he suddenly grabbed Dave’s hard cock to squeeze it hard.

The few pumps Mart gave to his aching cock were too much for the brunette, who yowled loudly as he cummed onto the sheet. His orgasm came like ecstasy for him after all the longing. His lover gasped for air as Dave’s wavering muscles clamped down on his throbbing hardness painfully. For a few moments he couldn’t even move from the clamp-like contractions, but when he could go on – now grabbing Dave’s hips tightly with both hands – after a few firm thrusts he exploded inside of him with a loud yell. He was blinded by the wonderful, long-awaited relief.

Dave welcomed Mart’s last drop too then moaned as the man slid out of him. Finally he moved, but he had to clench his teeth together from the sharp pain. Martin finished him off. He put his lower body down onto the clean side of the bed more carefully than usual, turning onto his side. Curly collapsed onto his stomach exhausted, gasping for air wildly. His blonde and wet curls stuck together and sweat glistened on his whole body. He enjoyed the remains of pleasure with closed eyes and shaking body, grabbing the sheets. The man next to him dug into the sweaty curls as he smiled gently. He loved watching Mart this way – he found him beautiful.

His satisfied dominant side pulled back into the corner of his mind, purring there, while Mart moved towards the stroking hand and very slowly opened his still cloudy eyes, which were glistening wonderfully. For a few moments he watched the sheet then he turned his head to focus on his lover. He felt as his heart and breathing slowed down. The stroking hand wandered onto his face as Dave was watching him moved.

“I go crazy for you” Mart whispered hoarsely and with dry mouth.

Dave slowly slid closer to the naked body until he nuzzled to it completely. He didn’t say a word just pressed his lips onto Mart’s, who enjoyed the kiss with closed eyes. Now this tenderness felt so good after the previous hot shag. He broke the slow and sweet kisses just after a few minutes. He pulled slightly back to look into Dave’s contentedly shining eyes.

“Does it hurt?” he asked with worry in his voice.

“I’ll survive this” he said and he couldn’t stop himself: he buried his face into the crook of Mart’s neck. He wanted to be as close to him as it was possible.

His mate was still lying on his stomach and let Dave nearly climb over him in his diligence to make their bodies touch on every possible surface. He enjoyed the hot breaths puffing against his neck with a quiet sigh, knowing that his skin broke out in goose bumps. He knew what Dave meant with his words. “Everything’ll be fine…” he whispered on a low tone, trying to convince himself as well “We both will survive.”

“Probably. But I’ll have this aching longing for you in the rest of my life, I’ll miss you. I’ll have no peace of mind.”

“Neither will I…” he noted, staring at the pillow over Dave’s head and was thinking on the sleepless nights which lay ahead of him.

Dave just moaned painfully from this and embraced the beloved warm body even tighter. He wanted to hide from the world so no one could find them again or would take away their happiness.

“I just want to run off with you, leaving this whole circus behind us” he said very quietly, whispering Dave’s thoughts.

A painful sigh escaped Dave’s mouth as he saw the fake picture of a happier life flash in front of his eyes. He would have left anything for being able to stay with Martin… anything – Depeche, his family, his life… he would have given up everything, even his soul – the prize didn’t matter.

“Imagine how it’d be living together…” Martin daydreamed with a bitter smile “Finally free from the pressure, just loving each other…” he sighed at the end, embracing Dave with one arm and caressing his shoulder.

“I can’t think of anything else…” Dave’s voice failed him then he pulled himself together “I’d give up everything for this opportunity. Everything.”

“But you know we can’t do that” he stroked along Dave’s back.

“Why not? If I broke free from my ties, I’d be all yours… and I can break free from them” he looked into the green eyes.

By now Martin knew that it was a mistake to bring up this topic, but it didn’t matter anymore. He sighed. “You know that you can’t let them down… especially not the kids.”

“Jack’s a grown-up, and Jimmy and Rosie will be that too. The love I feel for them won’t change, ever. But Jen had no right to ask this from me…”

“I meant that if this gets public – you and me living together and that we feel much more than just friendship for each other – then would you expose them to such questions like ‘your dad is really a faggot’? Not to mention my kids?”

“Sure I wouldn’t… I’m sorry. I’m selfish” he watched Mart’s chest while his eyes filled up with sorrow.

“No problem, I’m selfish a bit too…” he smiled bitterly and moved a bit to reach under Dave’s chin, lifting his head and making eye-contact “I’d like… I’d like to be more selfish, fling myself into this, not caring about what tomorrow would bring, but I can’t forget what’s good for my children. The world is not prepared for this and neither are we or our family.”

Dave just watched the green eyes while something slowly died inside of him… he finally realized that there is no hope… that the story of their love had ended for good.

“No… my sweet… don’t look at me like this, please…” Mart’s heart sunk.

“I can’t look at you otherwise… I’m sorry” the faint answer came. The pain was burning him alive from the inside.

“I know… I know…” he caressed the stubbly face softly, filled with love. He found Dave so beautiful even in his anguish! He was watching the well-known man, who was clinging to him nearly painfully. After a long silence he added: “I don’t regret anything. Not for a moment.”

Dave swallowed hard, but the lump in his throat stayed. Why? Why do they have to say goodbye to each other? Why? “Neither do I. I still wouldn’t exchange with anybody.”

“Until I can be in your arms, I say the same…” he sighed, brushing out a wavy tuft from Dave’s forehead. He liked his hair when it was curly. Dave often let his hair like this for him. But this was when nothing had threatened their happiness-bubble, which had burst out for good long ago. He felt that they were at the end of a chapter in their lives. They’ll have to close an important, long period and leave it behind, locking the door and throwing the key away. They were still standing on the doorsill, looking back onto the countless scenes, which built up this chapter. But soon it’ll be time to turn the key in the lock, sealing the door forever.

Dave felt this too and his whole body was protesting against it. His silent howl shook him from the inside. He didn’t want this to happen. But he won’t be the one who’ll do it – it’ll be the first ray of dawn, that moment when he’ll get dressed and close the door behind him. And he’ll have to look forward – never back. His long and lonely road will last till the end of his life and he knew that he’ll mourn this relationship in every moment. Maybe when his soul will be free, breaking away from his body, when he’ll be really free, then they’ll be able to be together again somewhere far away from here… far away from the bad things, the disgust, from the lack of understanding… from people.

His love let himself get lost in Dave’s eyes. He knew what was on his mind and his heart sank painfully as he said the words out loud: “Yes… maybe one day we’ll be free…”

“You’ll wait for me, won’t you?”

“Forever” he faltered out huskily and couldn’t see clear from the tears.

“Oh god, Martin…” he sighed moved from his feelings and returned to Mart’s lips, kissing them until he had time.

Mart closed his eyes and let himself go in his friend’s tenderness, two silvery drops running down his cheeks. He rolled onto his back, pulling Dave over him and he just kissed and kissed him until they couldn’t breathe. Dave returned them as if he never wanted to let him go – and it was true. If he was able, he would have died right there.

They were kissing for a long while, giving and opening themselves completely for each other, using that few time they had left. They pampered each other with ease, they made love again and again until it wasn’t late. After their long lovemakings they fell asleep exhausted but contentedly in each other’s arms, trying to suppress the choking feeling, which warned them that the night was about to end.

But despite this Dave had his sweetest dream, curled up between Martin’s arms, touching his skin. While he was sleeping unconscious nothing hurt and his nightmares had left him alone as well. After they got very exhausted, the blonde man closed his eyes and pulled Dave closer to him to croon a nice little melody for him as a lullaby until he fell asleep from the warmth of David’s body and embrace. Slowly they’d spent their last peaceful hours too.

\---

Dave came round slowly and he opened his eyes. He was lying on his side, watching Martin and drinking in the details. For the last time he gently touched the soft blonde curls, kissed his forehead then his lips too, just to carefully climb out of his embrace and get dressed. He didn’t wake up Martin, because in case he did, he would have never been able to say goodbye to him. He looked back from the door one more time. His hand on the handle was shaking, but he squeezed his eyes shut and quietly sneaked out of the room. It was over.

He moved just after more than two hours when the friendly morning light peeked into the room through the gap between the curtains, tickling his face playfully. He turned his head on the other side with a growl. He was about to sink back into his dream when a little bell started tinkling in his head: something was missing. He reached out his hand for Dave to embrace him again, but his fingers touched just the cold sheet. He froze and very slowly opened his eyes. His worst nightmare came true: Dave wasn’t there anymore. From now on he’ll have to wake up every morning without him… The dream had disappeared from his eyes immediately and he was just lying there, staring at Dave’s literally cold place. The creases of the sheets still held the imprint of his body, which he slowly stroked along. So he’d left…

The pain started to creep up slowly in his throat. He pressed his free hand to his chest as the pain came suddenly, jumping on him like a predator, tearing open the wound on his soul again and digging its sharp claws deeply into him. He thought that everything had ended right then and there. A dry, suffocating sob escaped him as he grabbed the sheet.


	21. Chapter 21

**Chapter 21**

  


 

Days were passing by and Dave seemed calm, somehow a bit more collected in his behavior. He wasn’t fighting anymore. There was nothing to fight for. He accepted his fate, he deferred to the facts – this was the best he could do. He concentrated hard on his work. And though he didn’t avoid Martin, he never set his eyes on him, didn’t talk to him and pure sadness radiated from his eyes. He was broken – the light of his flame started to fade away and it’ll never flicker the way like before. No, not until he gets his heart back.

The tour went along, but the enthusiasm was missing from Mart. He did his job automatically, like a robot – without emotions. He couldn’t smile or laugh. He watched the world, the people around him with a dark gaze. He hated them. Maybe even more than any time before. It was always hard for him to make them understand him, to open up in front of them, but now he didn’t even want it. He got his life, the success, the devotion and love from them, and the unfair, cruel kick too, which nearly killed him. In the first few days the hole in his chest threatened him with eating him up alive, but since then it was just massively throbbing so hard that he barely could breathe. They ripped out Dave from there and his heart should have been there too, but the singer took it with him. And this hole could be never fixed again. From now on he’ll take it with himself forever as a memento of their burning and everlasting love, hidden from the unworthy gazes, torturing him silently.

Days had passed but Dave didn’t even notice that, he just let himself be driven by the happenings. He didn’t pay attention to it and came to his senses just when they were approaching to the end of the tour, when they had arrived in Düsseldorf, where they’ll have the last two tour-closing concerts.

‘I hope you’ll pull yourselves together for the last concert…’ Martin heard Kessler’s voice echoing in his mind. That was the moment when he realized that he couldn’t recall the last few gigs. When he tried his best to remember, he saw just pictures of the traveling, the flashes of lights, the blurred masses of fans and the dull hotel rooms. The tour will end soon, he sighed. In a few days time he won’t be able to see Dave even if he wanted, because they won’t be on tour anymore. Everyone will go back to their family. Except he. Of course he’ll spend some time with his kids, whom he saw a long time ago, but before that he’ll need a few days alone until he adapts himself back to the real world. Knowing that not just a corridor will part him from his love made him sad. He still loved him with his burning love. But he couldn’t do anything. He pushed away the remains of his lunch and was just sitting in the hotel’s restaurant, staring in front of him.

Kessler’s message - that they should pay more attention - had reached Dave too. To tell the truth Dave pulled himself together just for those two hours while he was on stage, but otherwise he was “off mode” – he didn’t remember who, when and what have told him and this drove the band members slowly crazy. He didn’t see Martin. It was as if his brain had erased his existence from his head – he didn’t sense or notice him. He didn’t exist. He had died – they’d killed him in Dave’s eyes. He missed him – or he would have felt that way if this curtain hadn’t been there, numbing the feelings and the world’s signals.

\---

He was preparing silently. Everything was just a routine for him. But now – out of the ordinary – his mind was blank, no thoughts came as they usually did before. He let Peter and the others joke around and getting him into a better mood. He adjusted his shining suit once more in the common room then followed the others to face the 50,000 fans.

It seemed that life has returned into Dave for a short while. His long-missed self exploded onto stage and he began his performance – and the crowd, the beloved crowed, showed them on papers their message: they wanted them to come back. This touched him. He felt sorry for the time passing so quickly and that the end of that evening was getting nearer.

Martin was just watching the fans - it seemed that they were having a great time. By “Policy” they were playing with a whole field of balloons and after “Photographic” all those white papers in their hands with the words “Come back”… He was deeply moved by this much love. Surprisingly he enjoyed the show too. Somehow they’ve managed to move him out from his lethargy and his former self made a short appearance too. He let Dave touch and hug him whenever he could. He knew that he says goodbye to him and to the tour like this.

Before the last “Personal Jesus” on this tour Dave felt that he had to share his thoughts and feelings which were swirling in his mind. He thanked for the crew and the audience. He felt that this concert was way more different than the others before. They have been in the music business in the last 30 years and he still saw crowds.

Mart had to grin on Dave’s outburst and when he reached the end of his monologue, he was the one who stepped to the microphone and thanked for Dave. He knew that the singer’ll understand the hidden meaning of his words, but he was surprised from Dave’s reaction. He laughed out loud when this crazy, adorable singer went on his knees in front of him, not caring about the mass of their fans.

Dave couldn’t stop himself. When he looked to the side, he saw Martin. He saw him. His glistening skin, the adored messy blonde curls, the beautiful smile and the mysterious deep eyes, which have doomed him to eternal captivity. His knees went weak under the weight of Mart’s words then as he stood up, he didn’t even realize what he was doing – his arms just moved to embrace the blonde musician. The feeling of the other body’s warmth on his own skin filled him with life, which he used after “Personal Jesus” to force himself to be able to break away from the crowd. The fans didn’t even know that they literally helped him through the last few concerts.

His blonde man was still under the spell of the concert and let happiness and relief fill his heart one last time – they could finally get over and settle this. Bit from “settling” another kind of settling came into his mind. Yes, he should finish that one too. For good. His stolen, fake good mood slowly disappeared as he looked at his exhausted but cheerful band mates leaving the stage. After a few slaps on his back Dave headed for his dressing room, rubbing his wet hair with a black towel. Mart followed him. Now or never!

Before the singer could have closed the door, Mart pushed it in and pinned the surprised and confused singer gently to the wall, pressing his glittery mouth deliberately but tenderly against Dave’s lips. Dave’s shock slowly evaporated as he let himself go and was just tasting and tasting the sweet lips.

His attacker grabbed Dave’s wet vest and upper-arm firmly, first kissing him slowly then in a rush – drinking in Dave’s whole being, his scent, his presence, his taste, the warmth of his body and energy. Through the kiss he sucked out everything he could. He didn’t want to leave him here! He so didn’t want to do it! He wanted to… he wanted to do so many things! But could do just one: he broke the kiss and looked into the cloudy, adored eyes for a few moments then he let Dave go and hurried out of the room. He was on the run.

Dave stepped to the door and watched him disappear around a corner. He knew that though this was their third goodbye, this was the final one. They could leave each other just in three “rounds” and the parting was still not complete. Because they’ll have something which will always bind them together. Their love won’t stop, they’ll have “just” to suppress it. Just. He promised. He’ll wait for him…

\---

He didn’t look back. He threw his things into his case and what he needed into his bag, quickly changed his clothes and went back to the hotel the way he was. After a quick shower – to stop his thoughts – he started packing again. He knew that he’ll have to go to some club because of the last big after party, but until that he had to busy himself with something. He didn’t want to freak out. No, not yet. He buried his feelings deep inside and he didn’t care that he couldn’t swallow or breathe. He didn’t let out anything. Through the years he became an expert of how to repress his feelings. He didn’t know how he’ll survive the forthcoming period of time.

Soon they were in that club where they had to appear. With much difficulty he forced a smile onto his face and now he was glad that Dave ducked this party as well. At least Mart hadn’t had to crave for him from a distance – or worst: from close. He would not have been able to stay in one room with him after that kiss.

Dave packed his things at ease. He wasn’t in the mood of going home, he didn’t want to leave his love behind, and he really didn’t want to see his wife. He was scared. The future was so unsure and he had to face it alone. Old and nice memories were haunting him. The first kiss, their first lovemaking, the night when he realized that he’s in love, the feeling that he felt safe with Martin and the songs, all those songs written for him and about them! How will be he able to live like this? Knowing that in some kind of forms every damned record they made will remind him on his loss? And they will do that, he knew well, he knew his smart mate – with his lyrics he just told what he felt. Dave was already afraid of the next recording session – if there will be one at all…

 

He didn’t wait for the others. He left a message on the reception in which he shortly said goodbye to the band – it was quick and impersonal. He would not have been able to face a real farewell. The burning pain in his soul didn’t matter – even if it made his beast squirming inside of him – he just wanted to get as far from Martin as possible.

Andy told him that Dave had left without saying goodbye, alluding to tiredness and that he really wanted to get home. Mart didn’t even remember when his red-haired friend had told him this. He made a cynical face. ‘Yeah, sure… he really wanted to get home…’ he thought picking up his bag. They were about to leave for the airport. He suspected how cold things will be between Dave and Jen for a long while… He couldn’t imagine how Dave will have the strength to face Jen in this broken state, how will he be able to look at her or touch her… He would not have been able! No, he didn’t want to go into this deeper, cuz he felt that the cold anger was already boiling inside of him. And this kind of anger was more dangerous by him than its fierce pair, which just flares up and quickly fades away. He felt the cold dagger go deeper into his aching heart. Everything was lost.  
Nearly the whole flight skipped his mind. He didn’t know what the future will bring – whether there will be a new album or tour at all – now he felt sick even from the thought – he just wanted to get home and hide from the world. He wanted to sleep. He was so fucking tired…  
After a few hours he opened the main door and stepped into the empty house. Standing in the door he froze and gasped for air as it dawned on him that he was alone. Completely alone.

\---

Dave opened the door of their flat. The kids jumped happily into his neck. This made him smile and he hugged them immediately. Jen walked closer too, but he stopped her with one cold look. The buried anger he felt for her was threatening with flaring, but he didn’t want it to happen in front of the kids. Jen swallowed hard but stopped. She suspected that something like this will happen, though maybe she had a little hope until now. That look frightened her.

“Daddy, daddy, now you came back for good, didn’t you?!” Rosie asked happily, already in his father’s neck, while the slender Jimmy was waiting for his hug patiently.

“Sure, honey, I won’t go anywhere” Dave smiled, while he lifted up his daughter and hugged Jimmy too. No, he can’t go anywhere. Because of the kids. Martin was right.

“Cool!” Jimmy hugged him back and Stella gave a peck on his stubby, careworn face.

“Are you tired?” she asked frowning after examining him better.

“Maybe a bit. But I satisfied a lot of people and finally I can be with you, so it doesn’t matter.”

“Good then!” she gave him an angelic smile then nuzzled to his missed dad.

Of course Jen knew that he lied, but didn’t say a word. She felt herself a bit lost as she was standing there in the hall with her hands folded in front of her chest. And maybe she tried to prepare herself for a possible conversation as well… If Dave was willing to talk to her at all.

David let the kids go, picked up his bags and passed his wife without a word to go to the bedroom and unpack his stuff. He didn’t want, but he could only think on Mart.

It hurt Jen that he haven’t said at least a “hi” to her, but what did she expect? She was still surprised that he came home at all. She decided to go back to the kitchen and finish the dinner, leaving Dave for the kids.

He knew that they’ll have to make things clear in the sake of the children – or at least they’ll have to start sorting things out. He knew that they’ll have more than one conversation with Jen before he’ll be able to see what he wants. He has to consider a lot of factors here, he’ll have to ponder things and decide just after that.

After Jen had finished dinner and served it up, she forced down just a few bites, watching Dave chatting lightly with the kids – he even laughed on some funny anecdotes they shared with him. But he avoided looking at her. She bent her head sourly and pushed around a piece of cucumber with her fork. This’ll be though. She could feel the tension in the air.

The whole evening was quiet. If Dave wasn’t with the kids, he couldn’t put the thought out of his head what Martin could be doing in that moment. But as the night came closer another thought formed in his mind: can he sleep in the same bed with Jen? He didn’t want to be alone with her. He saw during the evening that she tried to approach him a few times, but he always managed to avoid her. But when the time came to go to bed he couldn’t go on like this.

\---

Jen – wearing her light nightie – was sitting on the bed, turned towards the window. She just checked on Jimmy. It was nearly impossible now to drag Rosie away from Dave and she insisted that he should get her to bed. Jen could understand her. She always adored her dad and she had missed him so badly during the long tour. Those few days when she could see him weren’t enough for her at all.

She crossed her naked legs and sighed. She was waiting. For a moment she thought that she could pretend to be asleep, but she saw no sense in avoiding the problem. She didn’t want to deepen it even more – if it was still possible.

Dave stepped into the bedroom, but he felt there like a stranger. He should not be there – he didn’t want to be there. He knew that other bedroom well where he wanted to be in that moment. He looked at his wife, but his eyes were cold, nearly hating. He walked into the bathroom to take a shower.

Her throat felt suddenly so tight! He avoided her again. But in the same time the first sparks of resentment appeared in her brown eyes. She hoped that Dave didn’t think that they can go on like this forever! Dave soon was finished with his shower and walked back into the room – wearing his sleeping-trousers – and slid under the cover. Jen hasn’t turned towards him as she was sitting on her side of the bed, watching her hands on her lap as – after a few minutes – she sighed and asked: “David, how long do you want to avoid talking to me?”

“I just want to give you time to realize what you’ve done with your decision” the cold answer came.

He hit the right spot, but she didn’t let it show. “Why? You think that it was so easy for me?”

“Yes, I’m sure you suffer more than me, whom has a torn heart and soul because of you” her husband threw out “Maybe you can understand this. If you have a heart at all.”

This hit the roof by Jen and she turned toward him halfway “Yes, I HAVE a heart! You’re not the only one who can have feelings!” she throttled down her voice in fear the kids could hear it.

“You have no idea what you’ve done!” he hissed back “You had no courage to come and see me when Andy called you? You had no stomach to see me in that vegetative state?! And the thing you’ve done to Martin is simply unforgiveable! He drinks again because of you, only because of you!” in his anger he jumped out of bed and looked at Jen with the red flames of hate in his pitch-black eyes.

“Yes, you’re right, I had no courage! Are you happy now?” she looked up at him angrily too “This whole situation scared me to death! I’m sorry that things had turned out this way. I didn’t want to push you or Martin that deep. But you have to understand that this isn’t just about you two! I have to think on the kids and myself too!”

“It’ll hurt during my whole life – can you understand it?!”

“David, who’s more important to you? Mart or your kids’ chance for a normal future?” she stood up too and her hands fisted.

“This is the only thing which keeps me here. But you have no clue what you’ve taken from me. You have no idea.”

“So then from now on it’ll be like this between you and me?! Hm?!” she took a step towards him “You’ll look at me with hate when people won’t see it? If you look at me at all?”

“You thought that I’ll come home and everything’ll be like before? Look at me! Do you think I look like someone who’s okay?!” Dave pointed at himself. He was still thin, because the situation hasn’t changed much.

Jen went silent for a few moments then took a deep breath to calm herself a bit. “No. I wasn’t hoping for this. But I don’t want to completely lose you, David. Don’t… don’t you see that I’m so fucking jealous on him?” she pressed out the last sentence with much difficulty. She wanted her husband to see that she made this decision not because she wanted to torture him.

“You know with this you didn’t make me love you more… You rather pushed yourself into my hatred. Because you didn’t believe me, you couldn’t believe that I loved you the way you were and as we were with Martin. You can’t imagine which kind of things we have lived through and you were able to tear it into pieces during one single night! I would not have thought that you can be this cruel, that you want to possess me this much. But you won’t possess me, ever, cuz you just simply can’t. I gave my heart to someone else!”

Jen had to inhale sharply hearing the last sentence. She thought that she’ll suffocate from the sudden pain she felt. “Why? Wasn’t it evil from you that you didn’t give a shit to my feelings?! That you had been lying to me through all these years?! Don’t overdo the role of the martyr, David! You aren’t the only ones with your precious ‘love’ who can suffer here!” anger flooded her mind at the end, which was unlikely to her “What did you expect? That I’ll clap my hands together for your sick relationship?! Although… I didn’t expect anything else from your dear Martin’s sick mind…” she added disdainfully – it was all the same. She couldn’t think clear from anger.

Dave couldn’t take it anymore – his body was shaking with anger. His voice burst out of him: “I’ve got more from him than I could ever get from you! You had ruined him because of your jealousy! You’re a selfish monster, Jennifer! Maybe even worst than me! When did you support me the way he did?! You pulled me out of the pit of drugs, but after that? And this ‘we tell everything to each other’ mania of yours… You really thought that it can work?” he laughed “If I had known how this will end, maybe I would not have took you as my wife at all. The prize I had to pay wasn’t worth it” he went on with the haze of anger on his mind.

Hearing this Jen pressed her trembling lips together and looked at her husband with a shocked and painful expression. This was way of a low blow and she felt the sobbing tightening her throat. Her vision got blurry from the tears which welled up in her eyes and a few quick drops already ran down her pale face.

“You… shouldn’t… have… said… this…” she pressed through her teeth then – trying to keep up her composure – she nearly fled from the room, slamming the door shut. She didn’t care anymore if the kids woke up. ‘Go, go, go as far away from him as possible!!!’ a voice shouted in her head. She couldn’t see where she was going from her flowing tears. At the end she found herself in the guestroom. She locked the door behind her and pressing her back to its surface she slid down onto the floor while her painful sobbing broke out of her accompanied by a few bitter yells. Her shield fell into pieces and she was just sobbing and sobbing there unstoppable.

Dave didn’t feel sorry or mercy for her. He silently walked to the bed and crawled back under the cover. He felt lonely – so fucking lonely. He was just half a man. His family fell apart, his love couldn’t be here with him and the world was slowly crumbling down around him. Only the band has remained for him. If he loses that too… there will be really no reason for him to live. He looked to the side, but there was no-one next to him. He grabbed the empty sheet. He felt himself getting colder and colder with every moment, as if the life was slowly fading away from inside of him, making him senseless for good.

“Somebody… please help me…” he whined quietly then darkness fell upon him. He started falling and there was no way to stop it.

\---

Next to the couch the umpteenth empty glass hit the surface of the table in the half-lit living room. He took the pot from the ashtray and inhaled the smoke deeply, keeping it down as he lifted his red eyes on the flat-screen. He listened to the beloved voice with his cloudy mind. It was some kind of an interview. Mart didn’t really pay attention to his words, he didn’t understand what he was talking about, he was just focusing on the tone of his voice, his laugh and mimicry. Usually he very rarely watched such things or listened to their own songs, but now he had to! He wanted to see him at least this way, although in the last 30 years they’ve spent together he had time to burn every part of his face and body into his mind. If he closed his eyes, he saw him. He slowly exhaled the smoke and stared blindly at the ceiling. His face flinched when Dave’s laugh reached him. Compared to his state he reached quite quickly for the bottle – he didn’t bother with the glasses anymore. He won’t be able to bear it.


	22. Chapter 22

**Chapter 22**

  


 

The empty days were just passing; the wind of time took them away. Dave’s pain didn’t ease as it was still burning and tearing him with the same intensity like on that fatal night when it moved into his heart. It was feeding his beast, which started to grow inside of him as his hatred got stronger and thicker. The question “why?” came into his mind again and again. He couldn’t understand why and how this could have happened. When he crawled into the bed next to Jen, he often imagined that the blonde man was lying next to him. He wasn’t sure if he hadn’t made himself believe this, he would have been able to sleep next to his wife – in turn they had to keep up the pretence in front of the kids. His dreams were the worst. At dawn he often woke up with a wet face and sometimes he couldn’t hold himself back, he let his emotions flow. He deleted Mart’s number from his cell, though he knew it by heart. But at least this way the possibility of calling him was maybe smaller. That one occasion was awful enough. He could clearly remember it. He couldn’t stop himself and dialed his number. After two rings he got through and the voice, which he couldn’t hear for a long time, asked:

“Yes?”

“Mart…” but he could say just this one word before his voice failed him. The blonde man didn’t answer. He was holding the line for a few minutes, but finally a quiet click signaled that Mart hung up.

Martin was standing there for minutes, staring at his cell – nearly accusingly. He couldn’t understand why Dave had to do this. Why did he have to stir things up? When Mart finally started getting better a bit? Why? And here he was - just one word from Dave was enough, as he said his name, and the lashed-together hurdle – where he tried to push his feelings back – broke through right away. Anger flooded him with such a force that his whole body shook in it and without thinking – because of the hopelessness of the situation – he threw his cell phone to the wall with full force, accompanied by an injured animal’s yell. He wanted to be mad at Dave, he wanted to blame the singer, but he couldn’t, because it wasn’t his fault. Because he loved him. Deeply. Still.

Dave felt as if the dagger in his heart went deeper – he shook from the pain as his beast inside with her sharp claws began tearing on her walls, because she was just flattered with the false hope that she’ll get back her tamer. Dave wasn’t able to surmount her anymore and he was afraid that this will stay like this. As the mixture of fear and pain broke him, like a weak child he fell onto his knees and begged, because he didn’t want to go back into the darkness.

\---

The days passed in a grey mass for Dave. He was alone a lot. Jen often fled from the flat, cuz she didn’t want to be in his near, but he didn’t mind it. This afternoon found him lonely again and he looked so lost in the huge flat as he aimlessly wandered around in it. He couldn’t remember how, but a CD got into his hand and he automatically put it into the player, skipping the tracks until he reached the one he wanted to listen to. The melody filled the dull silence with bitter colors. Dave heard his own voice. He knew the song well – maybe too well. He shuddered as he tried to force his memories back, but they broke through and from their weight he sank down into an armchair. A faint memory came into his mind. As he let his emotions overflow him, this picture started getting more detailed and colorful.

 

**2000\. Santa Barbara.**

They were sitting in Martin’s intimate studio. The blonde man showed him what he has written for the new album so far. Dave was quite curious, Martin has never disappointed him in this sense: his songs were always perfect, so he thought that Curly won’t be able to surprise him anymore. His mate put a stack of papers in front of them and everyone could fumble in it. Everyone grabbed some lyrics, studying them, while they were listening to the demos and Martin’s instructions about how he imagined some of the songs in their final forms. Dave was listening to him just now and then, because he focused his attention on the lyrics, adding his comments to the texts or the music he heard. Finally he put the actual sheet of paper down and reached for another one. As he ran through the lyrics he had to admit to himself that he was wrong – Mart still could surprise him. He was just staring at the lines. He found them beautiful. They couldn’t hear his voice for long minutes – he was still staring at the lines, reading them several times. He hasn’t even heard when Mart’d offered a short break, giving the opportunity for the two of them to be left alone in the studio.

“Dave” the singer heard from the distance and finally his name reached his mind too.

“Yes?” he came back to reality.

“You’ve got quite lost” Mart smiled softly. Dave loved this smile of his.

“I’m just reading this” he showed up the paper.

“Which one is it?”

“I Am You.”

“And…? You don’t like it?” he asked nearly shyly. Dave looked at the lines again before opening his mouth.

“It’s beautiful” he lifted his open gaze to look into the green eyes.

“You want to hear its demo?”

The brunette man nodded and Martin switched the CD. In the next moment Dave was already listening to the raw version of the song with full attention.

“Will it be your song?” he asked hearing the slow rhythm.

“No, Dave. I meant this for you. It’s yours.”

Dave looked at Martin with piercing eyes while the song was still on. It was about them. Yes, it was about them and now Dave felt the lines so very true… He was just listening to the track, which was on repeating mode, listening to his own voice.

„You have bound my heart with subtle chains  
So much pleasure that it feels like pain  
So entwined now that we can't shake free  
I am you and you are me

No escaping from the mess we're in  
So much pleasure that it must be sin  
I must live with this reality  
I am yours eternally”

Eternally. He knew this song painfully well. They had been separated for good and he won’t be able to see him on his side ever again and those chains… oh, those subtle chains have been broken and the memory of them burned into his heart, throbbing painfully in his chest. No. How could it be possible to bear this? How could he bear not to feel Martin’s touch on his skin? Never again? He imagined Martin touching him. He closed his eyes and touched his own body.

_"There's no turning back_   
_We're in this trap_   
_No denying the facts..._   
_No, no, no_   
_No excuses to give_   
_I'm the one you're with_   
_We've no alternative..._   
_No, no, no"_

Back then he saw another meaning in these lines. They’ve pushed each other into that certain trap. They were each other’s prisoners and he though that they won’t ever part.

“Martin!” he panted as his long fingers slid lower and lower.

_"Dark obsession in the name of love_   
_This addiction that we're both part of_   
_Leads us deeper into mystery_   
_Keeps us craving endlessly_

_Strange compulsions that I can't control_   
_Pure possession of my heart and soul_   
_I must live with this reality_   
_I am you and you are me_   
_I am you and you are me"_

Did Martin foresee the future? He will never know. He moaned as he freed his member, which became hard thanks to his memories and fantasy. His hand began the well-known movements. He wished it was Curly! Or that he wouldn’t feel his absence. He wished… he wished he was senseless! He wished he didn’t feel this burning pain, which was eating him up alive, tearing at his chest, where he had his heart once. He wished he could forget everything!

He sped up his hand’s moves as the pictures of their encounters came into his head – making love sometimes tenderly, sometimes wild as if they were mating animals. The pain was unbearable. The CD-player started the song once more to torture him with every line, making him suffer for those mistakes he made, which led them here.

He panted Martin’s name again and again in the empty flat and he barely could swallow from the lump in his throat. He won’t get relief, ever. This emptiness, this pain will always remain. He will always feel his absence, he will never forget his memories. In that moment – like a cue – his orgasm shook his body, but instead of a moan of relief, he let out his bitter sobbing.

\---

He was tired and moody as he threw his bag on the floor as he stepped into the house then headed for the kitchen to take a beer from the fridge. He just arrived home from his kids. He spent the day with them. At least seeing them made him feel a bit better. He could even smile and laugh at Calo’s and the girls’ jokes, though Viva and Suzanne remained rather serious, shooting examining looks at him. When he was alone with his ex-wife, she noted that he looked bad and asked what had happened. He just waved and explained the tired and a bit confused behavior with the end of the tour. He was more withdrawn than usual and barely said a thing, though he just wanted to roar constantly. Luckily none of them forced the topic further, so he could spend a relatively nice afternoon with his family, if we don’t count the anguish under the surface.

He took a long sip from the cold beer and sat down to the kitchen table, fishing out a pack of cigarettes from his pocket. He lit one and was just staring in front of him. He was listening to the silence, but wasn’t enjoying it. On these occasions the feeling of loneliness sat heavily on his shoulders. Like back then when he was young and tried to fill this space with different partners. But he wasn’t in the mood for that anymore. He won’t be able to touch anyone else after Dave for a long while. He still wanted him, but it was impossible – and it’ll stay like this. Like back in those days in Berlin when he just watched Dave, who tired to convince him desperately… then it turned into a debate… then into something completely different…

He stood up and walked into the other room to take a bottle of something strong. If he really wants to think through this memory, he’ll have to prepare himself.

 

**1983\. New Year’s Eve. Berlin.**

He didn’t like the party so he left it behind. His mood wasn’t the right and this time the huge amount of alcohol couldn’t help either. Nay! It just made him even sadder. If he wanted, he could have picked up a chick – they clung to them on the party – or he could have visited the small club under his apartment, but somehow he wasn’t in the mood for that either. He rather returned to his apartment and - accompanied by a few bottles of beer - he sat down onto the couch.

He was thinking of Him again. He didn’t exactly know why. Maybe because he saw him having a bad quarrel with the jealous Jo? Or because they have been debating with Alan whole day long about a song? Mart hated when they couldn’t sort out such things in work, when they couldn’t decide what to do with a track. His gaze wandered through the window, right into the dark night of Berlin. Time after time he heard the loud, noisy bunch of people passing by in front of the building he lived, breaking some glasses or bottles in their drunken delirium. At least they were having a good time. For a moment childish jealousy flickered inside of him, but then he rather snorted shaking his head and switched on one of the German channels on the television. He sipped from his beer and tried to switch off his half-drunk, racing mind.

His relative rest didn’t last long, because after maybe half an hour – when he had finished two more beers – that damned intercom buzzed. First he didn’t want to stand up, but his visitor seemed insistent, pressing his palm onto the button. Martin nearly hit the roof from the annoying sound. He cursed as he stood up and stumbled to the door. He really hoped that it wasn’t a drunken idiot, who rang every flat just for fun.

“Yes?!” he grunted with barely covered-up anger in his voice.

“It’s me” the visitor said downstairs.

“Dave…” the blonde man sighed resignedly “What do you want this time?”

“Let me in!” the young singer asked as he leant against the wall. The alcohol was working in his system.

“Why? You should rather go home. You’re drunk.”

“Please. I need you…” by the time he said it he already regretted revealing this much from himself. He propped his forehead on the wall and was cursing himself, trying to keep his balance.

Mart frowned and went silent for a few long minutes.

“You there?” the question slipped out of Dave’s mouth because of the long silence.

“Yes. Go home, Dave, make up with Jo” he finally said coldly.

“No!” Dave exclaimed as his anger flickered for a moment “I don’t want to go home! Let me in!”

Mart cursed again, rolling his eyes then pushed the right button and the door downstairs made a buzzing sound. After this he drank the remains of his beer with one sip, waiting for him to climb the steps. Dave soon knocked on his door.

“You could really leave me alone” he went on with the previous conversation after opening the door for the singer and going out to the kitchen for another bottle.

“Dismiss Depeche!” Dave’s voice could be heard muffled from the fridge then he hurried back into the living room with his catch. He felt a bit dizzy, but he kept himself together and slowly focused on his blonde mate.

“What the fuck are you talking about?!” Mart looked at him confused as he froze then turned towards him.

“You want me to leave you alone. This won’t go” he answered and opened his beer. He took a long sip then sighed. Finally he literally sank down onto the couch. “Why do you want me to leave you alone?”

“Because you drive me crazy with your childish stubbornness” he walked to the main door, which was left open, and closed it.

“Cuz you’re so fucking perfect…” he murmured under his nose.

“I never said that I am” he sat down in the other end of the couch with his beer.

“For me you are” he lifted his dim eyes on him.

Mart sighed. They had gone through this several times. “Leave this bullshit at last!” he grunted and scratched his head after another sip.

“Bullshit?!” Dave blazed up. It was clear that he became angry and was at the brink of exploding.

“Dave, we already had this conversation. My answer is no. And go back to your wife, I’m sure she had cried out her eyes because of you!”

“Forget Jo! I’m here because of you and it’s useless to run from the situation, Gore!”

“My answer is still no. Stop this, Dave. It was good, but it’s over. Move on!” he grunted again and for a moment he turned his attention to the bangs of some crackers outside.

“Are you sure?” he slid closer to the blonde man “I remember totally differently. You were squeaking from pleasure, begging for more… Would you be able to live without that… without me?” he asked with a smug grin.

Mart didn’t say a word just took a long sip, feeling Dave’s cloudy but already hot gaze on him. It nearly burned a hole into him. Only he was able to look at him like this. It would have been impossible to forget those few nights when they got half-drunk or drunk and ended up in bed. Dave was very good in finishing him off, giving him everything he wanted to get from this form of sex – the things Mart needed to function and go on without going totally insane. At the beginning the singer was just one from the others, but something has started to change. It wasn’t a coincidence that he tried to avoid him, if it was possible. Mart didn’t know what was going on. Sure, he wanted him even now, but he was afraid that if he let this happen, it’ll end ugly.

Dave slowly lifted one hand and gently touched Martin’s soft skin on his neck – the singer had to close his eyes from the feeling. Curly could push his hand away just after a few moments of delay.

“Stop it!” he barked on a forced neutral tone, though from the touch his pulse quickened.

But this didn’t move Dave – he tried it again – he was sure of himself. Mart got fed up and turned to the side to push him a bit stronger so the singer landed on his side on the couch. Mart quickly got up – although he felt dizzy from the sudden move – and stepped further away from the singer. But Dave didn’t leave things this way, he jumped up, grabbed Martin and pushed him forcefully against the wall, pinning him against it. He heard his ribs resonating from the hit, but he didn’t care. He was nearly snarling from anger.

“Tell me then that I should leave you alone for once and for all! Say it out loud that you don’t want me, that you’ve never enjoyed our encounters, that the bonding between us isn’t there! Just say it into my eyes and I’ll get off you and won’t bother you with this ever again” he grunted.

First he couldn’t say a word because the push took his breath away. He looked deep into the dark eyes, which were cloudy from the booze and maybe from desire. He didn’t move. He had to decide. But he couldn’t.

“Let me hear it!” Dave broke out and shook the smaller body.

He couldn’t take this torture anymore! Without thinking he gave his answer with letting the nearly empty bottle fall onto the floor as he reached for Dave and pressed him against his own body, his lips moving forward so he could finally taste his mouth. He went nuts for this stubborn jerk.

Dave responded hungrily. He wanted him so badly! Martin couldn’t hold himself back anymore: he let his desires drive him and took control. He tore off Dave’s clothes quickly while he started pushing him towards the bedroom, barely letting his lips go. His breath quickened, his heart was beating painfully in his chest, his blood drummed in his ears then more and more rushed down into his groin. Dave didn’t protest, he let him do whatever he wanted. Now he didn’t bother himself with the details – he just wanted to bury himself into Martin… or in reverse…

Curly hasn’t hesitated too much – soon he pressed himself against the fully naked singer’s body. They were already lying on bed. No sound had left Mart’s mouth, he rather kissed Dave’s neck, chest and abs before taking the hard cock greedily into his mouth. He would have died if he couldn’t taste him right away! He let go every resistance he had and let the lust flood his dizzy brain, erasing everything else from it. Just Dave existed for him and the wonderful firm body he tasted.

Dave moaned urgently. He was enjoying the foreplay, but he wanted Martin’s body and soul so he grabbed the curls and dragged him away from him.

“What’s it?” Mart finally moaned huskily, following Dave’s hand, which was still fisted in his hair, and looked into his eyes.

“I want to feel you…” he said quietly, his voice heavy from desire.

“What?” he was perplexed a bit. For a moment he thought he heard it wrong.

“You’ve heard it right. I want you. Inside me.”

The surprise was still clearly visible on Martin’s face, and for a few moments he seriously examined the singer’s flushed face “Are you sure?” Until now Dave never let him do this, at the end always Martin was the one who had to surrender – not that he would have minded it too much… Mart was afraid that Dave just wanted to distract his thoughts from the ugly debate he had with Jo, but then Martin didn’t give a damn even if this was Dave’s cause…

“Perfectly” the singer nodded “I want you” he whispered, shaking.

Mart couldn’t stop a smile from this. Incomprehensible warmth filled his heart as he gently stroked Dave’s hot face. He often imagined this moment and his hardness started to throb painfully from anticipation.

“Alright… my sweet…” here he bent down and kissed him tenderly, sliding his hand between them and stroked along the singer’s whole length a few times. Then for a few moments he disappeared from over him. He bent over the edge of the bed and started searching for something under it.

Dave’s curiosity seemed stronger and the young man propped himself on his elbows and peeked over Martin. A little smile was still lingering on his lips from the nice little fondling Mart just told him…

When he spotted the tube he was looking for, he couldn’t suppress a dirty smile while turning back to Dave. He quickly crawled back between his legs, popped up the cap and poured some of its cool content into his palm. With his free hand he pushed Dave back onto the pillow and leaning over him he snapped at his lips. He reached between his lover’s already raised legs to wet first him then himself with the lubricant.

“I want you so badly…” he panted, exciting the sensitive area with his fingers.

Dave went for Mart’s lips then breaking the kiss he said: “Then take me… I’m yours.’

Mart just growled contentedly then after preparing his way with his fingers, he pumped himself a few times, positioning his rock-hard cock and he slowly started penetrating Dave. The blonde man gave out a loud moan from the painfully sweet hotness, which took him deeper and deeper. Dave groaned then pulled his mate to him to give him his passionate kisses. Martin was totally out of his mind from pleasure, from the feeling that he could finally feel the secretly adored singer around him.

“Oh god, you’re so tight!” he broke away from Dave’s mouth for a moment and he squeezed his eyes shut from the nearly painful, but maddening feeling. Finally his whole length was inside of him. He stayed still for a few moments then started slowly moving so Dave could get used to the feeling. Now nothing else mattered for Martin. Maybe he’ll regret it next day, but he wasn’t able to think straight anymore. When it dawned on him who was the one taking him inside, he started accelerating his pace and his thrusts got harder as the throaty and loud groans came again and again from his dry throat.

Dave joined the passionate moans. The feeling was new for him with Mart and he had already lost his mind! He couldn’t decide its cause: was it Martin, or just having sex with another man? He had no clue, but in that moment he would have given everything he owned to Martin if he asked. He had been toying with the thought of letting Mart into his body, giving himself fully to him, but he would not have been able to tell who possessed whom now. A harder thrust came and he nearly went insane from his feelings. It felt so good! It was so exciting! He could have cum just from feeling Mart moving inside of him!

Martin felt wobbly from the intense feeling. He wanted to get relief as soon as possible so he sped up even more. Then when he got very close to his climax, he rattled: “Grab yourself! I’m nearly…”

Dave obeyed without hesitation – maybe for the first time – and he needed just a few pumps before he exploded. But he came back relatively quickly, because he wanted to see Martin going to the same place where he has been. Martin – uncharacteristically – let his voice out and rattled and growled with a deafening volume during his thrusts. His face showed his ecstasy as he squeezed his eyes shut and threw his head back with an enormous “DAVID” yell, cumming into the hot body.

Dave hissed from the sight as he just watched this blonde angel stripping off his hindrances, enjoying and living for the moment to the full. He waited until he calmed down a bit then pulled him closer and whispered: “You’re beautiful like this…”

Martin slowly found his way back to reality. He heard Dave’s sentence, but he wasn’t able to say anything. So he just carefully slid out of him and collapsed onto the body under him, exhausted, to shower Dave’s mouth with his kisses… and maybe to silence him before he would say something that later he would regret.

\---

His tears were flowing silently. He felt as if that foolish New Years’ Eve night was just yesterday, not more than twenty years ago. From that day everything became different. That was their first real step which led them here. He came to the conclusion again that he still can’t decide whether he should have sent Dave home that night or not. Maybe from some reason – which he couldn’t see yet – it had to happen this way. But why?


	23. Chapter 23

**Chapter 23**

  


 

 **Recommended song:** Depeche Mode – _The Darkest Star_

\---

Andy was hit by the warm air again as he got out of the cab in front of the familiar house. He gave up his rest at home to come here, because his friend – whom he considered as a brother – needed him, even though he didn’t say it. He needed someone who helps him through this period or at least who stays with him so he won’t be alone. He opened and closed the gate and walked to the main door and knocked.

After a few minutes a careworn Martin Gore had opened the door, rubbing his nape and shielding his eyes from the bright sunlight “Andy? What are you doing here?” he asked surprised from seeing his friend there.

“I thought you could use some company” he smiled faintly, hiding his shock. There were dark circles under Martin’s eyes and the once life-filled green eyes were dim and sunken. His face was crinkled and he could see that his friend had lost weight too. “How are you?” he asked while eyeing the thin body.

“I’m feeling like a piece of shit” he snorted and let his guest in.

“I hoped that you’re through the hardest part” Andy sighed and examined the living room “But as I see, you’re not” he said sadly.

Mart followed his gaze, which sized up the half-lit room. The smoke of cigarettes could be still smelled and Andy’s eyes lingered on the unopened bottles, the shattered pillows and clothes. He spotted the DVDs, CDs and pictures lying on the carpet in front of the television. The previous day Mart’d managed to knock himself out again and this time he’d found a new way of torturing himself: he forked out the old pictures and albums of the band and went through them. He was musing a lot especially over the pictures where he was with Dave.

He shrugged then headed for the kitchen barefooted, wearing a grey T-shirt and a boxer. “Coffee?” he asked, pressing his hand onto his aching head.

“Yes, please” Andy answered “Mart, you need help” his voice became serious when he was standing in the kitchen, watching his blonde bandmate.

“Who would be able to help? And how?” he asked switching to a cool, neutral tone, but didn’t look at his friend - he was concentrating on making the coffee and trying to avoid the throbbing of his head.

“You know that there are specialists for such situations. It’d help” he shrugged, though he knew that he’d refuse his idea.

“Are you crazy?” he snorted disdainfully and tired, still showing his back to him. Meanwhile the coffee machine came to life and he just watched it, propping his hands on the counter. He was so exhausted!

“Then at least tell me the things which are bothering you! I can’t watch as you slowly collapse, Martin!” he burst out.

“Do you want cream too?” he stepped to the fridge.

“Don’t change the subject” he insisted.

“I… can’t… talk about it…” he pressed through his teeth then closed the fridge and avoiding Andy’s eyes he put the cups, the sugar and the cream onto the table, cuz he knew that his friend liked his coffee with these. He grabbed his own mug of hot black coffee and walked to the kitchen window, watching the garden bathing in sunlight. But his head was somewhere else.

Andy flavored his coffee then stepped next to Mart “You can’t hide forever” he noted quietly “Sooner or later you’ll see him again.”

Hearing this he squeezed his eyes shut and his face flinched painfully. But when he noticed his telltale reaction, he quickly put his mask back and slowly exhaled the air, which got stuck painfully in his chest. He wouldn’t have been able to see him. Not now. Not for a long while… Or will he be able to look at him at all – without feeling the pain tearing on his soul?”

“I know” he pressed through his lips then after a few minutes of silence he added: “But I don’t want it. I want him to live his life on the side of his ‘precious’ wife…”

“I don’t think that his life is happy and you know that well” he glimpsed at Martin.

“I didn’t say that his life is happy with them” he noted bitterly and headed for the living room with the rest of his coffee, knowing that Fletch was following him. He sighed and sat down on the couch.

Andy joined him. He remained silent for a long while, watching the room or glimpsing at Martin while sipping from his coffee.

His blonde friend was scratching his mug’s handle and after a few minutes he asked: “Did you see him?”

“Yes. But he didn’t let me get close to him – you’re better with me in this sense. Well, those debates I had with Dave in the past were not coincidences…” he mused “I know what you’re about to ask and yes, he’s feeling bad and it shows on him, but no, he didn’t do anything desperate. And this is why I hoped that you won’t push me away, cuz Martin… you’re like a brother to me, we grew up together. Please.”

Mart went silent and slowly put down his empty mug. He was thinking. Yeah, his friend didn’t deserve this. He was always standing on his side, trying to protect him from Alan and Dave. He always tried to save him from disappointments and pain, as if he was his big brother. “I’m sorry, Andy… I didn’t want to close you out this much, but… it hurts so badly” he closed his eyes at the end.

“I know. But it’ll eat you up alive from the inside, if you keep it bottled up” the red-haired man looked at him with worry.

Another long silence came then Mart slowly nodded – like someone, who made a hard decision. Does he really want this whole thing to kill him from the inside? “No. I don’t want this beast to eat me up” he whispered “It’s more than enough fighting with my own, which… you could see… got stronger” he sighed bitterly, looking at the empty bottles around “It was going well. For a while. Until Jen killed me.”

“I know” Andy said quietly “But you can win again. But I don’t know whether Dave’s absence will disappear or not. Probably not. But the pain you feel now will ease with time. Though until you get there… it’ll be like hell. But I’m here to help” he touched Martin’s shoulder “… I help in whatever I can.”

“You’re… so good to me Andy” he swallowed hard, squeezing his eyes shut again “I don’t deserve it. I really don’t” he reached for the red-haired man’s hand on his shoulder and squeezed it.

“You’re talking bullshit again” he shook his head “My place is here next to you.”

“Andy… thanks” he said simply, cuz his throat felt already tight. Even so the silence filled the room for long minutes. Just the ticking of a clock and the distant barking of dogs could be heard. Mart was grateful that his friend gave him time to collect his thoughts and didn’t push him. Fletch new him well. The blonde man propped his elbows on his knees as he bent forward and gave out a deep sigh, starting scratching his own hand. He inhaled wobbly then began uneasily: “I’ve never… experienced anything that could hurt this much, Andy… Not even when he’d pushed me away years ago, not even my divorce… or anything else. If I didn’t bottle it up, then I’d want to scream constantly. It winds me up. I’m dying from it…” before going on the closed his eyes to hold the tears back, which were already welling up. He would have never thought that the last few weeks would make him this sentimental! “Jen had crushed me. Without mercy. She trod on our love cruelly. Because this was love, Andy” he looked at his friend with deep sadness in his eyes “No matter how strange it can seem, I… I’m madly in love with him, even if I showed it just rarely to him…” he swallowed hard “I would have never thought that I can experience something like this…” here his silent tears started to flow “I… I miss him so badly… I can see him if I close my eyes… his scent is in my nose… I feel his touches and this drives me crazy! I’ll go totally nuts! I want him! I love him!” he started gasping for air “I can’t function without him!” he exclaimed and felt that the suppressed killer emotions rushed out from their cage to tear apart and destroy everything with their sharp claws on their way towards freedom. “Andy! Andy, help me!” he clung to his friend tightly, lifting his red eyes on him “We lived through so many things with Dave… it can’t end like this! It can’t end like this! No!” he hiccupped and let his friend embrace him tightly “I can’t bear it without him… I can’t… I love him… I love him… I love him so much!” he repeated again and again, leaving his distant behavior behind. He needed someone who is willing to listen to him, whom he can pour his heart out. It was as if he has been waiting for this – being at the brink of explosion in the last few days. He needed someone who understands him, someone who cares with his lonely and broken self.

Andy was listening to the flood of words silently, while he was holding his friend. He knew that he needed someone badly, who won’t push him away, who listens to him and cares for him. Always everyone is caring for Dave – he wasn’t worried for him as much as he was for Martin. Dave wasn’t completely alone, there were people around him. But Mart was left totally alone with this. This is why Andy had to come here.

“Protect me from what I want… Protect me from Dave, please…” he mumbled and by now he didn’t even watch what leaves his mouth “I knew… I so knew that sooner or later he’ll be my death!” he sniffed “I knew, I felt it from the beginning… and in Berlin too, that it’ll end badly… if… if I let it happen… And I let it… I couldn’t resist anymore… I needed him… I wanted him more than anything… And… and I didn’t dare to believe that he felt the same… It wasn’t just for fun… later he wanted my whole being… and he wasn’t taken aback… he accepted who… what I am. He knows my weaknesses and I know by now that he loves me…” during his bitter monologue he pulled up his legs onto the couch and curled up on Andy’s lap like a scared, lost little boy, waiting for comfort from the adults, like someone who still has the hope that it was just a bad dream and he’ll wake up in a minute. “I knew… I knew that he’ll be my death… I knew… I knew…” he whimpered, making Andy’s trousers wet with his tears.

Andy didn’t answer for a long while, he was thinking about the things he just heard, touching unconsciously Martin’s back and curls to calm him a bit. He weighted his words carefully, not to cause more pain for his friend:

“Everything’ll be fine, we’ll get through this. You’ll survive” he whispered. What else could he say to him? Losing the love of his life was such an insane pain which could not be eased with words – only time can help and it won’t do a perfect job either. Because they’ll always miss each other, they’ll be clear with the things they’d lost and they’ll never forget. Never.

\---

The days were passing by again and Martin has opened up for Andy even more, whose help he’d accepted so the red-haired man stayed in Santa Barbara. He had no particular plan, he just spent some time with Mart, listening to him and it was clear that it did good to his friend. They told a lot of old stories from happier days and with time Mart brought himself to start talking about the relationship he had with Dave. He cried a lot, but this came with recalling the memories and Andy didn’t hold it against him or thought that it was a sign of weakness. Mart was very brave to face this pain and his monsters, to share one of his biggest secrets and Fletch appreciated this. And the more he heard about their deep and complicated love, the more he admired the courage his friends had when they stood up for each other if it was needed. He understood a lot of things now. Now that he saw the bigger picture, he forgave a lot of things Dave had done against him, because he understood how big the pressure was on him back in those days.

Being there had another useful advantage: he could watch him and cut down Mart’s drinking. Albeit the more the blonde man talked about his past, the less he drank, as if with the talking his monsters have faded away too.

\---

The heat was unbearable the whole day long, but it eased a bit by this hour. It was late night. The air was heavy from the sweet flowers’ scent, the silence was broken just by the nighttime insects and by the sounds of the sea, which could be heard time after time - thanks to the clear night. Not far away a few cars have passed by, but after their noises faded away everything went silent again. On the neat house’s open windows the curtains were moved by the light breeze, which brought some relief and flew into the dim room, playing with the blonde curls. The man, leaning over a sheet of paper bathing in the light of a desk lamp, was crooning a melody again and again. Even words have formed the lines on the paper and the black letters were crossed out here and there as they were stretching on their white bed. Time after time the ball-pen’s scratching could be heard then the hand holding it came to a rest, thinking on the last words. He rubbed his tired eyes and put his chin into his palm. For a few minutes he was just watching the curtain swaying in the soft wind. He was waiting for inspiration, which was lurking around him like a playful and shy young woman, waiting for the opportunity when she can give an unnoticed kiss onto the musicians tanned forehead. She was the one who woke him up just after an hour of sleep and the man had followed her call, like so many times before during the long-long years.

His naked upper-body was glistening from the summer swelter, but it didn’t bother him. He was deep in his memories. By now he hadn’t had to force himself with cruel methods to recall the dimly throbbing mementos from his hazardous life. He investigated them as if they were pictures from a photo album, which he got off the shelf. He was searching for the picture which could perfectly fit his newest work.

He got that secret kiss after a few minutes and with the imprint of the inspired lips on his forehead he bent over the paper again and quickly wrote down the last few lines. He leant back in his chair contentedly, running his eyes through the finished work and started to croon the catchy new melody again. He wrote this one for him, about them, again. A faint bitter smile appeared on his face and before putting the paper onto the top of the right pile, he picked up his pen and scratched on the top of the sheet:

“For the new album.”

 

 

 

**THE END**

 

By: Capricornus and Useless-girl  
20/12/2009 – 08/03/2010


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Note by Capri: This fanfiction was written for the Valentine day contest – though we already had the idea of this complementary story. It wasn’t easy to write it, but we managed. I hope you’ll like it. :D 
> 
> Note by Useless-girl: True. This little short story is in connection with our “It doesn’t matter” fanfiction and from a certain point it becomes an alternative version of that story. Enjoy!

**In a parallel universe**

   
He glanced over his shoulder to let everyone pass him then he couldn’t bear it anymore: he pushed the grinning and sweating singer against the wall when he saw that no one was around. He pressed his hungry lips against his – barely hearing the crowd’s still hurricane-like chanting in the dark. They haven’t switched on the lights yet – the fans were waiting for them to go back on stage. But they won’t. Now something else will come. Something very different… which the blonde man wanted to make clear for the singer, who panted into his mouth. In the dark he slid his hands gently between his legs. That smack on his butt at the end of the show was the last drop for him. He drove him mad. He wanted him. Now.  
  
Dave moaned lustfully into the other man’s mouth and gave him his sensual kisses. Then he pulled away from him and noted with a dark grin: “Did I manage to turn you on?”  
  
“Hell yes!” he panted, grabbing the wonderful hand and led it onto his own groin “I want you, David!”  
  
Dave’s smile got wider from this and his hand on Martin’s groin reached for his hand to start pulling him towards his dressing room. He didn’t let him disobey. He closed the door behind them and pressed Mart against it, just to attack the silvery trousers greedily and nearly violently. Mart helped him hastily unpacking himself and already felt his member hardening just from the anticipation. He couldn’t wait anymore – with one hand he eagerly pushed the singer onto his knees.  
  
Dave let him – he grabbed the already hard cock and went for it like a hungry beast on fresh meat. His hands grabbed the edge of the vest firmly as he started moving his head wildly, without any warning. Martin couldn’t really control his voice – he began moaning loudly as he grabbed Dave’s wet hair firmly and started moving his hips unwillingly to the rhythm of his mouth.  
  
“Fuck!!! That’s it!!!” he threw his head back in his pleasure.  
  
Dave glimpsed up with a dark look at the adored face. But he didn’t break away from the object of his pampering. He loved feeling his hardness, his taste in his mouth!  
  
“David! Jesus! David…” he was repeating this with a few additional moans. He knew that this act won’t last too long, because the demon kneeling in front of him had already turned him on so badly earlier that he knew that it was just the question of minutes. He loved it that the singer was able to do such wonders with his throat… and not just when he was singing…  
  
Dave didn’t show any mercy – not slowing the pace he chased Martin further towards oblivion. The blonde man’s body tensed even more and compared to the wild dash he stroked his watcher’s face gently, letting their eyes meet again seconds before his orgasm. He let his lustful and cloudy eyes speak instead of him. Then his mouth opened slightly, but he didn’t close his eyes, he forced himself to hold the singer’s gaze while his body strained. He had to give out a loud groan as he shot his hot seed into his lover’s mouth, who swallowed the nearly burning liquid. He wanted to have even the last drop of Martin. Finally he slowly slid him out of his mouth and stood up, pressing his body against him and whispering into his ear:  
  
“You were screaming like a filthy bitch. I’d be surprised, if they haven’t heard outside” he laughed quietly.  
  
Martin was still panting with dim eyes and smiled, but as another wave of the whistling desire caught him, he took Dave’s flushed face between his hands, pulling him close to kiss him, pressing his body against the other’s.  
  
Dave didn’t protest, but he didn’t let too much for the blonde man – he leant to his ear again: “You’re dirty, Gore.”  
  
“Would you tell me more about this?” he caressed Dave’s butt.  
  
“You’re an exciting dirty snake, who can tame me with only one move” he whispered hoarsely and pressed his groin against him nearly painfully “You can turn me on so badly!”  
  
“Do you want me to rub you off?” he squeezed Dave’s hard cock through his trousers and gave him a dirty smile.  
  
Dave couldn’t stop a deep growl, which ended in a moan. His black eyes were telltale.  
  
“Let me hear it…” Mart whispered on a deep tone as he started stroking him.  
  
“Ah… yes!” the singer moaned, his whole body shaking.  
  
Mart’s smile got wider as he squeezed Dave once more then pulled his hand away – but not to loosen the badly stretching trousers…  
  
“No… Just in the hotel…” he whispered as revenge because of that little erotic show Dave gave him on stage “But just in case you’ll be a good boy…”  
  
“What must I do to be a good boy in your eyes?”  
  
“If you do what I want you to do… maybe you will be one…” he lightly scratched the sweaty chest with his black fingernails.  
  
“You know I’m your slave, no matter what you from me…” he closed his eyes in the moment of his confession.  
  
Yes, he knew. There was no need for Dave to say it out loud. He left his dominant attitude behind for a moment and let his eyes soften and open up. He caressed Dave’s face and leant to him, whispering nearly into his mouth: “And you know that this is mutual…”  
  
Dave just smiled then leant to Martin again – this time kissing and tasting him softly and gently. The blonde man was drinking in his kisses thirstily for long minutes then he pulled away a bit, just to let their foreheads touch for a moment then he gently kissed Dave’s.  
  
“Come… we have to hurry. We’ll go back to the hotel soon.”  
  
Dave didn’t answer just pulled away from Martin with a light smile on his lips, taking off his vest and throwing it onto one of the chairs – he was already on his way to the bathroom. But in the door he stopped and looked back over his shoulder, waiting for Mart, who followed him within seconds – taking off his wet clothes, noticing Dave’s hot gaze as he watched him. Mart could barely wait for getting back to the hotel…  
  
\---  
  
A shadow stepped quietly into the dark room. He looked around, but didn’t turn the lights on. He stared into nothing, his gaze looking through the glass – he saw the night-time city, but he turned his look away uninterested. The exhausted black panther laid down onto the bed – stretching his human-shaped cage and yawned an enormous one. He was hungry – very hungry – but his prey had not entered his trap yet.  
  
After a few minutes a messy and wet-haired figure stepped out onto the quiet and deserted corridor to reach his destination without any noise. He didn’t knock – he knew that it’d be open and the darkness didn’t surprise him either. After all those bright lights the children of the night welcomed the nice half-light. He closed the door quietly behind him. Then he was just standing there for a few moments, letting his eyes adjust to the darkness and to spot the contours of the figure lying on the bed.  
  
Green eyes flashed in the dark as the predator lifted up his beautiful head. Finally he has arrived… He could have used the darkness of his cage and jump on his unsuspecting victim, but he rather huffed lazily. He waited until the gold comes near to him.  
  
Mart walked towards the bed in a comfortable pace – now bare-feeted. He sank onto the bed without a word and crawled over his waiting mate on all fours, not letting their bodies touch yet, though he wanted that the most. But first he wanted to bath in the dark energy swirling around his lover. Dave looked into his eyes with a smile then reached up with his left hand to touch Mart’s side softly – his fingers gently playing on his ribs. His mate inhaled sharply as he shivered unwillingly. The fingers found their way between the bones as they hung on them and pulled Mart’s chest downward by them, so he could finally taste Curly’s mouth on his own. Before their lips could meet, Mart moaned on a low tone from the mixture of pain and pleasure then he touched Dave’s lips just feather-lightly. The singer enjoyed this torturing game and let the blonde man taking command. His mate used this opportunity and lowered his body so he could press it all along to Dave’s then he rubbed his burning groin against him as well. The man under him had to moan out lustfully from this. His voice was a bit hoarse from the two-hours-long singing. He couldn’t take this slow torture anymore – he quickly grabbed Mart’s nape and pulled him onto his body. Mart lost his balance and fell over him. He didn’t say a word just watched David for a few moments then his eyes glimpsed down at the full lips again – this time making them his passionately. Mart returned the kiss contentedly puffing, propping himself on his forearms next to Dave’s shoulders and enjoying the touches of the hands on his back and butt.   
  
Dave’s hands came to life soon as they were sliding on Martin’s back then grabbed his ass. He couldn’t get enough of him! His tongue chased the other one with wild passion, sometimes softly biting down on the lower lip. The blonde man couldn’t stop himself: he had to move his hips a few times, rubbing their members harder together. Meanwhile he didn’t let Dave’s mouth go.  
  
Dave praised this with another big moan then his long fingers slid under the hem of the T-shirt to pull it up and reveal the soft and tasty skin. Mart growled and closed his eyes while he went for Dave’s neck – sinking his teeth hard into the fragrant skin. The singer sighed from pleasure and more blood ran into his member. His fingers dug into Mart’s skin and he scratched it thanks to this stimuli. As an answer he got another stronger bite and a moan then Mart soothed the sharp pain with licking him. Dave was just moaning and moaning towards the ceiling – one growl came after the other – while Curly’s back was already full of red scratches. He let Dave’s skin go and greedily licked along Dave’s jaw then he nearly attacked the swollen lips. He discovered every corner of Dave’s mouth then he lost his mind: suddenly he pulled away and kneeled up to slide onto Dave’s thighs and pull him up into a sitting position by Dave’s T-shirt. This way he had a chance to pull it off and after another passionate kiss he pushed him back onto the sheets nearly violently, while he was still sitting on Dave, attacking his trousers and underwear. He wanted to see his hardness right away! Dave just let Martin take control again – he loved watching him as he gets wilder, as he lived just for the moment and for his emotions!  
  
As soon as he unpacked Dave, he licked his own mouth – never leaving Dave’s groin with his gaze – and he tried to get rid off his sweat-pants as quickly as it was possible. He wasn’t wearing anything under it. He moved a bit closer to touch his rock-hard cock to Dave’s then he started slowly moving his hips, keeping one hand on both of them. He let out a wobbly sigh.  
  
Dave’s eyes turned into black frighteningly quickly, giving him an animal-like stare. First he glimpsed down at them then he moved forward to catch the blonde man for a bruising kiss. Mart let his lover sit up and bite into his lips, grabbing him by his butt and pulling him closer. His breathing sped up as he nuzzled to Dave more and more then he leant to his ear and whispered:  
  
“Take us both in your hand!”  
  
Dave flinched from this dirty sentence. He looked into the green eyes as he slowly reached down and found the rock-hard members. He sighed from his own touch. Mart moaned hoarsely and closed his eyes for a moment, enjoying the feeling to the full. He went crazy from knowing that Dave’s hard cock is touching his while the singer’s hand started to move up and down on them. He embraced Dave’s tattooed shoulder with one hand and had to look down at them to burn the sight into his mind.  
  
“Harder!” he moaned.  
  
Thanks to the demand he squeezed themselves harder and accelerated the pace of his hand. He had to prop his forehead on Martin’s shoulder, while he was moaning his name from the pleasure he felt. His senses were almost on fire, consuming him.  
  
Martin’s hip started to move without noticing it as he felt the stronger grip and Dave’s pre-cum on his cock, which signaled that his love got even more turned on. Another wave of desire washed over his head and he grabbed his mate to pull both of them into a kneeling position. This way he could grab Dave’s balls then his fingers slid back to the platinum ring behind them. He pushed his index-finger in it and started pulling on it mercilessly and lecherously.  
  
To suppress his now very loud yell he bit into the musician’s shoulder without thinking. His hand never stopped moving on them. But the blonde man couldn’t keep down his cry – and to be frank he didn’t even care. He just wanted to give as much pleasure to the singer as it was possible – and because of this he profusely slobbered two of his fingers and reached to Dave’s ass to start exciting him sensually. He could wait only for a few seconds before penetrating him with his middle finger and his other one followed it soon. He found Dave’s love button quickly, who felt that he won’t be able to hold himself back for long, cuz his throbbing cock was already at the brink of exploding. He was moaning – nearly shouting – out of his head, calling out Martin’s name as the sign of his pleasure.  
  
Martin was watching the face in sweet agony while he was moving his fingers deep inside of him then he quickly pushed away Dave’s hand from their cocks and grabbed his lover’s to start pumping it fast and hard.  
  
“Come on… that’s it… cum for me, sweetie!” he moaned onto Dave’s chin and quickly licked along his throat just to focus on his face again.  
  
Dave panted a bit more then a shiver ran down his spine as his orgasm hit him and he had to gasp for air, giving himself to the pleasures completely, marking Martin, who growled contentedly as he felt Dave’s sperm run down on his tummy and groin. He loved this dirty and exciting feeling! He pumped his lover a few more times, looking at him with his cloudy eyes. He wanted his last drop too which ran down onto his slippery hand. He let go of his relieved cock listening to Dave’s hasty breaths and his last few moans. He touched his own tummy and groaned quietly as he smeared the thick liquid first there then on his own cock.  
  
Dave watched Mart’s moves with his dilated pupils and nearly black irises. He had to swallow from the heat he felt and he couldn’t stop his long fingers, which slid onto the rock-hard member, gently caressing it then they danced onto Martin’s hand to grab it and put it around himself. He was still holding his hand when Mart started to pump his cock. Curly had to moan on a low tone. His eyes grew dark quickly as he propped himself on his free hand so he could move his hips upwards easier, still sitting on Dave’s lap. Dave smiled contentedly then he gripped Mart’s hand harder so Curly had to squeeze himself firmer as well. This way they were able to pump him more powerful.   
  
“Oh fuck! Dave!” he moaned hoarsely, he wasn’t able to keep the sounds of pleasure inside anymore.  
  
“That’s it… give yourself to me… I want your soul…” he growled on a low tone, drinking in Martin’s sight. He loved watching the blonde man enjoying his pampering. He didn’t let Mart’s hand go, he gave him no mercy: the intense, hard pumps were replaced with a quick rhythm.  
  
His whole body was shaking and he was constantly moaning out loud, head bent back, feeling that he was quickly rushing towards the edge of the cliff. He looked at their hands with dark and cloudy eyes, blushed face and slightly opened mouth and the sight hit him as another visual stimulus first in his brain then in his groin, making him harder even more. He thought he’d die from this sensual pain, but he didn’t mind it. He wanted it! He wanted Dave to kill him! He wanted to finally scream Dave’s name into the silence of the room. His lover could read all this from his lust-filled, dim eyes when he looked up.  
  
Dave slid closer a bit and licked along two of his fingers, looking into the green eyes with a smile. He moved them to the right spot and pushed them into Mart, pressing his love button right away. Dave knew he didn’t make a mistake, he knew where to reach to drive the blonde man crazy with pleasure.  
  
If he was shouting until now, now he was howling! His hips found the perfect rhythm skillfully and from the double stimulation he thought he’d go crazy! He squeezed his cock even harder to pump it harder a few times before his body tensed from his first climax – caused by the fingers playing inside of him. And within a minute his hot fluids nearly exploded from his aching member. For a few moments he really thought he’d faint from pleasure, yelling “DAVID!” out loud.  
  
Dave laughed and watched as joy pierced through Mart’s body, eating itself into his bones, straining his body then letting it relax painfully. He pulled his fingers out and let Mart’s hand go. The blonde man just simply collapsed onto his back between Dave’s legs, still sitting on the singer’s thighs. He wasn’t able to say anything or to react. He was just gasping for air, still on cloud nine, his muscles flinching time after time. But Dave bent down to the previously pampered area and gently licked along the semi-hard cock. He moaned from their taste and couldn’t bear it: he had to take him into his mouth. An unarticulated moan escaped Martin’s throat and he squeezed his eyes shut. His overloaded senses could barely take Dave’s delicate torture, but he wasn’t able to move or do anything – he just let the singer lick and suck on him. He went nuts for him! He loved him!  
  
Dave made a profound job: he licked Martin clean then slowly slid him out of his mouth and rested his head on Mart’s tummy, his fingers caressing his sides. Curly’s skin broke out in goose bumps from the soft caresses of the long fingers. After his breathing calmed down a bit he ran his fingers in Dave’s slightly wet hair. His lover gave a kiss onto his skin then freed his thighs to crawl next to Martin and bury his face into his neck, inhaling the beloved scent deeply.  
  
After a few moments he caressed Dave’s face to turn it towards him. He found a better position so now he was able to look him in the eye comfortably. These wonderful irises could always mesmerize him as they changed colours like the weather does. Now they were shining darkly and contentedly, full of love. He loved it when his mate was easy on hand like this. He reminded him on a big satisfied, purring cat as he nuzzled close to him, putting his leg across Mart’s thigh, embracing him with one hand. He caressed the tattooed arm smiling and sinking into the depths of the open eyes.  
  
Dave was lying there in silence for long minutes then gave a kiss onto Mart’s forehead and asked “Do you fancy a shower?” he whispered and his hot breath puffed against Mart’s skin.  
  
His lover shivered with pleasure and another contented smile crawled onto his face.  
  
“Sure… Let’s go” he said on a low tone, a bit hoarsely.  
  
Hearing this Dave nodded and sat up. He was about to stand up, but before he could do it, Mart grabbed his forearm and pulled him back a bit.  
  
“Wait a minute!” and he sat up too and kissed his love tenderly and deeply.  
  
Dave smiled into the kiss then let himself completely lost in it as he closed his eyes and let Martin deepen it. He felt already dizzy from this, but the rest of his body wasn’t ready to follow his desires yet. Martin gently slowed down their kiss until he closed it with a few playful pecks. He was happy and loose as he pulled away a bit and smiled, stroking the slightly flushed face.  
  
“Thank you, sweetie.”  
  
“What?” he asked with a smile.  
  
“That you are here for me…” he whispered quietly and honestly.  
  
Dave felt the warmth spreading in his heart hearing this. He smiled softly and caressed Mart’s face tenderly “I’ll be always here for you.”  
  
This time the blonde man was the one who was nuzzling to him like a cat – he closed his eyes and bent his face into Dave’s caressing hand then he kissed into his palm.  
  
“Come… it’s time for me to wash your back, you little beast…” he smiled again and took his hand to pull him up.  
  
Dave followed Martin obediently. He’d follow him anywhere, because his love bound him to Curly… and something else too. They were inseparable. They had a bond, which won’t let them go… maybe ever.   
  
\---  
  
They were washing each other under the shower without a word, just exchanging gentle kisses. Martin ran his lathery fingers with pleasure on the wet and glistening soft skin. He loved touching Dave – if he was able to do so, he would never take off his hand of him.  
  
Dave couldn’t break away from him – not even for a moment – he was just kissing and kissing him. He felt as if that bond came straight from his heart, throbbing delicately. It was a long time ago since he felt something like this. And he thought that he won’t feel it anymore – that this feeling had disappeared with his youth. Back then he fell in love easily, he was always hot-headed and could get anyone he wanted. But those years have passed by quickly and he would have never thought that one day he’d have someone who would be able to call forth this feeling again. Now he felt like someone in his twenties – nearly like a schoolboy – as his blood was fizzing, his stomach fluttering and inexplicable warmth spread in his whole body.  
  
Martin let Dave nearly dump all over him. He loved it when he was lost this much in his own little world and emotions. Although he couldn’t know what thoughts he had, he accepted his kisses happily, while he enjoyed as their wet bodies touched. The water was running down on them unstoppably, washing their skins and soul clean, giving themselves completely to the love they felt for each other for so long.   
  
Dave’s hands came alive, sliding up and down on the slippery skin, caressing it. They discovered Mart’s body greedily as he pressed him gently against the tiles.  
  
His body shivered as the cold tiles made contact with his back, but he never broke the slow and sensual kiss. Just his hands squeezed Dave’s waist a bit, asking if he wanted him again. Dave pulled away from the red lips and went for his neck, kissing and biting it softly, pressing his body against his lover’s. His cock started to wake again – though it just got rid off the tension not so long ago – but Martin could always turn him on. Always.  
  
Curly gave out a long sigh and a small moan echoed in the bathroom too in the moment he felt Dave’s mouth on his neck and his rapidly hardening cock pressing against his lower tummy. He went nuts for this man! Dave broke away from his neck to whisper onto the swollen lips:  
  
“What do you do to me? I want you again!” he said and his deep voice was filled with lust and love and he pressed his hips against the soft body even more.  
  
“Just the same you do to me…” he moaned hoarsely onto the singer’s lips, which nearly touched his. Mart even rubbed himself to the slim body in front of him.  
  
“What do I do to you?” he asked while he gave delicate kisses onto the line of his jaw.  
  
“You turn me on…” Mart whispered “I adore you… I want you! In every minute of the day…” he slid his hands onto the fine butt and scratched it gently “I want to touch you… I want to love you… kiss you… make love to you…” he grabbed his ass.  
  
Dave leant to Mart’s ear and whispered dirtily into it: “What are you waiting for?”  
  
Martin couldn’t take it anymore: he pressed Dave’s body against his as he put his arms around him and eagerly snapped at his mouth. He took Dave’s lower lip gently between his teeth, sucking on it then his tongue penetrated Dave’s mouth greedily, not caring about the water flowing into his eyes. He was attacking him until he turned with him over. Now Dave was the one who was pinned to the wall. He slowed down his kisses bit by bit and whispered his question hoarsely onto his mouth: “How badly do you want me, Dave?”  
  
The wild, black eyes met the green ones “Are you serious? Terribly! I go crazy if I can’t feel you!” he panted, his whole body shaking.  
  
His mate smiled contentedly then pressed a small peck onto his lips before going for his soft neck, licking along a wet and throbbing vein. He inhaled sharply and grabbed the already semi-hard cock, starting to move his hand on it slowly.  
  
“You’ll have me… I promise…” he breathed into Dave’s ear.

 

Dave answered just with a deep groan and bent his head back to the tiles so he couldn’t see as Mart propped himself with one hand on the wall and knelt down in front of him. In the next moment he already ran his tongue around Dave’s tip, who pressed himself more against the tiles and his hands slid on the wet surface time after time. He opened his eyes and looked down at the blonde man with a wild gaze. Martin was watching him while one of his hands and his lips were moving on the rock-hard cock. His other hand reached under Dave and started playing with his balls. The singer had to swallow from the sight then he panted loudly. His fingers got into a muddle with the wet curls as he tried to force Mart taking his whole length into his mouth. But the kneeling man in front of him showed his displeasure with sticking his finger into Dave’s ring and pulling it a bit harder.  
  
Dave growled but didn’t give up – not yet. As an answer another stronger pull came by the sensitive area. Another wave of pleasure and pain shot through Dave’s body. His hand fell down from Martin’s nape and returned to the tiles.  
  
Martin grinned up at him darkly and contentedly then he focused on the throbbing, venous cock again. This time he started playing more gently with Dave’s platinum ring. Of course he wanted to please his lover as well so he took more of him into his mouth. Dave’s body was shaking from desire and the tiled walls echoed his voice. He couldn’t get enough from the sight of the wet and kneeling Martin.  
  
Martin licked along Dave’s whole length in a slow and sensual way, looking into the dark eyes. When he reached his tip, he said on a hoarse tone: “I love your taste…”  
  
Dave bent forward, grabbed Curly’s arms and pulled him up to give him another deep kiss. Martin couldn’t control his hands: they were scratching Dave’s side, abs, back and thighs or just caressing them during their long kiss. He pulled away from his lips and kissed along his jaw until he reached his ear, whispering into it on a low and pressing tone: “Let’s go back to the room!”  
  
Dave just smiled, closed the tap and already dragged Curly out of the bathroom just to push him onto the mattress and crawl over him. They’ve left wet spots on the sheets, but they didn’t care. Just one thing was on Dave’s mind: he wanted to be one with his love as soon as possible.  
  
Martin didn’t protest, he let Dave rule over him and pin his wrists onto the sheet over his head. Mart tried to stretch his neck and get a kiss from him, but he couldn’t reach his mouth. Dave just watched his tries with a smile then leant closer, but just until Mart could barely reach his lips – still not able to kiss him properly. The man under him struggled against the firm hold, trying to press his lips more to Dave’s and had to moan plaintively when he didn’t succeed.  
  
Finally Dave took mercy on him and bent down to meet his lips. One of his hands let Mart go and slid down on Curly’s wet side. He broke away from Martin and slid lower until his face was in the line of his groin. The divine, hard cock came into his view. He couldn’t get bored from its sight, scent and taste. He bent down and swallowed him in deeply.  
  
He grabbed the sheet over his head and bucked his hips. After a few moments’ delay a deep, throaty groan left his lips. Dave would have smiled, but because his mouth was full, he couldn’t. He just looked up with a stifling gaze and returned to his work to make his mate even harder.   
  
After a long glimpse this time Mart closed his eyes and let his head fall back onto the pillow, closing out every visual stimulus and concentrated just on the ones which hit his body, panting quietly. He watched as his pulse jumped and felt himself flushing, felt the growing heat and energy, which radiated out of him, embracing both of them. As he was lying there in the waves of desire washing his body with Dave’s touches, he asked himself again how it was possible that this man – his friend, his mate and his love – was able to shake his world this much… that he was able to drive him crazy and make him want him maddeningly…  
  
“Let… let me down to your throat!” he uttered out with difficulties, trying to swallow, but his mouth was too dry for that. Dave obeyed again – just like he did several times in their common past.  
  
\---  
  
She was standing there eyes popped out, frozen to the spot. Her hand was still resting on the door handle as she pulled back the half-opened door until she was able to look into the room just through a thin line. She never expected to see something like this. She wanted to surprise her husband, because it was a long while ago since they’ve seen each other. She wanted to run away, she wanted to break away from the sight, but she couldn’t move. It didn’t matter that every cell of her body was protesting against the happenings – she couldn’t intervene or go away… It didn’t matter how much the scene made her shudder, it captivated her. Dave…! He can’t be her husband! And still!  
  
She had no doubts that it was him pampering another man – his friend – with such devotion she experienced in the early years of their marriage. Well, he had pleased her like this since then, but lately she felt during their lovemakings as if sometimes Dave was far away… Maybe here? With Martin?  
  
Her thoughts made her stay there and watch. It wasn’t a competition to compare herself to this absurd situation, it was about… curiosity. She wanted to see Dave like this. And knew that if she ran away now, maybe there’d be no other chance to watch it – or she won’t have the courage for it.  
  
\---  
  
The two men didn’t suspect a thing, they just gave themselves to the pleasures. Martin had to moan again and let the sheet go with one hand to run his fingers through the dark hair, slightly pulling on it. From this Dave attacked him with his teeth too. Now he didn’t want Martin to mess with his little game. He grabbed his wrist, indicating to let him go right away or it will hurt. Badly. The blonde man took a wobbly breath – considering his options and how he wanted to turn out this act. Then he decided it… His fingers pulled the wet and messy hair even more, showing Dave that he disobeys and waited for his reaction, holding his breath. His lover fulfilled his threat: he let his sharp teeth sink into the sensitive skin. He didn’t cause permanent injury, just momentary pain.  
  
Martin cried out in pleasure and pain. His whole body strained hard, he squeezed his eyes shut and dug his head back into the pillow. Dave intensified the pressure of his teeth. He wanted to have his will, he wanted Martin to obey to him when he doesn’t want it but has to. In his torment his hand squirmed and let it slide down from Dave’s hair onto his shoulder to scratch it half-unconscious. Dave pulled away from the tortured member, which’s skin was harsh red after he marked him – but he didn’t care. He was quickly over Martin again and his black, evil eyes found the green ones.  
  
“You are killing me…” Martin faltered out hoarsely, looking up at his torturer half-blind from desire – but he couldn’t control his hands: they grabbed and scratched Dave’s hot skin. He wanted to feel its softness, he wanted to feel that he was here with him…  
  
This time his lover let him do this. His dominant self didn’t come out fully – just a part of it was visible darkly in the green eyes. He slowly lowered himself onto his forearms. This way his supple body touched Martin all along. He bent to his lips and whispered: “What do you want me to do now?” he asked.  
  
“Take me… take me rough…” he breathed and slid one hand onto his lover’s face to caress it “… in a way it suits you, sweetie…”  
  
\---  
  
Jen held his breath, listening to the short conversation and started to grab the door handle harder. She hardly dared to blink.  
  
\---  
  
Meanwhile the blonde musician tried to pull the beast over him closer to ease the burning hunger of his lips with a kiss… but Dave tensed his muscles and straightened out his arms, tearing out himself from Mart’s grip. The deep-green eyes flashed evilly, reflecting feral hunger. With his next move he turned Curly’s body around and placed one of his hands between his shoulder-blades to push him into the mattress. Next to his straight arm he bent down to his ear as much as he was able to.  
  
“You wanted me to take you rough?”  
  
For a moment Mart just panted from another wave of excitement he felt “Oh yes…!” he moaned nearly into the pillow.  
  
\---  
  
Jen seemed to forget how to breathe. She was still grabbing the handle without noticing that her fingers turned white from it. A completely strange Dave Gahan started to form in front of her eyes – it was a shape of a wild animal. It was a rigorous, lawless and an always hungry beast with glowing green eyes, constant growling and sharp fangs. This couldn’t be the same man she knew and lives with! She had met his dominant self several times, but not in this form… This strange metamorphosis stunned her. Now she started to understand what Dave could have meant earlier when he said that having sex with Martin was something completely different…  
  
\---  
  
He was waiting for Dave’s next step with shaking body. He tried to lift his back a bit just to try whether Dave still wanted to push his head into the pillow or not. He felt himself like a dirty slut – straddling and waiting for a hard fuck. He felt his rock-hard cock throbbing painfully again from this thought. The place where Dave bit him was still burning.  
  
The singer didn’t hesitate for too long – he had an awfully painful hard-on. His cock was nearly begging for his mercy. He nuzzled to Mart’s body again to grab his own cock and slide it into the blonde man. Martin nearly screamed from the slightly burning pain as Dave forced his way free through his sphincter, penetrating him without mercy.  
  
\---  
  
Jen was watching her cruel man and Martin’s painful reactions. She couldn’t imagine why the blonde man let Dave subordinate… humiliate him this much… And it was even more shocking to look at Dave’s face, which reflected pure pleasure as his muscles shook, strained and let out a loud groan. The sight was frightening to her, but in the same time it gripped her too. She didn’t know why and how, but somewhere the intimate relationship of these two men affected her – though she couldn’t decide how. There were so many emotions swirling in her!  
  
\---  
  
The subdued man screamed into the pillow with all his might and tried to intensify his painful pleasure with moving his butt backwards, “sliding” onto the torturing member. A loud smacking sound was heard and Martin’s skin turned red where Dave spanked his ass.  
  
“Easy, tiger!” he barked and grabbed his waist to pull Mart’s body on him.  
  
Curly thought that he’d go nuts from the smack and the order! He moaned lustfully and after a few hard pushes he couldn’t stop himself: he wanted more! He propped himself on his left forearm and with his right he reached between his legs, grabbing himself and hoping that Dave’ll be gracious to him…  
  
But Dave just laughed at him when he noticed Mart’s move, while he grabbed his shoulders and was about to start the ruthless chase. The man in front of him had totally lost every connection with the outside world – he panted or rattled by turns while his hand was moving on himself quickly. But of course he would have liked the best if Dave’s long fingers would have done it, but he couldn’t complain. The hard and throbbing cock was moving in him harshly, filling him out completely and he wouldn’t have been able to name a more heavenly feeling.  
  
“Please… Dave…” he whimpered into the pillow.  
  
Hearing the begging Dave slid out of Martin and turned him around forcefully again. Maybe his fingers’ grip will leave purple bruises as they dug into the skin harshly, but he didn’t care. The mattress moved as he pushed Mart’s body on it, who was lying on his back now. He saw the begging, desperate green eyes, but there was no sorry or mercy in his eyes.  
  
“I want you to rub off your cock in front of me and enjoy it more than anything!” the new order came.  
  
Martin lost his mind from this and another wave of blood rushed down into his groin and he had to pant through his half-opened mouth.  
  
“As you wish…!” and he squeezed himself again, doing what he was told. From the urging lust he started pumping himself firmly, never leaving Dave’s cool eyes with his. He wanted to please his ruler, he wanted to see satisfaction in Dave’s pitch black eyes desperately.  
  
\---  
  
The woman watching them secretly had to grab the doorframe with her free hand from this turn of events. The sight was terrifying and exciting at the same time for her. But she barely dared to admit it to herself.  
  
\---  
  
Dave watched Martin obeying him with a satisfied smile and this evil, cold smile just got even wider when he heard the first louder groans. From the pleasure he felt Martin could hardly keep his eyes open. Watching this beautiful naked man over him and masturbate by his command… He thought he’s in Heaven… Dave’s face was expressionless while he slid back into the tight hotness and started moving again. Martin felt that it was almost too much for him to bear – he groaned nearly desperately and a bit warningly to tell Dave that he was very close… He let his lover reach under his knee and lift one of his legs to get even better access and go on with his cruel thrusting. He wanted to shag Martin until he reaches his climax. His hips moved passionately as he gave him his hard thrusts. Suddenly the sweaty man’s body under him jerked and arched his back, screaming towards the ceiling and giving himself completely to the double pleasures…  
  
The dark-haired man felt the hotness of the juices which hit his tummy and he had to moan from this. He slid out of Martin and grabbed his own cock, pumping it fast, rushing towards his own joy. He surrendered and marked his blonde mate as well. Mart slowly realized through his tingling senses that with a loud yell Dave came onto his own relieved cock, which he was still gently pumping. He looked up at the sweaty, flushed and panting singer. He always found him mesmerizing in these moments of pleasure.  
  
\---  
  
Meanwhile Jen put her hand over her mouth and watched the scene, shaking and clinging to the doorframe. It was nearly scary to see Dave… as he was one with another man, and the way he enjoyed it that he could be himself this much. He was never like this with her! Not this much! Since he knew about them, a few times she tried to imagine how it can be seeing her husband in such a situation, but reality was much crueler to her as she would have thought.  
  
Watching her husband in such a situation… she just couldn’t find the words. And these sudden changes! She knew him quite well, she knew that he can be immensely happy in one moment just to fall into deep lethargy in the next one. But she’d never seen this much passion and desire in him… and he gave it to Martin!  
  
She wanted to close the door and flee, but she wasn’t able to take off her eyes of Martin, who looked at Dave with love, although he just tortured him! How was this possible?!   
  
\---  
  
The man lying on the bed reached up feebly with his left hand to caress Dave’s sweaty face then with his digits he clung on the throbbing neck just to feel the running pulse under his fingers. With his right hand he lazily smeared their mixed juices then he reached up with his wet fingers to carefully stroke along Dave’s testicles and member.  
  
Dave leant down to Mart’s lips and moaned onto them from the feeling before kissing him.  
  
“I love you, you beast…” Mart panted after the kiss, letting his head fall back onto the pillow.  
  
“I love you too” Dave whispered. He was moved by his emotions as he gently caressed his face and got lost in the green eyes.  
  
\---  
  
Jen nearly screamed from her husband’s sentence, but she was able to suppress it just in time. The feelings on Dave’s expression were clear… pure love, tranquility and peace… and she wasn’t the one who got all these, but a man.  
  
\---  
  
“I think you’ve finished me off for a while” he said quietly and a little grimace ran through his face when he moved sideways a bit to pull his love next to him.  
  
“Oh yeah, resisted hard” he rolled his eyes and found his place nuzzling close to Martin, putting his arm around him. He breathed in the scent of his body and gave a peck onto the soft skin of his shoulder.  
  
“I should have put up more fight?” he sent him a dirty and happy smile, caressing the hand around him.  
  
Dave didn’t answer just stroked Mart’s chest lazily and listened to his slowing heartbeat.  
  
“I feel uneasy because of Jen” he said suddenly breaking the peaceful, calm silence.  
  
Mart sighed while the woman standing at the door stiffened hearing her name. Curly’s body tensed a bit. His happy bubble was busted by Dave’s one sentence.  
  
“Don’t think about this now, luv…” he asked looking at the ceiling “You’re just torturing yourself.”  
  
“I wouldn’t last for long without you” he confessed.  
  
\---  
  
His wife – who was still watching them – was shocked, but this time not because she was taken aback or was grossed out. She saw how vulnerable Dave was now. How scared he was. How much he needed Martin. And that she had the power to kill a part of her husband. She felt sorry for him.  
  
\---  
  
“Neither would I… especially now that I dare to love you open again…” he swallowed then carefully – like someone who’s afraid of an unexpected kick – turned his face towards Dave.  
  
“How open?” came the next quiet question while his long fingers touched the skin of Mart’s face softly.  
  
“If we look at our relationship then I’ve opened myself up for you completely. Like back then when… when you weren’t ready to accept this” he quietly hinted onto those times when Dave pushed him away and ‘laughed’ on his deep feelings… when he closed up towards him and he dared to really trust him since Touring the Angel again.  
  
“I wish we could…” Dave began, but went silent. His sentence was too serious to say it out loud.  
  
“Yes… I know…” he sighed bitterly “But you know that we can’t…”  
  
\---  
  
Shock, anger and amazement were swirling in Jen hearing this. Would her husband be able to leave everything behind for Martin and their love?  
  
\---  
  
“How would it be?” Dave mused. Would he have a better, happier life, if he could love Martin freely? How far would they get? Would he leave his family for him? Would they move in? He had to smile from the thought: living together with Martin under the same roof…  
  
“Tell me you don’t want to go into this topic now…” the blonde man said and felt a lump in his throat. He has imagined this so many times already… how perfect their common life could have been in a parallel universe, but the cruel reality always dragged him back to the ground.  
  
“Would it make any sense?” he looked at him with his sad green eyes.  
  
Martin just shook his head and pulled up Dave’s hand – wherewith he was playing for a while now - to his lips to kiss it. His mate smiled faintly, but the sadness didn’t disappear from his eyes completely. Martin decided that he won’t leave it that way. He’ll try to cheer him up or at least distract his thoughts. He turned to his side and bent over Dave to kiss him on his mouth this time.  
  
\---  
  
The woman was about to leave the scene after hearing this conversation. Something was terribly aching inside of her. She wouldn’t have been able to bear another of these conversations or lovemakings… Or was she wrong? Seeing the tenderness as Mart kissed Dave made her stay. She wanted to see the true essence of their relationship, because by now she knew that it wasn’t about just sheer lust.  
  
\---  
  
Dave’s arms were already around Martin as he returned his kisses with soft passion.  
  
“Can I love you?” Curly asked the ambiguous question, looking into Dave’s eyes for a moment.  
  
“Love me!” Dave moaned desperately “Please!”  
  
Martin suppressed a bitter smile and lay on top of Dave with his naked body then kissed into his neck and began gently caressing his side. Dave shivered from the delicate touches and moaned into the kiss again as a wave of lust and love filled his body. The blonde man started kissing Dave’s body slowly and tenderly, tasting the salty and warm skin. After a few minutes he slid his tongue onto one of the small nipples and started licking around it, getting closer and closer with every lick. Dave’s another rich moan filled the silent room.  
  
\---  
  
Jen’s never heard her husband moaning this way. She just wouldn’t have been able to touch him the way Martin did. She couldn’t call forth this kind of desire from him. No matter how frightening the sight was for her, she still found discovering this side of Dave fascinating. She could sense that nearly palpable tenderness in the air as these two men loved each other, as their tongues slid on the other’s skin – licking off the wetness – and as their fingertips touched the delicate surfaces… She held her breath as she watched Martin finally sucking the nipple between his soft lips then biting gently on it. His hand stroked along Dave’s naked thigh and his fingers found the sensitive skin of its inner side.  
  
\---  
  
Dave moaned nearly painfully and reached for Mart’s wrist forcefully to pull it upwards. His love let his fingers touch Dave’s ring then stroking along his balls they finally found the semi-hard cock. He took him into his hand very gently and started pumping him with soft moves. Dave grabbed into the blond curls then his hands slid onto Mart’s face to pull him up and share a deep kiss, full of emotions. His mate let him do this. He kissed back slowly, savoring his taste. His hand stopped while they were kissing so he could pay all his attention on Dave’s lips. He thought that the swirling emotions he felt for him and had to suppress until now, will burst his chest. He looked down at him with a cloudy gaze after pulling away a bit.  
  
“Let me go, please… I want to…” he had to swallow from anticipation “… taste you down there too… Do you want it?” he looked deep into the shining eyes, caressing the swollen lower lip with his thumb. He could never get enough of this sight.  
  
For a few moments Dave just watched the beautiful deep-green and open eyes then he pulled him closer for a last kiss and after it he whispered onto his mouth: “Badly…”  
  
A small smile appeared on Mart’s face and he had to steal one more quick kiss.  
  
“Anything for you, luv…” and he left a wet trail with his tongue on the hot skin, going lower and lower on the body, which was shaking only for him. After a few moments he was already kissing and licking Dave’s V-line, puffing his hot breath onto it while his hand found the waiting member again.  
  
Dave was shaking and moaning from the desire he felt. He pressed his head into the mattress and scratched Mart’s shoulders. He wanted to feel the maddeningly hot wetness around his cock badly!  
  
Martin’s painfully pounding heart was filled with another wave of love – he wanted to give everything he could to Dave. He had to pant from this intense feeling and press his face to Dave’s hip. With his cloudy eyes he focused onto the delightful hardness in front of him. He leant it against his fingers and pulled himself together to run his hungry tongue on it. Dave looked down at the man tasting him and he had to caress his face full with love before he’d go out of his mind from his pampering.  
  
\---  
  
Jen was biting her own lip painfully to prevent any sound escaping her. She knew that this was the last tender moment for a while before the upcoming hot minutes. She didn’t want to think. She tried to calm down her swirling emotions a bit to watch the scene ‘detachedly’, to ‘size up’ the whats and the whys. But she couldn’t calm her fast heartbeat as she followed Martin sliding his wet mouth on her husband’s rock-hard cock. She couldn’t imagine how two men could be this fond to each other. When Dave told about their relationship, she couldn’t understand - and to be honest she didn’t really wanted to see it. The news shocked her. But now she saw it. She saw as the emotions evolved and consumed each other – the air was heavy from them. She saw the love in the green eyes. The bounding, the need, the acceptance… She’d met such pure emotions very long ago – if she had at all. They loved each other for their true selves. Even though seeing this and knowing the possible consequences scared her, she admired it. It shocked her, stamped her and swept her away… She realized that she wanted to have someone who loves her this much.  
  
\---

He pampered the rock-hard cock’s bottom with his tongue with sheer pleasure. He moved his mouth up and down his whole length while he gave a nice massage to Dave’s balls. He wanted to give him the biggest pleasure possible. He shot a hot glance up at him and saw that Dave’s dark thoughts were swept away completely by the longing. He found him beautiful as he pressed his head into the pillow and moaned out of his mind, scratching his shoulder with one hand and grabbing the sheet with the other. Dave completely surrendered to his emotions and wanted more and more, which he signaled too. He groaned his begging in a staccato voice.  
  
For a moment Mart slid off of the cock, which was glistening from his saliva and the pre-cum “What’s it, sweetie? What do you need?”  
  
“You!” he looked at the man between his legs with pitch black eyes.  
  
Martin smiled a sweet smile then crawled over him again for a luscious and long kiss. After finishing it he disappeared from above him and crawled next to Dave, propping his back to the headboard and pillows.  
  
“Come, my little beast… climb onto my lap” he asked tenderly. He knew that from this Dave could guess what was awaiting him.  
  
Dave sat up in silence and moved closer to Martin. First he nuzzled to him like a cat and took him into his arms, caressed his skin while he nearly unnoticeably moved into the position he was asked for. He kindly squeezed Dave’s left hand, smiling, and lifted it to his mouth to kiss every single fingertip, looking into the singer’s eyes. After this he randomly chose one finger and licked along it just to take it into his mouth and start sucking on it sensually. He placed Dave’s other hand onto his painfully throbbing and neglected hardness. The dark-haired man understood the hint: his long fingers started to work while he was watching the beautiful man sucking on his finger. He had to sigh lustfully. His mate had to close his eyes for a moment and let Dave’s finger go to moan on a low tone. He wanted Dave to touch him so very badly! He didn’t pay too much attention just slid two fingers back into his mouth – and enjoying the wonderful hand’s gifts on his groin. He knew that he won’t be able to last for too long. Every single cell in his body was whining for Dave. He wanted to bury himself into the tight hotness of his body.  
  
Dave let Mart’s member go and put his hand on his lover’s hip, forcing him closer to him. “I want to feel you!” he moaned, offering himself to him.  
  
He had to inhale sharply from this single, nearly begging sentence. He had no intentions to deny his request. He moved into a better position and spit into his palm to wet himself. A dirty thought crossed his mind for a moment as he remembered how flexible Dave is.  
  
“Would you do something for me?” he whispered hoarsely, his heart jumping up to his throat.  
  
“Anything” came the answer.  
  
“Get ready… Stretch yourself for me, please…” he let out a longing sigh as he glimpsed at that finger which he had been sucking on so eagerly a few minutes ago.  
  
Dave seemed a bit unsure. And this feeling appeared in his eyes too.  
  
“What’s it, sweetie?” Mart’s eyes turned more serious and maybe he even worried “You’ve already done it for me before…” he thought back at a few of their lovemakings when his dominant self controlled Dave’s every move.  
  
“I know, but… I’m still not used to it that much” he confessed nearly shyly “But… if you help me…” he glimpsed up into the green eyes.  
  
“Oh come on, baby… you don’t have to feel ashamed… Not in front of me. Ever!” he bent forward a bit to caress him with his left hand. Now his love looked like a lost little boy to him “Of course I help you, if you want…” he whispered and kissed him reassuringly. After it he pulled away just to wet his fingers with his saliva, but before he did anything with them, he took Dave’s member into his hand and snapped at his lips – this time he was a bit more passionate to distract Dave’s thoughts.  
  
Dave welcomed the kiss and the very exciting touch gratefully. After this Martin – not breaking their kiss – embraced Dave so that his wet fingers could reach his butt. First he just played there a bit. He wanted the singer to take the next step, if he was ready for it. Suddenly he felt as if they were doing this the first time. From the memory he had to smile into Dave’s mouth. He didn’t have to wait for too long – the burning desire clouded Dave’s mind soon and he wanted more.  
  
He gently slid first one then two fingers into him, exciting him deeper and deeper. He found the right spot soon and he pressed his fingers against it – which had its effect soon. Dave started groaning out loud and his hips found the best rhythm. Mart took notice of it with a contented sigh and enjoyed the feeling of the tight warm body around his fingers. During their harmonious moves he grabbed Dave’s fingers again, but this time he took them into his mouth greedily. He was about to lose his mind completely, because as Dave was moving, he unwillingly rubbed against him. He pulled out the fingers from his mouth and led them to Dave’s own butt. He pulled his digits out and replaced them with Dave’s, biting down on the full lower lip reassuringly and excitingly.  
  
Dave let Martin slide his fingers deeper and deeper into his own body. He had to moan. He didn’t know what else he would do for Martin. Everything? He thought so. When his fingers disappeared completely, Mart pulled away his hand and let Dave do the hard job. But the dark-haired man was already over his shyness and enjoyed shamelessly the way he was playing with himself more and more passionately. Curly watched his ecstatic face contentedly as Dave was exciting himself with closed eyes, throwing his head backwards. Mart couldn’t stop himself – he had to grab and squeeze Dave’s cock too and suddenly he led his hand back to Dave’s butt. He gently pushed his middle finger into him as the third finger, his hand finding Dave’s rhythm immediately.  
  
“I want you!” Dave whined “Please!”  
  
After a few moves he pulled out his finger without a word and grabbed Dave’s hand too to do the same. Now he grabbed his ass more urgently, indicating to move a bit. When he did, Mart squeezed and pumped himself a few times, already panting then he positioned himself and moved his hips upwards. He penetrated his love nearly up to the hilt. Dave’s voice cut into the air in the form of another loud groan.

\---  
  
In her distraction Jen took a step away from the door. She had to look somewhere else, she shouldn’t have seen this… No… to see Dave let… let this happen… And the way he played with himself before that… There was a completely different person in there with Martin from the one she knew. Barely 20 minutes ago he was a beast and now he shifted his shape again! Which one is his real form? Maybe just Mart knows it? Which one is the real Dave Gahan? Or is he both? This duality can be the cause why he needed to have both women and men?  
  
\---  
  
Martin cried out really loud when with the next push his whole length slid into the tight hot body. He thought he’d go crazy. He couldn’t hear or see a thing, just panted and whined from his rapture. He wanted this so badly! He wanted Dave so badly! His fingers grabbed the squirming Dave’s butt painfully hard. For a few moments he stilled and moved the singer’s hips with his hands, forcing him to make circles on his lap – stretching him even more with this – and causing enormous pleasure for both of them. His mate’s fingers dug into Mart’s shoulders painfully as he grabbed them to hold onto something before going totally crazy with lust. He loved his torturer so much that he couldn’t find a suitable word for it. His swirling emotions filled him as he bent down to kiss and feel Mart’s lips.  
  
The blonde man welcomed the passionate lips’ attack thirstily while he started to move his hips again, tightly embracing Dave, digging his nails into his back. His whole lower body strained urgently for satisfaction and he had to groan into the singer’s mouth again and again, completely losing the connection with reality. In those moments he wouldn’t have been able to notice if the world was shattering around them. Just this beautiful, passionate, adorable man existed for him, whom he loved deeply and completely, despite everything… and whose happiness was more important for him than his own life.  
  
Finally the singer broke the kiss and threw his head back to groan his beloved one’s name towards the ceiling – and he asked for even more.  
  
\---  
  
She had to look back at them. He couldn’t stop watching the two passionately moving sweaty bodies! This way she could see as the blonde man – straining with his last strength – gave her husband what he wanted the most and accelerated his pace. He even slid one hand between them to pump the still rock-hard cock to their rhythm. She had to swallow from the sight and she didn’t know why her throat was so tight. Was it because of lust or she just wanted to cry? She clung to the doorframe so hard that her fingers turned white again.  
  
\---  
  
“Look at me, sweetie!” he panted, sweat drops running down his forehead. His eyes had such depths that it was rare even for Dave to see such a sight.  
  
He obeyed and the endless ocean of emotions he saw in the green eyes mesmerized him He could understand Mart, because he felt the same. His own emotions nearly ate him up alive – that burning fire Mart was feeding and which has been burning for 21 years now. It never died out, its light never faded away. He loved him beyond words; he adored him – every part of him. Everything about him – there was no exception, neither physically, nor spiritually. Dave Gahan was condemned just for this one and only man.  
  
\---  
  
And now Jen new this too. Because she saw it. She couldn’t blame her husband. Maybe deep inside she understood what Dave could feel: two souls met and it didn’t matter that they were from the same sex, neither did the conflicts or the world’s moral view, they couldn’t resist each other… and this became their fate. Nearly completely each other’s forever. Maybe this was the worst. The endless longing with those painfully sweet stolen hours spent together… Because they can never belong to each other completely. They have to hide their love, their true nature until the last day of their lives. And how ironical it is that they are the ones who can cause the deepest cuts for each other!   
  
The first teardrop ran silently down on her face. She couldn’t tell for whom she was crying – for herself or for her husband. But she felt sorry for the two men, she felt the understanding among them. She understood them despite she couldn’t take from their burden. But somehow she… understood them.  
  
\---  
  
“I love you so much!” the shaking Martin moaned suddenly and after a few moments the flickering flame of his love ran from his heart down into his groin – torturing, burning him – and with a deep push his body found relief, got rid off its burden so he could fly so free and easy as his soul did in that moment. He couldn’t take this much passion – he closed his eyes unwillingly, his face strained, and he threw his head back. His body stopped and he gave himself to the absolute joy.  
  
Dave felt his hot release shot into him and he had to hiss from this. Meanwhile the hand pampering him had never stopped on his painfully hard cock. The ecstasy he felt suddenly intensified as his own electric sparkle rushed down along his spine, reaching his groin then exploding out of him with his orgasm and he was lost in the fierce feeling.  
  
His heart was at the brink of exploding, a vein throbbed on his neck, the blood was pounding in his ear, but he could just bend his head onto Mart’s shoulder and he embraced him, inhaling his scent deeply and he said quietly:  
  
“I wish I could be free with you…” He didn’t say more just listened to Martin’s breathing, which slowly calmed down.  
  
“I… I wish the same from the bottom of my heart…” he whispered hoarsely and leant his face against his love’s head, pulling him tightly to himself. He turned his pleading eyes upwards. In the corner of his eye the sweat mixed with a silvery drop.  
  
\---  
  
She closed the door quietly behind her, she didn’t want to disturb the two men in love. Because by now she knew that they were really in love, this wasn’t just about lust. She walked out of the room with shaking legs – still under the effect of the scene – and searched for a calm place where no one could disturb her and she could think this through. Finally she found a solitary corner. She fled there nearly gratefully.  
  
She saw them. She saw the emotions, the desire, the love… yes, this was love – she recognized it immediately. Pure, untainted, sweet. Dave was unbelievably lucky. She loved her husband, but knew that she’s not able to love him in the way Martin does. No one else can love him that way, just the blond man – and no one will ever. Without him Dave… he would not just crash, but stop existing. And how could she live without her husband? No, never. She loved him, even if Dave didn’t set a high value on this, even if he thought that her love was less important than Martin’s. She would never be able to tear this precious and fond part out of him. She wouldn’t bear to see him suffer, or feel his pain.  
  
She started to sob. She loved him so much! And he can’t even see it… he sees just Martin now… But she can’t separate them. She can’t push them into the dark depths of Hell; because of jealousy she can’t tread on this love, which is fragile and massive at the same time. She knew that she has to sacrifice herself on some degree, if she didn’t want to lose David. Martin wasn’t just his fixed lover – this has changed a long time ago. She saw on her husband what he wanted. He wanted Martin. She knew that he loves her too, but she wasn’t the love of his life. That was someone else. It was Martin. His mate, his support in the last 30 years. She can’t compete with that. This was so much bigger than her. Her always collected and strong-minded self was nowhere to be found now. She was just sitting there broken and sobbing. She didn’t even know where she was. Her chest ached and she felt herself like a lost little girl flooded with problems.   
  
A few minutes have passed like this then she looked up and exhaled slowly. Her rational side was already taking control next to her disappointment. She knew that her husband will never love her the way she wanted, but she’ll be satisfied with what he’ll give to her, because it was clear to her that he loves her on his own way. She filled the role of the thoughtful house-wife and mother, she was his safe family background. Everything works around her and she always has a good grip on the situations which may come up. She’s the one who comforts him, if he’s on the floor, the one who gives her love to him, if he needs it… and the one who supports him, no matter where… and into whose arms life will lead him.  
  


 

  
Capricornus and Useless-girl  
24-02-2010

 


End file.
